Just a few short weeks one damn off-season eternity ago, I wrote a piece about how maybe I'm the problem. (July 8, 2011: Maybe I'm the Problem). As it turns out, every story has an opposing side, and so I feel that now, in the dog days of August, this other side should be told.
2007-08: Because DGS goes off to college and starts living in Philly, he decides he needs a change in his life, the change, growing and keeping a goatee for the entire season, this goatee becomes a playoff beard when the regular season ends. However, cracking under of pressure of a now ex-girlfriend, DGS shaves the playoff beard right before the Pittsburgh series, the Flyers are soon eliminated.
2008-09: DGS once again keeps different variations of facial hair during the entire regular season, but in March of 2009, DGS starts a new job and decides to make a good impression on his new employer by going clean shaven for this job. The Flyers are quickly dispatched by the Pittsburgh Penguins.
2009-10: DGS is clean shaven for the start of the season. The Flyers totally suck more than anything. On December 31, as a joke, DGS decides to to let some facial hair start growing. When DGS doesn't shave, the Flyers kick ass. DGS lets a full chinstrap grow from Jan 1 which eventually turns into a playoff beard. DGS never shaves the playoff beard willingly but on the morning of Game 6, while frying bacon for his breakfast, DGS singes part of his beard and it falls out leaving an empty patch of playoff beard (not to be confused with DGS empty patches on his playoff beard caused by inability to grow facial hair.) Game 6 OT the puck trickles through Leighton's 5-hole.
2010-11: DGS goes into the season with a goatee as always, other than November where DGS does "Movember" and has a Carcillo-like Porn-stache instead. The Flyers are easily one of the best teams in the league. Right around the ASG, DGS drops the facial hair in favor or long sideburns and a Danny-Briere clone look and the Flyers collapse faster than the 2010 Boston Bruins. During the playoffs, the playoff beard returns but with a problem, right before Game 1 of the Boston series, DGS plays a pickup game of hockey with some friends. During the game, DGS loses some hair in his helmet. (if you check the playoff beard update pics, I started wearing a hat to hide it.) After DGS lost this chunk of hair, the Flyers never won another game.
Luckily, this year, I plan on keeping a Ville Leino beard until the playoffs, then going all out with (what I hope ends up as) a Hartnell-esque amount of hair.
So; due to the great support I've gotten from you, the DGS readers, I have decided that the "Uncensored, Unedited and Live-ish" format for the podcast is the way to go. That means that as soon as an episode is recorded, it will be immediately uploaded to this website for you to hear and to download. That means you'll hear all the random thoughts and tangents we go off on. As always keep on listening. Thanks for your support. Also, keep the emails coming (send them to DownGoesSpezza@gmail.com) and I'll take the time to answer them and if it's podcast related, I will read them on the air. Also, follow DGS on facebook here. Remember, there's no such thing as too much Down Goes Spezza in your life.
Yes, you're reading that right. The presence of Down Goes Spezza and SethDH have been requested by Jody Shelley. This is because apparently our usage of the hashtag #HartnellDown has made it to Jody Shelley and Scott Hartnell.
For a quick history of Hartnell Down: I turn to Seth for his words on the topic:
Last year, towards the end of the season and in playoffs, people started noticing how often Hartnell falls. I figured I'd keep track just for fun. I didn't think, at the beginning of the season, he'd hit 100 and now I'm hoping he reaches 200. He fell 8 times in one game this year. I believe it was the 5-1 win over Pittsburgh in october. I can't thank you enough for just stepping in and helping make HARTNELL DOWN turn into #Hartnell down. One last thing, I really hope Jody Shelly doesn't beat us up. Though, if he does, it'll make for an awesome story someday.
Seth started keeping track for most of the early part of the season, DGS liked the idea so much that he joined the cause in November. Now; Hartnell down rests at 115 with about 2 months to go in the season.
So with that; DGS will be meeting with Jody Shelley to discuss this. We are worried that Matt from DGS will be maimed, but never fear. If that happens, Amy and PhillyGirl1437 can take care of writing this site.
One day soon; Seth and I will meet Jody Shelley and hopefully...Seth and I will live to tell about it.
(Editor's Note: If not, make it Matt's last will and testament that all of property be donated to charity.)
Ok, I've done a totally non serious drinking post before. Playing that game might cause death by the 2nd period. This one, is allegedly safer.
(Editor's Note: no way to tell, DGS is Straight Edge)
So here we go, get some alcohol together...we recommend
Captain n Coke, Vodka n Cran, Sam Adams Bahstan Lagah, champagne and jello shooters.
Ok, this requires 3 players
Pass one beer to everyone playing, as well as one captain n coke and vodka n cran.
Rules: to "win" be the last person with a drink left.
Each person chooses one of the following players
Andrej Meszaros, Scott Hartnell, and Jeff Carter
you drink when your players does the following:
Meszaros: blasts a slap shot wide
Hartnell: Drink on Hartnell DOWN!
Jeff Carter: Drink on "Carter shoots high and wide"
All players drink on the following:
Steve Coates says: "I'm looking over (player)'s shoulder."
Brian Boucher causes a "Boosh" chant
Mike Leighton gives up a 5 hole goal....
Sergei Bobrovsky gives you a heart attack after playing the puck
So we've found our newest writer. She's a feisty one,
(Editor's Note: For all his lack of dates...DGS sure has many female friends)
her words remind me of Chris Pronger's elbows mixed with Daniel Carcillo's feistiness with the poking ability of a Danny Briere Spear. In short, she's awesome.
(Editor's Note- The above are 3 of the highest compliments you can get from DGS)
Head Procrastinator/Guest Blogger: PhillyGirl1437 Age: Like I'm telling you Home: Philadelphia (in case you couldn't tell) Favorite Current Flyer: Someone had to want Leighton... Favorite All-Time Flyer: Eric Desjardins - it's Rico - got to love him. Favorite Sport that isn't hockey: Baseball - Chase Utley, you are the man. Random Fact about PhillyGirl1437: Haven't I shared enough?
So as we probably all know, it's been almost 7 months since DGS had a real date. This needs to change, so I'm writing the official DGS-Girlfriend Application. Basically it's what DGS looks for in a woman, if you feel you fit the bill, feel free to either email me or comment and we'll see what happens.
Name:
Age: (If not between 18-30, stop here, you've been DQ'd)
Favorite NHL team: (Note: Fans of the Penguins, Devils, Rangers, Bruins or Red Wings need not apply)
Favorite MLB team: (Note: Fans of the Red Sox, Mets, Braves, Dodgers, Giants, Cubs or Cardinals need not apply)
Favorite NFL team: (Note: Fans of the Patriots, Giants, Redskins, or Tom Brady need not apply)
Complete the following sentences:
Chris Pronger is...
Sidney Crosby is...
Alex Ovechkin is...
Tomas Vokouns is...
Chris Chelios is...
The Better Sedin is...
Yes/No questions.
Answer the following questions with a Yes or No
1. Can you tell the Sedins apart?
2. Do the Habs need to grow?
3. Is Glen Sather an awesome GM?
4. Does Gary Bettman suck?
5. Is Finland awesome?
Multiple Choice
1. In 2010-11 and moving forward from there, Zach Parise looks best on
A. Mike Richards wing
B. Jeff Carter's wing
C. Claude Giroux's wing
D. Danny Briere's wing
2. Sergei Bobrovsky will win
A. The Calder Trophy
B. The Vezina Trophy
C. The Conn Smythe Trophy
D. A Stanley Cup as a Flyer
3. James van Riemsdyk is
A. Expendable
B. Tradeable
C. an MVP waiting to happen
D. Useless
4. If we're on a date and Chris Pronger walks up to us, you will...
A. Tell him to take a picture with me
B. Not stare dreamily at him
C. Make him take a picture with me
D. Smack be back to reality, then take my picture with him, then smack me again.
5. Can I trust Jeff Carter around you?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Of course, we're not married yet
D. WTF?
Essay section, please write one paragraph on ONE of the following topics explaining your opinion.
Martin Brodeur is the best ever, why or why not?
Who's the greatest defenseman of the last 20 years, Chris Pronger or Nick Lidstrom?
Which N. Backstrom is better and why?
Was the Gagne trade worth it?
Mandatory Non-Hockey related question.
What do you think about Cliff Lee? (Please write 3 sentences on this)
To all those who enter, best of luck. DGS will contact you soon.
Sometimes we, the friends, who write Down Goes Spezza are accused of only being self-promoting, self-centered writers who are only in it for ourselves (come to think of it, we're attention whores). This isn't true, we're performing a very important important public service. We are diagnosing psychological issues in the NHL and giving them hope to recover from their issues.
1: How many more Dives
I will take, just one more
dive and I will never
dive again
Today's patient is someone we see a lot of during NHL broadcasts. This guy has won a few awards and some giant trophy that has his name engraved on it. His name is Sidney Crosby. Sid the Kid seems to always end up on my television, and believe me, I hate that.
Now I am not here to write about how Gary Bettman has a huge man crush on Sidney. I really cannot judge people for man crushes as we all know that I have a huge man crush on Chris Pronger (and this goes back to his days with St. Louis, so yeah, I've always loved those amazing elbows). (Jaye from PKLC and Jason from DWYDN are probably thinking 'oh god, here he goes again')
Anyway, onto looking at possible problems with the psychological state of Mr. (or Ms) Crosby we see quite a few possibly things that could be wrong. I've come up with several possible diagnoses and I happen to be prepared to present my findings.
Now, I'm looking at a category of psychological illnesses called the Somatoform Disorders. What are they, well I'm looking at two diseases known to most people as Münchhausen's Syndrome and Conversion Disorder. Also, on the list of things to look at is Histrionic Personality Disorder.
Now, many Philadelphia fans have questioned Sidney Crosby's gender identification and sexual orientation. I am NOT here to talk about that as they are not any kind of psychological disorder. If Sidney wants to live as a woman, that's his choice and there are plenty specialists who can help him with those issues.
(Editor's Note: Both Matt and Amy of DGS are huge supporters of LGBT rights and same-sex marriage in the USA)
Münchhausen's Syndrome: This condition is characterized by frequent usage of faking injuries and illnesses in order to gain the attention of others. Sidney's embellishment and love of diving is definitely falls under faking injuries. However, there seems to be one problem, someone with this condition would frequently miss time in order to get these injuries treated. Since he doesn't seem to always be running to the training staff and because Crosby has a habit of popping right up after a hook or a trip is called so, he doesn't seem to have this condition.
Conversion Disorder: Conversion Disorder is a psychiatric condition that shows itself by the patient feeling intense amounts of pain when a mild stimulus is presented. This would explain why Crosby dives and cries every time someone looks at him the wrong way. This disorder is not physical in nature, rather, the reason the for the excessive pain is usually emotional in nature. This emotional pain comes from a lack of self-esteem.
Pretty sure there's some legit reasons to feel sad their. Sid wants to be loved, and appreciated, but he's in the wrong sport.
This just in, the DGS SuperSpies apparently were in a church sitting next to Crosby as he prayed, and apparently it went something like this:
"Dear God, My name's Sidney, and I've won a Stanley Cup but these people seem to think that I absolutely suck."
At this point, there was a white light, and the heavens opened up and gold himself was standing before Crosby, and he replied, "Well, Cindy"
Crosby went, "But my names Sidney"
god said, "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS"
Histrionic Personality Disorder: This one also seems like Sid. It's characterized by sexually provocative behavior, (his reciprocation of Bettman's man crush, love of himself and Malkin, and this.) Exaggeration of emotional states (all the whining) and physical responses (all the diving). Come to think of it, Sidney Crosby is the textbook definition of this condition. One more thing, fun fact of HPD: almost 90% of people who have it are of the female gender. Interpret that as you wish.
(Editor's Note: We're not saying Crosby is a woman, we're just reporting a fact about the condition we were discussing, it's up to you to do what you want with that.)
I think it's safe to say, no matter what he has, I think that Crosby Sucks.
(Editor's Note: Sucks is defined as, being someone we have absolutely no respect for because the player in question is a total d-bag. Crosby's on ice stats are, impressive but inflated due to the coddling of referees.)
Seriously though, the treatment is to get Crosby to overthrow Bettman and insert a commissioner who won't stand for the dives. Sound like a plan? Who's with me?
So, we here at DGS forgot to post this back in April when we first started. Something about beating the Devils in the playoffs made us forget to post who DGS is made up of. So, without further ado, the 3 current DGS minds want you to see who we sort of are.
Owner/Editor/Head Writer: Matt B.
Age: 22
Home: NJ
Favorite Current Flyer: Tie between Chris Pronger, he is god, and Kimmo Timonen, the little Defenseman that could...
Favorite All-Time Flyer: Eric Desjardins, just a class act and a good guy, also, I'm partial to Defenseman
Favorite Sport that isn't hockey: Baseball, go Yankees
Random Fact about Matt: The NY Yankees fan on staff, because of that, he hides from the rest of us by playing World of Warcraft.
Staff Writer/MS Paint Artist: Amy D.
Age: 22
Home: NH
Favorite Current Flyer: Darroll Powe, this guy plays with a huge heart.
Favorite All-Time Flyer: Bobby Clarke, the captain of the Bullies
Favorite Sport that isn't hockey: Gymnastics, mainly because I did it.
Random Fact about Amy: Amy loves making people laugh, she's also not single.
Guess what readers! Down Goes Spezza is looking to become a little more user friendly. Also, we're looking to expand our media productions in 2 ways. What does that mean, well it means the following 2 things.
#1. Down Goes Spezza will soon transition to www.DownGoesSpezza.com it's own URL. This will make me easier to find on the internet and such.
#2. Down Goes Spezza will be starting the Down Goes Spezza Podcast. All you need to know is that it's coming. DGS will tackle current NHL issues and delve into the hobbies of other bloggers and hockey personalities. I'm excited and you should be too. The first episode is targeted for January, we plan on releasing an episode every OTHER week. Our podcast will feature the amazing personality of DGS head-writer and editor Matt. More to come as time permits.
#3. Down Goes Spezza will enter other forms of media. We're looking to start doing some hockey photography at games either Amy or I attend. This may not work out but if not, there might be a non-hockey branch of DGS that starts dedicated to our love of the fine arts. Since both Amy and Matt are musicians/poets/writers you may want to check that out at some point. The future of this endeavor has yet to be decided.
First off, major stick taps and thank yous all around to the guys from Flyers Goal Scored By for putting together today's awesome event.
I only got 2 pics of the event to come out halfway decently on my phone. My Droid's camera is ultra sensitive and I'm not a pro with it yet. Anyway here they are.
DGS is on the right.
DGS on the left, the REAL Sarah Baicker
on the right.
Anyway, I would love nothing more than to do this again. Hopefully I can put some of my event planning skills to help make this event bigger and more awesome. If you were AT the OFFsides 2010 and want your pictures on DGS, email them to DownGoesSpezza and I'll get them up here.
Now onto the actual game itself. Honestly, I'm not gonna do a recap, rather I'm gonna share my story of what I saw from the seats.
I ended up at the game with a ticket that was acquired from a friend for next to no monetary cost for me. A huge get well soon to Amy who was too sick to attend the game with me.
I sat next to a very nice fan named Tom. A Flyers fan. He and I had a great hockey related conversation during the game. He showed a maturity and understanding of the game I have rarely seen. What surprised me most was that he was 16. This worries me, because quite honestly, if he can write half as well as he talks, I'm going to be out of a job once he finishes school. Anyway, I wish the kid the best of luck as he follows his dreams, he's going to go far.
Now sometime on Sunday, I'm gonna write a HUGE DGS announcement, stay tuned for it.
My good friend Peter Evans was nice enough to have me on his podcast, Up the Pucks! last night. It was a great experience and we got to talk hockey and it was awesome.
Last night Twitter went ablaze when PKLC and DGS got into it. Over what you may ask, competitive fantasy hockey!
Long story short, during a late night on Twitter, challenges were issued, gloves were dropped, cyber fists were thrown, and no one came out ahead. In order to prove that DGS is superior, at least as a Fantasy Hockey League owner, DGS and PKLC have a bet going on. When PKLC loses, our friends from PKLC will write about how awesome DGS is at life, blogging, humor and being awesome. We know it's coming, PKLC is going down. (For the PKLC delusion that DGS is going down, click here)
After laughing at their attempted superiority I have now devised my evil plan to defeat the PKLC, in April, the superior DGS will laugh as PKLC punches our lights out faster than Patrick Kane on a cab driver tells the truth about DGS.
[Note from Amy: I did NOT consent to this. This 'who has a bigger c**k contest' is between Matt and PKLC. La bonne chance, les messieurs.]
My name is Down Goes Spezza Matt. That's right, I have the same first name as my blogging brother. If you don't know who that is, then you must be new here, welcome. My blogging brother is Don't Trade Vinny.
Also, you may be curious as to what I look like, well, I posted a pic of me on twitter about a week ago (ironically seeing a picture of me was more popular than my previous 3 posts, the conclusion I've drawn is that I'm incredibly good looking.)
So here we go, the official DGS bio
Name: Matt Bernot
Height: 5'9" (Claims 5'11")
Weight: 145lbs (Claims 170lbs)
Age: 21
DOB: October 11, 1988
Position: Defense/LW
Shoots: Right
You can follow the real me on twitter @MattBernot if you're interested, I rarely tweet on it though.
Random facts about me in no particular order
I'm taller than the forwards on the Habs top line
I'm going for a dual degree on Political Science and Psychology
My career coal is work for the FBI as a Criminal Profiler in the BAU
I'm the unofficial psychologist of the blogosphere
My favorite players who are currently in the NHL are Simon Gagne, Kimmo Timonen, Mike Modano and Mikko Koivu
My favorite players when I was younger were John LeClair, Eric Desjardins, Peter Forsberg, Joe Sakic, Adam Deadmarsh and Ron Hextall
Hey guys! Guess what! DGS has a 100th post event for today, and tomorrow the 101st post.
Back in April, when I started, I had to beg my friends to view my site in order to get views. Now, I get a few hundred views every day. To all my loyal readers, thank you. If this is your first time here, welcome, please come back.
Those few hundred views a day are a result of some of my friends on the blogosphere. I've gotten mentioned in several other far more established blogs. Seriously, look below.
If you're not following me on Twitter, click on my twitter feed on the right and head on over and check me out there. Thank you again for all your support, you guys rock.
Well I spent a week in Florida that was rather relaxing and fun. I got to spend to time with my family, made a few new friends, met a guy who's fan of both DGS and Don't Trade Vinny, which in my book makes him awesome. I also had a pizza delivery guy named Dan E. (off his name-tag) who I tipped 18% on purpose, he got the joke too which was awesome.
Then there were the frustrations, like trying to find a Simon Gagne Lightning T-shirt, apparently they don't exist, come to think of it, hockey didn't seem to exist in Florida at all. I flipped through the Sept 10 edition of the Orlando Sentinel newspaper. There were MORE ads for guns in the paper than for any kind of hockey equipment (roller or ice) or NHL related stuff. I'll pause so you can read that again.
Moving on, I found some intelligent hockey fans in Florida that are not my family members. This was refreshing knowing that people follow the sport even though Florida media seems to refuse to acknowledge its existence. One of them, introduced to me by DTV via the interwebz showed me that there's hope for hockey in the southern USA.
Sometime after the season starts, when I hit a creative lull, I'll revisit that issue again, until then. I hope to write some posts about Flyers camp and all. So stay tuned. Soon, I will return to my humor oriented content, don't worry.
So, here we go, the entire NHL in one post. Eastern Conference, Western Conference, General NHL is the order I'm going in.
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
Pittsburgh Penguins
The Good: Max Talbot will be able to pick out every douche in the NHL and deliver a list of them to us.
The Bad: After Crosby and Malkin, the Penguinsseverely lack forward talent capable of scoring 120 points a season.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will be coddled by Gary Bettman's permanent man crush on Cindy Crosby
New York Islanders
The Good: Will have a guaranteed top 5 pick in the NHL draft due to playing 24 games against the Flyers, Penguins, Rangers and Devils all of which the Islanders will lose.
The Bad: Will run out of get well cards for Rick DiPietro by November.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the Democrats are able to push universal health care in the United States through in order to save on medical bills for DiPietro
New York Rangers
The Good: Will in fact win all 6 games against the Islanders due to the fact that they have Martin Biron.
The Bad: Will at some point sign Kyle Wellwood to a Redden-like contract.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope to every divine being known the man that Gaborik can avoid Dan Carcillo.
New Jersey Devils
The Good:
Signed shot blocking specialist Anton Volchenkov to throw his body in the way of any jars of jelly that Lou decides to throw.
The Bad: Have fallen victim to the fact that apparently the CBA matters.
Secret Strategy for the New Season:
Will fatten Brodeur up to the point where he covers the entire net even if pad free.
Philadelphia Flyers
The Good: Filled the "Craptastic Defensemen" void left by the departure of Ryan Parent with Andrej "Big Mesz" Meszaros.
The Bad: Now have to face the defending Stanley Cup champions in 4 rematches as the Hawks now play in the Eastern Conference
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have infinite hope in the idea that opposing shooters will never hit the net as they die laughing from realizing what the Flyers goaltending quality is.
Northeast Division
Montreal Canadiens
The Good: Will save money on pregame meals by being able to serve forwards from the kids menu.
The Bad: Decided to follow an idea presented by Down Goes Brown during the first around of the playoffs and are apparently going to start "Empty Net" as their goalie.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Players have worked on riot escape in practice as Montreal citizens tend to riot after every game regardless of result.
Toronto Maple Leafs
The Good: Can avoid worrying about such debates as "Who to draft in 2011?" because of their lack of draft picks.
The Bad: Have yet to find a way to remove Tomas Kaberle from the team.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will magically improve forward depth by re-signing Vesa Toskala and converting him to center.
Boston Bruins
The Good: Due the NHL's Salary Cap, the Bruins roster is set in stone with players such as Tim Thomas and Marc Savard still on the active roster and no way to move them.
The Bad: Will be forced to place Marc Savard on LTIR after he accidentally runs into Zdeno Chara's knee during practice causing Savard to suffer a concussion.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will avoid blowing 3-0 leads in the post-season by avoiding the post season altogether.
Ottawa Senators
The Good: Have 2 great backup goaltenders who are great for 10-15 games a season
The Bad: Have a player married to Carrie Underwood, picking up Tony Romo's sloppy seconds has been known to cause problems.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: When in doubt, the fire the coach.
Buffalo Sabres
The Good:Have a GM who's willing to save players like Tomas Vanek from signing with Edmonton.
The Bad: Will no longer be able to score easy goals due to the fact that Vesa Toskala is no longer a goalie in this division.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will continue to fly under the radar and ride Ryan Miller for as long
Southeast Division
Florida Panthers
The Good: Sports interest in Miami is now buzzing due to the acquisitions of LeBron James and Chris Bosh along with Wade's decision to stay.
The Bad: This has absolutely nothing to do with hockey.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Goalies for the Panthers no longer have to worry about being decapitated by Keith Ballard.
Carolina Hurricanes
The Good: Are set up with plenty of early first round picks coming from their tank job that should continue for another 3-4 years.
The Bad: After losing Michael Leighton to the Flyers and not resigning Manny Legace, the 'Canes now only have 1 goalie with Stanley Cup experience in Cam Ward.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope that other teams take pity on them and allow them to face 82 games of backup goaltenders.
Tampa Bay Lightning
The Good: New General Manager Steve Yzerman is a Jedi which will allow him to hopefully keep evil Sith Lord Darth Ellis in check. (Question Time: How many Twitter meltdowns does Ellis have during the season?)
The Bad: Will constantly be distracted by rumors of trading Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis, and Simon Gagne to the Canadiens for PK Subban and Carey Price as well as having to pay attention to what Dan Ellis says on Twitter.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will at some point, convince the Flyers to trade Jeff Carter for Paul Ranger.
Washington Capitals
The Good: Because of the tire-changing prowess of Brooks Laich, the Capitals will never be late to games due to flat tires.
The Bad: Like the US Congress, the team will be loaded with plenty of potential but will not actually get anything positive done when it matters.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the NHL teams fall victim to the idea that Mike Green is a defensemen when in fact he actually plays forward.
Atlanta Blackhawks...Thrashers
The Good: As of last check of the team's roster with players like Byfuglien, Kane and Ladd, they are the defending Stanley Cup Champions
The Bad: The team may suffer from an identity crisis as the Cup winning players will have a hard time adjusting to playing in the empty arenas of the Southeast Division.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will do everything they did last season when the team played in Chicago and hope that it works again.
Western Conference
Central Division
Detroit Red Wings
The Good: Will save money on team travel by being able to cash in AARP rewards on flights, hotels and team meals. The Bad: Will at some point begin to act their age. Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have decided that trading European MVPs to the Flyers for part time enforcing defensemen is a bad idea.
St. Louis Blues
The Good: Acquired playoff hero Jaroslav Halak from the Montreal Canadiens for next to nothing. The Bad: Were not told that Jaroslav Halak is Slovak for Choke's in Second to Last Round. Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will undoubtedly be the best team in the NHL named after a genre of music.
Nashville Predators
The Good: Acquired familiar face Ryan Parent from the Flyers. The Bad: Didn't realize that since Ryan Parent was traded to the Flyers from Nashville, he kinda started to suck. Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will hope opponents die laughing when Ryan Parent is forced to log 25 minutes a game as Shea Weber's defense partner.
Chicago Blackhawks
The Good: Are apparently the defending Stanley Cup Champions, which means that the team should be loaded with a roster of scoring forwards, competent defensemen and solid goaltending The Bad: Apparently, Blackhawks management seemed to have forgotten about small things like the NHL salary cap. Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will sell Atlanta Thrashers jerseys and such at home games inspiring the city of Chicago to support the Blackhawks playoff heroes.
Columbus Blue Jackets
The Good: Should the team make the playoffs, RJ Umberger will light up Jaroslav Halak per the clause in his contract that states he owns anything that ever played for the Habs in the postseason. The Bad: Seems that Steve Mason is a clone of Steve Penney.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have acquired former Oilers Captain Ethan Moreau, who will play far above any level played before out of sheer relief that he longer plays in Edmonton.
Northwest Division
Calgary Flames
The Good: The team's new acquisitions are already familiar with both the city and team as they all played for the Flames 3 years ago.
The Bad: The team's new acquisitions are dudes who PLAYED FOR THE FLAMES THREE YEARS AGO!
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will hope that this attempt at a tank job leads to Penguin-esque success.
Vancouver Canucks
The Good: Have an amazing player in Henrik Sedin and his twin Daniel as well too.
The Bad: Have a huge lockerroom void created by the loss of Kyle Wellwood.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will bank on the success of a backup goalie NOT named Andrew Raycroft.
Colorado Avalanche
The Good: Have a solid core of young players who are now all due for their sophomore slumps at the same time.
The Bad: Will not be able to rely on Peter Forsberg returning in order to save them.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope that Peter Budaj is actually Czech for Patrick Roy.
Minnesota Wild
The Good: Have a guy named Nicklas Backstrom on their team, and if what google tells me is true, then Nicklas Backstrom is a 80 point guy which makes him the perfect pair for Mikko "Numbers Don't Matter" Koivu on the top line
The Bad: Just realized that they have the OTHER Nicklas Backstrom and that numbers do matter.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will run on the hope that no one notices their existence again.
Edmonton Oilers
The Good: #1 Overall pick Taylor Hall has yet to demand a trade out of Edmonton
The Bad: #1 Overall pick Taylor Hall is getting closer to demanding a trade out of Edmonton
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Attempting to find a way to move the team out of Edmonton.
Pacific Division
And welcome to part 2 of our season previews. Today we're going out west and looking at the Pacific Division:
Anaheim Ducks
The Good: Brought in resident NHL Expert Andy Sutton to handle difficult questions regarding elbows to the head which should help the Ducks deal with issues regarding the new blind side hits rule.
The Bad: Made the mistake of trading Chris Pronger back in 2009, preventing his elbows from being acquainted with Sutton's skull every single day.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will inject secret anti-aging cream into Teemu Selanne and convince him he's a rookie again, then hope for another 76 goals.
San Jose Sharks
The Good: Let go of playoff choker Evgeni Nabokov in favor of proven winner Antero Nittymaki.
The Bad: Just realized that Nittymaki is only ever guaranteed to beat the defending Stanley Cup champion Atlanta Thrashers.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will tell Nittymaki that every game is against the Thrashers.
Phoenix Coyotes
The Good: Found Lee Stempniak after an 18 month NHL absence.
The Bad: Seem to have forgotten to resign him.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will make the Colts and move to Winnipeg in the middle of the night some time.
Lo
s Angeles Kings
The Good: Finally developed a quality NHL starting goaltender.
The Bad: Forgot to call him from from the AHL, meaning Bernier is still riding a bus...
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will have to hope and pray that Kerry Fraser is replaced by someone who gives them nightly Gretzky-esque calls.
Dallas Stars
The Good: Will no longer be distracted by Mike Modano telling stories of playing a game that ended with him having his name engraved on a giant silver trophy.
The Bad: In keeping with Eastern Conference traditions, will lose every game against the Sharks where the goaltending matchup is Niitymaki vs Lehtonen
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Allow Adam Burish's simple mind to be amused by simple things, like sitting in the press box or going to the AHL.
General NHL Predictions
Kerry Fraser may be retired, but the NHL has hired a new referee who is legally blind in order to prove that the disabled can have successful careers.
Gary Bettman is still stupid. (I call this, "playing it safe")
Stephane Auger will screw with all of us by calling a game perfectly down the middle.
Kyle Wellwood will eat his way onto a team.
Antti Niemi will remain unemployed until he gives up his contract demand of "not having another NHL caliber goaltender on the roster" is met.
Rick DiPietro will end up on LTIR. (Playing it safe again am I)
Pierre McGuire will move to Massachusetts and marry his 'Monster' Zdeno Chara
Once Edmonton has its first cold snap in December, Taylor Hall will demand a trade out of Edmonton
Joe Thornton will lead the Sharks with clutch play during the regular season and post-season before finally giving out during the Finals and saying "What, you think I changed at all"
The Phoenix Coyotes will find their way back to Winnipeg
