Fan vs Fan

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

NHL Lockout Survival Kits

In an effort to help NHL fans survive the lockout, we here at DGS have decided to build NHL-Lockout Survival Kits to help each fan base through the lockout. Just find your team's line and see what you need and how to use it.

Pacific Division:

:Los Angeles Kings:
Items Needed-Stanley Cup poster, List of bars in LA, Flyers 2006 roster sheet
What to Do-Party with Mike Richards and Jeff Carter, laugh at Bobby Clarke for thinking Robert Esche was all he needed in goal

:Anaheim Ducks:
Items Needed- a laptop, a credit card
What to Do- subscribe to TeemuTV, watch Teemu...we know it's the only reason you follow this team.

:Phoenix Coyotes:
Items Needed-Lists of homes, jobs and living costs for the following cities: Quebec City (also requires French-English dictionary), Saskatoon, Seattle, Hamilton, Kansas City
What to Do-Sorry, this is an NHL fans survival kit, not an NHL team

:Dallas Stars:
Items Needed-laptop, YouTube link to Brett Hull's goal
What to Do-what you've been doing since 1999, rubbing it in Buffalo's face

:San Jose Sharks:
Items Needed-A room with locked windows, a ton of lottery tickets and an empty wallet/bank account
What to Do-Accept a new reality of no money, no doors and no windows and frequent draft lotteries

Northwest Division

:Vancouver Canucks:
Items Needed-Construction Equipment
What to Do-Just rebuild your city without rioting, okay? Please, pretty please.

:Calgary Flames:
Items Needed-Season Tickets, a sense of self loathing
What to Do-Relax, the lockout will allow the Flames to undo mistakes like Matt Stajan and letting Kipper and Iggy age

:Edmonton Oilers:
Items Needed-Shovels, pitchforks and a mob mentality
What to Do-Your team is being relocated to Seattle, build yourself an arena in Edmonton to keep them.

:Colorado Avalanche:
Items Needed-Denver Broncos tickets, Peyton Manning jersey
What to Do-Look, I'm not sure what to do either, but at least the Broncos sent crap away and acquired an over the hill future hall of fame player.

:Minnesota Wild:
Items Needed-Glitter Berries, the inability to shame
What to Do-Not blame your team for this lockout despite the fact that they basically caused it.

Central Division

:Detroit Red Wings:
Items Needed-A midnight train going anywhere
What to Do-Because seriously, no Lidstrom, no Suter, no Weber and an idiot owner who calls players cattle...just get out of there now.

:Columbus Blue Jackets:
Items Needed-A sense of relief
What to Do-Be thankful the Jackets aren't in last place. Yet.

:St Louis Blues:
Items Needed-A sense of reality, Jaroslav Halak, a giant landfill for every calculator in St. Louis
What to Do-Wait patiently for the end the lockout and make sure not to watch any of Brian Elliot's implosions in other cities.

:Chicago Blackhawks:
Items Needed-Breathalyzer, Camera
What to Do-Play a new game called "guess the over/under on Patrick Kane's BAC at any given time" or "snap a picture of Jon Toews showing human emotion" also feel free to make a joke at the expense of Leighton's 5 hole.

:Nashville Predators:
Items Needed-Your checkbook, debit card, and all banking information
What to Do-Send it David Poile, he needs to pay Weber somehow.

Southeast Division

:Washington Capitals:
Items Needed-A time machine
What to Do-Ask yourself, "what did I do in before 2005?" then do that.

:Winnipeg Jets:
Items Needed-Nothing
What to Do-It's not like you didn't go 15 years or so without a team....

:Tampa Bay Lightning:
Items Needed-A subscription to
What to Do-Get Matt to start writing again, apparently he's locked out from blogging. His twitter handle is @DontTradeVinny.

:Florida Panthers:
Items Needed-Not applicable as Panthers fans do not exist.
What to Do- Not applicable as Panthers fans do not exist.

:Carolina Hurricanes:
Items Needed-A list of every Hurricanes fan ever. As provided by me, which is easy since there's like 4 of you and one of you is my girlfriend.
What to Do- make these people laugh
SilentShadow36 This is Kaitlin, my girlfriend...I got her worries
WardoSaysNo Warning NSFW
Nikki Something food related...I think
Caniac Mum She's a mom and she likes the 'Canes.

Northeast Division

:Toronto Maple Leafs:
Items Needed-A sense of reality
What to Do-Get Brian Burke fired already

:Montreal Canadiens:
Items Needed-QMJHL season ticket packages
What to Do-Watch the kids play...yes, they're kids, I know they're bigger than the Habs top line, but they're really kids. No, I'm not BS-ing you

:Ottawa Senators:
Items Needed-OHL season ticket packages
What to Do-Watch the kids play...yes, they're kids, I know they're not as dirty as Chris Neil

:Boston Bruins:
Items Needed-A Tim Thomas-Rational Thought Dictionary
What to Do-Actually, I think finding that item is impossible, so I don't need to think of another Tim Thomas joke.

:Buffalo Sabres:
Items Needed-Video of Brett Hull's 1999 goal
What to Do-Rationalize that the correct 1999 goal means a Sabres Stanley Cup win despite the fact that even if the call was reversed the Sabres would STILL need to win BOTH games 6 and 7.

Atlantic Division

:New York Islanders:
Items Needed-Nothing
What to Do-Just stake out Barclays Center in Brooklyn so when tickets go on sale in 2015, you're ready.

:New York Rangers:
Items Needed-Happy thoughts
What to Do-Pray the cap rollback and salary rollback doesn't force the Rangers to trade Henrik Lundqvist to wherever the Coyotes end up for Mike Smith

:New Jersey Devils:
Items Needed-The ability to support 200lbs on your back
What to Do-Hope the fact that a 200lb man sitting on you during at event at Prudential Center doesn't break you.

Alternate Devils fan Kit: Ask @NonAmericanHero for television advice.

:Pittsburgh Penguins:
Items Needed-A time machine
What to Do-Just like Caps fans, it's time to do what you did before 2005.

:The Flyers:
Items Needed-Your hockey budget
What to Do-If you live in Philadelphia, support your ECHL affiliate up in Trenton, I'm up there for a ton of games so drop by and meet me...I sign autographs, they're totally worthless but read this post, right?