It's 5 days before Christmas, and it seems that the DGS Super Spies have found letters to Santa from hockey players all over the world....we're re-printing some for you here.
From: Paul Holmgren
Dear Santa,
Can you give me a calculator? Everyone tells me I need to learn something called math.
Paul
From: The Florida Panthers
Dear Santa,
Can you make the league take us seriously? We're like in first place and all...
The Florida Panthers
From: Caps GM George McPhee
Dear Santa,
I'm trying to get to the conference finals for a change, but I also want to Fail For Nail. Can you help me with that?
GMGM
Rick Nash and Jarome Iginla oddly wrote the same thing
Dear Santa,
Can I finally play for an NHL team? Please!
Rick/Jarome
From Steve Mason:
Dear Santa,
I want a pony, a chance to play in the AHL and my talent back.
Stevie
From Dwayne Roloson
Dear Santa,
Get Teemu to share his Fountain with me again.
Rolie
From Peter Laviolette
Dear Santa,
I'm calling timeout and taking 30 seconds to make sure this letter is delivered perfectly.
Now, I want a goalie. A real goalie. A goalie who gives me consistent .925 SV%'s. I got Bryzgalov this summer instead. So I need to make sure this happens. Also; can you take out the 35+ provision in the CBA, we need to remove Pronger somehow. Thank you again for your cooperation.
Pete
The Buffalo Sabres
Dear Santa,
Can you bring us Ville Leino? Not this scrub who claims to be Ville but is not very good at hockey.
Pegs
From Roberto Luongo,
Dear Santa,
Last year, I asked that the Canucks find a way to succeed in spite of my choking. I didn't actually mean for you to find Cory Schneider.
Lou.
From Lou Lamoriello
Dear Santa,
Bah, humbug. Get through my trap, then dodge my jelly. Then find me a way to sign Zach Parise.
Lou
From Tim Thomas
Dear Santa,
Donuts. Lots of them.
Timmy
Showing posts with label Paul Holmgren. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Paul Holmgren. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The Laviolette Line Lottery
Well, it seems that Lavi is at it again, just pulling lines at random and inserting them on to the ice. The thing is, these lines aren't random, in fact, the lines come from a come from a long list of rules that must be adhered to. Luckily, the DGS SuperSpies obtained this list and we're gonna share it.
1. Due to the lack of centers, Couturier, Briere, Schenn, Giroux and Talbot are not allowed to be on a line together.
2. Scott Hartnell falls for linemates, he has to removed from a line after falling to prevent the center from possibly having relations with his wife.
3. Danny Briere will take a stick foul if left with the same linemates for more than 2 consecutive shifts.
4. Paul Holmgren believes that changing Couturier's line fast enough will actually slow down time allowing him to slide Couturier even though he plays in 82 games.
5. After a shift, when Matt Read says, "and I learned that at Bemidji" State," any forward within ear shot has to go to the lockerroom to look up how to spell Bemidji.
6. Sometimes players miss shifts on account of being dazed from Chris Pronger's left elbow.
7. Jake Voracek hasn't quite learned the system of "rely on your talented young center to get you the puck"
8. Due to the smaller ice surface of North America, while sitting on the bench, Jagr actually thinks he's playing the game.
9. Peter Laviolette rotates his forwards on account of not having goalies to rotate anymore.
10. Paul Holmgren accidentally called out line changes from the GM's office...needless to say, like his math skills, his memory of lines leaves much to be desired.
1. Due to the lack of centers, Couturier, Briere, Schenn, Giroux and Talbot are not allowed to be on a line together.
2. Scott Hartnell falls for linemates, he has to removed from a line after falling to prevent the center from possibly having relations with his wife.
3. Danny Briere will take a stick foul if left with the same linemates for more than 2 consecutive shifts.
4. Paul Holmgren believes that changing Couturier's line fast enough will actually slow down time allowing him to slide Couturier even though he plays in 82 games.
5. After a shift, when Matt Read says, "and I learned that at Bemidji" State," any forward within ear shot has to go to the lockerroom to look up how to spell Bemidji.
6. Sometimes players miss shifts on account of being dazed from Chris Pronger's left elbow.
7. Jake Voracek hasn't quite learned the system of "rely on your talented young center to get you the puck"
8. Due to the smaller ice surface of North America, while sitting on the bench, Jagr actually thinks he's playing the game.
9. Peter Laviolette rotates his forwards on account of not having goalies to rotate anymore.
10. Paul Holmgren accidentally called out line changes from the GM's office...needless to say, like his math skills, his memory of lines leaves much to be desired.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Not So Different, 2011-12 Flyers and 2009 Yankees
Last week, I did the similarities between the Flyers and Maple Leafs, this week, I started noticing some parallels between the current Flyers and the New York Yankees of 2009.
In 2008, a long term core of Yankees disappointed many by flat out missing the playoffs.
In 2011, a long term core of Flyers disappointed many by going down without a fight in the playoffs (round 2)
After this meltdown, fans of both teams wanted the coach/manager to be fired. (I had posts on my facebook wall and tweets regarding Lavi, Yankees ALWAYS want to fire the manager when the team loses)
Both teams blew up several positions in the ensuing offseason that showed a change in team philosophy:
The Yankees: instead of signing big bats and offense, went out and grabbed 2 starting pitchers at insane contracts pushing their young pitchers (Hughes, Chamberlain) back in the rotation/to the bullpen.
The Flyers: traded some top offensive players (Carter and Richards) to free up cap space to sign a starting goaltender (Ilya Bryzgalov) to an insane contract pushing a young up and coming goalie (BOB) to the pine.
Both teams saw a star player who was formerly a top offensive player begin to take a back seat
The Yankees: Alex Rodriguez began to see less time at 3B and more time as a DH while Eric Hinske was acquired to come off the bench and take his place more and more
The Flyers: Scott Hartnell's ice time dropped in favor of the newly acquired Wayne Simmonds.
Both teams acquired a player via trade with a solid classy personality
The Yankees: Put Nick Swisher in RF
The Flyers: Put Wayne Simmonds on the 2nd line
Both teams found a solid rookie who would turn into something that was somewhat overhyped given his actual role.
The Yankees: Francisco Cervelli (Catcher) came up from AAA to his over .300 while filling in for an injured Jorge Posada. He eventually gave the reigns back to Posada but some of his solid hitting helped the 09 Yankees to the World Series.
The Flyers: Matt Read, an undrafted UFA out of Bemidji State University, came out of nowhere during camp to wow everyone with a lot of talent before earning a spot in the Top 9 on opening night. He's seen some top 6 minutes, but will probably see most time on the 3rd line moving forward.
Both teams parted ways with long term high profile players who may or may not have had drug problems and had frequent leg injuries
The Yankees: Jason Giambi, his drug of choice was steroids and HGH, though if you read his actual comments, he only apologized for being a distraction for issues in his personal life, never did he explicitly admit to drug use.
The Flyers: Parted ways with Dry Islanders Jeff Carter and Mike Richards who have been accused of everything from excessive drinking to using cocaine.
The Yankees: Jason Giambi, his drug of choice was steroids and HGH, though if you read his actual comments, he only apologized for being a distraction for issues in his personal life, never did he explicitly admit to drug use.
The Flyers: Parted ways with Dry Islanders Jeff Carter and Mike Richards who have been accused of everything from excessive drinking to using cocaine.
Giambi and Carter: Both are also known for knee/leg problems, Giambi battled knee problems during his last 3-4 years with the Yankees as well as a foot injury, Carter broke both feet and sprained his MCL in his last 2 years with the Flyers.
Both teams always operate over the Salary "cap" of their respective sport.
The Yankees: Pay a luxury tax
The Flyers: exploit LTIR loopholes.
Both Teams have rabid fanbases, New York and Philadelphia are tough cities to play in.
Both Teams have a GM who is essentially a life time member of the organization.
The Yankees: Brian Cashman started as an intern with the Yankees while he was in college. He stuck with the organization before becoming GM.
The Flyers: Paul Holmgren played for the Cup WInning bullies, he then became an Asst. GM and finally GM in 2006. (yes I know he coached in Hartford too)
Both teams have a player who has a narrative history of being clutch despite the fact that standard mathematical evidence proves a major flaw to their game.
The Yankees: Derek Jeter. Captain Clutch. Mr. November. Also good for ~150-170 strikeouts a season.
The Flyers: Danny Briere. Mr. Playoffs. Also good for 25-30 stupid stick fouls a season.
Both players have a controversial, injury prone superstar who's on the downturn of his career and has a contract with no end in sight.
The Yankees: Alex Rodriguez, 10 years, 275M signed in 2007. UGGH.
The Flyers: Chris Pronger, 4.921 Cap Hit until 2017...35+ clause attached.
Both Teams also have an unsung hero who went unappreciated for his hard work.
The Yankees: Brett Gardner, he doesn't put up power numbers, but his stolen bases and great defense helped the Yankees win.
The Flyers: Matt Carle, the best even strength defenseman in the NHL (his weakness is goal scoring and special teams)
Both teams are known for using UFA's and trades to build up rather than from within.
The Yankees: they buy talent. the sign the best available player all the time. even though the Yankees have a 1B, if the Yankees signed Albert Pujols no one would bat an eyelash.
The Flyers: They trade an insane amount of draft picks for other players (Meszaros, Timonen rights, Hartnell rights, Pronger, Bryzgalov's rights, all had picks in their trade). They sign FA's too: Lilja, Bryzgalov, Timonen, Hartnell, Simmonds, Voracek, Talbot, Matt Read, Blair Betts, Jody Shelley, Bobrovsky all signed as UFA or RFA.
But yet both teams have built superstars from within:
The Yankees: Cano, Jeter, Posada, Gardner, Hughes, Chamberlain, Rivera, Pettitte were all built from within the Yankees system and won in 2009
The Flyers: Giroux, JvR, Read (undrafted UFA puts him in both categories), Bartulis, Gus, Bob (undrafted UFA, see Read)
How about you, what do you think? Did I miss anything?
Both teams always operate over the Salary "cap" of their respective sport.
The Yankees: Pay a luxury tax
The Flyers: exploit LTIR loopholes.
Both Teams have rabid fanbases, New York and Philadelphia are tough cities to play in.
Both Teams have a GM who is essentially a life time member of the organization.
The Yankees: Brian Cashman started as an intern with the Yankees while he was in college. He stuck with the organization before becoming GM.
The Flyers: Paul Holmgren played for the Cup WInning bullies, he then became an Asst. GM and finally GM in 2006. (yes I know he coached in Hartford too)
Both teams have a player who has a narrative history of being clutch despite the fact that standard mathematical evidence proves a major flaw to their game.
The Yankees: Derek Jeter. Captain Clutch. Mr. November. Also good for ~150-170 strikeouts a season.
The Flyers: Danny Briere. Mr. Playoffs. Also good for 25-30 stupid stick fouls a season.
Both players have a controversial, injury prone superstar who's on the downturn of his career and has a contract with no end in sight.
The Yankees: Alex Rodriguez, 10 years, 275M signed in 2007. UGGH.
The Flyers: Chris Pronger, 4.921 Cap Hit until 2017...35+ clause attached.
Both Teams also have an unsung hero who went unappreciated for his hard work.
The Yankees: Brett Gardner, he doesn't put up power numbers, but his stolen bases and great defense helped the Yankees win.
The Flyers: Matt Carle, the best even strength defenseman in the NHL (his weakness is goal scoring and special teams)
Both teams are known for using UFA's and trades to build up rather than from within.
The Yankees: they buy talent. the sign the best available player all the time. even though the Yankees have a 1B, if the Yankees signed Albert Pujols no one would bat an eyelash.
The Flyers: They trade an insane amount of draft picks for other players (Meszaros, Timonen rights, Hartnell rights, Pronger, Bryzgalov's rights, all had picks in their trade). They sign FA's too: Lilja, Bryzgalov, Timonen, Hartnell, Simmonds, Voracek, Talbot, Matt Read, Blair Betts, Jody Shelley, Bobrovsky all signed as UFA or RFA.
But yet both teams have built superstars from within:
The Yankees: Cano, Jeter, Posada, Gardner, Hughes, Chamberlain, Rivera, Pettitte were all built from within the Yankees system and won in 2009
The Flyers: Giroux, JvR, Read (undrafted UFA puts him in both categories), Bartulis, Gus, Bob (undrafted UFA, see Read)
How about you, what do you think? Did I miss anything?
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Reasons Drew Doughty is Holding out
So, another day has come and gone and Drew Doughty has yet to sign a contract. Luckily, the DGS SuperSpies have actually been able to plant a bug inside the LA Kings GM's office to listen in on their negotiations with one Mr. Drew Doughty and Mr. Dean Lombardi. (Seriously, getting stuff from Philly to LA is super easy, even if one package got stuck in Tampa for a year.)
Anyway, after listening to the tapes of the negotiations, we've been able to get lists of Drew Doughty's demands with regards to his new contract.
Anyway, after listening to the tapes of the negotiations, we've been able to get lists of Drew Doughty's demands with regards to his new contract.
- Using Wade Redden's salary as a comparable, Drew would like to be paid in proportion to how much better than Wade Redden he is.
- Doughty seems to be complaining that head coach Terry Murray, who was hired after he was drafted, keeps labeling him a "Marc Crawford" guy.
- Drew Doughty wants a guarantee that the LA Kings actually sign a prominent UFA forward sometime.
- Mr. Doughty is waiting for an offer sheet to force a move, too bad they never get used.
- Using Charlie Sheen and Two and a Half Men for inspiration with regard to contract negotiations has him holding out and getting ready to party.
- Drew Doughty has vowed to not sign a contract until after Phoenix gets a permanent home.
- Doughty just wants to see what kind of whacked out rumors Eklund comes up with.
- He's using a tactic he calls the "2010 Evgeni Nabokov"
- There seem to be some voice mails from Paul Holmgren asking why Doughty thinks his RFA rights are owned by Philly. Holmgren keeps saying he signed him to an offer sheet but the league won't authorize it because 51>50. Holmgren says that he "doesn't quite get that math thing"
- Drew Doughty will only sign a contract when he gets his face on an ice cream bar.
- Actually attempted to sign an offer sheet from Glen Sather, only to find out that "gazillion trinagallion" doesn't actually exist.
- Has decided that he really wants to play for the Thrashers, but hasn't heard anything regarding their offer sheet.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
DGS Was Wrong. My public apology.
I was wrong. Paul Holmgren actually made a completely genius move that I have been criticizing since it happened. Not only that, but there are many others who agree with me, possibly due to my fervent usage of this criticism. Well, I'm here to make amends and apologize. The following is my public apology to Paul Holmgren.
Dear Mr. Paul Holmgren,
Can I call you Uncle Paulie again? I'm sorry for thinking you didn't know what you were doing with Pronger. But today, I was on CapGeek and I found somethings and I realized you have 1 of 3 ideas in mind to keep Pronger from being a cap nightmare. You ARE planning to do these 1 of these 3 things right? If you're not, do them anyway.
DGS
Pronger Solution 1:
Keep Chris Pronger on perma-LTIR like Mike Rathje was. This one is fairly simple, it's been done before.
Pronger Solution 2:
Trade Chris Pronger after the 2013-14 Season. Because in 14-15 Pronger's salary drops to 4M, followed by 2 years of 525K.
While the cap hit would be 4.921, a "salary floor" team may be in need of some extra cash like Florida was this year. A team could in fact "pay" Pronger the 5.5M for 3 years to have a defenseman who could play the #7 D-man role and tutor some younger D-man. Imagine if Nashville loses Shea Weber to UFA and Ryan Suter. Pronger could be traded to NSH for a 5th round pick he could tutor some young D-men who are on ELC's in order to keep them (or another team in the same situation) above the Salary Floor. Pronger could play 30-35 games a season as a PP specialist but really be more an extra coach in practice. His performance wouldn't be the important part (he just needs to do what he did in his few playoff appearances, be a PP specialist and log some third pair EV minutes in limited game duty)
Or, if the team just wants a cap hit, they could trade for Pronger and buy him out like NSH did to Brett Lebda this year. In a 35+ Buyout, the cap hit stays the same BUT instead, the team would payout 2/3 the salary. So, on July 1, 2014 Pronger is dealt and bought out, thereby counting for 4.921 to the salary floor while the team would only owe him about 3.5M during the buyout time frame.
There is a possible issue with this scenario though. If Pronger is bought out by his new team just for the sake of counting against the cap, the new team could face Cap Circumvention charges like the Kovalchuk contract. Because of this, the first scenario is more likely.
So, I'm sorry Paul Holmgren. This move might not be a bad one.
Dear Mr. Paul Holmgren,
Can I call you Uncle Paulie again? I'm sorry for thinking you didn't know what you were doing with Pronger. But today, I was on CapGeek and I found somethings and I realized you have 1 of 3 ideas in mind to keep Pronger from being a cap nightmare. You ARE planning to do these 1 of these 3 things right? If you're not, do them anyway.
DGS
Pronger Solution 1:
Keep Chris Pronger on perma-LTIR like Mike Rathje was. This one is fairly simple, it's been done before.
Pronger Solution 2:
Trade Chris Pronger after the 2013-14 Season. Because in 14-15 Pronger's salary drops to 4M, followed by 2 years of 525K.
While the cap hit would be 4.921, a "salary floor" team may be in need of some extra cash like Florida was this year. A team could in fact "pay" Pronger the 5.5M for 3 years to have a defenseman who could play the #7 D-man role and tutor some younger D-man. Imagine if Nashville loses Shea Weber to UFA and Ryan Suter. Pronger could be traded to NSH for a 5th round pick he could tutor some young D-men who are on ELC's in order to keep them (or another team in the same situation) above the Salary Floor. Pronger could play 30-35 games a season as a PP specialist but really be more an extra coach in practice. His performance wouldn't be the important part (he just needs to do what he did in his few playoff appearances, be a PP specialist and log some third pair EV minutes in limited game duty)
Or, if the team just wants a cap hit, they could trade for Pronger and buy him out like NSH did to Brett Lebda this year. In a 35+ Buyout, the cap hit stays the same BUT instead, the team would payout 2/3 the salary. So, on July 1, 2014 Pronger is dealt and bought out, thereby counting for 4.921 to the salary floor while the team would only owe him about 3.5M during the buyout time frame.
There is a possible issue with this scenario though. If Pronger is bought out by his new team just for the sake of counting against the cap, the new team could face Cap Circumvention charges like the Kovalchuk contract. Because of this, the first scenario is more likely.
So, I'm sorry Paul Holmgren. This move might not be a bad one.
Monday, August 15, 2011
NHL Oops Moments
You know that moment you have when you realize something wasn't what it seemed? Like when people mistake me for Danny Briere (happened twice now). It's happened quite a bit around the NHL recently and we have a list of those moments compiled here.
The Event- Martin St Louis wears the new Lightning jerseys to a promotional event at a Tampa area sports store.
The Reaction- A little kid yells out, "LOOK, MOMMY, A SMURF!!!!!!!" (This is followed by kids asking Marty to sign their Disney movies...and parents wondering who that paid actor is...)
The Event- Danny Briere walks into a local coffee shop in South Jersey
The Reaction-The barista instantly says, "Your usual, DGS?"
The Event- Jaromir Jagr and Max Talbot sign with the Flyers.
The Reaction-Chris Pronger laughs maniacally as he reveals he stole the Penguins contract offers and replaced them with a Flyers offer instead.
The Event- The Rangers sign a UFA player.
The Reaction- Glen Sather still doesn't know who keeps adding extra years "0s" to each contract.
The Event- Wade Redden waived and assigned to AHL Hartford.
The Reaction- The Whale apparently were under the impression that they were getting an NHL send down, not an ECHL call up.
The Event- The Bruins execute a line change during the playoffs.
The Reaction- Paul Holmgren counted out the men, there's too many...oh god... GAGNE!
The Event- Eklund reports a trade rumor as e5
The Reaction- Crickets
The Event- David Poile asks for "Brent" in a trade with the Maple Leafs
The Reaction- Brian Burke hand writes the trade fax with "Brett" in it and makes sure to send Lebda to the Predators.
(Note: We have no proof about this, but it's the only logical explanation as to why anyone would ever trade FOR Brett Lebda)
The Event- A Sedin asks a linesman about a call during a stoppage prompting the linesman to say, "Well, Dan..."
The Reaction- "uhh...I'm Henrik"
The Event- Garth Snow jokingly says he intends to reacquire Roloson because of his playoffs successes.
The Reaction- In a "Milbury Moment" Snow acquires Brian Rolston instead.
The Event- Martin St Louis wears the new Lightning jerseys to a promotional event at a Tampa area sports store.
The Reaction- A little kid yells out, "LOOK, MOMMY, A SMURF!!!!!!!" (This is followed by kids asking Marty to sign their Disney movies...and parents wondering who that paid actor is...)
The Event- Danny Briere walks into a local coffee shop in South Jersey
The Reaction-The barista instantly says, "Your usual, DGS?"
The Event- Jaromir Jagr and Max Talbot sign with the Flyers.
The Reaction-Chris Pronger laughs maniacally as he reveals he stole the Penguins contract offers and replaced them with a Flyers offer instead.
The Event- The Rangers sign a UFA player.
The Reaction- Glen Sather still doesn't know who keeps adding extra years "0s" to each contract.
The Event- Wade Redden waived and assigned to AHL Hartford.
The Reaction- The Whale apparently were under the impression that they were getting an NHL send down, not an ECHL call up.
The Event- The Bruins execute a line change during the playoffs.
The Reaction- Paul Holmgren counted out the men, there's too many...oh god... GAGNE!
The Event- Eklund reports a trade rumor as e5
The Reaction- Crickets
The Event- David Poile asks for "Brent" in a trade with the Maple Leafs
The Reaction- Brian Burke hand writes the trade fax with "Brett" in it and makes sure to send Lebda to the Predators.
(Note: We have no proof about this, but it's the only logical explanation as to why anyone would ever trade FOR Brett Lebda)
The Event- A Sedin asks a linesman about a call during a stoppage prompting the linesman to say, "Well, Dan..."
The Reaction- "uhh...I'm Henrik"
The Event- Garth Snow jokingly says he intends to reacquire Roloson because of his playoffs successes.
The Reaction- In a "Milbury Moment" Snow acquires Brian Rolston instead.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Flyers Tweets (stick tap DTV)
So, Don't Trade Vinny did a piece on Lightning First Tweets
This got me thinking, what if some Flyers got twitter, what would they say...
@JagrBomb68: "Totally won the Jagr sweepstakes pool in Vegas. Made millions."
@FallingScott: "Fell flat on my back when I created this thing, but I'll keep trying"
@CaptElbows: "hey panotch...GUESS WHO #Winning"
@Kimmo44: "Drinking my secret Viking Warrior potion. SUOMI TIME!"
@BlairBetts: "OMG SOMEONE BOUGHT MY T-SHIRT!"
@Coburn5: "My nose is just a nose, I swear, it doesn't have superpowers"
@LatvianWolf: "HOWL! I'm pressbox wolf!"
@MeatTrainPHI: "I AM NOT JEFF CARTER!"
@LaviCakes: "Taking a 30 second tweet break to construct the best tweet ever"
@UnclePaulie: "First 25 attempts at this all failed, whats 140 limit? why is there math? I got told, there would be no math"
This got me thinking, what if some Flyers got twitter, what would they say...
@JagrBomb68: "Totally won the Jagr sweepstakes pool in Vegas. Made millions."
@FallingScott: "Fell flat on my back when I created this thing, but I'll keep trying"
@CaptElbows: "hey panotch...GUESS WHO #Winning"
@Kimmo44: "Drinking my secret Viking Warrior potion. SUOMI TIME!"
@BlairBetts: "OMG SOMEONE BOUGHT MY T-SHIRT!"
@Coburn5: "My nose is just a nose, I swear, it doesn't have superpowers"
@LatvianWolf: "HOWL! I'm pressbox wolf!"
@MeatTrainPHI: "I AM NOT JEFF CARTER!"
@LaviCakes: "Taking a 30 second tweet break to construct the best tweet ever"
@UnclePaulie: "First 25 attempts at this all failed, whats 140 limit? why is there math? I got told, there would be no math"
Friday, July 22, 2011
NHL Stars Tips To Beating The Heat
Yesterday, it was 103 degrees in my hometown. That's effin hot. Luckily I stayed cool because of a great AC and these tips for staying cool that were submitted to me by the amazing DGS Super Spies. Sadly, unlike the Miami Heat, this head wave doesn't disappear after 3. Luckily, here's how some NHL-ers are beating the heat.
Jonathan Toews: Walked outside wearing a winter coat, gloves, ski cap, and boots, stared at the air around him until it froze to an icy -62 Fahrenheit.
Ilya Bryzgalov: Gave the following quote, "Why you heff to be mad? Just use $51M to buy big air conditioner."
Dan Ellis: Commented that, "it takes more talent to survive in 100+ degree heat than it does to be a brain surgeon"
The Atlanta Thrashers: Packed up and moved to Winnipeg, and were never seen again.
Taylor Hall: Called Tyler Seguin and said, "that Cup doesn't keep you cool like Edmonton does."
Dany Heatley: Demanded a trade to Edmonton, Calgary or a demotion to ECHL Alaska.
Glen Sather: Signed the thermometer to a 12 year 78M contract because, "there's no way mercury gets cold in NYC winters."...he doesn't realize that a "No Movement Clause" doesn't mean the mercury will stay hot...L-O-L Rangers...L-O-L
Matt Cooke: Elbowed himself in the head, so he could sleep through the heat.
Paul Holmgren: Didn't get out of the heat because he didn't realize that 103 is higher than 75. He started suffering from heatstroke, the first symptom, he said, "Today, I will use math while making decisions."
Rick DiPietro: Ended up on LTIR after a bead of sweat fell off his head and onto his leg causing his ACL to tear.
Sean Couturier: Thanked his lucky stars that the 50-contract limit keeps him in the QMJHL.
Jonathan Toews: Walked outside wearing a winter coat, gloves, ski cap, and boots, stared at the air around him until it froze to an icy -62 Fahrenheit.
Ilya Bryzgalov: Gave the following quote, "Why you heff to be mad? Just use $51M to buy big air conditioner."
Dan Ellis: Commented that, "it takes more talent to survive in 100+ degree heat than it does to be a brain surgeon"
The Atlanta Thrashers: Packed up and moved to Winnipeg, and were never seen again.
Taylor Hall: Called Tyler Seguin and said, "that Cup doesn't keep you cool like Edmonton does."
Dany Heatley: Demanded a trade to Edmonton, Calgary or a demotion to ECHL Alaska.
Glen Sather: Signed the thermometer to a 12 year 78M contract because, "there's no way mercury gets cold in NYC winters."...he doesn't realize that a "No Movement Clause" doesn't mean the mercury will stay hot...L-O-L Rangers...L-O-L
Matt Cooke: Elbowed himself in the head, so he could sleep through the heat.
Paul Holmgren: Didn't get out of the heat because he didn't realize that 103 is higher than 75. He started suffering from heatstroke, the first symptom, he said, "Today, I will use math while making decisions."
Rick DiPietro: Ended up on LTIR after a bead of sweat fell off his head and onto his leg causing his ACL to tear.
Sean Couturier: Thanked his lucky stars that the 50-contract limit keeps him in the QMJHL.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
NHL Baby Toys
I was talking to one of the 3 intelligent Caps fans on the planet, DCcheapSeats. She told me a story of how she took her niece to a Caps practice today and got her to say "hockey!" (and like most Caps fans, her niece pointed, said hockey and had absolutely no clue as to what she was talking about.)
Luckily, she'll be properly educated by the following list of NHL Baby Toys.
The Product- Baby's First Cooke
Why Your Child Needs It- Baby's first Cooke is asafe concussion inducing product that will teach your newborn how to properly throw elbows to the head behind the net and get away with it.
But Be Warned- No one will ever want to play with baby out of fear the Baby's First Cooke will try to kill it.
The Product- Tickle Me Pronger
Why Your Child Needs It- Tickle Me Pronger is a great way for your child to have fun. Depending how you tickle it Pronger will deliver different snarky retorts.
But Be Warned- It also has a tendency to elbow your child in the head, and recent models break easily and due to the "35+ Warranty" even if it breaks, you still are obligated to pay for it for the next 5 years if you give it back. However there is a loophole in the buyer's agreement, keeping it at home with the intent to fix it, will allow you to collect a reimbursement check equal to what you paid for it in order to guarantee you can buy another toy.
The Product- Uncle Paulie's Calculator
Why Your Child Needs It- Want your baby to learn math? Uncle Paulie's Calculator is a great tool for teaching your child basic mathematics.
But Be Warned- It's success rate is kind of terrible as Uncle Paulie was told "there would be no math"
The Product- The Hartnell Scooter
Why Your Child Needs It- The Hartnell Scooter is the perfect is the perfect little scooter for your young child to zip around the neighbor in.
But Be Warned- This scooter isn't very stable and tends to make your child fall over, a lot.
The Product- The Phila-Battery
Why Your Child Needs It- This battery is specially designed to be aerodynamic but light enough for your baby to throw. It will teach your child the lovely art of battery throwing in the Philly tradition.
But Be Warned-We're not saying you're a bad parent, but next time you tell your child something he/she doesn't like, we're not responsible for any blunt force trauma to your body if they turn it on you. We're also not responsible for damaged property or injuries incurred from damaged property when using this product
The Product- Luongo's First Goalie Pads for baby
Why Your Child Needs It- If you want your child to be a goalie, Luongo's First Goalie pads are designed specfiically for babies.
But Be Warned- Presents a huge choking hazard.
The Product- Easy Bake Emery
Why Your Child Needs It-Easy Bake Emery is the perfect way for your cranky child to relax, we're not quite sure what's in it, but it sure calms people down and makes them hungry.
But Be Warned- It's illegal in the USA.
Luckily, she'll be properly educated by the following list of NHL Baby Toys.
The Product- Baby's First Cooke
Why Your Child Needs It- Baby's first Cooke is a
But Be Warned- No one will ever want to play with baby out of fear the Baby's First Cooke will try to kill it.
The Product- Tickle Me Pronger
Why Your Child Needs It- Tickle Me Pronger is a great way for your child to have fun. Depending how you tickle it Pronger will deliver different snarky retorts.
But Be Warned- It also has a tendency to elbow your child in the head, and recent models break easily and due to the "35+ Warranty" even if it breaks, you still are obligated to pay for it for the next 5 years if you give it back. However there is a loophole in the buyer's agreement, keeping it at home with the intent to fix it, will allow you to collect a reimbursement check equal to what you paid for it in order to guarantee you can buy another toy.
The Product- Uncle Paulie's Calculator
Why Your Child Needs It- Want your baby to learn math? Uncle Paulie's Calculator is a great tool for teaching your child basic mathematics.
But Be Warned- It's success rate is kind of terrible as Uncle Paulie was told "there would be no math"
The Product- The Hartnell Scooter
Why Your Child Needs It- The Hartnell Scooter is the perfect is the perfect little scooter for your young child to zip around the neighbor in.
But Be Warned- This scooter isn't very stable and tends to make your child fall over, a lot.
The Product- The Phila-Battery
Why Your Child Needs It- This battery is specially designed to be aerodynamic but light enough for your baby to throw. It will teach your child the lovely art of battery throwing in the Philly tradition.
But Be Warned-We're not saying you're a bad parent, but next time you tell your child something he/she doesn't like, we're not responsible for any blunt force trauma to your body if they turn it on you. We're also not responsible for damaged property or injuries incurred from damaged property when using this product
The Product- Luongo's First Goalie Pads for baby
Why Your Child Needs It- If you want your child to be a goalie, Luongo's First Goalie pads are designed specfiically for babies.
But Be Warned- Presents a huge choking hazard.
The Product- Easy Bake Emery
Why Your Child Needs It-Easy Bake Emery is the perfect way for your cranky child to relax, we're not quite sure what's in it, but it sure calms people down and makes them hungry.
But Be Warned- It's illegal in the USA.
The Product- Well-done Wellwood Oven
Why Your Child Needs It- Does your child seem to enjoy cooking? If so, the Well-Done Wellwood Oven is the perfect toy to teach your child how to cook. Why, just using the basic ingredients (sold separately) you can create snacks in under 20 minutes.
But Be Warned- It's the leading cause of childhood obesity in the world due to the fact that it's not an oven, but a deep fryer.
The Product- Gillis Mystery Detective
Why Your Child Needs It-There's a conspiracy against the Canucks, help Mike Gillis solve it by playing this video game and beating up such villains as Captain Serious and his evil sidekick girlfriend, Chelsea Dagger.
But Be Warned- The Murdersaurus is still an unbeatable enemy as for some reason, your party of HAMhuis, Bieksa and Raffi-Runner just refuse to fight it.
The Product- Hide and Seek with Chris Neil
Why Your Child Needs It-What child doesn't want to play hide and seek?
But Be Warned- It's impossible to find Chris Neil unless you're alone and defenseless. Seriously, I had Colton Orr with me the other day and Chris Neil was just impossible to find....
The Product- The Caps-Wagon
Why Your Child Needs It-This little red wagon is perfect for pulling your baby around the neighborhood.
But Be Warned- It's made in Russia and breaks every April.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Steven Stamkos to The Flyers- Bad Idea
Steven Stamkos to the Flyers? Bad idea.
To elaborate, here's why:
(All Numbers from @CapGeek)
If the Flyers were to sign Stamkos at say, 7.1M per season for 15 years, and fork over their next 4 First Round picks, this is what the Flyers would be looking at:
Forwards:
Hartnell 4.2 NTC, Briere 6.5 NMC, Stamkos 7.1
JvR 1.654, Giroux 3.75, Schenn 3.1
Versteeg 3.083, Betts 700K, Nodl 850K
Read 900K, Shelley 1.1M
Total Cap Hit: 29.904M
Defense:
Pronger 4.921 35+, Timonen 6.3 NMC
Meszaros 4, Coburn 3.2
Carle 3.4375, Bartulis 600K
Total Cap Hit: 22.4585
Goalies
Bryzgalov: 5.666
Bobrovsky: 1.75
Total Cal Hit: 7.416
Team Total: 29.904+22.4856+7.416= 59.806M committed salary
LTIR: Ian Lapperiere
Waive to AHL: Matt Walker, Michael Leighton
So it looks good, right? Stamkos is a Flyer and there's 4.4944, but wait...this isn't a full roster. For the sake of ease of math, I'll round up the cap number to 4.5M free.
4.5 Million and the following needs:
a Number 6 Defenseman on the UFA market, a UFA 13th Forward and 2 RFA's that need to be signed, Simmonds and Voracek. Well, by value of production the RFA offers to Simmonds and Voracek should be 1.75 for Simmonds and 2.5 for Voracek so, that totals 4.25 for the 2 RFA's meaning there's 250K for a 13th forward and a 6th Defenseman.
Well, obviously Sestito makes Jody Shelley expendable, so waive Jody Shelley, that means the Flyers now have 1.35 free in cap money, call up Eric Wellwood at 580K as the replacement for Jody Shelley and the Flyers have 770K free for 2 roster spots, a 6th Defenseman and a 12th Forward.
Ok, so, maybe Brayden Schenn starts the season in the AHL, freeing up 3.1M in cap room, but then Ville Leino is resigned at 2.67 to replace him so, when the 3.1 of Schenn is added to the 770K and then the 2.67 for Leino is factored in; the Flyers have 1.2M in Cap Space and 2 roster spots open, a 6th D-man and a 13th Forward who both come in at the league minimum.
Call up Zac Rinaldo as the 13th forward and the Flyers have 655K in capspace and 1 Defenseman that needs to be filled.
655K, one defenseman is easy to find, but then...the Flyers have ZERO space for anyone to get hurt. If any player, misses a game due to injury, the Flyers have no space to make an injury callup as LTIR doesn't kick in unless a player misses 10 games or 24 days.
Ok, but Matt, there's solutions like these:
Trade Versteeg's 3,083M for a 1.5M D-man: Problem, the Flyers shopped Versteeg, there were no takers...this doesn't work
Trade Carle for a 1.5M D-man and a mid round pick to balance the lack of value coming back: Problem- Carle may be average without Pronger, but if the Flyers deal any defenseman not named Pronger or Timonen, the blueline becomes hugely weakened.
Trade Timonen/Briere: I would LOVE to trade these players, they're horribly overpaid, but both have FULL NMC's, the team can ask them to waive it, but here's how that would go:
Holmgren: Hey, can you waive your NMC?
Timonen/Briere: Or what?
Holmgren: We will waive you
Timonen/Briere: You can't, it's an NMC not NTC.
Holmgren: We will buy you out.
Timonen/Briere: You can't, it's an NMC.
Holmgren: Oh, uhh, I guess you have me in a corner here.
Timonen/Briere: DUH!
Get the picture?
Trade Hartnell for a 2.5M D-man: This could work, Harntell has agreed to waive his NTC, if the Flyers can find the right deal, it could work. All they need is a trade partner that needs to hit the salary floor and can give a decent D-man back the other way. If Colorado would deal Erik Johnson for Hartnell and Carle, it could work nicely, but this deal has a less than 10% chance of happening.
Waive Hartnell: Actually, this one works...if you're willing to lose Hartnell for free...or risk him at half price on Recall Waivers
If you're trading Giroux/JvR to make the cap-space, well your hurting the team in the long run and I refuse to crunch any numbers on that idea.
Anyway, see my point, Steven Stamkos isn't worth this headache for the Flyers, unless he's guaranteed to keep the whole team healthy AND score 60 goals.
Or the Flyers can just trade Bryzgalov to Colorado for Erik Johnson and free up 3.06M, resign Brian Boucher to backup Bobrovsky...I'd say this would never happen, but Holmgren dealt Jeff Carter before his 11 year extension kicked in....
And for Stephen:
Stamkos would be a good fit on the Colorado Avalanche. They have the Cap Space. This wouldn't be a problem.
To elaborate, here's why:
(All Numbers from @CapGeek)
If the Flyers were to sign Stamkos at say, 7.1M per season for 15 years, and fork over their next 4 First Round picks, this is what the Flyers would be looking at:
Forwards:
Hartnell 4.2 NTC, Briere 6.5 NMC, Stamkos 7.1
JvR 1.654, Giroux 3.75, Schenn 3.1
Versteeg 3.083, Betts 700K, Nodl 850K
Read 900K, Shelley 1.1M
Total Cap Hit: 29.904M
Defense:
Pronger 4.921 35+, Timonen 6.3 NMC
Meszaros 4, Coburn 3.2
Carle 3.4375, Bartulis 600K
Total Cap Hit: 22.4585
Goalies
Bryzgalov: 5.666
Bobrovsky: 1.75
Total Cal Hit: 7.416
Team Total: 29.904+22.4856+7.416= 59.806M committed salary
LTIR: Ian Lapperiere
Waive to AHL: Matt Walker, Michael Leighton
So it looks good, right? Stamkos is a Flyer and there's 4.4944, but wait...this isn't a full roster. For the sake of ease of math, I'll round up the cap number to 4.5M free.
4.5 Million and the following needs:
a Number 6 Defenseman on the UFA market, a UFA 13th Forward and 2 RFA's that need to be signed, Simmonds and Voracek. Well, by value of production the RFA offers to Simmonds and Voracek should be 1.75 for Simmonds and 2.5 for Voracek so, that totals 4.25 for the 2 RFA's meaning there's 250K for a 13th forward and a 6th Defenseman.
Well, obviously Sestito makes Jody Shelley expendable, so waive Jody Shelley, that means the Flyers now have 1.35 free in cap money, call up Eric Wellwood at 580K as the replacement for Jody Shelley and the Flyers have 770K free for 2 roster spots, a 6th Defenseman and a 12th Forward.
Ok, so, maybe Brayden Schenn starts the season in the AHL, freeing up 3.1M in cap room, but then Ville Leino is resigned at 2.67 to replace him so, when the 3.1 of Schenn is added to the 770K and then the 2.67 for Leino is factored in; the Flyers have 1.2M in Cap Space and 2 roster spots open, a 6th D-man and a 13th Forward who both come in at the league minimum.
Call up Zac Rinaldo as the 13th forward and the Flyers have 655K in capspace and 1 Defenseman that needs to be filled.
655K, one defenseman is easy to find, but then...the Flyers have ZERO space for anyone to get hurt. If any player, misses a game due to injury, the Flyers have no space to make an injury callup as LTIR doesn't kick in unless a player misses 10 games or 24 days.
Ok, but Matt, there's solutions like these:
Trade Versteeg's 3,083M for a 1.5M D-man: Problem, the Flyers shopped Versteeg, there were no takers...this doesn't work
Trade Carle for a 1.5M D-man and a mid round pick to balance the lack of value coming back: Problem- Carle may be average without Pronger, but if the Flyers deal any defenseman not named Pronger or Timonen, the blueline becomes hugely weakened.
Trade Timonen/Briere: I would LOVE to trade these players, they're horribly overpaid, but both have FULL NMC's, the team can ask them to waive it, but here's how that would go:
Holmgren: Hey, can you waive your NMC?
Timonen/Briere: Or what?
Holmgren: We will waive you
Timonen/Briere: You can't, it's an NMC not NTC.
Holmgren: We will buy you out.
Timonen/Briere: You can't, it's an NMC.
Holmgren: Oh, uhh, I guess you have me in a corner here.
Timonen/Briere: DUH!
Get the picture?
Trade Hartnell for a 2.5M D-man: This could work, Harntell has agreed to waive his NTC, if the Flyers can find the right deal, it could work. All they need is a trade partner that needs to hit the salary floor and can give a decent D-man back the other way. If Colorado would deal Erik Johnson for Hartnell and Carle, it could work nicely, but this deal has a less than 10% chance of happening.
Waive Hartnell: Actually, this one works...if you're willing to lose Hartnell for free...or risk him at half price on Recall Waivers
If you're trading Giroux/JvR to make the cap-space, well your hurting the team in the long run and I refuse to crunch any numbers on that idea.
Anyway, see my point, Steven Stamkos isn't worth this headache for the Flyers, unless he's guaranteed to keep the whole team healthy AND score 60 goals.
Or the Flyers can just trade Bryzgalov to Colorado for Erik Johnson and free up 3.06M, resign Brian Boucher to backup Bobrovsky...I'd say this would never happen, but Holmgren dealt Jeff Carter before his 11 year extension kicked in....
And for Stephen:
Stamkos would be a good fit on the Colorado Avalanche. They have the Cap Space. This wouldn't be a problem.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
DGS Guide to NHL Free Agency
Another beginning to Free Agency is upon us, with that, there's a lot of information out there but luckily, and it seems that somethings happen out of nowhere. But in fact, that's not true, there's actually a strict code that GMs mostly adhere to. Here it is.
The 10 Commandments of NHL Free Agency:
1. I am the GM of the Rangers, no one will overpay like me.
2. Thou shalt not circumvent the Salary Cap in vain
3. Remember to keep holy July 1.
4. Honor thy Owner and thy Sponsors (like Paul Holmgren)
5. Thou shalt not trade recently signed long term contracts. (Sorry Homer)
6. Thou shalt not commit tampering. (But seriously, how else are complex long term deals announced exactly at 12 noon?)
7. Thou shalt try to steal bargain players at bigger bargains.
8. Thou shalt not bear false offer sheets to RFA's for the intent of screwing over another team's cap situation.
9. Thou shalt not covet thy rival's goalie
10. Thou shalt not covet thy rival's cap-space
The 10 Commandments of NHL Free Agency:
1. I am the GM of the Rangers, no one will overpay like me.
2. Thou shalt not circumvent the Salary Cap in vain
3. Remember to keep holy July 1.
4. Honor thy Owner and thy Sponsors (like Paul Holmgren)
5. Thou shalt not trade recently signed long term contracts. (Sorry Homer)
6. Thou shalt not commit tampering. (But seriously, how else are complex long term deals announced exactly at 12 noon?)
7. Thou shalt try to steal bargain players at bigger bargains.
8. Thou shalt not bear false offer sheets to RFA's for the intent of screwing over another team's cap situation.
9. Thou shalt not covet thy rival's goalie
10. Thou shalt not covet thy rival's cap-space
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Summer Employment Opportunities
Tonight, the NHL season ends, there will be no more hockey until September when the preseason starts. Now, as we learned from Dan Ellis, ESCROW hurts NHL players. To make up for it, several NHL players have taken offseason jobs to help them make back their lost money.
Danny Briere: The Flyers Magical Spearing Midget has acquired a job making public appearances as the doppelganger for the head writer and creator of a little known NHL Comedy Site known as Down Goes Spezza. After that, Briere's pulling double duty and playing in a Beatles cover band.
Tim Thomas: Will be replacing Drew Carey on "The Price is Right" for a few episodes over the summer, no one will ever notice.
Mark Recchi: Will finally open an office to practice medicine, he's a doctor you know...and Dan Ellis will tell us, it is just as hard to be a hockey player as it is a doctor. This is why Recchi's an offseason doctor only.
Joel Lundqvist: Henrik's twin will actually represent his brother at all team events in the summer so Henrik can work on being a goaltender.
Paul Holmgren: So, it's not really a job, but Homer is gonna be attending summer school to learn how to do basic math. Addition of numbers and the concept of "greater than and less than" are in school.
Peter Laviolette: Will be delivering 30 second motivational speeches to anyone who needs them.
Brian Boucher: Will be professionally unemployed come July 1 and probably forever.
Maxim LaPierre, Alex Burrows, Daniel Carcillo: Will all move to the world of swimming as they are professional divers.
 |
| By the transitive property, if I look like Briere and Briere looks like Paul then I must look like Paul. |
Danny Briere: The Flyers Magical Spearing Midget has acquired a job making public appearances as the doppelganger for the head writer and creator of a little known NHL Comedy Site known as Down Goes Spezza. After that, Briere's pulling double duty and playing in a Beatles cover band.
 |
| I think Timmy needs to drop weight for this job |
Tim Thomas: Will be replacing Drew Carey on "The Price is Right" for a few episodes over the summer, no one will ever notice.
Mark Recchi: Will finally open an office to practice medicine, he's a doctor you know...and Dan Ellis will tell us, it is just as hard to be a hockey player as it is a doctor. This is why Recchi's an offseason doctor only.
Joel Lundqvist: Henrik's twin will actually represent his brother at all team events in the summer so Henrik can work on being a goaltender.
Paul Holmgren: So, it's not really a job, but Homer is gonna be attending summer school to learn how to do basic math. Addition of numbers and the concept of "greater than and less than" are in school.
Peter Laviolette: Will be delivering 30 second motivational speeches to anyone who needs them.
Brian Boucher: Will be professionally unemployed come July 1 and probably forever.
Maxim LaPierre, Alex Burrows, Daniel Carcillo: Will all move to the world of swimming as they are professional divers.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Other Things NHL Players Have Forgotten
So, earlier this weekend Flyers Captain Michael Richards tweeted about forgetting to pay his cable bill
Well, honestly Mr. Richards isn't the only person in the NHL to forget something, as a matter of fact, many NHL players and personalities have been known to forget things, and here at DGS, we have the list.
Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten how to do basic math and has given the Flyers cap problems for at least the next 5 years.
Dan Ellis: Has claimed that he "forgot" to pay his ESCROW.
Nick Lidstrom: Is so old that he has in fact, forgotten to retire.
Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten the rules of the CBA pertaining to 35+ contracts and gave Pronger 7 years and a cap hit of 4.921.
The Toronto Maple Leafs: Have forgotten what the playoffs are.
Joe Thornton: Has apparently forgotten that he is playing in the playoffs right now.
Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten, like his predecessor, what "goaltending" is.
Kyle Wellwood: Forgets to stick to his diet.
Evgeni Nabokov: Forgot that the Islanders do NOT yet have a new arena and ended up lost on Long Island because he absolutely thought that there was no way an NHL team would ever play in the Nassau Coliseum.
Michael Leighton: Has forgotten how to close his 5-hole.
Paul Holmgren: Forgot that Michael Leighton doesn't know how to close his 5 hole and therefore gave him a 1.55 cap hit.
Chris Pronger: Would like to forget this year from hell.
Scott Hartnell and Kris Versteeg: Have both forgotten how to skate which led to the fun of Hartnell Down and Versteeg Down counts.
Jonathan Toews: Has forgotten how to blink, show emotion, and display normal.
The Boston Bruins: Have forgotten that it's perfectly OK to score when you're up a man.
Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten what a draft pick is due to the fact that the Flyers haven't had one in forever.
Roberto Luongo, and many of the Vancouver Canucks: Have forgotten the difference between a diving pool and an ice rink.
Matt Cooke: Will most likely soon forget the lesson he learned from his 17 game suspension for a headshot and will end up elbowing Gregory Campbell in the head early next season.
Gary Bettman: Has obviously forgotten that he doesn't work for the NBA anymore.
Patrick Kane: Has forgotten what it's like to be sober
The Flyers Entire Defensive Corps: Randomly forgets how to play defense leaving Brian Boucher alone against Zdeno Chara slap shots.
Daniel Carcillo: Forgot that some things, like questions involving sexual turn ons, are probably better left to realm of a "DM" on Twitter.
Ilya Bryzgalov: Forgot that the playoffs actually count.
 |
| Oh Richie, were you also expecting a phone call informing you that the 2nd round of the playoffs had started as well? |
Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten how to do basic math and has given the Flyers cap problems for at least the next 5 years.
Dan Ellis: Has claimed that he "forgot" to pay his ESCROW.
Nick Lidstrom: Is so old that he has in fact, forgotten to retire.
Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten the rules of the CBA pertaining to 35+ contracts and gave Pronger 7 years and a cap hit of 4.921.
The Toronto Maple Leafs: Have forgotten what the playoffs are.
Joe Thornton: Has apparently forgotten that he is playing in the playoffs right now.
Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten, like his predecessor, what "goaltending" is.
Kyle Wellwood: Forgets to stick to his diet.
Evgeni Nabokov: Forgot that the Islanders do NOT yet have a new arena and ended up lost on Long Island because he absolutely thought that there was no way an NHL team would ever play in the Nassau Coliseum.
Michael Leighton: Has forgotten how to close his 5-hole.
Paul Holmgren: Forgot that Michael Leighton doesn't know how to close his 5 hole and therefore gave him a 1.55 cap hit.
Chris Pronger: Would like to forget this year from hell.
Scott Hartnell and Kris Versteeg: Have both forgotten how to skate which led to the fun of Hartnell Down and Versteeg Down counts.
Jonathan Toews: Has forgotten how to blink, show emotion, and display normal.
The Boston Bruins: Have forgotten that it's perfectly OK to score when you're up a man.
Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten what a draft pick is due to the fact that the Flyers haven't had one in forever.
Roberto Luongo, and many of the Vancouver Canucks: Have forgotten the difference between a diving pool and an ice rink.
Matt Cooke: Will most likely soon forget the lesson he learned from his 17 game suspension for a headshot and will end up elbowing Gregory Campbell in the head early next season.
Gary Bettman: Has obviously forgotten that he doesn't work for the NBA anymore.
Patrick Kane: Has forgotten what it's like to be sober
The Flyers Entire Defensive Corps: Randomly forgets how to play defense leaving Brian Boucher alone against Zdeno Chara slap shots.
Daniel Carcillo: Forgot that some things, like questions involving sexual turn ons, are probably better left to realm of a "DM" on Twitter.
Ilya Bryzgalov: Forgot that the playoffs actually count.
Friday, April 29, 2011
The Flyers Dictionary Translated
Many people were annoyed by the Chris Pronger injury situation. The Flyers kept announcing him as day-to-day (possibly with hurt feelings) and people didn't really understand why Chris Pronger missed so much time. Now, see the Paul Holmgren and the Flyers speak their own version of the English language. Luckily, the DGS-SuperSpies found the code to deciphering it. For your benefit as a Flyers fan, we're including some key terms here with their "Normal English" meanings
When the Flyers Organization Says: A player is day to day with a wrist injury
They Actually Intend to Say: OH DEAR GOD! His arm..blown away...it's gonna be amputated
When the Flyers Organization Says: We like that he (Zherdev) tried to give some effort.
They Actually Intend to Say: Nikolay Zherdev is still a useless piece of crap.
When the Flyers Organization Says: Our goaltending is good enough to win.
They Actually Intend to Say: Our goaltending is good enough to win, provided we don't screw up anywhere else because the goalies aren't bailing us out of anything.
When the Flyers Organization Says: Andreas Nodl is day to day with an upper body injury.
They Actually Intend to Say: He's missing half his face, he looks like some sort of Batman villain right now.
When the Flyers Organization Says: You just never know. You just need to keep your options open and keep a dialogue going with other teams, and you never know what can come up.
They Actually Intend to Say: DAMMIT! If a real true #1 goalie hit waivers, we are SO claiming him.
When the Flyers Organization Says: Typically you need your specialty teams to be effective in order to move on.
They Actually Intend to Say: But then team's like the Boston Bruins got out of the first round.
When the Flyers Organization Says: A player is day to day with a wrist injury
They Actually Intend to Say: OH DEAR GOD! His arm..blown away...it's gonna be amputated
When the Flyers Organization Says: We like that he (Zherdev) tried to give some effort.
They Actually Intend to Say: Nikolay Zherdev is still a useless piece of crap.
When the Flyers Organization Says: Our goaltending is good enough to win.
They Actually Intend to Say: Our goaltending is good enough to win, provided we don't screw up anywhere else because the goalies aren't bailing us out of anything.
When the Flyers Organization Says: Andreas Nodl is day to day with an upper body injury.
They Actually Intend to Say: He's missing half his face, he looks like some sort of Batman villain right now.
When the Flyers Organization Says: We haven't named a starting goalie.
They Actually Intend to Say: We don't have a starting goalie.
When the Flyers Organization Says: You just never know. You just need to keep your options open and keep a dialogue going with other teams, and you never know what can come up.
They Actually Intend to Say: DAMMIT! If a real true #1 goalie hit waivers, we are SO claiming him.
When the Flyers Organization Says: Typically you need your specialty teams to be effective in order to move on.
They Actually Intend to Say: But then team's like the Boston Bruins got out of the first round.
When the Flyers Organization Says: We're testing for a possible concussion.
They Actually Intend to Say: Matt Cooke decapitated our player, what else is new?
When the Flyers Organization Says: The injury update is pending further tests.
They Actually Intend to Say: Look he's dead, OK, stop asking. Funeral arrangements will come out tomorrow.
When the Flyers Organization Says: He's day to day.
They Actually Intend to Say: He's touch and go on life support in the ICU. No one's allowed to visit
When the Flyers Organization Says: We're always looking to improve the team.
They Actually Intend to Say: We're gonna add scorers and defense, but never a goalie.
When the Flyers Organization Says: We're looking forward to the draft.
They Actually Intend to Say: It's a great day for golf because we have no picks.
When the Flyers Organization Says: Michael Leighton is available to us.
They Actually Intend to Say: He's lost his god damn mind and he's in the facility, but in a padded room.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Boosh's Secret Diary
(Editor's Note: Under the direction of PhillyGirl the DGS-SuperSpies managed to grab a hold of Brian Boucher's diary during the recent road trip...airport security just ain't that good)
January 3, 2011
Dear Diary –
Happy New Year! Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 34 years old – can you believe it? Seems like just yesterday I was carrying the Flyers in the 2000 playoffs and stabbing Bill Barber in the back after we had an epic collapse.
Lavvy gave me the start for my birthday against Detroit. Last time we won in Detroit, I was 14 years old. Amazing. So did we break that streak yesterday? You bet we did. Detroit was all over us in the first, but I held my ground and the team actually felt like scoring me some goals. I’ve got to find a way to keep this hot streak going because I think I nabbed the starting role from the Russian kid, finally. Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to be “mentor” to this kid? He doesn’t understand a word I say. He just says “Bob.”
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| Steals my dance moves too! |
Speaking of nabbing the role – this whole three goalies thing was not working out. There’s not enough room at practice – the media is freaking out over Bob and his lost confidence and Leights is crying in the corner at practice because he can’t have a net. How am I supposed to concentrate? The good news is I think my chances of staying the number one are pretty good since Bob can’t stop a beach ball lately and Homer just gave Leights a one-way ticket to Adirondack (don't cry Leights, I hear the weather there is beautiful this time of year). Plus, I made it in and out of Vancouver without Ryan Parent coming anywhere near me.
Next up: back-to-back games with the Devils. I own them. Life is good.
Until next time.
XOXO,
Boosh
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
What The Flyers Want For Christmas
Hey, it's getting close to Christmas and you know what that means. It's that time where people start making their lists of what they want. Needless to say the DGS SuperSpies were able to get a list of what some of the Flyers want for Christmas. In hopes that the gifts are received by the team, we've posted the list here for you to see.
Chris Pronger: I'm kinda hoping he's asking for me, but more realistically it's probably targets for his elbows to hit.
Peter Laviollette: A working power play unit.
Ville Leino: A new contract.
Claude Giroux: More grilled cheese sandwiches
Daniel Carcillo: That Nikolay Zherdev keeps being Nikolay Zherdev.
Sergei Bobrovsky: Getting a shutout, hopefully in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals
Brian Boucher: Employment, anywhere, just not in Russia
Eric Wellwood: To NOT become Kyle Wellwood
Nikolay Zherdev: Judging by his recent performances, I'd say he would like to learn how to pass
Mike Richards: PK Subban's head on a platter
Jeff Carter: Lisa Hartnell...wait no..sorry...Jeff wouldn't be asking for something he has...Jeff Carter wants the ability to not go high and wide
Scott Hartnell: Lisa Hartnell
Paul Holmgren: The ability to do math.
Darroll Powe: More time hanging out with guys like Max Lapierre.
Chris Pronger: I'm kinda hoping he's asking for me, but more realistically it's probably targets for his elbows to hit.
Peter Laviollette: A working power play unit.
Ville Leino: A new contract.
Claude Giroux: More grilled cheese sandwiches
Daniel Carcillo: That Nikolay Zherdev keeps being Nikolay Zherdev.
Sergei Bobrovsky: Getting a shutout, hopefully in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals
Brian Boucher: Employment, anywhere, just not in Russia
Eric Wellwood: To NOT become Kyle Wellwood
Nikolay Zherdev: Judging by his recent performances, I'd say he would like to learn how to pass
Mike Richards: PK Subban's head on a platter
Jeff Carter: Lisa Hartnell...wait no..sorry...Jeff wouldn't be asking for something he has...Jeff Carter wants the ability to not go high and wide
Scott Hartnell: Lisa Hartnell
Paul Holmgren: The ability to do math.
Darroll Powe: More time hanging out with guys like Max Lapierre.
Monday, November 29, 2010
How This All Happened: Return of the Homer
Now, just about anyone who knows anything about hockey some people (Editor's Note- including us) seem to think that Andrej Meszaros was gonna be a huge bust when he came to Philadelphia. A certain Bolts Blogger was rejoicing like he just got N64 on Christmas. This guy was a traffic pylon who never did anything right in Tampa. Now, he's in the top 10 in the NHL in +/- and anchoring the shut-down D-pair of the Flyers with Sean O'Donnell. We're all wondering how this happened.
Well, guess what, the DGS SuperSpies caught the first conversation between Big Mesz and GM Paul Holmgren after Holmgren arrived in Philly. We're sharing it with you now.
[Meszaros surrenders himself to Darth Holmgren.]
Holmgren: The Pronger has been expecting you.
Meszaros: I know...GM.
Holmgren: So, you have accepted the truth?
Meszaros: I've accepted the truth that you were once Paul Holmgren, an NHL coach.
Holmgren: That job no longer has any meaning for me!
Meszaros: It is the name of your true self. You've only forgotten. I know there is good in you. The Pronger
hasn't driven it from you fully. [steps off to the side of the passageway, away from Holmgren] That was why you couldn't destroy me. That's why you won't bring me to Chris Pronger now.
Holmgren: [inspects Meszaros's hockey stick] I see you have constructed a new hockey stick. Your skills are complete. Indeed you are powerful, as the Pronger has foreseen. [bags the hockey stick again]
Meszaros: Come with me!
Holmgren: Tocchet once thought as you do. You don't know the power of the elbow! I must obey my master.
Meszaros: I will not turn. And you'll be forced to trade me.
Holmgren: If that is your destiny.
Meszaros: Search your feelings, GM. You can't do this. I feel the conflict within you! Let go of your hate!
Holmgren: It is... too late for me, son. The Pronger will show you the true nature of the Force. He is your master now.
Meszaros: [resigned] Then my laziness is truly dead.
At this point, Chris Pronger jumped out of the corridor and elbowed the suck out of Meszaros. The world went on to be a better place as the Flyers hit the 25 game mark with Meszaros and O'Donnell being the top 2 guys on the team in +/-.
Well, guess what, the DGS SuperSpies caught the first conversation between Big Mesz and GM Paul Holmgren after Holmgren arrived in Philly. We're sharing it with you now.
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| A picture of the first meeting, unlike the movie this time the subject is turned. |
[Meszaros surrenders himself to Darth Holmgren.]
Holmgren: The Pronger has been expecting you.
Meszaros: I know...GM.
Holmgren: So, you have accepted the truth?
Meszaros: I've accepted the truth that you were once Paul Holmgren, an NHL coach.
Holmgren: That job no longer has any meaning for me!
Meszaros: It is the name of your true self. You've only forgotten. I know there is good in you. The Pronger
hasn't driven it from you fully. [steps off to the side of the passageway, away from Holmgren] That was why you couldn't destroy me. That's why you won't bring me to Chris Pronger now.
Holmgren: [inspects Meszaros's hockey stick] I see you have constructed a new hockey stick. Your skills are complete. Indeed you are powerful, as the Pronger has foreseen. [bags the hockey stick again]
Meszaros: Come with me!
Holmgren: Tocchet once thought as you do. You don't know the power of the elbow! I must obey my master.
Meszaros: I will not turn. And you'll be forced to trade me.
Holmgren: If that is your destiny.
Meszaros: Search your feelings, GM. You can't do this. I feel the conflict within you! Let go of your hate!
Holmgren: It is... too late for me, son. The Pronger will show you the true nature of the Force. He is your master now.
Meszaros: [resigned] Then my laziness is truly dead.
At this point, Chris Pronger jumped out of the corridor and elbowed the suck out of Meszaros. The world went on to be a better place as the Flyers hit the 25 game mark with Meszaros and O'Donnell being the top 2 guys on the team in +/-.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Things The Flyers Are Thankful for this Thanksgiving
Have you ever wondered what the Flyers are thankful for this year? Guess what, the DGS superspies were able to find out.
Sergei Bobrovsky: "No English"
James van Riemsdyk: "That Nik Zherdev takes up Lavi's doghouse so no one notices that I suck"
Scott Hartnell: "My awesome wife Lisa"
Chris Pronger: "My Elbows"
Jeff Carter: "Lisa Hartnell"
Brian Boucher: "The fact that fans still say my name even I suck"
Jody Shelley: "Paul Holmgren's way of thinking, he gave me one hell of a contract"
Andrej Meszaros: "I was thankful for getting out of Tampa, til I realized Rick Tocchet came to Philly too"
Claude Giroux: "The ability to score on the ice with my stick, ;-)"
Peter Laviollette: "Timeouts"
Paul Holmgren: "Glen Sather's continued employment- it makes me look good"
Michael Leighton: "Getting to spend time in upstate NY"
Sergei Bobrovsky: "No English"
James van Riemsdyk: "That Nik Zherdev takes up Lavi's doghouse so no one notices that I suck"
Scott Hartnell: "My awesome wife Lisa"
Chris Pronger: "My Elbows"
Jeff Carter: "Lisa Hartnell"
Brian Boucher: "The fact that fans still say my name even I suck"
Jody Shelley: "Paul Holmgren's way of thinking, he gave me one hell of a contract"
Andrej Meszaros: "I was thankful for getting out of Tampa, til I realized Rick Tocchet came to Philly too"
Claude Giroux: "The ability to score on the ice with my stick, ;-)"
Peter Laviollette: "Timeouts"
Paul Holmgren: "Glen Sather's continued employment- it makes me look good"
Michael Leighton: "Getting to spend time in upstate NY"
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Here's to another run at the Stanley Cup
Dear Flyers Fans and People Who Read This Blog Because They Find It Entertaining, Stupid, Funny, or You're so out of your mind that you just ended up here,
It is time for the Flyers to take a run at the Stanley Cup. They are my favorite team to win it all. (Well yes). Every team has a clean slate right now, even the Edmonton Oilers. Every player has a clean slate as well, evenWade Redden, Kyle Wellwood, Keith Ballard!
Every GM on the other hand is on his team's hot seat, (Read: Paul Holmgren) because of thestupid, self destructive, unpopular moves.
So be prepared to sit back, relax, give up 18% of your pay to ESCROW (sorry Dan Ellis) and HERE WE GO.
HOCKEY IS BACK TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Down Goes Spezza
It is time for the Flyers to take a run at the Stanley Cup. They are my favorite team to win it all. (Well yes). Every team has a clean slate right now, even the Edmonton Oilers. Every player has a clean slate as well, even
Every GM on the other hand is on his team's hot seat, (Read: Paul Holmgren) because of the
So be prepared to sit back, relax, give up 18% of your pay to ESCROW (sorry Dan Ellis) and HERE WE GO.
HOCKEY IS BACK TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Down Goes Spezza
Monday, October 4, 2010
Paul Holmgren's Excuses
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| The best goalie the team ever had... and still could outplay the current kids on the team. |
Anyway, the DGS SuperSpies managed to get a hold of Paul Holmgren and ask him what is going on. He offered us the following reasons for why the team hasn't signed a goalie yet.
- Still believes Ron Hextall will one day come back and save us all.
- Afraid that acquiring a goaltender would cause Chris Pronger to elbow his head off.
- Thought that players who wear funny pads were just defensemen in costume
- Said that Jeff Carter scared away every married goaltender because of his habit of sleeping with teammates wives.
- Because while playing the NHL video games "Be a GM Mode", he was able to win a Cup with Vesa Toskala and Andrew Raycroft as his goalies.
- After watching Martin Brodeur and Tim Thomas eat everything in sight, was afraid that the rest of the team would starve to death if a goalie was acquired.
- Is waiting for John Ferguson Jr. to become GM of the Boston Bruins so he can trade Brian Boucher for Tuukka Rask.
- Has the secret plan of trading Andrej Meszaros and Brian Boucher to the Rangers for Henrik Lundqvist or to Calgary for Mikka Kiprusoff (Sutter and Sather haven't decided who gets the honor of doing that stupid deal yet)
- Because hey, since the Vezina went to its current format in 1982, how many winners actually won a Cup?
- Chris Osgood has been on how many Cup winning teams?
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