Rejected All Star Skills Competition Ideas

Many people look forward to All Star weekend not just for the game itself, but also for the skills competition. What many people don't realize, is that due to time constraints several other events have been removed from the skills competition, luckily the DGS SuperSpies have found the list of events that were scrapped.


The Event: Bad Contract Roulette
How It Worked: A roulette wheel would be placed and each captain would try to stick his opponent with the contracts of terrible players like Ville Leino and Scott Gomez
Reason for Taking It Out: AHL players like Matt Walker and Wade Redden aren't allowed at the NHL All Star Game.


The Event: Dodge The Elbows
How It Worked: Players would skate around the ice dodging obstacles like Chris Pronger's left elbow and Matt Cooke's right forearm while attempting to handle the puck
Reason for Taking It Out: Matt Cooke seems to have cleaned up his act and Chris Pronger has gone the way of Marc Savard.


The Event: Diving Competition
How It Worked: All Stars would make like Summer Olympians and do a diving competition, complete with judges and everything
Reason for Taking It Out: Every single season, the Sedins would win.



The Event: Big Eats
How It Worked: A buffet would be laid out, and each team would see who could consume more food in the allotted team
Reason for Taking It Out: A small problem arose, Martin Brodeur is no longer an All Star goalie capable of challenging Tim Thomas.


The Event: ECHL Future Stars Game
How It Worked: A group of ECHL players would get to play giving hope to teams who employ Steve Mason and Brett Lebda that maybe some better players would arrive.
Reason for Taking It Out: Anchorage, Alaska; Elmira, New York; Trenton, NJ and Gwinnett Georgia are all considered better places to live than Columbus, Ohio.


Even though these events are gone, one still remains. During the actual All-Star Game we can watch players perform the 2 following events-

1: Play More Defense Than Mike Green

2: Loaf around the Neutral Zone more than Alex Kovalev

NHL Oops Moments

You know that moment you have when you realize something wasn't what it seemed? Like when people mistake me for Danny Briere (happened twice now). It's happened quite a bit around the NHL recently and we have a list of those moments compiled here.



The Event- Martin St Louis wears the new Lightning jerseys to a promotional event at a Tampa area sports store.
The Reaction- A little kid yells out, "LOOK, MOMMY, A SMURF!!!!!!!" (This is followed by kids asking Marty to sign their Disney movies...and parents wondering who that paid actor is...)



The Event- Danny Briere walks into a local coffee shop in South Jersey
The Reaction-The barista instantly says, "Your usual, DGS?"


The Event- Jaromir Jagr and Max Talbot sign with the Flyers.
The Reaction-Chris Pronger laughs maniacally as he reveals he stole the Penguins contract offers and replaced them with a Flyers offer instead.


The Event- The Rangers sign a UFA player.
The Reaction- Glen Sather still doesn't know who keeps adding extra years "0s" to each contract.



The Event- Wade Redden waived and assigned to AHL Hartford.
The Reaction- The Whale apparently were under the impression that they were getting an NHL send down, not an ECHL call up.


The Event- The Bruins execute a line change during the playoffs.
The Reaction- Paul Holmgren counted out the men, there's too many...oh god... GAGNE!


The Event- Eklund reports a trade rumor as e5
The Reaction- Crickets


The Event- David Poile asks for "Brent" in a trade with the Maple Leafs
The Reaction- Brian Burke hand writes the trade fax with "Brett" in it and makes sure to send Lebda to the Predators.

(Note: We have no proof about this, but it's the only logical explanation as to why anyone would ever trade FOR Brett Lebda)



The Event- A Sedin asks a linesman about a call during a stoppage prompting the linesman to say, "Well, Dan..."
The Reaction- "uhh...I'm Henrik"


The Event- Garth Snow jokingly says he intends to reacquire Roloson because of his playoffs successes.
The Reaction- In a "Milbury Moment" Snow acquires Brian Rolston instead.

Things Other People in the NHL want for Christmas

Yesterday we showed you what the Flyers want for Christmas, well, we also found out what the rest of the NHL wants for Christmas, here's what we found out.


Taylor Hall: To hopefully get a chance to play on an NHL team.

The New Jersey Devils: That the CBA is followed and Kovalchuk's contract is voided.

Brian Burke: Tyler Seguin and a 2011 Lottery pick

Mike Green: Someone who can teach me how to play defense...oh crap, I got Scott Hannan instead

Henrik and Daniel Sedin: A triplet who's identical to us as well

Toronto Maple Leafs Fans: Free therapy from a psychologist...and not Down Goes Spezza

Sheldon Souray: Nothing, I finally got the fuck out of Edmonton

Sidney Crosby: A real wing

Colin Campbell: The ability to use a BlackBerry

Gary Bettman: Expansion to Havana, Mexico City, San Juan, Cairo, and Death Valley...if necessary teams will be removed from Toronto, Detroit, Montreal and Chicago

Don't Trade Vinny: A date with Marty St Louis

Things People Involved in the NHL are Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving to my loyal American DGS readers. Speaking of it being Thanksgiving, it's the time of the year to be thankful, for something like hockey and the Flyers being in first place. Because of this, we sent out some texts to some NHL players to ask them what they're thankful for. The responses we got were rather enlightening.


Kyle Wellwood: "Butter, stuffing, French fries and trans-fats."

PK Subban: "Mike Richards didn't kill me, that's the nicest thing someone's done for me since my car got burned during a riot last spring"

Sheldon Souray: "I get to play in Hershey instead of Edmonton; mission accomplished"

Sidney Crosby: "No matter how much I dive, Bettman still loves me"

Patrick Kane: "Thbt Suttere kidd who pnchrd cabbie driverz"
(I wasn't sure what he was ok so I texted him back to ask 'Dude are you ok?')
Kane's response: "Yes, jus haad somme tequila"

Dammit Kane, stay sober for like...a day..seriously

Dan Ellis: "My money"

David Booth: "Mike Richards didn't kill me, I owe him one."

Peter Chiarelli: "Making the playoffs and getting a lottery pick 2 years in a row"

Colin Campbell: (Editor's Note: Colie didn't respond, apparently he doesn't know to use a Blackberry)

Brian Burke: "No one pretends to be me on Twitter anymore."

Glen Sather: "The Rangers ownership, for keeping me employed"

Derek Boogaard: "My goal scoring abilities"

Ilya Kovachuk: "Being able to play in NHL for 9 more years even tho Bett-man think I play 15 more"

Crazy Lou: "Jelly"

Joe Thornton: "The Heimlich maneuver, saving my life every year after I seem to choke every May"

Antti Niemi: "Leighton not closing 5 hole, made me cup winning goalie"

Sean Avery: "The ability to give others my sloppy seconds"

Henrik Sedin: "Daniel Sedin"

Daniel Sedin: "Henrik Sedin"

Coach Sutter: "Having a brother as GM so i dont get fired"

Brad Richards: "Knowing that I have at most, 7 months and 6 days in Dallas"

Andrew Raycroft: "A job in the AHL for the Texas Stars that keeps me from playing in Russia"
My response: "Uh Andrew, you play for the NHL's Dallas Stars"
Andrew Raycroft: "LOL there is NO way this is an 'NHL' team, it's defence is like ECHL quality"

Brian Gionta: "No one's burned my house down even tho I'm an American who's captain of the Habs"

Scott Gomez: "the lack of a height requirement to play in the NHL"

Jason Spezza: "Not having been destroyed by Patrick Sharp since 2004"

Gary Bettman: "Being a league that's so unnoticed, no one did anything about Colin Campbell...those MLB guys always dragged in front of Congress; that sucks for them"

The Blogging Psychologist: Case Study #2: Alex Burrows

Seriously, my GM is out
to get me. He changes
the uniform every year.

So in today's second installment of my blogging psychologist profiles, we look at Vancouver Canucks Alex Burrows. I know it's been a while since we did our first profile, Chris Pronger, but do check it out if you need to remember how this works.




Anyway, Mr. Burrows has presented with claims of feeling that a Mr. Stephane Auger is out to get him. Now some of these feelings may be based on Mr. Burrows inability to process what's real and what's not. Others may be an overreaction to legitimate concerns. Luckily we here at Down Goes Spezza were able to analyze the data that we were given. Unlike Mr. Pronger who showed traits of many mood and personality issues, Mr. Burrows only displays the traits of one personality disorder. Mr. Burrows appears to suffer from Paranoid Personality Disorder.

Bro, I heard you're good at
defending, well defend me
from Auger, please.

Kesler dude, can you see if
he's out to get me?

Mr. Burrows has had a feeling that many people are out to get him. We all remember his little tiff with NHL referee Stephane Auger for being out to get him. Now Burrows spent a lot time in the penalty box which proves that he was either making an excuse for being a horrible hockey player, or, he was right, Mr. Auger was out to get him. Now, I think we should side with Mr. Burrows as Mr. Auger has made a near infinite amount of some questionable calls.

Wait? Even goalies are out to
get me. FML.

Now of course, Mr. Burrows has shown flashes of talent on the ice. But he also seems to have some other complaints. For one, he keeps talking about the Sedins as if they are one person. He sometimes  attempts to deny the existence of Daniel Sedin.

All in all, I feel like it's safe to say that Mr. Burrows is slightly paranoid in that he feels like the referees are out to get him. But hey, you never really know with these guys, suffice it to say that Mr. Burrows probably has Paranoid Schizophrenia, not Paranoid Personality Disorder. This is because of his hallucinations regarding the lack of existence of one "Daniel Sedin".

Luckily, the prognosis is good for Mr. Burrows. We must talk through his feelings about people like Mr. Auger and maybe have him hang out with both Sedin twins. Hopefully Mr. Burrows will then be able to function on society.

Tuesday Morning Coffee Break: August 3

Hey, it's been a long time since I did one of these, but never fear, we have another coffee break for you.

So sit back, grab a coffee, some donuts, and enjoy some great hockey related fun.

• Down Goes Brown delivers a look at other grievances the NHLPA has filed along with the Ilya Kovalchuk grievance. Needless to say, I have one of my own to add, I hereby declare DGB to be the funniest Maple Leafs blogger/writer on the planet. I now have a grievance that he does not post enough.
• Blades of Funny tells us there's nothing to write about, but delivers an amazing post making me wish I had nothing to write about as well.
• Intent to Blow goes on an in depth investigation to tell us just how Sami Salo got hurt this last time around. The results are hilarious and involve Sedin jokes.
• Stay Classy takes a nice look at Down Goes Brown's writing talent and the fact that DGB finally made it big-time. We hope DGB doesn't take up any of the positions for his writing that Stay Classy has told him to go after.
• Don't Trade Vinny gives us the latest in the Stevie Saga with a look at Mr. Yzerman's recent arrest in Montreal. Why do I have an odd feeling this isn't the end of Steve Yzerman's legal trouble? Check back tomorrow to find out why because the DGS-SuperSpies are on the case.