Emptying the Mailbag: Real DGS emails...

If you follow me on twitter, facebook, or read the site, you know that I love to talk. You also know that I pride myself on being able to answer anything tossed my way related to hockey. Well, sometimes it gets to be too much, whether it's the trolls, the idiots on the Flyers facebook page or spambots, I've been totally cursed had the pleasure of dealing with some people who make me question the idea of "user friendly computers." Chances are, if you're reading this, you are NOT someone who sent me one of these emails. But if someone is reading this to you, well, you really shouldn't play with the computer unsupervised.


(Editor's Note: I won't reveal the names or email addresses of the senders for privacy reasons.)


10. "In http://downgoesspezza.com/2010/08/dgs-special-investigation-series-how.html, I tried to make the same trades on my PS3, they didn't work, you lied to me."

Because, yeah, it's my fault that your season simulation in be a GM mode didn't yield the same player growth that mine did...

9. "If you think Bobrovsky and Boucher are good enough for the playoffs, you're an idiot, this team needs Leighton, why won't you tell Lavi to call him up?"

Because Re-entry waivers...

8. "Jeff Carter only scores on Lisa Hartnell, you were right to finally tell us that. He totally sucks and should be traded"

This is a satire blog, that transcript was clearly marked as fictional, also, Jeff Carter has a higher shooting percentage than Alex Ovechkin.

7. "Wait, why no discussion of the Phillies?"

Yes, the guy who sent this was serious, I actually laughed him off thinking it was a joke...


6. "What do mean Ilya Kovalchuk's a true enforcer? He's only got 4-5 fights ever."

This Post: http://downgoesspezza.com/2010/10/ilya-kovalchuk-comes-clean-about-why-he.html

You REALLY think I'm being serious now don't you...


5. "I'm sick of Rangers fans like you thinking they know hockey..."

Oh for the love of...READ MY BIO

4. "Jeff Carter sucks, why do you keep defending him."

Well for one, shooting percentage doesn't lie...he's shooting BETTER than Ovechkin this year...

3. "The Flyers should trade Brian Boucher and get a real goalie" I pointed out the salary cap..."that doesn't matter, if they wanted it, they could do it" Ok, who would give up a real goalie for Brian Boucher "well, if Boucher was packaged with Zherdev and draft picks, then the Flyers could have Vokoun"...yeah because the fact that the Flyers couldn't GIVE Zherdev away on waivers means someone would trade for him without some sort of catastrophic incident...plus the picks don't exist due to the Meszaros and Versteeg trades

2. "Stop talking about this team like you know it, you're a god damn bangwagoner who's gonna jump ship ths second this team falls out of first place"

Yeah...right


1. "Crosby SUCKS!!!!!!!"

No, he doesn't...I hate him, but that doesn't take away the fact that he's one of the best players in the game today...

Crosby Starts to Whine and Cry (Angels We Have Heard On High)

Yes that's right, another song parody. (Sing to Angels We Have Heard On High..which means...sing the chorus right in your mind when reading this). Long story short, we're rolling this song because of the Flyers amazing 3-2 victory over the Penguins to end their 12 game winning streak.


"Dive and Cry"

Crosby starts to whine and cry
After someone looks his way
And the ref gives a reply
A minor sends him away

Dive and Cry
Bettman looks the other way
Dive and Cry
Campbell looks the other way

Ovi slewfoots like a douche
After someone turns their back
And Bettman has no clue
Because he is such a quack

Board and spear
Bettman looks the other way
Board and spear
Campbell looks the other way

Subban is a whiny bitch
Always running his big mouth
And now digging his own ditch
Mike Richards will punch him out

Drop the gloves
PK gets what he deserves
Drop the gloves
Midgets cannot save his ass

Patrick likes to sip the wine
Then punch out the cabbie
Something tells me he's not fine
Hangovers are really crappy

Drink the booze
Kane soon will pass out again
Drink the booze
Kane is super drunk again

The Truth About Washington Capitals Fans

(Editors Note: DGS actually wrote this post in April right before the Capitals got eliminated from the playoffs. Now, with the cycle starting again, we feel the need to inform the world about


Well, it seems that the NHL has a new fad, being a “fan” of the Washington Capitals. As a public service announcement to the rest of the NHL, we here at Down Goes Spezza feel compelled to let you know about the different types of Capitals “fans”, and what to do if you see one.




The College Kid: He/She doesn’t actually like hockey, they just happen to go to a school in/near Washington D.C. and therefore have a habit of turning up at Caps games.

How to spot one: Look for a crowd drunk 18-24 year olds. They’re so smashed they can barely stand. Also, they tend to travel in packs screaming about their love of Alex Ovechkin.

What to do if you see one: Smile, laugh, then ask them to name a player on the Caps third line, when they find that impossible, mock them. [They’ll be too intoxicated to actually fight you, don’t worry]*



The “I Just Got Into Hockey” Fan: These people just got into hockey; they assume the Caps have been good forever and that Alex Ovechkin can do anything.

How to Spot One: Wearing red, only red, and they have no idea the Caps had a different sweater prior to 2007. Come to think of it, they have no idea the Caps existed before 2007

What to do if you see one: Ask them about the Jagr years and then laugh hysterically when they can’t answer, give them a history lesson, watch them deny the past. Finally, feel disturbingly satisfied on the inside.




The Alex Ovechkin Groupie: Both males and females can fall into this category. It’s actually kind of creepy.

How to Spot One: They wear everything Alex Ovechkin, Jersey, with an AO t-shirt under it, have an AO hat, and AO written on their socks, jeans and underwear.

What to do if you see one: Ask them a question about the Capitals goaltending and defensive situations, be amused by their inability to understand the concept.




The Bandwagoner: The largest group of Caps fans right now. They magically appeared when the Caps won a President’s Trophy in 2009-2010.

How to Spot One: If you’re ever in their home, you’ll see the following sweaters in their closet: Joe Thornton, Mats Sundin (Canucks), and Chris Pronger (Blues).

What to do if you see one: Question them about the above mentioned sweaters. Allow their answers to make you laugh. Then ask to wear their Pronger jersey. After putting it on, elbow their skull in.




The Lifetime fan: Someone who has followed the Caps since they entered the league in 1974 and is still with the team.

How to Spot One: It’s really hard right now to find one on the streets, but look for the guy wearing a Peter Bondra or Adam Oates jersey. If you’re in the Verizon Center, it’s actually rather easy, since they have the old Caps colors on.
What to do if you see one: Tell them you feel sorry for them because of the above mentioned groups.




The Loyal Lifetime Fan: Someone who followed the Caps since they entered the league in 1974.

How to Spot One: Right now, in 2010, you won’t. They all committed suicide or ran for the hills because of the top 3 groups of fans.

What to do if you see one: Cover your brain to survive the zombie apocalypse while being thankful that neither Mark Recchi nor Chris Chelios play for the Caps.

The Winds of Change are Blowing: NHL Relocations for 2010-11

Like many offseasons, this summer has seen a lot of movement in the NHL, and I don't just mean trades and free agency, which have been oddly quiet. Some of it may be confusing for a casual fan who didn't follow the news as it happened. Luckily we here at DGS have compiled the following guide to help you understand what's been moved around.

• The Chicago Blackhawks moved the team to Atlanta in the weeks following their Stanley Cup win, this was done in order to hide the Stanley Cup from the Daley Political Machine who would probably try to steal it. In the words of Rod Blagojevich "I got this cup, and it's fucking silver."
• The Philadelphia Flyers and Montreal Canadiens recently started a joint business venture to do the unthinkable: bring the NHL to Tampa, Florida. This new project, tentatively called "the Tampa Bay Lightning" is made up of Habs and Flyers castoffs like Dominic Moore and Simon Gagne, they'll be coached by the Habs AHL Hamilton Bulldogs coaching staff and are slated to play in the Southeast Division of the Eastern Conference, Habs owner Mike Leighton has yet to comment on the deal. I wish them the best of luck.
• A certain GM named Sutter opened up a "Blast from the Past" Museum in Calgary by picking up former Flames like Olli Jokinen. In order to avoid being a one trick pony, Sutter also showcases a list of "Former Maple Leafs" exhibit.
  
• Vesa Toskala has been forced to relocate to Finland, but only because the Finns apparently can't kick Finnish citizens out of Finland. However, with the way things are going in Philadelphia, it's safe to assume he's gonna be their starting goalie by December. (GOD HELP US ALL!)
  
• In a case of things NOT being moved, the Edmonton Oilers still in fact, play in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
• Sami Salo recently attempted to move a muscle landing him in the ER again, however, this actually led to him being placed in a padded room to prevent him from hurting himself while performing basic day-to-day tasks. He promptly broke his jaw while attempting to chew his liquid breakfast shake.
• In order to maximize the summer vacations he has every year, Brian Burke will continue to look to relocate all his draft picks so as to avoid having to take time off from his vacations in order to draft players.
• Denis Grebeshkov relocated himself to the KHL allowing him to play in his native Russia. Honestly, after spending 2.5 years in Edmonton and then trying to play hockey in Nashville, I'd probably try to do the same thing.
• Paul Holmgren gave Andrej Meszaros another shot at playing in the NHL after he disappeared for the last 2 years. This is because Holmgren saw what bringing in a bad contract did with the Habs after they took on Scott Gomez's salary, and how the Hawks won a cup with Brian Campbell and CristoLOL Huet on their team. He still has the last laugh as we all know the Rangers are still stuck with Wade Redden.
• Mike Modano is attempting to relocate himself somewhere, anywhere, he's sure he wants to go, but sadly no one's letting him in when he knocks.
• Tomas Kaberle has yet to be relocated, but only because of the hypocrisy of Brian Burke, he demands a top-6 forward for him, which means he should have dealt Kaberle to the Flyers for Andrej Meszaros by now, as after checking the Leafs depth chart, I'm pretty sure Mesz could fit in there.
• Johan Hedberg relocated himself to the easiest NHL job on the planet, backing up Martin Brodeur of the NJ Devils, this job entails only one responsibility, making sure that Lou can't get his hands on any jars of jelly.
• The Phoenix Coyotes are actively attempting to move the entire team and every trace of it to Winnipeg. As if hockey ever existed there...
• Mike Green was allegedly relocated to the Capitals defense corps, however, after scouring hours of video, there is no known evidence of Mike Green actually playing defense.
• Max Talbot relocated himself to be the temporary hot topic of the NHL by calling Alex Ovechkin a "douche". While it is refreshing to see Sidney Crosby on the back burner for 20 seconds, it's hard to understand what the big deal over Talbot stating a well known fact is. Also, inb4 Andy Sutton asks "are you an expert?" Max Talbot better know a douche when he sees one, he plays on a team with Matt Cooke and Sidney Crosby in a league where Gary Bettman is the commissioner.
  
• Speaking of people calling people names and getting in the news for it, where the hell did Sean Avery run off to? I haven't heard of him saying anything in over 2 months.
• Antti Niemi will soon relocate to the KHL after no NHL team pays the 6,250,000 the arbitrator gives him because of Niemi's argument that he DID play better than CristoLOL Huet.
• Speaking of KHL relocations, Evgeni Nabokov relocated to the KHL because after years of watching Joe Thornton choke at the thought of running into a Chris Pronger elbow during the postseason, Nabby couldn't bear to play a whole season with Chris Pronger's elbows that close to his skull. Honestly, did Holmgren forget to tell him that Keith Ballard is NOT a Flyer?
• In another story involving non-relocation, the NHL will still be on Versus next year, meaning you probably will never have to worry about seeing its existence.
  

The Curious Case of Ilya Kovalchuk

Editor's Note: This post is written by Amy, NOT DGS.




Ilya Kovalchuk, where will he end up. Well, the DGS SuperSpies have tried to find out, and they have some interesting ideas, as well as what this means for Flyers fans. So with the help of me, the Amazing Amy, DGS made a list of 10 possible destinations and what Flyers fans should think of them.



Team: NJ Devils
Odds: 4:1
Reasons to Go: Will be backed by a Hall of Fame caliber goalie and a great Defensive system
Reasons to Not Go: The Devils aren't exactly known for opening the bank for offensive talents
Meaning to Flyers: If he's in NJ, we're fucked.


Team: Toronto Maple Leafs
Odds: 10:1
Reasons to Go: Kovy and Kessel on the top 2 lines, it's bound to work, right?
Reasons to Not Go: Does Toronto have a D that can allow Kovy a chance to win
Meaning to Flyers: Only facing Kovy 4 times a year instead of 6 is a bonus, but I'd fear Kovy in the playoffs


Team: Boston Bruins
Odds: 500:1
Reasons to Go: Kovy/Hall/Savard top line, that's amazing
Reasons to Not Go: Will be traded to Toronto for a decade's worth of first rounders and Luke Schenn
Meaning to Flyers: Kovy in Boston=Bruins as favourites for the Cup in 2011


Team: Washington Capitals
Odds: 25:1
Reasons to Go: An all Russian top line of Ovy-Semin-Kovy sounds nice
Reasons to Not Go: Mike Green would then be the Caps top D-man causing every game to be decided by a score of 9-8
Meaning to Flyers: Really isn't one until the playoffs roll around...


Team: Edmonton Oilers
Odds: 100,000:1
Reasons to Go: I heard Edmonton feels like Russia in winter.
Reasons to Not Go: I heard Edmonton feels like Russia in winter
Meaning to Flyers: It's second best option.


Team: San Jose Sharks
Odds: 85:1
Reasons to Go: "Thornton to Kovalchuk...SHARKS SCORE" would guarantee another San Jose President's Trophy
Reasons to Not Go: Cap issues, lack of playoff success, risk of having to get a ride with Dany Heatley all come to mind
Meaning to Flyers: Again, it's nice to have Kovy out of the east...but I sure wouldn't mind having Kovy on another continent.


Team: Montreal Canadiens
Odds: 100:1
Reasons to Go: A skilled sniper would give the Habs a legit scoring threat
Reasons to Not Go: Other Habs players may be afraid of a giant 6'2" 230lb Russian
Meaning to Flyers: When Habs fans riot after wins against Toronto, the Flyers may have to give up their reputation as the "most brutish fans in hockey, or sport for that matter"


Team: Chicago Black Hawks
Odds: 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000:1
Reasons to Go: After the Hawks implode this team in order to gain cap space, they could restock with Kovy-Toews-Kane as their top line
Reasons to Not Go: Kovy would then need to work for free.
Meaning to Flyers: Hey, at least it keeps him OUT of the Eastern Conference...


Team: Philadelphia Flyers
Odds: 150,000:1
Reasons to Go: Great chance to win a cup
Reasons to Not Go: Flyers already have 8 top-6 caliber forwards
Meaning to Flyers: He becomes our weapon on offense, at the expense of having a goalie next year, seriously, Kovy=Boucher/Backlund in net


Team: Anyone in the KHL
Odds: 3:1
Reasons to Go: $14 million and a chance to be close to home why NOT take it.
Reasons to Not Go: I heard it's cold in Russia...
Meaning to Flyers: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!


Hope you guys like it.


-Amy

NHL Conference Finals Previews

Since Down Goes Spezza seems to have a mind crazy enough to work in these playoffs. We, the DGS brains, have decided that we are going to sort out this mess

Up first, we have the Western Conference Finals

#2 Chicago and #1 San Jose

San Jose Sharks

Pro: Have dynamic forwards such as Thornton, Heatley, Setoguchi and Marleau who can take over a game and own it.
Con: All of whom are due for their annual postseason choke job.

Pro: Have an experienced goalie in Evgeni Nabokov who played for Team Russia in the Olympics.
Con: And when the going got tough, he choked like the rest of the Sharks

Pro: This year's NHL playoff theme is "History will be made" which is possibly a sign that the Sharks will not choke for a change.
Con: This year's NHL playoff theme is "History will be made" which is possibly a sign that the Sharks will choke in a way so epic that the Bruins won't be remembered as the biggest chokers in 2010.




Chicago Black Hawks

Pro: Have a really versatile player in Dustin Byfuglien who can turn around a game as a shut down defense-man or power forward
Con: May be unable to actually get to the games because of his role in the pizza crawl.

Pro: Have a great set of defense-man such as Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook and Brian Campbell.
Con: It's also possible that Brian Campbell's lack of a collarbone could be a problem.

Pro: Goalie Antti Niemmi has a habit of swallowing pucks and keeping them out of the net.
Con: Of course, sometimes he also loses them altogether.


-Analysis-

Real simple, Sharks choke, and Hawks in 6

#7 Flyers and #8 Canadiens

Flyers

Pro: Totally own the size advantage over them midget Habs forwards
Con: Totally might have issues getting a puck past Halak.

Pro: Will get a momentum lift by getting Jeff Carter back from injury.
Con: Per league rules, will have a goaltender go down to injury as well.

Pro: Mike Leighton is amazing
Con: Mike Leighton has never been this far in the postseason before.




Habs

Pro: Have a set of skilled forwards who can turn a game around.
Con: They're still tiny!

Pro: Halak is an amazing goalie on a Cinderella run.
Con: Look how it turned out for him in the Olympics

Pro: Have shut down Ovechkin and Crosby and Malkin, the 3 best players in the league offensively.
Con: Never had to stop an attack as balanced as the Flyers.


-Analysis-

The Flyers are far too balanced to get downed by the Habs, Flyers in 6. Montreal still riots anyway.

Consolation Prizes for Teams Eliminated in the First Round

So with Round 2 of the Stanley Cup playoffs having begun, many people wonder what the teams who were eliminated are up to. Well, guess what, we here at Down Goes Spezza know what's going on.

For instance some players/teams/coaches have big plans for the offseason. So, for your benefit, here are the big offseason plans of those eliminated in the first round.




Chris Durno: Now can find a way to end up on the Maple Leafs so Down Goes Brown’s Durno dreams can be complete.

Phoenix Coyotes: Are now free to decide where they should move to.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Has plenty of time to mull over the cost/benefit analysis of playing in the KHL

Martin Brodeur: Might actually have time to engage in an offseason conditioning plan, this is helped by the fact that Kyle Wellwood is still playing and therefore Brodeur doesn't have a bueffet buddy. Wait, that means Brodeur is alone in the all you can eat line...

Ottawa Senators: Have plenty of time to keep an eye out for coaches in need of a job for the invariable firing of Cory Clouston 3 weeks into next season, to help them, both John Stevens and Rick Tocchet are available. In related news, whichever guy doesn’t get hired can be the coach 10 weeks into next season when the Senators change coaches again.

Jose Theodore/Peter Budaj: Can be well rested for next year when one becomes the next Flyers starting goalie. By the way guys, the position is cursed, injuries happen.

Mike Green: Lots of time to possibly learn how to play defense, or if that fails, can fall back into acting career.

Alex Ovechkin: Can use the free time to continue to work on his tryout for the Washington Nationals

Alexander Semin: Maybe can actually do something so this way I can make fun of him

Brooks Laich: Can open up a successful tire changing business

Yann Danis: Wait a minute, I think he’s still glued to the bench, has someone told him the season’s over yet?

Washington Capitals Fans: Can hide the biggest weakness of themselves, the fact that they don’t actually know anything about hockey.

Game 7 Preview #2: Habs at Caps

In part two of my entries on Game 7s in the first round, we look at the Eastern Conference, Habs and Captitals.

So we have the 8^th seeded Habs looking to upset top ranked President’s Trophy winning Washington.

Like it was done for the Coyotes/Wings, Down Goes Spezza has all you need to know.

Canadiens:

Pro: Have a set of skilled dynamic forwards who know how to move the puck around the offensive zone

Con: All of whom are less than 5 feet tall

Pro: Have set of strong leaders with playoff experience including Stanley Cup Winners Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez among others

Con: Also have Hal Gill, a free agent once signed by John Ferguson Jr. of the Toronto Maple Leafs

Pro: Will play game 7 in Washington, free of rioters who might try to set the team bus on fire.

Con: Will play game 7 in Washington, free of Belarusian mobsters who may try to make the Capitals disappear

Capitals:

Pro: Have a blue line anchored by Norris Trophy nominee Mike Green who is known for offensive playmaking abilities make him a threat to score at any time

Con: Have a blue line anchored by Trophy nominee Mike Green who is known for defensive playmaking abilities that make the other team a threat to score at any time

Pro: Captain Alex Ovechkin is an incredibly talented scorer who’s known for his ability to bat the puck out of mid air

Con: Coupled with his pitching ability, Ovechkin may be jumping ship to the Washington Nationals

Pro: In a gift to the team to prepare them for the playoffs, Captain Alex Ovechkin had “too hot to handle” sticks made for every player on the team

Con: Sticks were promptly used to start bonfires in post-game riots after game 6 in Montreal leaving the team with sticks that are "slightly warm" instead

Who’s going to win?

It seems the Capitals turned their backs on the series after going up 3-1. And of course, whenever something turns it back on the Capitals, Ovechkin promptly runs it into to the boards effectively destroying it for weeks to come. On the other side, Halak’s followed the tradition of Habs goaltenders started by Carey Price of smoking. Habs take game 7, then promptly get destroyed in the next round when Halak's fire goes out.