A Handy Guide for the NBA fan to the NHL

So it seems the NBA is threatening to cancel regular season games soon. With that, it seems that many NBA fans will soon be making their way to NHL games unsure of what to do. Luckily, we here at Down Goes Spezza would like to put into print (well, digital E-media) a guide to going to hockey games for NBA fans.


First a list of Do's/Do Nots


Do Not- Chant "De-Fence" when the opposing team has a powerplay to motivate your team's penalty killers
Instead-When your team has a power play, yell "SHOOT!!!!!" at whomever is holding the puck.


Do Not- Expect to see players "check in" at the scorer's table before entering on a change
Instead- Expect to see the Boston Bruins botch line changes and get called for Too Many Men penalties.


Do Not- Think that a puck in the mouth that breaks a jaw is a reason for a player  to miss a game.
Instead- Expect to see that player return with a cage on.


Do Not- Expect a half hour press conference to detail one UFA signing.
Instead- Expect a half hour press conference every day telling you everything about Sidney Crosby


Do Not- Expect to hate a player like LeBron James for signing as a UFA with another team
Instead- Expect to hate Eklund for getting your hopes up that a player might sign with your team.


Do Not- Get used to seeing a team in Phoenix.
Instead- Create your own clever relocation rumor


Do Not- Buy your new favorite team's jersey and expect it to stay in date since during the shipping time, they will probably re-design it.
Instead- Just buy a throwback from the 90s.


Do Not- Expect to hear rap music at a game.
Instead- Expect to hear music that was cool in 2004.


Do Not- Assume that goaltending is illegal.
Instead- Assume that you'll see 30 goalies a game when watching a Flyers playoff game or NY Islanders season.


Do Not- Expect to see players ignore defense every night and have it treated as the norm.
Instead- Expect every single person  to blast Dany Heatley and Phil Kessel for never venturing into the defensive zone.


Do Not- Wonder why players like Dustin Byfuglien, Martin Brodeur, Kyle Wellwood and Tim Thomas have jobs despite not looking like athletes.
Instead- Wonder why players like Wade Redden, Matt Walker and Mike Komisarek have jobs.





Also, if you're going to be attending an NHL game for the first, you may want to have "forecasts" of what to expect when you get to the arena. Luckily, we've put together a list of basic expectations for every NBA City that has an NHL team.

City-Toronto
NHL team- Maple Leafs
Basic Forecast- If you live in Toronto, you already know who the Maple Leafs are.



City- New York
NHL team- Rangers
Basic Forecast- In terms of big name free agency signings that don't deliver titles, Gaborik and Brad Richards are Chris Bosh and LeBron James...and Henrik Lundqvist is Dwayne Wade.



City- Minneapolis/St Paul
NHL team- Wild
Basic Forecast- By acquiring half the Sharks, the Wild now own many players with distinct choking abilities.



City- Miami
NHL team- The Florida Panthers
Basic Forecast- The Panthers went on a spending spree like the Heat a year ago. Unlike the Heat, the Panthers didn't actually sign good players.



City- Dallas
NHL team- Stars
Basic Forecast- Bankrupt, like the NBA will soon be.



City- Los Angeles
NHL team- Kings, Ducks.
Basic Forecast- Kings: Hipsters and Wil Wheaton make up the fan base. Ducks: No matter how hard you try, no one has George Parros's beard.



City- Bay Area, California
NHL team- Sharks
Basic Forecast- Like LeBron James, Joe Thornton tends to leave important games 12 minutes early.



City-Boston
NHL team- Bruins
Basic Forecast- Like single other team in Boston, the Bruins have won a recent title.



City- Washington DC
NHL team- Capitals
Basic Forecast- This actually might be the easiest city for an NBA fan to get into, as Capitals fans and Wizards fans all have roughly the same amount of hockey knowledge



City-Philadelphia
NHL team- Flyers
Basic Forecast- Muggy with a chance of batteries.


City- Atlanta
NHL team- Thrashers
Basic Forecast- Gone, faster than this NBA season


City- Newark, New Jersey
NHL team- Devils
Basic Forecast- Beware of traps and jars of jelly.

The Secret Transcript: Rick Rypien Vs NHL Fan

Last night, Rick Rypien attacked a fan during a 6-2 loss by Rypien's Canucks to the Minnesota Wild. Yes, the Wild scored 6 goals against Luongo. That was news to me too. Ok, so here we go.


Rick Rypien, you got the Sean Avery treatment, and what you did was improper and inexcusable.


I think that's enough of a joke it itself.


What I learned from all this:

1. Damian Cox is an idiot. Seriously, there is NOTHING redeeming about him.
2. The Canucks are just as bad, the Stars suspended Avery on their own before the NHL got involved, Gillis should have done the same thing.
3. Rypien needs anger management. 

NHL 2010-2011 Season Previews: Northwest Division

Now we're just chugging along here with out secret training camp previews. Up today, the Northwest division.

Calgary Flames

The Good: The team's new acquisitions are already familiar with both the city and team as they all played for the Flames 3 years ago.

The Bad: The team's new acquisitions are dudes who PLAYED FOR THE FLAMES THREE YEARS AGO!

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will hope that this attempt at a tank job leads to Penguin-esque success.

Vancouver Canucks

The Good: Have an amazing player in Henrik Sedin and his twin Daniel as well too.

The Bad: Have a huge lockerroom void created by the loss of Kyle Wellwood.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will bank on the success of a backup goalie NOT named Andrew Raycroft.

Colorado Avalanche

The Good: Have a solid core of young players who are now all due for their sophomore slumps at the same time.

The Bad: Will not be able to rely on Peter Forsberg returning in order to save them.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope that Peter Budaj is actually Czech for Patrick Roy.

Minnesota Wild

The Good: Have a guy named Nicklas Backstrom on their team, and if what google tells me is true, then Nicklas Backstrom is a 80 point guy which makes him the perfect pair for Mikko "Numbers Don't Matter" Koivu on the top line

The Bad: Just realized that they have the OTHER Nicklas Backstrom and that numbers do matter.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will run on the hope that no one notices their existence again.

Edmonton Oilers

The Good: #1 Overall pick Taylor Hall has yet to demand a trade out of Edmonton

The Bad: #1 Overall pick Taylor Hall is getting closer to demanding a trade out of Edmonton

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Attempting to find a way to move the team out of Edmonton.