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| 1: How many more Dives I will take, just one more dive and I will never dive again |
Today's patient is someone we see a lot of during NHL broadcasts. This guy has won a few awards and some giant trophy that has his name engraved on it. His name is Sidney Crosby. Sid the Kid seems to always end up on my television, and believe me, I hate that.
Now I am not here to write about how Gary Bettman has a huge man crush on Sidney. I really cannot judge people for man crushes as we all know that I have a huge man crush on Chris Pronger (and this goes back to his days with St. Louis, so yeah, I've always loved those amazing elbows). (Jaye from PKLC and Jason from DWYDN are probably thinking 'oh god, here he goes again')
Anyway, onto looking at possible problems with the psychological state of Mr. (or Ms) Crosby we see quite a few possibly things that could be wrong. I've come up with several possible diagnoses and I happen to be prepared to present my findings.
Now, I'm looking at a category of psychological illnesses called the Somatoform Disorders. What are they, well I'm looking at two diseases known to most people as Münchhausen's Syndrome and Conversion Disorder. Also, on the list of things to look at is Histrionic Personality Disorder.
Now, many Philadelphia fans have questioned Sidney Crosby's gender identification and sexual orientation. I am NOT here to talk about that as they are not any kind of psychological disorder. If Sidney wants to live as a woman, that's his choice and there are plenty specialists who can help him with those issues.
(Editor's Note: Both Matt and Amy of DGS are huge supporters of LGBT rights and same-sex marriage in the USA)
Münchhausen's Syndrome: This condition is characterized by frequent usage of faking injuries and illnesses in order to gain the attention of others. Sidney's embellishment and love of diving is definitely falls under faking injuries. However, there seems to be one problem, someone with this condition would frequently miss time in order to get these injuries treated. Since he doesn't seem to always be running to the training staff and because Crosby has a habit of popping right up after a hook or a trip is called so, he doesn't seem to have this condition.
Conversion Disorder: Conversion Disorder is a psychiatric condition that shows itself by the patient feeling intense amounts of pain when a mild stimulus is presented. This would explain why Crosby dives and cries every time someone looks at him the wrong way. This disorder is not physical in nature, rather, the reason the for the excessive pain is usually emotional in nature. This emotional pain comes from a lack of self-esteem.
Pretty sure there's some legit reasons to feel sad their. Sid wants to be loved, and appreciated, but he's in the wrong sport.
This just in, the DGS SuperSpies apparently were in a church sitting next to Crosby as he prayed, and apparently it went something like this:
"Dear God, My name's Sidney, and I've won a Stanley Cup but these people seem to think that I absolutely suck."
At this point, there was a white light, and the heavens opened up and gold himself was standing before Crosby, and he replied, "Well, Cindy"
Crosby went, "But my names Sidney"
god said, "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS"
Histrionic Personality Disorder: This one also seems like Sid. It's characterized by sexually provocative behavior, (his reciprocation of Bettman's man crush, love of himself and Malkin, and this.) Exaggeration of emotional states (all the whining) and physical responses (all the diving). Come to think of it, Sidney Crosby is the textbook definition of this condition. One more thing, fun fact of HPD: almost 90% of people who have it are of the female gender. Interpret that as you wish.
(Editor's Note: We're not saying Crosby is a woman, we're just reporting a fact about the condition we were discussing, it's up to you to do what you want with that.)
I think it's safe to say, no matter what he has, I think that Crosby Sucks.
(Editor's Note: Sucks is defined as, being someone we have absolutely no respect for because the player in question is a total d-bag. Crosby's on ice stats are, impressive but inflated due to the coddling of referees.)
Seriously though, the treatment is to get Crosby to overthrow Bettman and insert a commissioner who won't stand for the dives. Sound like a plan? Who's with me?
