Other Things NHL Players Have Forgotten

So, earlier this weekend Flyers Captain Michael Richards tweeted about forgetting to pay his cable bill

Oh Richie, were you also expecting a phone call
informing you that the 2nd round of the playoffs
had started as well?

Well, honestly Mr. Richards isn't the only person in the NHL to forget something, as a matter of fact, many NHL players and personalities have been known to forget things, and here at DGS, we have the list.



Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten how to do basic math and has given the Flyers cap problems for at least the next 5 years.

Dan Ellis: Has claimed that he "forgot" to pay his ESCROW.

Nick Lidstrom: Is so old that he has in fact, forgotten to retire.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten the rules of the CBA pertaining to 35+ contracts and gave Pronger 7 years and a cap hit of 4.921.

The Toronto Maple Leafs: Have forgotten what the playoffs are.

Joe Thornton: Has apparently forgotten that he is playing in the playoffs right now.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten, like his predecessor, what "goaltending" is.

Kyle Wellwood: Forgets to stick to his diet.

Evgeni Nabokov: Forgot that the Islanders do NOT yet have a new arena and ended up lost on Long Island because he absolutely thought that there was no way an NHL team would ever play in the Nassau Coliseum.

Michael Leighton: Has forgotten how to close his 5-hole.

Paul Holmgren: Forgot that Michael Leighton doesn't know how to close his 5 hole and therefore gave him a 1.55 cap hit.

Chris Pronger: Would like to forget this year from hell.

Scott Hartnell and Kris Versteeg: Have both forgotten how to skate which led to the fun of Hartnell Down and Versteeg Down counts.

Jonathan Toews: Has forgotten how to blink, show emotion, and display normal.

The Boston Bruins: Have forgotten that it's perfectly OK to score when you're up a man.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten what a draft pick is due to the fact that the Flyers haven't had one in forever.

Roberto Luongo, and many of the Vancouver Canucks: Have forgotten the difference between a diving pool and an ice rink.

Matt Cooke: Will most likely soon forget the lesson he learned from his 17 game suspension for a headshot and will end up elbowing Gregory Campbell in the head early next season.

Gary Bettman: Has obviously forgotten that he doesn't work for the NBA anymore.

Patrick Kane: Has forgotten what it's like to be sober

The Flyers Entire Defensive Corps: Randomly forgets how to play defense leaving Brian Boucher alone against Zdeno Chara slap shots.

Daniel Carcillo: Forgot that some things, like questions involving sexual turn ons, are probably better left to realm of a "DM" on Twitter.

Ilya Bryzgalov: Forgot that the playoffs actually count.

Other NHL Sex Related Scandals

So earlier today Daniel Carcillo tweeted the following:

@OG_CarBomb13: "@BizNasty2point0 weigh in on this. When a girl leans back while fingers r in her and says "my dad would b so proud of me"..turn on or no??"

Needless to say he followed up with an apology and then a tweet about going

@OG_CarBomb13: "Goin' commando in N.Y. Feeling so free!"

Now, Daniel Carcillo isn't the first NHL player to have a problem with sexist comments as a matter of fact the NHL is littered with tons of sex issues, here's some of the lowlights.

• December 2008: Sean Avery makes a comment about sloppy seconds. Later in 2010, after a long steady diet of lithium and anti-psychotics, he vows to stand by any gay NHL player who wants to come out of the closet
  
  
• September 2005: Soon after the NHL lockout ends, fans all across the NHL begin questioning the sexuality of one Sidney Crosby.
  
  
• October 2010: James Wisniewski tells Sean Avery to "blow me" marking Wis as being the first NHL player to tell Avery something everyone has wanted to do for years.
  
  
• May 2011: A woman takes a picture of a sleeping Patrick Kane and his boarding pass, come to think of it, why hasn't this happened more often? Also, in a more important question, how did Pat Kane think he was getting to the airport since I'm pretty sure no cabbie would drive him anymore?
  
  
• January 2010: Patrick Kane is photographed shirtless in the back of a limo. The obvious question here is 'does Pat Kane treat limo drivers like he does cabbies?' The second question, "When was Patrick Kane last sober?"
  
  
• June 2008: During the month of June 2008, Brian Rolston discovered a sex-tape of Devils GM Lou Lamoriello, because quite honestly, this is the only explanation for a contract that terrible.
  
  
• July 1996: Todd Bertuzzi gets married, marking the first time a human being has ever married an slimy invertebrate.
  
  
• December 2009: Jeff Carter texts teammate Scott Hartnell that he's going out shopping with wife Lisa for some new outfits so he can look good while picking up women, talk about a text that totally got interpreted wrong.
  
  
• Sometime in say 2004 to present: DGS was accused of kissing girls; and he liked it...something involving the taste of her cherry chapstick
  
  
• Sometime in 2003: Martin Brodeur engages in an affair with his wife's brother's wife. All in all, this makes Chris Pronger look far less slimy.
  
• Since 2001: Pregnancies in Detroit have been increasing exponentially due to the fact that Pavel Datsyuk can impregnate women with dekes.
  
• May 2009: BizNasty graduated with his degree in "Panty Soup." Enough said.
  
• Since 2002: Pierre McGuire has creeped out NHL-ers everywhere by calling games. 

(Editor's Note: RIP Derek Boogaard, you will be missed. 28 is too young for anyone to go.)

Hartnell Down and Versteeg Down: Round 1 Update

To end Round 1, Hartnell Down had a count of 48 and Versteeg Down had a count of 26.

Hartnell Down 48 by the numbers

• Shares a jersey number with linemate Danny Briere
• Height, in inches, of Nathan Gerbe
• Waist measurement of Kyle Wellwood
• Amount of years the NHL would have to control the Phoenix Coyotes before Bettman would ever consider moving them back to Winnipeg
• Times, per minute, Pierre McGuire says something about his love of Mike Richards during a TSN/NBC broadcast of a Flyers game.
• Elbows, per period, thrown by Pronger on unsuspecting opposing forwards
• Cigarettes smoked by Carey Price during an average intermission
• Shots high and wide by Jeff Carter during an average shift
• The age Teemu Selanne will be when his point total and age are the same
  

Versteeg Down 26 by numbers

• Shares a number with teammate Danny Syvret, Offensive Dynamo
• Heart attacks DGS has per game started by Sergei Bobrovsky where Bob tries to handle the puck
• Times Andrej Meszaros blasts that big slapshot wide per game on the PP
• Dirty hits, per period, of this postseason so far
• Times, per minute, Jack Edwards has accused the Habs of diving during Game 7 of Habs/Bruins
• Times, per period, someone accuses the Flyers of needing better goaltending
• Times, per game, I see the Ovechtrick commercial on Versus
• The amount of cents Patrick Kane probably needs to pay his cabbie
• The amount of shots Partick Kane drinks during an average game
• Saves Brian Boucher made during game 7 to send the Flyers to round 2...Ryan Miller then accused Brian Boucher of committing genocide
• Difference in height, measured in centimeters, between Kris Versteeg and Tyler Myers
• Times Jonathan Toews has blinked...in his lifetime

There, now you know.

Matt Cooke's Secrets To Avoiding Suspension

Matt Cooke finally had the bomb dropped on him today getting a 4 game suspension. For a guy with so many dirty hits in his career; he sure escaped justice for a long time. It just so happens that he's run out of excuses to dodge a suspension. that being said; the DGS-SuperSpies obtained a list of Matt Cooke's excuses.


Ways Matt Cooke has avoided suspension:

• But Colie, Marc's a "little fake artist" he faked the video; I didn't touch him I swear.
  
• As I taught Andy Sutton; "you're not an expert"
  
• Unlike Daniel Carcillo; I have never played for the Flyers.
  
• Hey MEDIA PEOPLES! LOOK IT'S SIDNEY CROSBY AND HE IS DOING INTERVIEWS!!
  
• The Chewbacca Defense
  
• Look, none of my issues are sexual in nature, I'm not Avery or Wisniewski
  
• Paul Ranger is missing; can you find him?
  
• Evander Kane took my head off; no one did a damn thing
  
• But I'm the cookie monster! and I give the cookies to Kyle Wellwood

Crosby Starts to Whine and Cry (Angels We Have Heard On High)

Yes that's right, another song parody. (Sing to Angels We Have Heard On High..which means...sing the chorus right in your mind when reading this). Long story short, we're rolling this song because of the Flyers amazing 3-2 victory over the Penguins to end their 12 game winning streak.


"Dive and Cry"

Crosby starts to whine and cry
After someone looks his way
And the ref gives a reply
A minor sends him away

Dive and Cry
Bettman looks the other way
Dive and Cry
Campbell looks the other way

Ovi slewfoots like a douche
After someone turns their back
And Bettman has no clue
Because he is such a quack

Board and spear
Bettman looks the other way
Board and spear
Campbell looks the other way

Subban is a whiny bitch
Always running his big mouth
And now digging his own ditch
Mike Richards will punch him out

Drop the gloves
PK gets what he deserves
Drop the gloves
Midgets cannot save his ass

Patrick likes to sip the wine
Then punch out the cabbie
Something tells me he's not fine
Hangovers are really crappy

Drink the booze
Kane soon will pass out again
Drink the booze
Kane is super drunk again

The Sutter Trade Transcript

Per Jeff Marek on Twitter earlier: CAL trades White and Sutter to CAR for Babchuk and Kostopolous.

Now, when the entire Sutter clan seems to run the Calgary Flames, one can only assume that the conversation between the Sutters to inform Drunk Sutter that he had been traded. So, the DGS Super Spies tracked down what happened and caught it on tape.


GM Sutter: Hey, look, you just got arrested for Patrick Kane-ing someone. I need to do something.

Drunk Sutter: But dad! and Uncle! I drink because you guys are running this team into the ice. We're falling faster than Sidney Crosby after someone breathes on him. This team has fallen harder than any victim of the Pronger elbow, it's more punishment to keep me here.

Coach Sutter: See, that's the thing, we all know it's worse to keep you here. Now, we've decided in the interest of fairness to do something kind of nice.

GM Sutter: We're NOT trading you to Edmonton. Be thankful we could have done that.

Drunk Sutter: So, where am I going?

Coach Sutter: Hurricanes.

GM Sutter: Yeah, see, this is good for us.

Coach Sutter: By sending you to Carolina, you can meet up with your cousin.

GM Sutter: See the idea being, we Sutters will begin massing power on both the SE and NW. Doing this we will SLOWLY begin to take over the NHL, and the world.

Coach Sutter: *EVIL LAUGH* you have done well, brother. Soon we shall rule the world! One family above all.

Drunk Sutter: So I'm gonna go pack my bags...see you later Dad...and uncle...(under his breath) they're the f*ck--g reason I drink...




Drunk Sutter then texted Hurricanes Sutter: "DUDE U were So RIGHT!!! Going Pat Kane on that cabbie got me traded, finally I'm outta that shithole called Calgary"

The reply: "Thank god, our dads are delusional aren't they, hope we dont turn in2 them when we get older"

It's on PKLC vs DGS!

Last night Twitter went ablaze when PKLC and DGS got into it. Over what you may ask, competitive fantasy hockey!

Long story short, during a late night on Twitter, challenges were issued, gloves were dropped, cyber fists were thrown, and no one came out ahead. In order to prove that DGS is superior, at least as a Fantasy Hockey League owner, DGS and PKLC have a bet going on. When PKLC loses, our friends from PKLC will write about how awesome DGS is at life, blogging, humor and being awesome. We know it's coming, PKLC is going down. (For the PKLC delusion that DGS is going down, click here)

After laughing at their attempted superiority I have now devised my evil plan to defeat the PKLC, in April, the superior DGS will laugh as PKLC punches our lights out faster than Patrick Kane on a cab driver tells the truth about DGS.

[Note from Amy: I did NOT consent to this. This 'who has a bigger c**k contest' is between Matt and PKLC. La bonne chance, les messieurs.]

NHL 2010-2011 Season Previews: Southeast Division

Part 4 of the series is here. Today were looking at the southeast division. By the way, Max Talbot called and told me that I need to call Alex Ovechkin a douche. I don't know if I actually will, but hey, you never know.

Florida Panthers

The Good: Sports interest in Miami is now buzzing due to the acquisitions of LeBron James and Chris Bosh along with Wade's decision to stay.

The Bad: This has absolutely nothing to do with hockey.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Goalies for the Panthers no longer have to worry about being decapitated by Keith Ballard.

Carolina Hurricanes

The Good: Are set up with plenty of early first round picks coming from their tank job that should continue for another 3-4 years.

The Bad: After losing Michael Leighton to the Flyers and not resigning Manny Legace, the 'Canes now only have 1 goalie with Stanley Cup experience in Cam Ward.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope that other teams take pity on them and allow them to face 82 games of backup goaltenders.

Tampa Bay Lightning

The Good: New General Manager Steve Yzerman is a Jedi which will allow him to hopefully keep evil Sith Lord Darth Ellis in check. (Question Time: How many Twitter meltdowns does Ellis have during the season?)

The Bad: Will constantly be distracted by rumors of trading Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis, and Simon Gagne to the Canadiens for PK Subban and Carey Price as well as having to pay attention to what Dan Ellis says on Twitter.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will at some point, convince the Flyers to trade Jeff Carter for Paul Ranger.

Washington Capitals

The Good: Because of the tire-changing prowess of Brooks Laich, the Capitals will never be late to games due to flat tires.

The Bad: Like the US Congress, the team will be loaded with plenty of potential but will not actually get anything positive done when it matters.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the NHL teams fall victim to the idea that Mike Green is a defensemen when in fact he actually plays forward.

Atlanta Blackhawks...Thrashers

The Good: As of last check of the team's roster with players like Byfuglien, Kane and Ladd, they are the defending Stanley Cup Champions

The Bad: The team may suffer from an identity crisis as the Cup winning players will have a hard time adjusting to playing in the empty arenas of the Southeast Division.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will do everything they did last season when the team played in Chicago and hope that it works again.

Flyers Strategies for Winning Game 3

As we have seen, the Flyers dropped 2 out in the Windy City to fall into a 2-0 situation. However, in order to come back, the Flyers have devised a slightly devious strategy for coming back. Just like the Boston series, the Flyers have a few tricks up their sleeves, and we here at DGS know just what they are. So, loyal readers, here is your list of Flyers strategies for Game 3.

• Dan Carcillo will now only hit members of the Blackhawks.
• Flyers goaltenders finally were told that Patrick Sharp and Ben Eager no longer play on their team, also Mike Leighton finally was informed that he doesn't play for the Blackhawks anymore.
• Will confuse Chicago scorers by having every goalie that dressed this season suited up and on the ice during pregame warmups.
  
• Chris Pronger will confuse the Hawks by bringing the extra pucks onto the ice.
• When getting his ride to the game, local Cab Drivers have been instructed to not give correct change to Patrick Kane
• The team will remind Marian Hossa that he is in fact, still Marian Hossa
• Super secret agents kidnapped opposing Finnish goaltender Antti Niemi and replaced him with another famous Finnish goaltender, Vesa Toskala. (DGS Note: This also happened during the Game 7 Timeout in Boston).
• Since we have hockey in June, the Flyers, stealing a Habs idea, will put sand in the tunnel from the Hawks bench to the locker room to remind them that it's almost beach front vacation time.
• Ruined Duncan Keith's morale by saying "hey, I'm real happy for you and all, and Imma let you finish but I just want you to know that Lappy came back from the best injury ever, best injury ever"