Seriously, my GM is out
to get me. He changes
the uniform every year.
So in today's second installment of my blogging psychologist profiles, we look at Vancouver Canucks Alex Burrows. I know it's been a while since we did our first profile, Chris Pronger, but do check it out if you need to remember how this works.
Anyway, Mr. Burrows has presented with claims of feeling that a Mr. Stephane Auger is out to get him. Now some of these feelings may be based on Mr. Burrows inability to process what's real and what's not. Others may be an overreaction to legitimate concerns. Luckily we here at Down Goes Spezza were able to analyze the data that we were given. Unlike Mr. Pronger who showed traits of many mood and personality issues, Mr. Burrows only displays the traits of one personality disorder. Mr. Burrows appears to suffer from Paranoid Personality Disorder.
Bro, I heard you're good at
defending, well defend me
from Auger, please.
Kesler dude, can you see if
he's out to get me?
Mr. Burrows has had a feeling that many people are out to get him. We all remember his little tiff with NHL referee Stephane Auger for being out to get him. Now Burrows spent a lot time in the penalty box which proves that he was either making an excuse for being a horrible hockey player, or, he was right, Mr. Auger was out to get him. Now, I think we should side with Mr. Burrows as Mr. Auger has made a near infinite amount of some questionable calls.
Wait? Even goalies are out to
get me. FML.
Now of course, Mr. Burrows has shown flashes of talent on the ice. But he also seems to have some other complaints. For one, he keeps talking about the Sedins as if they are one person. He sometimes attempts to deny the existence of Daniel Sedin.
All in all, I feel like it's safe to say that Mr. Burrows is slightly paranoid in that he feels like the referees are out to get him. But hey, you never really know with these guys, suffice it to say that Mr. Burrows probably has Paranoid Schizophrenia, not Paranoid Personality Disorder. This is because of his hallucinations regarding the lack of existence of one "Daniel Sedin".
Luckily, the prognosis is good for Mr. Burrows. We must talk through his feelings about people like Mr. Auger and maybe have him hang out with both Sedin twins. Hopefully Mr. Burrows will then be able to function on society.
Well, we here at Down Goes Spezza have decided to come up with a comparison between hockey and baseball for the good of helping hockey fans everywhere understand it. The reason for this is most likely you'll be forced to watch the MLB playoffs in October instead of opening night because well, the NHL doesn't have a tv deal with a normal channel yet.
MLB: Players have been known to have great performances ruined by the horrible officiating of Jim Joyce.
NHL: Players have been known to have great performances ruined by the horrible officiating of Kerry Fraser, Stephane Auger, video goal judges in Pittsburgh, Gary Bettman and just about every other official in the game.
MLB: Players who violate rules are suspended according to strict guidelines such as 50 games for a positve PEDs test, and 10 games for using corked bats.
NHL: Players are suspended according to usage of a super secret flowchart. (At what point does Down Goes Brown decide to sue me?).
MLB: Players who do not perform well for their team can be sent down to a minor league organization known as Triple-A.
NHL: Players who do not perform well for their team can be sent down to a minor league organization known as the Calgary Flames.
MLB: Players have been known to embellish being hit by a pitch in order to get first base. (see Derek Jeter)
NHL: Players have been known to embellish being hit by high sticks or tripped in order to get a 2 minute Powerplay for their team. (see: Dan Carcillo, Max Lapierre, Sidney Crosby, Matt Bradley, Sean Avery).
MLB: Poor sportsmanship usually manifests itself in dirty slides and players throwing at each other.
NHL: Poor sportsmanship usually manifests itself in concussions after a Chris Pronger elbow to the skull.
MLB: Players can sign insanely long contracts with NTCs that keep them in the same city for an entire career without fear of the contract being rejected due to the lack of a salary cap.
NHL: Players can sign insanely long contracts with NTCs that keep them in the same city for an entire career without fear of the contract being rejected due to the lack of enforcement of the salary cap. (DGB's urge to sure is rising...if he actually reads my blog).
MLB: Players can score from 2nd base, a distance of 180 feet, on a poorly hit ball by a stroke of luck known as a seeing-eye hit.
NHL: Players can score from a the defensive zone, a distance of 180 feet, on a poorly shot puck by shooting against Vesa Toskala. (If DGB hasn't decided to sue me yet, he sure will now)
MLB: Players have been known to have legal trouble due to steroid use and lying about it to the US Congress
NHL: Players have been known to have legal trouble due to dealing with shady Belorussian mobsters.
MLB: Players on bad teams such as the Florida Marlins also have to worry about horribly hot weather as well as hurricanes.
NHL: Players on bad teams such as the Edmonton Oilers still have to spend winters in chillyfrozen ICY HELL Edmonton.
MLB: Players have been known to have shards of wood embedded in their chests from broken equipment
NHL: Players have been known to have their throats cut by equipment in perfect working order.
MLB: Big name players like Carl Pavano have been known to sign in New York and never play a game due to injury. NHL: Big name players like Rick DiPietro have been known to be drafted by New York and never play a game due to injury.
MLB: Teams from Canada haven't won a championship since 1993
NHL: Same (Now, with lawsuits.)
Hey everyone. Just so you know starting tomorrow (September 2) and going every other day through September 12, I will be posting the Official DGS 2010-2011 Season Previews, we will be doing one division a day. At the end of this all, I'll post a recap that has links to all 6 posts and lists all 30 teams on one page (That will go up September 13).
In order to whet your appetite for the upcoming posts of awesomeness, I have a list of generalized NHL predictions here for you to see.
Kerry Fraser may be retired, but the NHL has hired a new referee who is legally blind in order to prove that the disabled can have successful careers.
Gary Bettman is still stupid. (I call this, "playing it safe")
Stephane Auger will screw with all of us by calling a game perfectly down the middle.
Kyle Wellwood will eat his way onto a team.
Antti Niemi will remain unemployed until he gives up his contract demand of "not having another NHL caliber goaltender on the roster" is met.
Rick DiPietro will end up on LTIR. (Playing it safe again am I)
Pierre McGuire will move to Massachusetts and marry his 'Monster' Zdeno Chara
Once Edmonton has its first cold snap in December, Taylor Hall will demand a trade out of Edmonton
Joe Thornton will lead the Sharks with clutch play during the regular season and post-season before finally giving out during the Finals and saying "What, you think I changed at all"
The Phoenix Coyotes will find their way back to Winnipeg
Good morning DGS Readers. Once again, it's Sunday, and we're serving brunch at DGS. What's that mean? It means that we have a question that we want answered in the funniest way possible. Who's gonna answer it? YOU ARE! the DGS readers! we love hearing from you.
So anyway, here we go.
Kyle Wellwood, Tim Thomas and Martin Brodeur walk into a restaurant that may or may not be an "all you can buffet" the reason why it's that way, the restaurant is owned by Stephane Auger and we all know what happens when he's in charge of something. Needless to say, how does this go down? (besides in a greasy, fattening mess of fried chicken)
So as we all know, the NHL just recently looked at possible rule changes at the RDO camp, well the DGS SuperSpies recently uncovered some other possible rule changes that were NOT tested at the RDO Camp. In the interest of public knowledge and full disclosure we're posting the list here for you to see.
After trying out 4 on 4, 3 on 3 and 2 on 2 overtimes, 1 on 1 and 0 on 0 were tried as well.
Goalie's were asked to go pad free, to avoid any debates as to whether pads were too big
New shootout format featuring empty nets. (NHL could just force all shooters to shoot on Vesa Toskala during the season to make this work)
Players were asked to play a 60 minute game officiated by Stephane Auger where the rules were applied fairly and consistently
Players wearing 87 for the Penguins were now called for diving
Games could now be canceled in favor of just a shootout
Teams on the PK would have the play goalie free and all penalties would last assigned length regardless of how many goals were scored. (note, Bettman still thinks the NHL would lack scoring with this rule)
Players were also forced to dress/change/shower in front of life sized posters of Pierre McGuire in order to prepare them for the experience of being interviewed by him after they get drafted.
In order to foster more scoring, pucks now entering the crease count as a goal, and pucks entering the back of the net count as 2 goals.
Defenseman throwing body checks in the defensive zone will now be called for a 2 minute penalty for "not allowing scoring chances"
Goalies who cover the puck in the goal crease are now subject to a "delay of game penalty"
Goalies can no longer leave crease to play puck or make saves.
Players were also taught to have sophomore slumps that make Steve Mason's look non-existent.
So, with some new features of NHL 11 being announced, we at DGS got really excited in anticipation of the game's release. After reading that article, we noticed that several things were missing from this game that should be included. Luckily, we have the list right here. So EA Sports, if you're reading, here is what you need to make NHL 11 totally awesome
First off: Mini Games! We all love the, like the mini shoot out game and such, but branch out a little guys seriously. We have a couple ideas for you
Buffet Wars: Have Tim Thomas, Martin Brodeur, and Kyle Wellwood in line at a buffet table, most food consumed in a set amount of time wins.
Sloppy Seconds: Basically a game where Sean Avery picks up your favorite players ex, then unleashes a series of silly comments about it.
Auger Mode aka Ref Mode Basically, you become the referee, if you want to go out and get someone, but don't feel like fighting them, bingo, you have an alternative.
Also, for more realistic game play:
The following things should happen:
-Players refuse to sign contracts with Edmonton -Marian Gaborik should be injured every time he touches the puck -Moving Rick DiPietro out of the goal crease results in his receiving a crippling knee injury -Mike Green will NOT play defense
Have "playoff attributes" for when your team in GM mode hits the post season, this will result in the following changes:
-Any player on the San Jose Sharks having their rating drop from 90 to 0 -Joe Thornton actually ends up with negative attributes in the playoffs -Jaroslav Halak's rating is equal to those shooting against him -Ville Leino and Danny Briere get perfect ratings in the playoffs only, -Alex Semin disappears
Bring in a "dive mode"
Basically, instead of deking, certain players, like Crosby, Carcillo, Max Lapierre will all dive rather than deke around checks.
More Realistic GM Mode:
Need to unload a horrible contract: Don't worry, MTL will trade for it. Need to acquire first round draft picks: The Maple Leafs are selling. Need to acquire NHL talent for Vesa Toskala: Calgary's here to help Need to throw out NTCs like candy: JFJ is in the house
More Realistic Crowds: ACC is empty Habs fans riot after games #ThrowTheSnake During Senators/Leafs games in Ottawa, Senators players get to hear the Boos Southern US Markets get next to nil attendance
If we missed something, include it in the comments please.
As DGB and Bloge Salming did for the Habs, I will eulogize the Flyers. Here we go.
Philadelphia Flyers Eulogy 2010
Flyers Season 09-10 Campaign: Born October 1, 2009 Died June 9, 2010
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to remember, or possibly forget, a season that was magical, and sucktastic, all at the same time. We had our ups, trading for Chris Pronger, signing Ray Emery, beating the Rangers in a shootout to earn a playoff birth, spotting the Bruins 3 game and 3 goal leads before crushing their dreams and aiding and abetting riots on the streets of Montreal, having Lavi call the perfect timouts, losing Stevens, Danny Briere and Ville Leino’s post season play, and Dan Carcillo meeting Marian Gaborik for the first time
Word Just In: Montreal riots would have happened anyway…
Then there were the downs: Having to look at Sidney Crosby, listening to Pierre McGuire during the Finals on tv, wondering what happened to the offense, losing Stevens, the regular season play of Leino and Briere, seeing Rick Tocchet on my TV.
And of course, the downright wacky: the goaltender situations…Emery, Boucher, Leighton, Backlund, Duchesne, will be remembered for getting onto the ice, while, Hutton, Caron and Teslak will be remembered for dressing, Pittsburgh’s video guy not sending in the goal, Stephane Auger getting Carcillo, Pronger waving at Eager, Leighton tossing 3 SOs against the Habs, Lavi magically turning games around with a timeout, Chris Pronger stealing pucks and Dan Carcillo flopping around like a fish out water, Cindy Crosby. But with all that said, it doesn’t surprise me that the Flyers bowed out the way they did. Coming so close, teasing us the whole way with great comebacks and pulling miracles out of helmet-masks. I guess it’s time to talk about some of the memorable moments from birth to death of this season. So without further ado, let’s run down [DAMMIT CARCILLO, NOT THAT WAY!] the biggest moments of the season.
Opening Night: To be honest I didn’t know what to expect, I knew we had Pronger on D and that made me happy. We had Ray Emery in net, a huge risk and a backup in Boucher which I thought was a huge mistake. Razor had a shutout to open the season and I was happy. And then it unraveled rather quickly, December rolled around and Stevens was out. Hartnell was sucking, Emery got hurt and Boucher sucked a lot. But then Leighton was claimed on waivers and I felt like the towel was tossed in on this year. Boucher went down and there was Leighton and, he’s not bad…he’s winning…WE HAVE A GOALIE! Leighton is here to save us all…and OH MY GOD HE’S DEAD! Err…crippled. NO! NO! NO! NOT BOUCHER! Please NOT BOUCHER! Give us Backlund please! Hell, give us Toskala…wait, I’m not gonna say things that I cannot take back. Granted, I think Toskala had a higher save percentage than Jeremy Duchesne...so...but Duchesne stopped every shot from over 150ft.
The ultimate highlight...what if Broad St didn't fight back?
Humor aside, it was a great year, and to everyone else, I leave this season with a few questions.
1. What if Carter didn’t have 2 broken feet during the post season? 2. What if Gagne didn’t have 2 broken toes during the post season? 3. What if the goalies were healthy?
Fact is, we’ll be back next year. BACK WITH A VENGEANCE! LOOK OUT NHL, Flyers will win it all in 2010, and starting next week, I will explain why.
Last night, Jim Joyce shocked the baseball world when he blew a call costing Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game. Many were outraged and saddened at the kid's loss of perfection. However, as a huge NHL fan, seeing poor officiating is nothing new to me. As a matter of fact, I can readily come up with a few examples of NHL officiating gone wrong.
Spoiler alert: Kerry Fraser isn't our only offender.
1993 Conference Finals: Kerry Fraser blows, and then lies about a high sticking call on Wayne Gretzky which keeps the Leafs out of the Stanley Cup finals.
2009 Playoffs: Brad May goal overturned because of the "intent to blow" rule.
March 2008/Jan 2010: Flyers fall victim to the Sabres/Bruins because opponents had too many men on the ice while scoring
1999 Stanley Cup Finals: Brett Hull ends the Finals with a skate in the crease, replays could have overturned this one but for some reason, they did not.
Now there's also slightly more to this story than meets the eye. See Jim Joyce is in fact, NOT that umpires real name. That's right it's an alias of Stephane Auger, and in fact, the DGS SuperSpies overheard a top secret conversation between Auger and his own reflection in the mirror in the hotel before the game. In fact, we have the transcript of it right here:
Auger: Oh baseball, how I hate thee, all these non-French-Canadiens really bug me.
Auger's Reflection: You know what, you should GET SOMEONE tonight.
Auger: Any idea who?
Auger's Reflection: No, but when the opportunity arises, you will know what to do.
Auger: Sounds fantastic, tonight, I am out to get the Detroit Tigers in someway.
Auger's Reflection: Yes, and when you do, it will be fantastic.
Anyway, during the game, Auger decided it was time to get Armando Galarraga and therefore, with the game on the line, Auger pulled out a safe call from nowhere.
The insane minds of DGS do, and we are going to share important Michael Leighton exploits with you.
1. Michael Leighton counted to infinity, twice
2. Michael Leighton does not check his closet for monsters, monsters check their closets for Michael Leighton
3. Only the good Lord, and possibly Bernie Parent, can save more than Michael Leighton
4. Michael Leighton can touch MC Hammer.
5. Michael Leighton does NOT stop pucks, he just scares them into not crossing the goal line.
6. Michael Leighton's icy blue eyes are in fact made of ice.
7. When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk, when the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris, when Chuck Norris gets angry, he turns into Michael Leighton
8. Michael Leighton wins staring contests with statues.
9. Wilt Chamberlain once claimed to slept with 10,000 in his lifetime, Michael Leighton calls this a Tuesday morning coffee break.
10. Michael Leighton can make Kyle Wellwood lose weight, he just hasn't tried.
11. Michael Leighton's tears cure cancer, sadly, Michael Leighton has never cried.
12. There is no theory of evolution, only a list of creatures that Michael Leighton allows to live.
13. What is 2+2? Answer: Michael Leighton
14. Michael Leighton knows where both Pi and E end. [Note: He tried to tell us, but Kyle Wellwood ate the paper with the proof...something about wanting more pie...]
15. Michael Leighton can divide by zero.
16. Michael Leighton smells what the Rock is cooking.
We here at Down Goes Spezza are happy to provide you with an analysis of the upcoming second round playoff series between the Philadelphia Flyers and Boston Bruins.
Season Series:
Flyers: 2-1-1
Bruins: 2-1-1
What the FUCK?!?! That’s right; both teams “won” the season series
Gary Bettman, what the fuck happened? Fix this now please and thanks, ok?
Five Signs the Flyers will win this Series:
5. With Gagne, Carter, Lappy, Leighton, and Emery all out, the Flyers have a well rested roster of youthful kids.
4. Brian Boucher is on the same stuff that made Ray Emery good in 2007
3. Brian Boucher decided not to choke in the postseason
2. The Flyers employ a dynamic defensive system of shot blocking and positioning, but when all else fails, Chris Pronger maims opposing players
Five Signs the Bruins are going to lose this series
5. Marc Savard has decided he likes the vacation time
4. Zdeno Chara faints from lack of oxygen that high up
3. Hmm, maybe the fact that the Flyers “won” the season series
2.Correction the Flyers “won” the series in games played in hockey arenas
1. Tuukka Rask just got informed that he is a rookie
The Official Down Goes Spezza Game by Game Predictions:
Game 1 in Boston
Flyers 3 Boston 1
Game 2 in Boston
Flyers 2 Boston 3
Game 3 in Philly
Flyers 1 Boston 0
Game 4 in Philly
Flyers 3 Boston 1
Game 5 in Boston
Flyers 0 Boston 2
Game 6 in Philly
Flyers 3 Boston 2
That’s right, I got the Flyers in 6.
It’s also important to note Gagne should be back for game 5 or 6 and hopefully Mike Leighton will be back as well, because, you know the Flyers goaltending's been more crippled than someone who turns their back on Ovechkin. Seriously, even Stephane Auger can't 'get' this many people. Yes, I'm burying that joke into the ice, like someone racing Marian Hossa on a possible icing call.
PS: Neither team can possibly pull off a Capital choke job in this series.
After going 50/50 in the Game 7s, we here at Down Goes Spezza have decided to take a look at the other playoff series. So, here we go.
Western Conference:
#1 San Jose vs. #5 Detroit
Quick Pick: San Jose drops the series in 6 games after a reporter accidentally walks up to Joe Thornton and asks him “how do you feel about these playoffs?”
#2 Chicago vs. #3 Vancouver
Quick Pick: Vancouver pulls this one out in 7 after Niemi accidentally swallows another puck only to drop it into his own net.
Eastern Conference
#4 Pittsburgh vs. #8 Montreal
Quick Pick: Jaroslav Halak continues to be red hot and the Habs D continues to shut down. Stephane Auger decides that it’s time to “get” Crosby the Crybaby and therefore it’s Habs in 7. By get, we mean actually call Crosby for Diving
#7 Flyers vs. #6 Boston
Tomorrow’s post will give a detailed analysis of this series.
