Rejected All Star Skills Competition Ideas

Many people look forward to All Star weekend not just for the game itself, but also for the skills competition. What many people don't realize, is that due to time constraints several other events have been removed from the skills competition, luckily the DGS SuperSpies have found the list of events that were scrapped.


The Event: Bad Contract Roulette
How It Worked: A roulette wheel would be placed and each captain would try to stick his opponent with the contracts of terrible players like Ville Leino and Scott Gomez
Reason for Taking It Out: AHL players like Matt Walker and Wade Redden aren't allowed at the NHL All Star Game.


The Event: Dodge The Elbows
How It Worked: Players would skate around the ice dodging obstacles like Chris Pronger's left elbow and Matt Cooke's right forearm while attempting to handle the puck
Reason for Taking It Out: Matt Cooke seems to have cleaned up his act and Chris Pronger has gone the way of Marc Savard.


The Event: Diving Competition
How It Worked: All Stars would make like Summer Olympians and do a diving competition, complete with judges and everything
Reason for Taking It Out: Every single season, the Sedins would win.



The Event: Big Eats
How It Worked: A buffet would be laid out, and each team would see who could consume more food in the allotted team
Reason for Taking It Out: A small problem arose, Martin Brodeur is no longer an All Star goalie capable of challenging Tim Thomas.


The Event: ECHL Future Stars Game
How It Worked: A group of ECHL players would get to play giving hope to teams who employ Steve Mason and Brett Lebda that maybe some better players would arrive.
Reason for Taking It Out: Anchorage, Alaska; Elmira, New York; Trenton, NJ and Gwinnett Georgia are all considered better places to live than Columbus, Ohio.


Even though these events are gone, one still remains. During the actual All-Star Game we can watch players perform the 2 following events-

1: Play More Defense Than Mike Green

2: Loaf around the Neutral Zone more than Alex Kovalev

It Could Be Worse Folks...It Could Be a Lot Worse

The emails and tweets and Facebook messages I've been getting from Flyers fans you'd think Mr. Camping was right and the world had ended. Things could be worse folks, in fact, it could be like this....


The Flyers could have a history that involves 0 playoff wins and impending relocation to Winnipeg; apologies to the Atlanta Thrashers.

The Flyers could be named after a Disney movie; apologies to the Anaheim Ducks

The Flyers could be playing home games in Columbus, OH; apologies to the Blue Jackets and their one fan.

The Flyers could have imploded completely about half way through the season and missed the playoffs entirely, apologies to the Colorado Avalanche.

The Flyers could have acquired a goalie and at the cost of the defensive depth needed to fully utilize that goalie's skills. This is why the Hurricanes missed the playoffs

The Flyers could be run by Sutters, apologies to the Calgary Flames.

The Flyers could be known as the team that tries to use stanchions to decapitate players AND has a doctor on the ice at all times named Recchi; forget it, I'm not apologizing the Boston...

The Flyers could be stuck in Buffalo, apologies to the Buffalo Sabres that aren't named Miller, Gaustad, Myers or Kaleta and a wish that Steve Whyno gets transferred to Buffalo.

The Flyers could have the most annoying goal song ever and a backup goalie with a gambling problem, apologies to the Blackhawks. (If anyone can do better, I'll edit this one)

The Flyers could have massive ownership problems and be stuck in Texas, apologies to the Dallas Stars.

The Flyers could be forced to put a slimy, spineless, dirtball on the ice every game; thank GOD Detroit won't let Todd Bertuzzi go.

The Flyers could be the Edmonton Oilers.

The Flyers could be losing the one bright spot of their franchise and be left with nothing, apologies to the Florida Panthers, welcome to Tomas Vokoun, may I measure you for pads and a #29 Flyers sweater.

The Flyers could move west, and break their legs, and still be coached by Terry Murray and John Stevens, apologies to the LA Kings, please don't let Hextall beat me up.

The Flyers could have given a 7+ cap hit out to a player crippling their cap situation, apologies to Mikko Koivu and the Wild.

The Flyers could have riots after every single playoff game, pardon moi, Montreal.

The Flyers could have goaltending and D, but no scoring punch at all, ever, oh yeah, and they wouldn't know the meaning of the phrase "Conference Finals" apologies to Nashville.

The Flyers could be ducking jelly and have been coached by John MacLean for half a season, LOL DEVILS LOL!

Glen Sather could be taking over for Paul Holmgren tomorrow, Oh Rangers, please don't ever change.

Rick DiPietro could be a Flyer, with that 15yr contract. LOLanders.

The Ottawa Senators are a joke in and of themselves thanks to Jason Spezza's neutral zone drop passes to the other team and Chris Phillips being a total traffic pylon and Cory Clouston's odd coaching moves and Brian Murray's signings of players like Sergei Gonchar and Alex Kovalev and the fact that well, apologies to the 5 Senators fans on the planet who have to deal with that crap.

The Flyers could be the Phoenix Coyotes, where no one ever cares about them and everyone wants them in Hamilton, Ontario; apologies to Jim Balsillie for NOT being able to make this happen.

The Flyers could employ Matt Cooke and he might you know, take off a teammates head during practice, PenGOONs

The Flyers could choke every single postseason ever despite always finishing first in the conference, apologies to the San Jose Sharks.

The Flyers could lose a ton of money on silly ideas like giving season ticket holders their money back if the team misses the playoffs, apologies to the St. Louis Blues.

The Flyers could employ a midget and a bunch of hypocrites regarding spin-o-ramas, apologies to Simon Gagne, Dwayne Roloson and Sean Bergenheim only.

The Flyers could be owned by Harold Ballard and have John Ferguson Jr. as GM at the same time, apologies to the Toronto Maple Leafs, the only team with a Cup drought longer than the Flyers. 1967 happened BEFORE 1975.

The Flyers could be more concerned with getting spots on the 2012 Olympic diving teams rather than winning games all while being paranoid the world is out to get them, sound familiar Vancouver Canucks?

The Flyers could have faux-hawks and ride mopeds and do other douchey things like that; apologies to Washington Capitals fans who actually understand hockey, I know 3 of you.






See, it's not so bad...is it?

Things Other People in the NHL want for Christmas

Yesterday we showed you what the Flyers want for Christmas, well, we also found out what the rest of the NHL wants for Christmas, here's what we found out.


Taylor Hall: To hopefully get a chance to play on an NHL team.

The New Jersey Devils: That the CBA is followed and Kovalchuk's contract is voided.

Brian Burke: Tyler Seguin and a 2011 Lottery pick

Mike Green: Someone who can teach me how to play defense...oh crap, I got Scott Hannan instead

Henrik and Daniel Sedin: A triplet who's identical to us as well

Toronto Maple Leafs Fans: Free therapy from a psychologist...and not Down Goes Spezza

Sheldon Souray: Nothing, I finally got the fuck out of Edmonton

Sidney Crosby: A real wing

Colin Campbell: The ability to use a BlackBerry

Gary Bettman: Expansion to Havana, Mexico City, San Juan, Cairo, and Death Valley...if necessary teams will be removed from Toronto, Detroit, Montreal and Chicago

Don't Trade Vinny: A date with Marty St Louis

NHL 2010-2011 Season Previews: Southeast Division

Part 4 of the series is here. Today were looking at the southeast division. By the way, Max Talbot called and told me that I need to call Alex Ovechkin a douche. I don't know if I actually will, but hey, you never know.

Florida Panthers

The Good: Sports interest in Miami is now buzzing due to the acquisitions of LeBron James and Chris Bosh along with Wade's decision to stay.

The Bad: This has absolutely nothing to do with hockey.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Goalies for the Panthers no longer have to worry about being decapitated by Keith Ballard.

Carolina Hurricanes

The Good: Are set up with plenty of early first round picks coming from their tank job that should continue for another 3-4 years.

The Bad: After losing Michael Leighton to the Flyers and not resigning Manny Legace, the 'Canes now only have 1 goalie with Stanley Cup experience in Cam Ward.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope that other teams take pity on them and allow them to face 82 games of backup goaltenders.

Tampa Bay Lightning

The Good: New General Manager Steve Yzerman is a Jedi which will allow him to hopefully keep evil Sith Lord Darth Ellis in check. (Question Time: How many Twitter meltdowns does Ellis have during the season?)

The Bad: Will constantly be distracted by rumors of trading Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis, and Simon Gagne to the Canadiens for PK Subban and Carey Price as well as having to pay attention to what Dan Ellis says on Twitter.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will at some point, convince the Flyers to trade Jeff Carter for Paul Ranger.

Washington Capitals

The Good: Because of the tire-changing prowess of Brooks Laich, the Capitals will never be late to games due to flat tires.

The Bad: Like the US Congress, the team will be loaded with plenty of potential but will not actually get anything positive done when it matters.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the NHL teams fall victim to the idea that Mike Green is a defensemen when in fact he actually plays forward.

Atlanta Blackhawks...Thrashers

The Good: As of last check of the team's roster with players like Byfuglien, Kane and Ladd, they are the defending Stanley Cup Champions

The Bad: The team may suffer from an identity crisis as the Cup winning players will have a hard time adjusting to playing in the empty arenas of the Southeast Division.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will do everything they did last season when the team played in Chicago and hope that it works again.

What type of player are you? Part 2

A few days ago, Kevin Burgundy from Stay Classy wrote a post about what kind of hockey player are you. I noticed that his list was incomplete. Needless to say, emails were exchanged and with his consent I decided to do part 2 of the list.

Last time I did this, it turned into a fairly moderate success, I partnered up with Don't Trade Vinny on that one when we did our misused hockey terms. This is what DTV had, and the official DGS reply.

So with the consent of the writer, here I go.

I'll start with what I wrote in the comments section of the original post.

The Jeff Carter: When not scoring on the ice, I score with my winger’s wife off it.

The Ian Laperriere: Block shots to the point where I have no face left.

The Chris Pronger: Use my elbows to leave opposing players looking up at me

The Stay-In The Kitchen Defensemen: A stay home defensemen with agoraphobia.
NHL Comparables: Wade Redden, Andrej Meszaros, every current blueliner on the Dallas Stars

The DJ-Goaltender: A goalie who loves strobe lights and goal horns followed by music.
NHL Comparables: Vesa ToskaLOL, Andrew Raycroft, CristoLOL Huet (Kevin added Pascal LOL-claire)

The True Stay At Home D-man: A defensemen who really stays at home, even when under pressure.NHL Comparables: Sami Salo, Mike Van Ryn, Paul Ranger

Moving on.


The Patient Forward: This guy is known for always being patient. As in a patient at the local hospital waiting for MRIs because he's always hurt.
NHL Examples: Marian Gaborik, Simon Gagne, Doug Weight, Paul Kariya

The Harry Potter: This guy is known for being totally invisible, like Harry Potter when under the Invisibility Cloak. You just never see him do anything even when he's on the ice.
NHL Examples: Lee Stempniak, Joe Thornton and Alex Semin during the post-season,

The Grinder (or hoagie, sub, sandwich): This guy loves his food. Enough said.
NHL Examples: Martin Brodeur, Tim Thomas, Kyle Wellwood

The Rioter: This guy is really talented, but he's somewhat reckless and therefore violence always seem to follow him, especially when he's playing well.
NHL Examples: Steve Downie, Dan Carcillo, every Montreal Canadiens player who caused a riot during the 2010 playoff run.

The Houdini Defensemen: This guy always seems to pull a disappearing act, especially when in the Defensive Zone.
NHL Examples: Mike Green, Tomas Kaberle, Lukas Krajicek, The Boston Bruins after the 1st period of Game 7 against the Flyers

The We Have A Legend Only Not: This guy shares a nickname with an NHL legend, too bad he doesn't play like one.
NHL Examples: Robert Esche, Ryan Parent, The 4th NHL Staal brother: Jarrett Stoll

The Smart Guy: This guy always seems to use his head or the heads of others to help his team out.
NHL Examples: Ian Laperriere, Roman Cechmanek, Goalies playing behind Keith Ballard

The Psycho-analyst: This guy likes to get into the heads of opponents in order to make sure that his team always the psychological advantage. He usually does simple things to amuse the simple minds of his opponents.
NHL Examples: Chris Pronger, Steve Yzerman when proposing trades to Paul Holmgren



There you go, now you know

 

An Open Letter: Arron Asham

In the words of FlyersBuzzTap's Tweet: "Ashes to Ashes, Dust to dust, Arron Asham, you're dead to us"

(Notice the correct use of citations via the link)

Anyway, the peeps of DGS have decided to write Asham an open letter telling him how we feel about this; so here goes...

Dear Mr. Asham,

I guess we shouldn't be surprised that you'd jump right to the enemy. Arguably it wasn't your fault. But it sure seems like you recently have had a habit of fucking over your previous employers. Hell you went from the Islanders, to the Devils to the Flyers to the Penguins...guess this means you plan on being Whore-vechkin's bodyguard in 2011-2012 doesn't it? Seriously, show some fucking loyalty. The fans of Philadelphia embraced you, and of 700K is all you wanted, I'm pretty sure even Paul Holmgren could have found the money to sign you.

I'd wish you luck in your future endeavors but in reality, the only thing I should be doing is wishing the fans of Penguins luck when you show up in 2011-12 wearing a Capitals uniform.

I mean, the only place I law less loyalty is how Dallas handled Mike Modano, and that's saying something.

On the other hand, you're a great reminder of NHL94, you occasionally sneak slapshots by unsuspecting goalies and have this one deke move that you used to out maneuver Mike Green and Jose Theodore in 2009. Honestly, that's not much of a accomplishment, going around a forward then beating Steve Penney with a wrist shot isn't much to be proud of. But hey, that's all your good at.

Thanks for the memories, you're gonna forget them all when Pronger's elbow meets your skull.

Down Goes Spezza and the Orange Nation

The Winds of Change are Blowing: NHL Relocations for 2010-11

Like many offseasons, this summer has seen a lot of movement in the NHL, and I don't just mean trades and free agency, which have been oddly quiet. Some of it may be confusing for a casual fan who didn't follow the news as it happened. Luckily we here at DGS have compiled the following guide to help you understand what's been moved around.

• The Chicago Blackhawks moved the team to Atlanta in the weeks following their Stanley Cup win, this was done in order to hide the Stanley Cup from the Daley Political Machine who would probably try to steal it. In the words of Rod Blagojevich "I got this cup, and it's fucking silver."
• The Philadelphia Flyers and Montreal Canadiens recently started a joint business venture to do the unthinkable: bring the NHL to Tampa, Florida. This new project, tentatively called "the Tampa Bay Lightning" is made up of Habs and Flyers castoffs like Dominic Moore and Simon Gagne, they'll be coached by the Habs AHL Hamilton Bulldogs coaching staff and are slated to play in the Southeast Division of the Eastern Conference, Habs owner Mike Leighton has yet to comment on the deal. I wish them the best of luck.
• A certain GM named Sutter opened up a "Blast from the Past" Museum in Calgary by picking up former Flames like Olli Jokinen. In order to avoid being a one trick pony, Sutter also showcases a list of "Former Maple Leafs" exhibit.
  
• Vesa Toskala has been forced to relocate to Finland, but only because the Finns apparently can't kick Finnish citizens out of Finland. However, with the way things are going in Philadelphia, it's safe to assume he's gonna be their starting goalie by December. (GOD HELP US ALL!)
  
• In a case of things NOT being moved, the Edmonton Oilers still in fact, play in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
• Sami Salo recently attempted to move a muscle landing him in the ER again, however, this actually led to him being placed in a padded room to prevent him from hurting himself while performing basic day-to-day tasks. He promptly broke his jaw while attempting to chew his liquid breakfast shake.
• In order to maximize the summer vacations he has every year, Brian Burke will continue to look to relocate all his draft picks so as to avoid having to take time off from his vacations in order to draft players.
• Denis Grebeshkov relocated himself to the KHL allowing him to play in his native Russia. Honestly, after spending 2.5 years in Edmonton and then trying to play hockey in Nashville, I'd probably try to do the same thing.
• Paul Holmgren gave Andrej Meszaros another shot at playing in the NHL after he disappeared for the last 2 years. This is because Holmgren saw what bringing in a bad contract did with the Habs after they took on Scott Gomez's salary, and how the Hawks won a cup with Brian Campbell and CristoLOL Huet on their team. He still has the last laugh as we all know the Rangers are still stuck with Wade Redden.
• Mike Modano is attempting to relocate himself somewhere, anywhere, he's sure he wants to go, but sadly no one's letting him in when he knocks.
• Tomas Kaberle has yet to be relocated, but only because of the hypocrisy of Brian Burke, he demands a top-6 forward for him, which means he should have dealt Kaberle to the Flyers for Andrej Meszaros by now, as after checking the Leafs depth chart, I'm pretty sure Mesz could fit in there.
• Johan Hedberg relocated himself to the easiest NHL job on the planet, backing up Martin Brodeur of the NJ Devils, this job entails only one responsibility, making sure that Lou can't get his hands on any jars of jelly.
• The Phoenix Coyotes are actively attempting to move the entire team and every trace of it to Winnipeg. As if hockey ever existed there...
• Mike Green was allegedly relocated to the Capitals defense corps, however, after scouring hours of video, there is no known evidence of Mike Green actually playing defense.
• Max Talbot relocated himself to be the temporary hot topic of the NHL by calling Alex Ovechkin a "douche". While it is refreshing to see Sidney Crosby on the back burner for 20 seconds, it's hard to understand what the big deal over Talbot stating a well known fact is. Also, inb4 Andy Sutton asks "are you an expert?" Max Talbot better know a douche when he sees one, he plays on a team with Matt Cooke and Sidney Crosby in a league where Gary Bettman is the commissioner.
  
• Speaking of people calling people names and getting in the news for it, where the hell did Sean Avery run off to? I haven't heard of him saying anything in over 2 months.
• Antti Niemi will soon relocate to the KHL after no NHL team pays the 6,250,000 the arbitrator gives him because of Niemi's argument that he DID play better than CristoLOL Huet.
• Speaking of KHL relocations, Evgeni Nabokov relocated to the KHL because after years of watching Joe Thornton choke at the thought of running into a Chris Pronger elbow during the postseason, Nabby couldn't bear to play a whole season with Chris Pronger's elbows that close to his skull. Honestly, did Holmgren forget to tell him that Keith Ballard is NOT a Flyer?
• In another story involving non-relocation, the NHL will still be on Versus next year, meaning you probably will never have to worry about seeing its existence.
  

Seeing the Brightside, A DGS look at the Gagne trade

I've waited to post this, mainly because I wanted to avoid an unoriginal and pathetic rant about how much I miss Simon. Quite honestly, for that, my Twitter feed to the right should have supplied plenty of that. (Ain't I right DTV?)

With that, I recently posted an analysis on Blades of Funny of some of Holmgren's trades, here's what I came up...reposted here for my loyal DGS-ers



Let’s take a quick look on some of Paul Holmgren’s odd moves

Case 1: Trading Alex Zhitnik to ATL for Braydon Coburn

Well, this was basically a steal for the Flyers

Case 2: Trading Peter Forsberg to Nashville for Upshall, Parent and 2 draft picks
Then trading the picks back to NSH for Scott Hartnell and Kimmo Timonen

ok, so Parent’s back in NSH, Upshall got kicked to Phoenix for Carcillo, Kimmo and Harts are gonna end up killing our cap barring some more moves, but these guys did produce in Philly (except Parent in the Finals)

Case 3: Upshall to PHX for Dan Carcillo

I dislike Carcillo, no denials, but the fact is, Upshall wasn’t gonna see top line time as an RW with Joffrey Lupul and Mike Knuble ahead of him. Well, what if he stayed for 09-10 you say, and I say fine, where would Briere, Carter, Giroux, Lappy be moved to in order to find a slot for Upshall. I love Upshall, yes, but he wasn’t gonna fit in and so getting something for him was a good deal.




Case 4: Parent to NSH for a 7th rounder and Rights to Dam Hamhuis,
NSH 7th Rounder to SJS for Rights to Nabby
Rights to Dan Hamhuis to Pittsburgh for a 3rd Rounder

Wait, Ryan Parent, Ryan F-ing Parent for a third rounder from the Penguins, uhh, steal…duh

Case 5: Ole Tollefsen and 2nd rounder for Ville Leino

Tollefsen’s in the SEL, and Leino lit up everyone he saw in the playoffs, epic win enough said.





So, Holmgren has a knack for getting stuff done…trading Gagne and 2nd round pick for a 4th, Meszaros and Walker might just work out…if not, then my final example…

Case 6: Steve Eminger and Steve Downie to Tampa for Matt Carle…yes Homer has a way of moving Bad D-men out for good ones…



my pick for the 2010 edition

Andrej Meszaros and Dan Carcillo somewhere for a D-man who doesn't suck...guess that excludes Wade Redden, Tomas Kaberle, and Mike Green*

*-(Editor's Note: Why Mike Green made a list of DEFENSEMEN is beyond me)




I wish Gagne the best of luck but if he comes up gimpy in a game with the groin, or takes a Matt Cooke elbow…I won’t be surprised

Consolation Prizes for Teams Eliminated in the First Round

So with Round 2 of the Stanley Cup playoffs having begun, many people wonder what the teams who were eliminated are up to. Well, guess what, we here at Down Goes Spezza know what's going on.

For instance some players/teams/coaches have big plans for the offseason. So, for your benefit, here are the big offseason plans of those eliminated in the first round.




Chris Durno: Now can find a way to end up on the Maple Leafs so Down Goes Brown’s Durno dreams can be complete.

Phoenix Coyotes: Are now free to decide where they should move to.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Has plenty of time to mull over the cost/benefit analysis of playing in the KHL

Martin Brodeur: Might actually have time to engage in an offseason conditioning plan, this is helped by the fact that Kyle Wellwood is still playing and therefore Brodeur doesn't have a bueffet buddy. Wait, that means Brodeur is alone in the all you can eat line...

Ottawa Senators: Have plenty of time to keep an eye out for coaches in need of a job for the invariable firing of Cory Clouston 3 weeks into next season, to help them, both John Stevens and Rick Tocchet are available. In related news, whichever guy doesn’t get hired can be the coach 10 weeks into next season when the Senators change coaches again.

Jose Theodore/Peter Budaj: Can be well rested for next year when one becomes the next Flyers starting goalie. By the way guys, the position is cursed, injuries happen.

Mike Green: Lots of time to possibly learn how to play defense, or if that fails, can fall back into acting career.

Alex Ovechkin: Can use the free time to continue to work on his tryout for the Washington Nationals

Alexander Semin: Maybe can actually do something so this way I can make fun of him

Brooks Laich: Can open up a successful tire changing business

Yann Danis: Wait a minute, I think he’s still glued to the bench, has someone told him the season’s over yet?

Washington Capitals Fans: Can hide the biggest weakness of themselves, the fact that they don’t actually know anything about hockey.