Things Steve Yzerman Also Wants This Offseason

Recently Steve Yzerman said that he would ask all Lightning players to wear visors starting next season. What most people don't know is that Yzerman also had another list of demands that he made of us players. Now, because Don't Trade Vinny has been out of it recently, I took it upon myself to send the DGS-SuperSpies to find out what else was on that list. Luckily, they obtained me a copy of the list which I will now share with each of you.

• That Marty St. Louis grow to an appropriate an NHL height of 4 feet tall.
  
• That the media ignore any all relevant Lightning stories and replace them with possible trade rumors involving Vincent Lecavalier to the Montreal Canadiens
  
• Acquiring Chris Pronger and Sergei Bobrovsky from the Flyers for Mike Smith
  
• That the Montreal Canadiens trade Carey Price to the Lightning for Dan Ellis's remaining problems in Tampa.
  
• That the media actually talk about how the Tampa Bay Lightning are an NHL team and not some figment of your imagination.
  
• Tampa becomes Detroit-south by changing their uniforms to red and white and putting a winged wheel on the center crest.
  
• Someone offers a 2nd round pick for Dominic Moore
  
• A defense
  
• A goalie who's younger than his head coach

The Last 4 Unbeaten Teams and Their Dirty Little Secrets

So we have 4 unbeaten teams in the NHL, all of them are rather surprising, and this got me thinking, why is that these teams have stayed unbeaten for so long. Needless to say, I sent the DGS-SuperSpies to find out, and what they learned was rather enlightening.

• Team: -Dallas Stars-
  Reasons for Winning: Players no longer feel any pressure to perform because Mike Modano is no longer around to tell the stars stories of picking up a giant trophy in June after winning a 16 team tournament. Because of this lack of pressure, the Stars have concentrated on having fun on the ice and have accidentally won a few games.
  Reasons to Lose: Because Andrew Raycroft will be forced to play a game at some point this season.
  
• Team: -Nashville Predators-
  Reasons for Winning: Opposing forwards tend to be scared of the giant goaltenders in net for the Predators. On the other end of the ice, no one tries to block shots off the stick of Shea Weber out of fear that they will become the next Sami Salo.
  Reasons to Lose: They are the Nashville Predators.
  
• Team: -Toronto Maple Leafs-
  Reasons for Winning: Because the Leafs no longer employ Vesa Toskala. Also, the Leafs finally caught onto the idea that maybe pissing off Brian Burke is a bad idea.
  Reasons to Lose: If Colton Orr can lose a fight, then the Leafs can lose a game.
  
• Team: -Tampa Bay Lightning-
  Reasons for Winning: Employ a team of winners known as the 2008 Philadelphia Flyers.
  Reasons to Lose: In a second lapse of judgement, Steve Yzerman will trade Dan Ellis's problems to the Montreal Canadiens for Carey Price's cigarettes. This will cause Ellis to take up smoking before games leading to him to run out of money as well as talent. (PS: Dan Ellis's Problems will cause Habs fans to riot.)

NHL 2010-2011 Season Previews: Southeast Division

Part 4 of the series is here. Today were looking at the southeast division. By the way, Max Talbot called and told me that I need to call Alex Ovechkin a douche. I don't know if I actually will, but hey, you never know.

Florida Panthers

The Good: Sports interest in Miami is now buzzing due to the acquisitions of LeBron James and Chris Bosh along with Wade's decision to stay.

The Bad: This has absolutely nothing to do with hockey.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Goalies for the Panthers no longer have to worry about being decapitated by Keith Ballard.

Carolina Hurricanes

The Good: Are set up with plenty of early first round picks coming from their tank job that should continue for another 3-4 years.

The Bad: After losing Michael Leighton to the Flyers and not resigning Manny Legace, the 'Canes now only have 1 goalie with Stanley Cup experience in Cam Ward.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope that other teams take pity on them and allow them to face 82 games of backup goaltenders.

Tampa Bay Lightning

The Good: New General Manager Steve Yzerman is a Jedi which will allow him to hopefully keep evil Sith Lord Darth Ellis in check. (Question Time: How many Twitter meltdowns does Ellis have during the season?)

The Bad: Will constantly be distracted by rumors of trading Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis, and Simon Gagne to the Canadiens for PK Subban and Carey Price as well as having to pay attention to what Dan Ellis says on Twitter.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will at some point, convince the Flyers to trade Jeff Carter for Paul Ranger.

Washington Capitals

The Good: Because of the tire-changing prowess of Brooks Laich, the Capitals will never be late to games due to flat tires.

The Bad: Like the US Congress, the team will be loaded with plenty of potential but will not actually get anything positive done when it matters.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the NHL teams fall victim to the idea that Mike Green is a defensemen when in fact he actually plays forward.

Atlanta Blackhawks...Thrashers

The Good: As of last check of the team's roster with players like Byfuglien, Kane and Ladd, they are the defending Stanley Cup Champions

The Bad: The team may suffer from an identity crisis as the Cup winning players will have a hard time adjusting to playing in the empty arenas of the Southeast Division.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will do everything they did last season when the team played in Chicago and hope that it works again.

What type of player are you? Part 2

A few days ago, Kevin Burgundy from Stay Classy wrote a post about what kind of hockey player are you. I noticed that his list was incomplete. Needless to say, emails were exchanged and with his consent I decided to do part 2 of the list.

Last time I did this, it turned into a fairly moderate success, I partnered up with Don't Trade Vinny on that one when we did our misused hockey terms. This is what DTV had, and the official DGS reply.

So with the consent of the writer, here I go.

I'll start with what I wrote in the comments section of the original post.

The Jeff Carter: When not scoring on the ice, I score with my winger’s wife off it.

The Ian Laperriere: Block shots to the point where I have no face left.

The Chris Pronger: Use my elbows to leave opposing players looking up at me

The Stay-In The Kitchen Defensemen: A stay home defensemen with agoraphobia.
NHL Comparables: Wade Redden, Andrej Meszaros, every current blueliner on the Dallas Stars

The DJ-Goaltender: A goalie who loves strobe lights and goal horns followed by music.
NHL Comparables: Vesa ToskaLOL, Andrew Raycroft, CristoLOL Huet (Kevin added Pascal LOL-claire)

The True Stay At Home D-man: A defensemen who really stays at home, even when under pressure.NHL Comparables: Sami Salo, Mike Van Ryn, Paul Ranger

Moving on.


The Patient Forward: This guy is known for always being patient. As in a patient at the local hospital waiting for MRIs because he's always hurt.
NHL Examples: Marian Gaborik, Simon Gagne, Doug Weight, Paul Kariya

The Harry Potter: This guy is known for being totally invisible, like Harry Potter when under the Invisibility Cloak. You just never see him do anything even when he's on the ice.
NHL Examples: Lee Stempniak, Joe Thornton and Alex Semin during the post-season,

The Grinder (or hoagie, sub, sandwich): This guy loves his food. Enough said.
NHL Examples: Martin Brodeur, Tim Thomas, Kyle Wellwood

The Rioter: This guy is really talented, but he's somewhat reckless and therefore violence always seem to follow him, especially when he's playing well.
NHL Examples: Steve Downie, Dan Carcillo, every Montreal Canadiens player who caused a riot during the 2010 playoff run.

The Houdini Defensemen: This guy always seems to pull a disappearing act, especially when in the Defensive Zone.
NHL Examples: Mike Green, Tomas Kaberle, Lukas Krajicek, The Boston Bruins after the 1st period of Game 7 against the Flyers

The We Have A Legend Only Not: This guy shares a nickname with an NHL legend, too bad he doesn't play like one.
NHL Examples: Robert Esche, Ryan Parent, The 4th NHL Staal brother: Jarrett Stoll

The Smart Guy: This guy always seems to use his head or the heads of others to help his team out.
NHL Examples: Ian Laperriere, Roman Cechmanek, Goalies playing behind Keith Ballard

The Psycho-analyst: This guy likes to get into the heads of opponents in order to make sure that his team always the psychological advantage. He usually does simple things to amuse the simple minds of his opponents.
NHL Examples: Chris Pronger, Steve Yzerman when proposing trades to Paul Holmgren



There you go, now you know

 

Breaking News: Warrant Issued for Arrest of Steve Yzerman

So, for those of you following our good friend Don't Trade Vinny, you know that Bolts GM Steve Yzerman was recently arrested for trying to steal PK Subban from the Habs. It turns out, that Stevie's bad luck continued as after leaving Montreal, he had to fly back to Tampa. During this time, a grand jury was convened in Philadelphia.

See it turns out that Stevie's legal issues are not over. Apparently many people associated with the NHL think that Stevie committed robbery of the Philadelphia Flyers. Turns out, a source let me in on the fact that Stevie IS under investigation. Needless to say, we started digging around as well.

Thanks to a joint investigation by the DGS-SuperSpies and our friends at Don't Trade Vinny, we managed to obtain a copy of the warrant for Stevie's arrest. For you're viewing pleasure, we have it here for you to see. By the way, if you're not reading Don't Trade Vinny, you're really missing out, so start reading his site today.



(use view image to maximize the ability to see it)

Tuesday Morning Coffee Break: August 3

Hey, it's been a long time since I did one of these, but never fear, we have another coffee break for you.

So sit back, grab a coffee, some donuts, and enjoy some great hockey related fun.

• Down Goes Brown delivers a look at other grievances the NHLPA has filed along with the Ilya Kovalchuk grievance. Needless to say, I have one of my own to add, I hereby declare DGB to be the funniest Maple Leafs blogger/writer on the planet. I now have a grievance that he does not post enough.
• Blades of Funny tells us there's nothing to write about, but delivers an amazing post making me wish I had nothing to write about as well.
• Intent to Blow goes on an in depth investigation to tell us just how Sami Salo got hurt this last time around. The results are hilarious and involve Sedin jokes.
• Stay Classy takes a nice look at Down Goes Brown's writing talent and the fact that DGB finally made it big-time. We hope DGB doesn't take up any of the positions for his writing that Stay Classy has told him to go after.
• Don't Trade Vinny gives us the latest in the Stevie Saga with a look at Mr. Yzerman's recent arrest in Montreal. Why do I have an odd feeling this isn't the end of Steve Yzerman's legal trouble? Check back tomorrow to find out why because the DGS-SuperSpies are on the case.