The Real Reasons the NJ Devils Are Almost Bankrupt

So, according to the NY Post,  (http://www.nypost.com/p/news/business/devils_in_the_red_Mi3p63lfff0OCTWRIdroxH)

The NJ Devils are possibly bankrupt. As DGS always does, we sent the Super-Spies out to find out why. Needless to say, what they uncovered made us start to smirk.


Reasons the NJ Devils are bankrupt.

1. Not really sure if it's relevant, but Devils ownership is beginning to wonder if they could have saved $100M by leaving Ilya Kovalchuk in LA.

2. Noticed tons of money went missing after one night where John MacLean volunteered to coach the accountants.

3. Team meal expenses have tripled since 1991. Unrelated: Martin Brodeur became a Devil in 1991.

4. Cleaning bills for jelly and broken glass get expensive.

5. Something about "trap" based income where one doesn't market, doesn't invest and expects to turn profits.

6. Brian LOLston.

7. Gary Bettman rejected all income the Devils have made since becoming commissioner on account of "Phoenix Circumvention"

8. Driving the Devil's bankrupt to relocation, fits the NHL's idea of relocating 29 franchises before Phoenix.

9. The Devils are rethinking their idea of trying to beat the Islanders at everything.

10. On second thought, following the Mets business model probably wasn't the best of ideas.

Other NHL Sex Related Scandals

So earlier today Daniel Carcillo tweeted the following:

@OG_CarBomb13: "@BizNasty2point0 weigh in on this. When a girl leans back while fingers r in her and says "my dad would b so proud of me"..turn on or no??"

Needless to say he followed up with an apology and then a tweet about going

@OG_CarBomb13: "Goin' commando in N.Y. Feeling so free!"

Now, Daniel Carcillo isn't the first NHL player to have a problem with sexist comments as a matter of fact the NHL is littered with tons of sex issues, here's some of the lowlights.

• December 2008: Sean Avery makes a comment about sloppy seconds. Later in 2010, after a long steady diet of lithium and anti-psychotics, he vows to stand by any gay NHL player who wants to come out of the closet
  
  
• September 2005: Soon after the NHL lockout ends, fans all across the NHL begin questioning the sexuality of one Sidney Crosby.
  
  
• October 2010: James Wisniewski tells Sean Avery to "blow me" marking Wis as being the first NHL player to tell Avery something everyone has wanted to do for years.
  
  
• May 2011: A woman takes a picture of a sleeping Patrick Kane and his boarding pass, come to think of it, why hasn't this happened more often? Also, in a more important question, how did Pat Kane think he was getting to the airport since I'm pretty sure no cabbie would drive him anymore?
  
  
• January 2010: Patrick Kane is photographed shirtless in the back of a limo. The obvious question here is 'does Pat Kane treat limo drivers like he does cabbies?' The second question, "When was Patrick Kane last sober?"
  
  
• June 2008: During the month of June 2008, Brian Rolston discovered a sex-tape of Devils GM Lou Lamoriello, because quite honestly, this is the only explanation for a contract that terrible.
  
  
• July 1996: Todd Bertuzzi gets married, marking the first time a human being has ever married an slimy invertebrate.
  
  
• December 2009: Jeff Carter texts teammate Scott Hartnell that he's going out shopping with wife Lisa for some new outfits so he can look good while picking up women, talk about a text that totally got interpreted wrong.
  
  
• Sometime in say 2004 to present: DGS was accused of kissing girls; and he liked it...something involving the taste of her cherry chapstick
  
  
• Sometime in 2003: Martin Brodeur engages in an affair with his wife's brother's wife. All in all, this makes Chris Pronger look far less slimy.
  
• Since 2001: Pregnancies in Detroit have been increasing exponentially due to the fact that Pavel Datsyuk can impregnate women with dekes.
  
• May 2009: BizNasty graduated with his degree in "Panty Soup." Enough said.
  
• Since 2002: Pierre McGuire has creeped out NHL-ers everywhere by calling games. 

(Editor's Note: RIP Derek Boogaard, you will be missed. 28 is too young for anyone to go.)

Ilya Kovalchuk comes clean about why he got scratched.

So tonight, the world was shocked when Ilya Kovalchuk was scratched by the Devils for last night's game. Luckily the DGS-SuperSpies were able to get a hold of Ilya after the game and ask him what was going on. With that, we have Ilya's reasons for why he got scratched, straight from his mouth.

(Editor's note: We were gonna run another psych profile today, but DGS had to go hurt his knee during a pickup hockey game)

• Needed time to be schooled in the idea of playing defensively on the ice
• Has a little known "reverse Escrow clause" in his contract, he gets paid 100% of his contract but will miss 18% of games over the 15 years.
• Needed to visit his shrink to talk about the depression of spending 15 years in NJ.
• Just realized that he agreed to spend 15 years in NJ
• Threw a hissy fit because Martin Brodeur ate his pregame meal
• Told the coaching staff he wanted a "nap time" clause during games in the manner of Ondrej Pavelec
• Had to fulfill his role as a Russian Spy.
• Wanted to fly back to Russia to have his family from famine caused by Kyle Wellwood playing in the KHL.
• Didn't see the need to dress as Buffalo lacks enforcers. (Stick tap to Kevin S. of In Lou We Trust)

NHL 2010-2011 Season Preview: Atlantic Division

I saved the best for last, the Atlantic Division. How are things gonna shape up here, DGS has the answers.

Pittsburgh Penguins

The Good: Max Talbot will be able to pick out every douche in the NHL and deliver a list of them to us.

The Bad: After Crosby and Malkin, the Penguins severely lack forward talent capable of scoring 120 points a season.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will be coddled by Gary Bettman's permanent man crush on Cindy Crosby

New York Islanders

The Good: Will have a guaranteed top 5 pick in the NHL draft due to playing 24 games against the Flyers, Penguins, Rangers and Devils all of which the Islanders will lose.

The Bad: Will run out of get well cards for Rick DiPietro by November.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the Democrats are able to push universal health care in the United States through in order to save on medical bills for DiPietro

New York Rangers

The Good: Will in fact win all 6 games against the Islanders due to the fact that they have Martin Biron.

The Bad: Will at some point sign Kyle Wellwood to a Redden-like contract.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope to every divine being known the man that Gaborik can avoid Dan Carcillo.

New Jersey Devils

The Good:

Signed shot blocking specialist Anton Volchenkov to throw his body in the way of any jars of jelly that Lou decides to throw.

The Bad: Have fallen victim to the fact that apparently the CBA matters.

Secret Strategy for the New Season:

Will fatten Brodeur up to the point where he covers the entire net even if pad free.

Philadelphia Flyers

The Good: Filled the "Craptastic Defensemen" void left by the departure of Ryan Parent with Andrej "Big Mesz" Meszaros.

The Bad: Now have to face the defending Stanley Cup champions in 4 rematches as the Hawks now play in the Eastern Conference

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have infinite hope in the idea that opposing shooters will never hit the net as they die laughing from realizing what the Flyers goaltending quality is.

What type of player are you? Part 2

A few days ago, Kevin Burgundy from Stay Classy wrote a post about what kind of hockey player are you. I noticed that his list was incomplete. Needless to say, emails were exchanged and with his consent I decided to do part 2 of the list.

Last time I did this, it turned into a fairly moderate success, I partnered up with Don't Trade Vinny on that one when we did our misused hockey terms. This is what DTV had, and the official DGS reply.

So with the consent of the writer, here I go.

I'll start with what I wrote in the comments section of the original post.

The Jeff Carter: When not scoring on the ice, I score with my winger’s wife off it.

The Ian Laperriere: Block shots to the point where I have no face left.

The Chris Pronger: Use my elbows to leave opposing players looking up at me

The Stay-In The Kitchen Defensemen: A stay home defensemen with agoraphobia.
NHL Comparables: Wade Redden, Andrej Meszaros, every current blueliner on the Dallas Stars

The DJ-Goaltender: A goalie who loves strobe lights and goal horns followed by music.
NHL Comparables: Vesa ToskaLOL, Andrew Raycroft, CristoLOL Huet (Kevin added Pascal LOL-claire)

The True Stay At Home D-man: A defensemen who really stays at home, even when under pressure.NHL Comparables: Sami Salo, Mike Van Ryn, Paul Ranger

Moving on.


The Patient Forward: This guy is known for always being patient. As in a patient at the local hospital waiting for MRIs because he's always hurt.
NHL Examples: Marian Gaborik, Simon Gagne, Doug Weight, Paul Kariya

The Harry Potter: This guy is known for being totally invisible, like Harry Potter when under the Invisibility Cloak. You just never see him do anything even when he's on the ice.
NHL Examples: Lee Stempniak, Joe Thornton and Alex Semin during the post-season,

The Grinder (or hoagie, sub, sandwich): This guy loves his food. Enough said.
NHL Examples: Martin Brodeur, Tim Thomas, Kyle Wellwood

The Rioter: This guy is really talented, but he's somewhat reckless and therefore violence always seem to follow him, especially when he's playing well.
NHL Examples: Steve Downie, Dan Carcillo, every Montreal Canadiens player who caused a riot during the 2010 playoff run.

The Houdini Defensemen: This guy always seems to pull a disappearing act, especially when in the Defensive Zone.
NHL Examples: Mike Green, Tomas Kaberle, Lukas Krajicek, The Boston Bruins after the 1st period of Game 7 against the Flyers

The We Have A Legend Only Not: This guy shares a nickname with an NHL legend, too bad he doesn't play like one.
NHL Examples: Robert Esche, Ryan Parent, The 4th NHL Staal brother: Jarrett Stoll

The Smart Guy: This guy always seems to use his head or the heads of others to help his team out.
NHL Examples: Ian Laperriere, Roman Cechmanek, Goalies playing behind Keith Ballard

The Psycho-analyst: This guy likes to get into the heads of opponents in order to make sure that his team always the psychological advantage. He usually does simple things to amuse the simple minds of his opponents.
NHL Examples: Chris Pronger, Steve Yzerman when proposing trades to Paul Holmgren



There you go, now you know

 

Sunday Brunch: A Discussion of Hilariously Hypothetical Things Related to the NHL, part 4

Good morning DGS Readers. Once again, it's Sunday, and we're serving brunch at DGS. What's that mean? It means that we have a question that we want answered in the funniest way possible. Who's gonna answer it? YOU ARE! the DGS readers! we love hearing from you.

So anyway, here we go.

Kyle Wellwood, Tim Thomas and Martin Brodeur walk into a restaurant that may or may not be an "all you can buffet" the reason why it's that way, the restaurant is owned by Stephane Auger and we all know what happens when he's in charge of something. Needless to say, how does this go down? (besides in a greasy, fattening mess of fried chicken)

The Winds of Change are Blowing: NHL Relocations for 2010-11

Like many offseasons, this summer has seen a lot of movement in the NHL, and I don't just mean trades and free agency, which have been oddly quiet. Some of it may be confusing for a casual fan who didn't follow the news as it happened. Luckily we here at DGS have compiled the following guide to help you understand what's been moved around.

• The Chicago Blackhawks moved the team to Atlanta in the weeks following their Stanley Cup win, this was done in order to hide the Stanley Cup from the Daley Political Machine who would probably try to steal it. In the words of Rod Blagojevich "I got this cup, and it's fucking silver."
• The Philadelphia Flyers and Montreal Canadiens recently started a joint business venture to do the unthinkable: bring the NHL to Tampa, Florida. This new project, tentatively called "the Tampa Bay Lightning" is made up of Habs and Flyers castoffs like Dominic Moore and Simon Gagne, they'll be coached by the Habs AHL Hamilton Bulldogs coaching staff and are slated to play in the Southeast Division of the Eastern Conference, Habs owner Mike Leighton has yet to comment on the deal. I wish them the best of luck.
• A certain GM named Sutter opened up a "Blast from the Past" Museum in Calgary by picking up former Flames like Olli Jokinen. In order to avoid being a one trick pony, Sutter also showcases a list of "Former Maple Leafs" exhibit.
  
• Vesa Toskala has been forced to relocate to Finland, but only because the Finns apparently can't kick Finnish citizens out of Finland. However, with the way things are going in Philadelphia, it's safe to assume he's gonna be their starting goalie by December. (GOD HELP US ALL!)
  
• In a case of things NOT being moved, the Edmonton Oilers still in fact, play in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
• Sami Salo recently attempted to move a muscle landing him in the ER again, however, this actually led to him being placed in a padded room to prevent him from hurting himself while performing basic day-to-day tasks. He promptly broke his jaw while attempting to chew his liquid breakfast shake.
• In order to maximize the summer vacations he has every year, Brian Burke will continue to look to relocate all his draft picks so as to avoid having to take time off from his vacations in order to draft players.
• Denis Grebeshkov relocated himself to the KHL allowing him to play in his native Russia. Honestly, after spending 2.5 years in Edmonton and then trying to play hockey in Nashville, I'd probably try to do the same thing.
• Paul Holmgren gave Andrej Meszaros another shot at playing in the NHL after he disappeared for the last 2 years. This is because Holmgren saw what bringing in a bad contract did with the Habs after they took on Scott Gomez's salary, and how the Hawks won a cup with Brian Campbell and CristoLOL Huet on their team. He still has the last laugh as we all know the Rangers are still stuck with Wade Redden.
• Mike Modano is attempting to relocate himself somewhere, anywhere, he's sure he wants to go, but sadly no one's letting him in when he knocks.
• Tomas Kaberle has yet to be relocated, but only because of the hypocrisy of Brian Burke, he demands a top-6 forward for him, which means he should have dealt Kaberle to the Flyers for Andrej Meszaros by now, as after checking the Leafs depth chart, I'm pretty sure Mesz could fit in there.
• Johan Hedberg relocated himself to the easiest NHL job on the planet, backing up Martin Brodeur of the NJ Devils, this job entails only one responsibility, making sure that Lou can't get his hands on any jars of jelly.
• The Phoenix Coyotes are actively attempting to move the entire team and every trace of it to Winnipeg. As if hockey ever existed there...
• Mike Green was allegedly relocated to the Capitals defense corps, however, after scouring hours of video, there is no known evidence of Mike Green actually playing defense.
• Max Talbot relocated himself to be the temporary hot topic of the NHL by calling Alex Ovechkin a "douche". While it is refreshing to see Sidney Crosby on the back burner for 20 seconds, it's hard to understand what the big deal over Talbot stating a well known fact is. Also, inb4 Andy Sutton asks "are you an expert?" Max Talbot better know a douche when he sees one, he plays on a team with Matt Cooke and Sidney Crosby in a league where Gary Bettman is the commissioner.
  
• Speaking of people calling people names and getting in the news for it, where the hell did Sean Avery run off to? I haven't heard of him saying anything in over 2 months.
• Antti Niemi will soon relocate to the KHL after no NHL team pays the 6,250,000 the arbitrator gives him because of Niemi's argument that he DID play better than CristoLOL Huet.
• Speaking of KHL relocations, Evgeni Nabokov relocated to the KHL because after years of watching Joe Thornton choke at the thought of running into a Chris Pronger elbow during the postseason, Nabby couldn't bear to play a whole season with Chris Pronger's elbows that close to his skull. Honestly, did Holmgren forget to tell him that Keith Ballard is NOT a Flyer?
• In another story involving non-relocation, the NHL will still be on Versus next year, meaning you probably will never have to worry about seeing its existence.
  

Hockey Dictionary For Dummies

So, last Friday I got called a "Puck Bunny" in a totally hilarious gaffe by our friends at Don't Trade Vinny. He then posted a series of other misused hockey terms. We here at Down Goes Spezza noticed that his list was somewhat incomplete and in the interest of public knowledge, we have decided it best to include some other highly misused terms in hockey.



"Back to [player name] at point position"

Implied Meaning: Phrase used by Versus/Washington Caps television announcer Joe Beninati to explain a puck that has been passed back to a D-man on the Blue Line

Actual Meaning: In a stroke of luck, Beninati actually sounds intelligent when he says this because normally he sounds like a guy who knows nothing about hockey. In all fairness, he doesn't realize that he is getting this right, and is probably attempting to say "the puck is passed back to the player that I'm pointing to" but screws it up like he does everything hockey related.



"Flyers Starting Goaltender"

Implied Meaning: The goalie in net for the Philadelphia Flyers

Actual Meaning: Some guy who doesn't need crutches and hasn't had an MRI in the last 2 weeks.


"Flyers Backup Goaltender"

Implied Meaning: The goalie on the bench for the Philadelphia Flyers

Actual Meaning: An anonymous face that's about to get 45 minutes of NHL time when the guy ahead of him gets hurt. Also, more people have held this title then heads taken off by Matt Cooke.


"Ian Laperriere has a broken face"

Implied Meaning: That Lappy is hurt and unable to play.

Actual Meaning: Lappy blocked a shot, but he is good to go.


"Non-Successful Southern Expansion"

Implied Meaning: The idea that hockey would work in places like Phoenix, Atlanta, Tampa, Miami or LA.

Actual Meaning: Ask Sami Salo.





"Happy Habs Fans"

Implied Meaning: Fans of the Montreal Canadiens are joyful because of a win.

Actual Meaning: Break out the riot gear, there will be flaming cars and debris everywhere in downtown Montreal.



"John Ferguson Jr's GM Skills"

Implied Meaning: John Ferguson Jr. made a decision while GM that helped the team he was employed for.

Actual Meaning: The secret of the Bruins that allowed them to last in the 2010 Stanley Cup Playoffs until the second round.



"Toronto Maple Leafs 1st Round Draft Pick"

Implied Meaning: The pick the Leafs will have in this years NHL Entry Draft

Actual Meaning: PHIILL KEESSSSEELLLL!!!!!!


"Brodeur's Pads"

Implied Meaning: The goalie equipment of the NJ Devils netminder, Martin Brodeur.

Actual Meaning: The buildup of last weeks trip to the buffet line

Consolation Prizes for Teams Eliminated in the First Round

So with Round 2 of the Stanley Cup playoffs having begun, many people wonder what the teams who were eliminated are up to. Well, guess what, we here at Down Goes Spezza know what's going on.

For instance some players/teams/coaches have big plans for the offseason. So, for your benefit, here are the big offseason plans of those eliminated in the first round.




Chris Durno: Now can find a way to end up on the Maple Leafs so Down Goes Brown’s Durno dreams can be complete.

Phoenix Coyotes: Are now free to decide where they should move to.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Has plenty of time to mull over the cost/benefit analysis of playing in the KHL

Martin Brodeur: Might actually have time to engage in an offseason conditioning plan, this is helped by the fact that Kyle Wellwood is still playing and therefore Brodeur doesn't have a bueffet buddy. Wait, that means Brodeur is alone in the all you can eat line...

Ottawa Senators: Have plenty of time to keep an eye out for coaches in need of a job for the invariable firing of Cory Clouston 3 weeks into next season, to help them, both John Stevens and Rick Tocchet are available. In related news, whichever guy doesn’t get hired can be the coach 10 weeks into next season when the Senators change coaches again.

Jose Theodore/Peter Budaj: Can be well rested for next year when one becomes the next Flyers starting goalie. By the way guys, the position is cursed, injuries happen.

Mike Green: Lots of time to possibly learn how to play defense, or if that fails, can fall back into acting career.

Alex Ovechkin: Can use the free time to continue to work on his tryout for the Washington Nationals

Alexander Semin: Maybe can actually do something so this way I can make fun of him

Brooks Laich: Can open up a successful tire changing business

Yann Danis: Wait a minute, I think he’s still glued to the bench, has someone told him the season’s over yet?

Washington Capitals Fans: Can hide the biggest weakness of themselves, the fact that they don’t actually know anything about hockey.

Flyers 4 Devils 1,

Game 4 has gone final...

Flyers 4, Devils 1

Flyers lead series 3-1

Well, in short, after an early game PK issue, the Flyers finally got on track and dominated the Devils to take a commanding 3 games to 1 lead in the best of 7 series. For any fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs who may be reading this blog, I will pause now so you can look up what "playoffs" are.

What we learned:

Ilya Kovalchuk doesn't fit in the Devils system.

Seriously, even when he scores, he doesn't seem like he is helping his team. Kovi doesn't seem like a team player, and in a system that stresses discipline like the Devils, he doesn't fit.

Martin Brodeur isn't that good anymore.

I've been saying this for years. Brodeur was made by the D in front of him. Is he one of the top 5 of all the time, maybe, top 10, surely. But right now, in 2010, Brodeur is nothing special. As my blogging idol Mr. Down Goes Brown would put it, Brodeur might be as fat as Kyle Wellwood.
Don't believe me, you should.

The Flyers are finally playing to their potential.

The Flyers are playing like the team they were hyped to be back in September. And they're doing in front of Brian Boucher. Jeff Carter finally came out of his scoring funk and Dan Carcillo continued to wreck the Devils with his scoring touch. Yeah, I'm on the Carcillo bandwagon now, and I missed Upshall for a while after his trade.

Peter Laviolette knows how to use a timeout

He drew up the play that led to the goal that put the game out of reach. The Devils are in trouble, and all the pressure is on them. Now Lavi needs to keep outcoaching
the Devils so the Flyers can wrap this up on Thursday.

Flyers 3, Devils 2

Game 3 goes final:

Flyers 3, Devils 2 OT

Flyers lead series 2-1

Game 4: at Wachovia Center, Philadelphia, Tuesday @ 7pm



A nail-biter right to end with a dude named Carbomb grinding out a GWG. I smell an upset here.

What we learned tonight:

With all due respect to my blogging prophet Mr. Down Goes Brown, I think it's safe to say that Ilya Kovalchuk is officially harder to find than Lee Stempniak in Toronto. Ilya's been shut down by the Flyers defense. Also, Martin Brodeur's stopped a lot of shots, but in the end, he's human and beatable.

The Flyers can in fact win for Brian Boucher, contrary to what the regular season showed us. With this momentum, the Flyers are moving ahead and since they won in OT, I think they've seized control of this series. With that, to the rest of the NHL: WATCH OUT! Philly is finally playing the Cup contender they are.

Come on Flyers! More to come from me after Game 4

Flyers/Devils Thoughts

Devils 5 Flyers 3
Series Tied 1-1

Game 3, Sunday 6pm EDT in Philadelphia

The Flyers played well tonight, but the Devils seemed like the hungrier, albeit, undisciplined team. Props to Brian Boucher keeping the Orange and Black in it til the end. Now, to not dwell on the past, let's see what we learned.

Ilya Kovalchuk may have gotten the piano off his back with the empty netter, this could make things dangerous for the Flyers if he finds his game.

Claude Giroux is the real deal, once again, another game filled with crazy dekes and great passes, Giroux is an elite playmaker in the making

Brian Boucher and Marty Brodeur are sure making this seem like 2000 again. Luckily for the Flyers, the big, game changing d-man in the 2010 edition of the rivalry is Chris Pronger, and he wears orange. [Side plus of not having Lindros around either]

Game 3:

Another close one, these great teams should go 7, and I got the Flyers taking it.

Until next time, this