Fan vs Fan

Showing posts with label Bettman's an idiot. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bettman's an idiot. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

NHL Conference Names

With the NHL Realignment coming in, there are 4 conferences and 0 divisions. Now comes the hard part, naming them. Luckily we here at DGS have some ideas. Feel free to add in your own as well.




The Idea- Norris, Patrick, Campbell, Adams
Pros- These familiar names would show the NHL returning to tradition and these names would make sense to die hard fans.
Cons- This idea makes sense, therefore the NHL would never use it.




The Idea- Pacific, Central, Mid-Atlantic, East
Pros- These names would fit the geography of the league, making it easy for casual fans to know which conference their team plays in.
Cons- This also makes too much sense for Gary Bettman to consider it.




The Idea- Never on NBC (Coyotes), Rarely on NBC (Chicago), HNiC (Toronto), VERSUS NIGHTLY! (Flyers)
Pros- This would be perfectly accurate in describing how television deals would work.
Cons- Actually, Gary Bettman would use this, except that the names would be ruined by the impending relocation of Phoenix to the new Markham, Ontario arena.




The Idea- Orr (Toronto), Lemieux (New Jersey), Howe (Detroit), Gretzky (Coyotes)
Pros- There really aren't any...except if you look at Bobby Orr, Mario Lemieux, Gordie Howe and Wayne Gretzky of the Oilers instead of the following guys:
Cons- Naming a conference after a current hockey player goon (Colton Orr), a terrible coach (Gretzky), a Flyers Hall of Famer who played for the Red Wings (Mark Howe) and Claude Lemieux (Dirty NJ Devils forward) make no sense.



The Idea- Los Angeles Kings, Red Wings-Hawks, Colie Campbell's Kid, $$$$$
Pros- Accurately describes the most publicized parts of each conference
Cons- Do the $$$$$ refer to Ilya Kovalchuk, Ilya Bryzgalov, Glen Sather's contracts to Richards and Redden, Rick DiPietro or someone else?

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Real Reasons the NJ Devils Are Almost Bankrupt

So, according to the NY Post,  (http://www.nypost.com/p/news/business/devils_in_the_red_Mi3p63lfff0OCTWRIdroxH)

The NJ Devils are possibly bankrupt. As DGS always does, we sent the Super-Spies out to find out why. Needless to say, what they uncovered made us start to smirk.


Reasons the NJ Devils are bankrupt.

1. Not really sure if it's relevant, but Devils ownership is beginning to wonder if they could have saved $100M by leaving Ilya Kovalchuk in LA.

2. Noticed tons of money went missing after one night where John MacLean volunteered to coach the accountants.

3. Team meal expenses have tripled since 1991. Unrelated: Martin Brodeur became a Devil in 1991.

4. Cleaning bills for jelly and broken glass get expensive.

5. Something about "trap" based income where one doesn't market, doesn't invest and expects to turn profits.

6. Brian LOLston.

7. Gary Bettman rejected all income the Devils have made since becoming commissioner on account of "Phoenix Circumvention"

8. Driving the Devil's bankrupt to relocation, fits the NHL's idea of relocating 29 franchises before Phoenix.

9. The Devils are rethinking their idea of trying to beat the Islanders at everything.

10. On second thought, following the Mets business model probably wasn't the best of ideas.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Other Things NHL Players Have Forgotten

So, earlier this weekend Flyers Captain Michael Richards tweeted about forgetting to pay his cable bill

Oh Richie, were you also expecting a phone call
informing you that the 2nd round of the playoffs
had started as well?
Well, honestly Mr. Richards isn't the only person in the NHL to forget something, as a matter of fact, many NHL players and personalities have been known to forget things, and here at DGS, we have the list.



Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten how to do basic math and has given the Flyers cap problems for at least the next 5 years.

Dan Ellis: Has claimed that he "forgot" to pay his ESCROW.

Nick Lidstrom: Is so old that he has in fact, forgotten to retire.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten the rules of the CBA pertaining to 35+ contracts and gave Pronger 7 years and a cap hit of 4.921.

The Toronto Maple Leafs: Have forgotten what the playoffs are.

Joe Thornton: Has apparently forgotten that he is playing in the playoffs right now.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten, like his predecessor, what "goaltending" is.

Kyle Wellwood: Forgets to stick to his diet.

Evgeni Nabokov: Forgot that the Islanders do NOT yet have a new arena and ended up lost on Long Island because he absolutely thought that there was no way an NHL team would ever play in the Nassau Coliseum.

Michael Leighton: Has forgotten how to close his 5-hole.

Paul Holmgren: Forgot that Michael Leighton doesn't know how to close his 5 hole and therefore gave him a 1.55 cap hit.

Chris Pronger: Would like to forget this year from hell.

Scott Hartnell and Kris Versteeg: Have both forgotten how to skate which led to the fun of Hartnell Down and Versteeg Down counts.

Jonathan Toews: Has forgotten how to blink, show emotion, and display normal.

The Boston Bruins: Have forgotten that it's perfectly OK to score when you're up a man.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten what a draft pick is due to the fact that the Flyers haven't had one in forever.

Roberto Luongo, and many of the Vancouver Canucks: Have forgotten the difference between a diving pool and an ice rink.

Matt Cooke: Will most likely soon forget the lesson he learned from his 17 game suspension for a headshot and will end up elbowing Gregory Campbell in the head early next season.

Gary Bettman: Has obviously forgotten that he doesn't work for the NBA anymore.

Patrick Kane: Has forgotten what it's like to be sober

The Flyers Entire Defensive Corps: Randomly forgets how to play defense leaving Brian Boucher alone against Zdeno Chara slap shots.

Daniel Carcillo: Forgot that some things, like questions involving sexual turn ons, are probably better left to realm of a "DM" on Twitter.

Ilya Bryzgalov: Forgot that the playoffs actually count.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Hartnell Down and Versteeg Down: Round 1 Update

To end Round 1, Hartnell Down had a count of 48 and Versteeg Down had a count of 26.

Hartnell Down 48 by the numbers


  • Shares a jersey number with linemate Danny Briere
  • Height, in inches, of Nathan Gerbe
  • Waist measurement of Kyle Wellwood
  • Amount of years the NHL would have to control the Phoenix Coyotes before Bettman would ever consider moving them back to Winnipeg
  • Times, per minute, Pierre McGuire says something about his love of Mike Richards during a TSN/NBC broadcast of a Flyers game.
  • Elbows, per period, thrown by Pronger on unsuspecting opposing forwards
  • Cigarettes smoked by Carey Price during an average intermission
  • Shots high and wide by Jeff Carter during an average shift
  • The age Teemu Selanne will be when his point total and age are the same

Versteeg Down 26 by numbers

  • Shares a number with teammate Danny Syvret, Offensive Dynamo
  • Heart attacks DGS has per game started by Sergei Bobrovsky where Bob tries to handle the puck
  • Times Andrej Meszaros blasts that big slapshot wide per game on the PP
  • Dirty hits, per period, of this postseason so far
  • Times, per minute, Jack Edwards has accused the Habs of diving during Game 7 of Habs/Bruins
  • Times, per period, someone accuses the Flyers of needing better goaltending
  • Times, per game, I see the Ovechtrick commercial on Versus
  • The amount of cents Patrick Kane probably needs to pay his cabbie
  • The amount of shots Partick Kane drinks during an average game
  • Saves Brian Boucher made during game 7 to send the Flyers to round 2...Ryan Miller then accused Brian Boucher of committing genocide
  • Difference in height, measured in centimeters, between Kris Versteeg and Tyler Myers
  • Times Jonathan Toews has blinked...in his lifetime

There, now you know.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Analzying the Numbers: Hartnell Down

So as we all know, Scott Hartnell falls, a lot. And as we know, I count this with Seth, it's the Twitter hashtag #HartnellDown.

Anyway, the final was number was 241. So, now we're gonna look at the number 241 and compare it to the NHL



  • 241>215, the most points in a season, set by Wayne Gretzky
  • 241<255, the weight, in pounds, of professional goon Bruins Defenseman Zdeno Chara
  • 241>222, Scott Hartnell's career regular season assist total
  • 241>125 Gary Bettman's IQ....cubed
  • 241<307 The amount of PIMs that Zenon Konopka had this year, 241 would good for second place, as Classless F**k**g Douchebag err...rather...Jody Shelley's punching bag Chris Neil
  • 241<367 The amount of shots on net taken by Alex Ovechkin to lead the league, 241 would be good for #30, between John Taveres and Radim Vrbata
  • 241<500,000,000 the amount of times Jeff Carter has shot high and wide
  • 241>17, the amount of games Matt Cooke could be suspended for this year if the PenGoons last 7 games against Tampa.
  • 241<245 The amount of games Paul Maurice overstayed his welcome in Toronto.
  • 241<~578,000 The amount of people in Vancouver who fell over crying when the Wild beat the Stars.
  • 241>0, the amount of people who think Roberto Luongo didn't crap himself when the Wild beat the Stars

Thanks for reading, tomorrow, we look at Hartnell Down as an average and what it means.

2.94 Hartnell Downs per game is comparable to the following things

  • Amount of women Jeff Carter or Mike Richards sleeps with during a post game party


  • Amount of orgasms per second caused by a Claude Giroux deke


  • Amount of times Pierre McGuire thinks about Mike Richards per second of a Flyers broadcast

  • Amount of Elbows Chris Pronger throws per shift

  • Amount of heart attacks Peter Laviolette has per game because of Bobrovsky's puck handling.

Friday, March 18, 2011

An Editorial From Matt...Not A Humor Post

I read a lot of hockey blogs. I also read a lot of hockey websites. I think it's safe to say I probably have too much hockey in my life. My dad jokes that I "majored in hockey, with a minor in academics" at university. Go figure. Now, I'm double majoring in Political Science and Psychology, with concentrations in Political and Legal Theory and Cognitive Personality Development and Disorders, digest that for a second, I know it's a lot.

For classes in both fields, I've studied different forms of justice as well as the consequences of brain injuries, which brings me to feeling the need to write this post. I like to think that this classroom experience makes me somewhat informed on the topic. I'll avoid the word "expert" to avoid the urge to call out Andy Sutton at this point.

Needless to say this means that I see a lot of opinions on different things. From every little controversy from any supposed dirty hit to the charity point to the shootout to anything you can possibly think of, I've read about it, tweeted about it and probably put it on the list as a possible future podcast topic.

Now the charity point, shootout and what not have a lot of detractors and all, but honestly at the end of the day, they exist and there is no imminent threat to player safety in them so no real priority to change them, but I hope that they're eliminated in the future for a better tie-breaker scheme, or just give us ties again.

"Dirty" hits is why I'm writing this post. Brain injury issues are why I'm writing the post. The NHL's idiocy with regards to player safety is why I'm writing this post. So with that, let's begin an intelligent, intellectual, common sense based breakdown of the proper way to handle discipline in the league by crafting a model of how to properly discipline offenders.

Note: I'm not posting the videos, we've all seen them enough, if you need to look at them again, use google.


Zdeno Chara hits Max Pacioretty.

Chara and Max are chasing a puck near the wall, Max Pac chips it in and Chara finishes off Max Pac near the boards, Max Pac's head bounces off the stanchion, breaking his neck and leaving him with a severe concussion, Chara was assessed a major penalty and game misconduct on the play but not given any supplementary discipline. Oh yeah, the Montreal police are looking into this.

Grading the NHL's Response: F- if that's possible.

Why: Most people who support the NHL's decision to not suspend Chara say it's because of 1 or more of the following 3 things.

1. Anywhere else on the ice, the hit wouldn't have been as bad because the stanchion wouldn't have hit patches.

2. Chara had no intent to injure Max Pac/results shouldn't dictate discipline.

3. It's part of a hockey play and finishing your check, which is what the NHL said in their statement.


All 3 of these viewpoints have major logical flaws which I will now expose.

3. It's part of a hockey play and finishing your check

This is probably the easiest of the three to debunk. How is finishing a check on a player 30 feet away from the puck a hockey play. The answer is, it's not. For proof, let's go to the NHL rulebook shall we.

Rule 56.1 Interference states

Body Position: Body position shall be determined as the player skating in front of or beside his opponent, traveling in the same direction. A player who is behind an opponent, who does not have the puck, may not use his stick, body or free hand in order to restrain his opponent, but must skate in order to gain or reestablish his proper position in order to make a check.
Chara does not have body position and therefore under Rule 56.1, he is guilty of interference. So now that he's been found guilty, let's look at the punishment.

Rule 56.4 Interference Major Penalty stats

Major Penalty - The Referee, at his discretion, may assess a major penalty, based on the degree of violence, to a player guilty of interfering with an opponent (see 56.5)

I would say, based on the fact that Pacioretty was unconscious for several minutes, suffered a severe concussion and broke his neck, YES the C4 is part of your neck, that this hit had a major worthy degree of violence. So, now that we can safely say, the call on the ice was correct.

However, the decision to impose supplemental discipline was wrong. See, THIS WAS NOT A HOCKEY PLAY. If it were a hockey play, then WHY WAS IT CALLED INTERFERENCE! Simple, hockey plays are LEGAL hockey plays, by calling something ILLEGAL like interference, the NHL defined this play as NOT being a hockey play. It's not that hard to follow.


Ok well then, what about intent?

Intent is a little harder to prove. Tanner Glass of Vancouver said that any NHL player would know the rink and know exactly what was happening there. I believe him, as someone who's played hockey for years, I know my way around and Chara's played far longer and at far higher levels than I ever did, or probably ever will.

Did Chara have intent, is the question at hand? The answer is yes, yes he did.

Chara had something called implied intent. Implied intent basically means that once you commit an illegal act, in Chara's case, interference, you are fully responsible for any and all consequences, in Chara's case- Max Pac's injuries.

For instance, when driving a car, if you run a stop sign and then hit another car causing damage, the driver of the car that ran the stop sign would be the one who caused of the accident. Not only that, but their penalty and charges would be based on the amount of damage caused.

BUT MATT?!?! These are pro athletes, not hardened criminals:

Ok, fine, but in any just and modern society, there is a governing body that has the responsibility to insure that the its members are protected. The NHL commissioner's office (Bettman, Colie and crew) have that responsibility, and if they don't then, I'm ok with the police getting involved because SOMEONE needs to make sure the players are protected. The NHLPA has a reason to get involved as well, because it's kind of obvious that allowing hits like this one and others because the NHL's lack of movement on the issue has created an unsafe working condition for the players.

This starts with making the rinks safer, eliminate the between the benches stanchion. In the words of Mike Milbury, "no one cares if Pierre McGuire gets hit." And that's kind of true, Pierre can do his broadcasting thing from somewhere else.


3. Anywhere on the ice and this hit is harmless.

Irrelevant. If you crashed your car and hit a parked car, would you tell the courts "anywhere else on the road and I don't hit that car?" and expect to get away with it? Exactly. It's poor logic and horribly flawed.

Hits and incidents happen where they happen, not where they "could have happened" and justice should be served as such. There is a reason why justice systems in reasonable societies are based off these ideas, it's because they are fair and they work.

Yes, players are responsible for their own actions, I've said that before. However, players are NOT the judge, jury and executioners of justice- that's the NHL, that's Gary Bettman, Colin Campbell and the crew's job to determine. Their job is to not only enforce off ice justice, but also to make sure that justice is handed out in a logical and fair manner, Bettman has failed miserably at this, so has the NHL.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

DGS Podcast Episode 9: Jordan Kuhns

Download it here





Jordan Kuhns and I get heated over a lot of things
Zdeno Chara, headshots, Colie and the Wheel O' Justice
The Flyers turning things around
Jordan's life as a broadcaster

Jordan writes/is found on these sites

www.patrickkanesloosechange.blogspot.com

www.media.fans.nhl.com/vyhter


www.youtube.com/vyhter


www.youtube.com/millersvillehockey


www.villehockey.com


Articles/Quotes we reference:

National Post <--Good read on the topic.

The Tanner Class Quote:
Tanner Glass, Canucks: "I thought it was a dirty play. I thought he knew exactly what he was doing. It's unfortunate that a player got hurt that way . . . I think if you poll 700 NHL players, a good majority are going to say he knows exactly what he was doing and he knows the turnbuckle's there."

For above quote: see story here

Joe Thornton on TSN: "It's just something with Boston," Thornton told the Globe and Mail. "It just seems like they have a horseshoe. We've seen the [Milan] Lucic cross-check to the head [of Max Lapierre] earlier, and there's no disciplinary thing."


Videos of the hits we talked about:
(Editor's Note: Credit the videos to whoever uploaded them or whoever the uploader gives credit to. They are not property of DGSM)

MAX PAC/CHARA



POWE/LAD SMID



BOLLAND/KUBINA

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Flowchart of Winning

Ever wanted to know if you're winning. Use the following flowchart to find out!

(Editor's Note: You may need to click on it to see it)




Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Crosby Starts to Whine and Cry (Angels We Have Heard On High)

Yes that's right, another song parody. (Sing to Angels We Have Heard On High..which means...sing the chorus right in your mind when reading this). Long story short, we're rolling this song because of the Flyers amazing 3-2 victory over the Penguins to end their 12 game winning streak.


"Dive and Cry"

Crosby starts to whine and cry
After someone looks his way
And the ref gives a reply
A minor sends him away

Dive and Cry
Bettman looks the other way
Dive and Cry
Campbell looks the other way

Ovi slewfoots like a douche
After someone turns their back
And Bettman has no clue
Because he is such a quack

Board and spear
Bettman looks the other way
Board and spear
Campbell looks the other way

Subban is a whiny bitch
Always running his big mouth
And now digging his own ditch
Mike Richards will punch him out

Drop the gloves
PK gets what he deserves
Drop the gloves
Midgets cannot save his ass

Patrick likes to sip the wine
Then punch out the cabbie
Something tells me he's not fine
Hangovers are really crappy

Drink the booze
Kane soon will pass out again
Drink the booze
Kane is super drunk again

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Things Other People in the NHL want for Christmas

Yesterday we showed you what the Flyers want for Christmas, well, we also found out what the rest of the NHL wants for Christmas, here's what we found out.


Taylor Hall: To hopefully get a chance to play on an NHL team.

The New Jersey Devils: That the CBA is followed and Kovalchuk's contract is voided.

Brian Burke: Tyler Seguin and a 2011 Lottery pick

Mike Green: Someone who can teach me how to play defense...oh crap, I got Scott Hannan instead

Henrik and Daniel Sedin: A triplet who's identical to us as well

Toronto Maple Leafs Fans: Free therapy from a psychologist...and not Down Goes Spezza

Sheldon Souray: Nothing, I finally got the fuck out of Edmonton

Sidney Crosby: A real wing

Colin Campbell: The ability to use a BlackBerry

Gary Bettman: Expansion to Havana, Mexico City, San Juan, Cairo, and Death Valley...if necessary teams will be removed from Toronto, Detroit, Montreal and Chicago

Don't Trade Vinny: A date with Marty St Louis

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

NHL vs WWE

Ok, maybe this post is a product of the fact that I (like many hockey fans) am a fan of the WWE. Maybe this post is a product of attending the 11/29 Raw in Philly last night. Maybe this post is a result of Greg Wyshynski's wrestling themed season previews. Maybe it's a combination of some or all of the above. But either way, if you've ever wondered; there are a lot of parallels between the NHL and WWE. Come to think of it, some NHL personalities would fit perfectly with a WWE counterpart. Let's have a look.


WWE: The Rock
NHL: Chris Pronger

Both have outstanding interview skills and have won many awards/titles for their exploits on the playing surface. Also, both are known for finishing off opponents with a devastating elbow.


WWE: Million Dollar Man
NHL: Dan Ellis

Both love money. Both are willing to use their money to get what they want. Neither one has ever won or will ever win a world championship.

WWE: Mr. McMahon
NHL: Gary Bettman

One is an evil commissioner hellbent on making live miserable for fan favorite Stone Colt Steve Austin for being a rebellious anti-hero. The other is just flat out evil.

WWE: Rikishi
NHL: Dustin Byfuglien

Both are really big dudes who are known for using their backsides to obscure the vision of opponents. (Yes I know Buff plays D now...)

WWE: The Miz
NHL: Sidney Crosby

Both are talented to an extent, and both are shoved down our throats mercilessly. Also, both of them have faces that make me want to punch them. Both were handed titles by the powers that be even though they may not have deserved them.

WWE: The Undertaker
NHL: Mark Recchi

Both are old legends who can still go at it. Both are highly respected and each has a mystical aura about them. Recchi for still being able to bring it, and 'Taker for just being awe inspiring.

WWE: Ric Flair
NHL: Chris Chelios

Both are old, still going, and it doesn't make sense how they're still around. I'm pretty sure they're about the same age too.

WWE: Sheamus
NHL: Sergei Bobrovsky

Rookie sensations who were tossed right into the fire soon after their debuts. Bobs had a preseason featuring 2 games against mostly developmental talent and the Toronto Maple Leafs (Editor's Note: developmental talent and Toronto Maple Leafs is redundant). Both then soon would defeat someone considered to be the best..with Bob beating the Penguins on opening night and Sheamus knocking out HHH for an inhuman amount of time.

WWE: The Godfather
NHL: Carey Price aka Smokey McFornicate

Both love women, both love smoking. Both have "hos" following them around.

WWE: Santino Marella
NHL: Paul "BizNasty" Bissonette

Neither one is really talented at their trade, but both are incredibly funny.


WWE: Wade Barrett and Nexus
NHL: Bobby Clarke and the Broad Street Bullies

These groups each debuted, and quickly led violent takeovers over the establishment. Barrett is the leader of Nexus and Clarke was Captain of the Bullies. These groups were known for just beating anyone down who stood in their way.

WWE: Kurt Angle
NHL: Jaromir Jagr

Two incredibly talented athletes, both are Olympic gold medalists and both have won the highest championships in their sport. Also, both then ditched the most well known league in their sport for another less competitive league.

This means...


WWE: TNA
NHL: KHL

WWE has TNA, a place for old, over the hill veterans and those who just can't go anymore to still get a good paycheck. The NHL has the KHL for the same reasons.


WWE: John Cena
NHL: Paul Ranger

John Cena is known for coming out and telling people, "You can't see me" and we literally can't see Paul Ranger as no one knows where the f he is these days.

WWE: Matt and Jeff Hardy
NHL: Kyle and Eric Wellwood

Two sets of brothers. The older brother has a weight issue while the younger has immense amounts of talent. The only question, will Eric Wellwood develop the same drug problem

WWE: Edge
NHL: Marion Hossa

The Ultimate Opportunists, these guys both want championships and are willing to sell themselves in order for chances to get them.

WWE: Rey Mysterio
NHL: Martin St. Louis

Both are vertically challenged dudes who led underdogs to the title wins.

WWE: Bella Twins
NHL: Sedin Twins

Twins who could pull switches and no one would ever notice. (Editor's note: DGS has an easier time telling the Bella Twins apart)

WWE: Big Show
NHL: Zdeno Chara

Each one is the largest dude in his sport.

WWE: Chris Jericho
NHL: Claude Giroux

The man of 1004 holds meets the man of 1004 dekes. Enough said.




This is the first NHL meets Wrestling posts, Kevin from In Lou We Trust and I are going to be working out another one that should go up sometime next month

Sunday, November 21, 2010

25% Through the Season with 25 Reasons Why Your Team Could Win It All

So, since we're a quarter of the way through the season, it's probably a good idea to let you know the 25 reasons why your team could make the playoffs. Like last time, I'm pretty sure we're only gonna be about 25% accurate, but oh well.

  1. You have a player who scores with the stick in his pants instead of the stick in his hands.
  2. Your team plays in the Central Division.
  3. You have Swedish twins on your top line.
  4. Last season, your team had both a lottery pick and a playoff appearance.
  5. Your team acquired Gregory Campbell
  6. The opposing GMs in your division are named: Sather, Snow and Crazy Lou.
  7. Your GM is a Jedi.
  8. Your starting lineup is so scary, goalies have literally fainted from the amount of talent on your top line.
  9. Daniel Alfredsson has guaranteed your team will fall short of the playoffs.
  10. The Florida Panthers have invited fans of your team to their home games.
  11. You have a gold medal winning goalie from 2010 in net.
  12. You are an NHL team that doesn't play home games in Alberta, Canada.
  13. Gary Bettman has a man crush on your team's captain.
  14. Your top line has a player whose BAC is higher than his jersey number.
  15. Your team employs a goalie who stopped the 2 best offenses in the playoffs last year.
  16. Your team's goalie is the new rookie goalie sensation. (warning: may not work next year.)
  17. Your goalie will take your team to the playoffs because the alternative is paying for golfing lessons and he hates paying for anything.
  18. Your team is so stacked at forward, they can afford to trade a #2 overall draft pick from a few seasons ago for 'future considerations' and actually gain depth.
  19. Well, hey, Joe Thornton can't suck every year now, can he?
  20. Your team has $19M player who can't take a penalty shot instead of a $100M player unable to take a penalty shot.
  21. You're team wasn't mentioned on yesterday's list.
  22. There are no Sutter's making decisions in your organization.
  23. Your team failed to land Ilya Kovalchuk.
  24. Your old former Vezina winning goalie got so fat, he now takes up the whole net to the point that nothing gets by him.
  25. You don't play in Canada.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Hockey versus Baseball

So my blogging idol, Down Goes Brown, has done comparisons between Soccer and Hockey, Football and Hockey and Basketball and Hockey, but I didn't see any baseball on his list. (God help me if I'm wrong.)

Well, we here at Down Goes Spezza have decided to come up with a comparison between hockey and baseball for the good of helping hockey fans everywhere understand it. The reason for this is most likely you'll be forced to watch the MLB playoffs in October instead of opening night because well, the NHL doesn't have a tv deal with a normal channel yet.



MLB: Players have been known to have great performances ruined by the horrible officiating of Jim Joyce.
NHL: 
Players have been known to have great performances ruined by the horrible officiating of Kerry Fraser, Stephane Auger, video goal judges in Pittsburgh, Gary Bettman and just about every other official in the game.


MLB: Players who violate rules are suspended according to strict guidelines such as 50 games for a positve PEDs test, and 10 games for using corked bats.
NHL:
Players are suspended according to usage of a super secret flowchart. (At what point does Down Goes Brown decide to sue me?).

MLB: Players who do not perform well for their team can be sent down to a minor league organization known as Triple-A.
NHL: 
Players who do not perform well for their team can be sent down to a minor league organization known as the Calgary Flames.

MLB: Players have been known to embellish being hit by a pitch in order to get first base. (see Derek Jeter)
NHL: 
Players have been known to embellish being hit by high sticks or tripped in order to get a 2 minute Powerplay for their team. (see: Dan Carcillo, Max Lapierre, Sidney Crosby, Matt Bradley, Sean Avery).

MLB: Poor sportsmanship usually manifests itself in dirty slides and players throwing at each other.
NHL: 
Poor sportsmanship usually manifests itself in concussions after a Chris Pronger elbow to the skull.

MLB: Players with major weight issues have been known to throw perfect games.
NHL: 
Players with major weight issues have been known to become internet memes.


MLB: Players can sign insanely long contracts with NTCs that keep them in the same city for an entire career without fear of the contract being rejected due to the lack of a salary cap.
NHL: 
Players can sign insanely long contracts with NTCs that keep them in the same city for an entire career without fear of the contract being rejected due to the lack of enforcement of the salary cap. (DGB's urge to sure is rising...if he actually reads my blog).

MLB: Players can score from 2nd base, a distance of 180 feet, on a poorly hit ball by a stroke of luck known as a seeing-eye hit.
NHL: 
Players can score from a the defensive zone, a distance of 180 feet, on a poorly shot puck by shooting against Vesa Toskala. (If DGB hasn't decided to sue me yet, he sure will now)

MLB: Players have been known to have legal trouble due to steroid use and lying about it to the US Congress
NHL: 
Players have been known to have legal trouble due to dealing with shady Belorussian mobsters.

MLB: Players on bad teams such as the Florida Marlins also have to worry about horribly hot weather as well as hurricanes.
NHL: 
Players on bad teams such as the Edmonton Oilers still have to spend winters in chilly frozen ICY HELL Edmonton.

MLB: Players have been known to have shards of wood embedded in their chests from broken equipment
NHL: 
Players have been known to have their throats cut by equipment in perfect working order.

MLB: Big name players like Carl Pavano have been known to sign in New York and never play a game due to injury.
NHL: Big name players like Rick DiPietro have been known to be drafted by New York and never play a game due to injury.


MLB: Teams from Canada haven't won a championship since 1993
NHL: 
Same (Now, with lawsuits.)

Saturday, September 18, 2010

DGS Vacation Report: Sept 2010 Trip to Florida

Well I spent a week in Florida that was rather relaxing and fun. I got to spend to time with my family, made a few new friends, met a guy who's fan of both DGS and Don't Trade Vinny, which in my book makes him awesome. I also had a pizza delivery guy named Dan E. (off his name-tag) who I tipped 18% on purpose, he got the joke too which was awesome.

Then there were the frustrations, like trying to find a Simon Gagne Lightning T-shirt, apparently they don't exist, come to think of it, hockey didn't seem to exist in Florida at all. I flipped through the Sept 10 edition of the Orlando Sentinel newspaper. There were MORE ads for guns in the paper than for any kind of hockey equipment (roller or ice) or NHL related stuff. I'll pause so you can read that again.

Moving on, I found some intelligent hockey fans in Florida that are not my family members. This was refreshing knowing that people follow the sport even though Florida media seems to refuse to acknowledge its existence. One of them, introduced to me by DTV via the interwebz showed me that there's hope for hockey in the southern USA.

Sometime after the season starts, when I hit a creative lull, I'll revisit that issue again, until then. I hope to write some posts about Flyers camp and all. So stay tuned. Soon, I will return to my humor oriented content, don't worry.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I'm Not Melting Down On Twitter, I'm Writing An Angry Letter on the Blog Instead

Dear Florida,


I hate you. I really f-----g hate you. Here's why.


DGS is down in Florida visiting some family. He's having a nice vacation and enjoying some sun and eating great food and such.

Anyway, there was ONLY one thing that I wanted. A blue Tampa Bay Lightning #12 Simon Gagne t-shirt.

Guess what, they don't fucking have them. You'd think that on the weekend training camps open, it would be possible to get some Bolts stuff.

I stopped at 12 sports stores. All had Rays, Bucs, and Magic stuff. NONE had ANY Bolts stuff. It was depressing. Damn depressing.


Rant over

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sunday Brunch: A Discussion of Hilariously Hypothetical Things Related to the NHL, part 6

Well it's Sunday, and that means, BRUNCH TIME! Today, we're looking as possible nightmares that will kill us all.


So, here we go...in order to generate revenue, Gary Bettman ends up somehow getting appointed to a United States government job, his responsibility, to look over government contracts and void those that he thinks violate the law.


How does this go down?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

NHL 2010-2011 Season Preview: General NHL Stuff

Hey everyone. Just so you know starting tomorrow (September 2) and going every other day through September 12, I will be posting the Official DGS 2010-2011 Season Previews, we will be doing one division a day. At the end of this all, I'll post a recap that has links to all 6 posts and lists all 30 teams on one page (That will go up September 13).

In order to whet your appetite for the upcoming posts of awesomeness, I have a list of generalized NHL predictions here for you to see.


  • Kerry Fraser may be retired, but the NHL has hired a new referee who is legally blind in order to prove that the disabled can have successful careers.
  • Gary Bettman is still stupid. (I call this, "playing it safe")
  • Stephane Auger will screw with all of us by calling a game perfectly down the middle.
  • Kyle Wellwood will eat his way onto a team.
  • Antti Niemi will remain unemployed until he gives up his contract demand of "not having another NHL caliber goaltender on the roster" is met.
  • Rick DiPietro will end up on LTIR. (Playing it safe again am I)
  • Pierre McGuire will move to Massachusetts and marry his 'Monster' Zdeno Chara
  • Once Edmonton has its first cold snap in December, Taylor Hall will demand a trade out of Edmonton
  • Joe Thornton will lead the Sharks with clutch play during the regular season and post-season before finally giving out during the Finals and saying "What, you think I changed at all"
  • The Phoenix Coyotes will find their way back to Winnipeg

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The NHL's RDO Camp 2010: Rule Changes You Weren't Told About

So as we all know, the NHL just recently looked at possible rule changes at the RDO camp, well the DGS SuperSpies recently uncovered some other possible rule changes that were NOT tested at the RDO Camp. In the interest of public knowledge and full disclosure we're posting the list here for you to see.




  • After trying out 4 on 4, 3 on 3 and 2 on 2 overtimes, 1 on 1 and 0 on 0 were tried as well.


  • Goalie's were asked to go pad free, to avoid any debates as to whether pads were too big

  • New shootout format featuring empty nets. (NHL could just force all shooters to shoot on Vesa Toskala during the season to make this work)

  • Players were asked to play a 60 minute game officiated by Stephane Auger where the rules were applied fairly and consistently

  • Players wearing 87 for the Penguins were now called for diving

  • Games could now be canceled in favor of just a shootout

  • Teams on the PK would have the play goalie free and all penalties would last assigned length regardless of how many goals were scored. (note, Bettman still thinks the NHL would lack scoring with this rule)

  • Players were also forced to dress/change/shower in front of life sized posters of Pierre McGuire in order to prepare them for the experience of being interviewed by him after they get drafted.

  • In order to foster more scoring, pucks now entering the crease count as a goal, and pucks entering the back of the net count as 2 goals.

  • Defenseman throwing body checks in the defensive zone will now be called for a 2 minute penalty for "not allowing scoring chances"

  • Goalies who cover the puck in the goal crease are now subject to a "delay of game penalty"

  • Goalies can no longer leave crease to play puck or make saves.

  • Players were also taught to have sophomore slumps that make Steve Mason's look non-existent.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

NHL Possible Expansion

Ok, so we know there's a lot of talk of movement in the NHL in terms of franchise relocations. Phoenix, the Islanders, any southern market team that fails to make money, have all been mentioned as possibly moving in the next few years. We here at DGS would like to talk about possible movement in the NHL, somewhat seriously....oh bloody hell who are we kidding? We're gonna have a lot of fun with this.


A huge glove bump, stick tap, and thank you from DGS goes to the following people who really helped make this post possible:

  • Don't Trade Vinny
  • Peter from Hoosier Hockey
  • HockeyBroad

Now of course to have an intelligent discussion about this topic, we need to solve a few problems, like Gary Bettman






So, now that we solved that problem. We can move on and begin discussing possible NHL expansions.


We'll start with Phoenix. Honestly, I wouldn't mind seeing the Coyotes move back to Winnipeg. Also, perhaps my Canadian readers and friends could answer this for me, why has no one suggested Regina/Saskatoon as destinations for an NHL franchise, they're decently sized cities? Is there something that I'm missing? (Like conditions that make Edmonton look nice?)

(Hoosier Hockey's Peter Evans supplied me with this:
"Regina/Saskatoon will not work seeing as they don't have the much needed corporate money necessary to have a team. Yes, the Credit Union Centre can barely accomidate an NHL franchise (I mean that in the loosest way possible), but the corporate dollars just aren't there.
") If anyone wants to dispute the findings of Mr. Evans, I'm all ears.

Mississauga, Ontario is a another place that I think a team could go.

If the Coyotes need to stay in the USA, then perhaps we could give Portland, Maine a shot (Wikipedia gives the metro area of Portland at around 500,000 people)and Milwaukee, Wisconsin could get a look as well. These destinations could work for the Islanders.

Peter Evans from Hoosier Hockey has offered his opinions on some of my ideas


Portland, OR- I don't see this happening. The city has just thrown a ton of money into converting their baseball stadium into an MLS facility. They've hit a stand still on the possible location of a new minor league stadium and the city LOVES their arena that's used for their WHL franchise. I'm just not buying the city building a new facility.

Seattle- Key Arena is a horrible place to watch a hockey game. Also, it would be too small and needs renovation. Seattle doesn't want to throw down money stuff such as this. I don't see it happening.

Kansas City- New arena and they're hungry for a tenant. Here's the issue: That city does not care about hockey. They have trouble keeping minor league teams. The Scouts lasted all of two seasons and when they had preseason games last year, they couldn't even give the seats away.

Hamilton, ON- No way. Too many issues with the league not really wanting a team there. TSN estimated that with stadium renovations, fees and money spent to Toronto and Buffalo on market infringement it would cost almost a billion dollars just to have the team. That's a huge set up fee. Also I honestly believe that if you put a team in Hamilton, Buffalo will be gone within a decade.

Portland, ME- Too small, not enough corporate money. No major arena.

Quebec City- Plans in place to build a new arena, an owner waiting in the wings, tons of corporate money. More a matter of when rather than if.

Winnipeg- An arena that will need minimal renovation, ownership groups frothing at the mouth, enough community support to ensure sellouts at an incredibly high rate. Referenced as the first city on Bettman's list.

Milwaukee- They were on the short list during that last decade of expansion. There isn't much interest in pursuing NHL hockey up there. I don't really see it happening.

Hartford- The arena needs renovation. There is interest in bringing them back, it's a possibility, but I don't see it happening before bringing back QC and Winnipeg.



Now, onto NHL expansion...

No, not the Gary Bettman kind.

No, not the Sami Salo kind either.


I mean, expanding the NHL to 32 teams like the NFL.

Here me out, I have an idea for this and I think it could work. I'll do the divisions, with how I work it.

Eastern Conference

Division A
Flyers
Rangers
Devils
Penguins

Division B
Hurricanes
Thrashers
Lightning
Panthers

Division C
Islanders: Now in Mississauga or Hamilton**
Canadiens
Maple Leafs
Senators

Division D
Bruins
Sabres
Hartford (Expansion)
Capitals



Western Conference

Division A
St Louis
Chicago
Detroit
Columbus

Division B
Minnesota
Dallas
Nashville
Milwaukee (Expansion)

Division C
San Jose
Los Angeles
Anaheim
Colorado

Division D
Phoenix (Back in Winnipeg or in Regina/Saskatoon)
Vancouver
Calgary
Edmonton



I tried to keep rivalries together (Easter Div A and West Div B) while working geographically, also I kept the Canadian teams together in hopes that they draw big revenue by playing each other a lot.


As for the schedule:


other 3 teams in division

Inter-division games: 24
play 8x (4 home/4 road)

Other 3 divisions in conference

play 4x (2 home 2 road) 48

For 72 games.

Play 1 out of conference division 2x (1 home/1 road)

that's 80 games.

Play 3 teams that finished in your divisional slot (1st place vs 1st place) out of conference 2x (1 home, 1 road) for 6 more games


That's an 86 game schedule, and that's my thoughts on the topic. If you agree/disagree discuss it here. I've enlisted the help of HoosierHockey and Don't Trade Vinny for their views on the topic.

Don't Trade Vinny added this to regarding the NHL Preseason:

Extend the preseason from 4 games to at least eight games for every team, with some of the games being played in a neutral market. Then, we could see what markets generate potential expansion sites.

Places with huge collegiate hockey markets (Dakotas, Maine, etc.) could host preseason games. For instance, Boston vs. Philly preseason in Maine. Chicago vs. Vancouver or Calgary in the Dakotas.

Other places the NHL has considered could then be used also. San Jose vs. Colorado in Las Vegas. St. Louis vs. Chicago in Kansas City. Toronto vs.Ottawa in Hamilton. Columbus vs. Nashville in Indy. Not only could the sites be geographically specific based on teams, but could also be great in between travel points during the preseason, which could in turn provide less early season fatigue for everyone which could then in turn make the exciting first year players break out quicker and/or avoid that typical freshmen late season breakdown.

I happen to think that he's onto something there, of course, 86 games, plus 8 in the preseason means camps would open Sept 1, (8 games player between Sept 8 and 27) and the Regular season would start October 1 and run to April 15, playoffs begin April 20 and run through June 25 like they do now.


**- Note from Hoosier Hockey's Peter Evans: There is just absolutely no way in the world that the Islanders would move out of that New York market. The amount of money they bring in, in terms of TV revenue and advertising dollars is just way too high to leave. The more likely option is that they either A) Move to Queens (next to Citi Field), B) Move into the Barclays Center in Brooklyn or the more likely C) They remain where they are with a new arena devoid of pretty much any of the things Wang wanted built with the Lighthouse Project.)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Sunday Brunch: A Discussion of Hilariously Hypothetical Things Related to the NHL, part 3


Good morning DGS-ers!






I hope this Sunday is treating you well, I'm honestly probably still in bed, and due to the great Auto-post feature, don't actually have to get up to post this. But that is neither here nor there. Today, we have yet another DGS-discussion and we hope that you the fans can get behind.


Today, we're taking a look into a possible future, one where the NHL is actually run by competent people, and the idiots have been fired.


Anyway, we're sitting somewhere, probably New Orleans, and Gary Bettman, Glen Sather, Paul Holmgren, John Ferguson Jr, Brian Lawton and Darryl Sutter have just decided to start a business together.

We here at DGS want to know, what do you think happens!