Weddings and Fun

Yesterday DGS attended a cousin's wedding, needless to say, Family Goes Spezza started asking me about when I was getting married and it got me thinking, what's it like to compare hockey and a wedding.


Wedding: A bunch of people attend an event where 2 people come together, say, "I do" and hopefully live happily ever after.
Hockey: A bunch of people attend an event where 2 people come together, say, "I do" and then proceed to punch each other repeatedly in the face before sitting apart for 5 minutes.

Wedding: Some marriages are just made in heaven and you know there's perfect chemistry between the couple.
Hockey: Some lines are just made via amazing trades and the draft and you know there's perfect twin magic between the Sedins.

Wedding: When something goes wrong, there's a detailed court system in place to sort it out.
Hockey: When something goes wrong, there's a Wheel of Justice and a Flowchart.

Wedding: Feigning illness or injury in order to either gain sympathy or avoid doing something for your spouse is a common technique that is only used after years of marriage.
Hockey: Feigning illness or injury to gain sympathy from referees is a constant event for players on the Vancouver Canucks.

Wedding: Meddling Mothers-In-Law tend to break apart marriages through possible conspiracies.
Hockey: Before June 2011, The NHL conspired against the 29 teams that did NOT employ one Greg Campbell.

Wedding: Brides with a checkered history still wear white to hide their past indiscretions.
Hockey: Sean Avery isn't afraid to let people know who has picked up sloppy seconds.

Wedding: Evil, impossible to satisfy brides who are always taking heads off are known as Bride-zilla
Hockey: Matt Cooke.

Wedding: Some people choose to "elope" or get married quietly without much fanfare with the only proof of marriage being a marriage certificate
Hockey: The Phoenix Coyotes played the Columbus Blue Jackets 4 times this season, allegedly.

Wedding: A good best man will deliver a toast that doesn't involve the phrases, "down in Tijuana" "while we were on spring break" or other unsavory stories, but if it happens, the groom just has to suck it up and deal with it and hope his marriage doesn't end before it begins.
Hockey: Taunting is now punishable because it hurts feelings. This is because last year, Chris Pronger was day-to-day with hurt feelings.

Flyers Excuses For Tonight's Pitiful Effort

So the Flyers gave a pitiful effort tonight in a 2-1 loss to the Blue Jackets. Luckily, the DGS SuperSpies managed to get into the Flyers lockerroom and we heard all the excuses on why the Flyers sucked tonight.


Scott Hartnell: "I felt like I overskated the puck because of the lack of hair to slow me down."

Nik Zherdev: Was convinced that Mathieu Garon was a Russian mob boss even though Garon is 100% French Canadian. (Per his interpreter, a guy who might actually be in the Russian mob)

Sergei Bobrovsky: "Mr. Boss-Lavi put me on bench"

Jeff Carter: "The bleach in my hair sunk into my brain."

Chris Pronger: "I vowed to have one game where I didn't elbow someone's skull in, this was that game."

Claude Giroux: "Wait, there's an NHL team in Columbus, I thought the world was joking. Oh merde."

Andrej Meszaros: "Rick Tocchet thinks I'm awesome."

Michael Leighton: "I literally broke my back carrying this team to the Cup Finals last year, cut me some slack...seriously I'm LTIR right now"

Matt Carle: "I saw the Dallas Stars were playing well, so I decided to imitate their defensemen, sadly I imitated them from last year." (Jason better love this one)

(Warning: Bad Pun Alert)
Blair Betts: "Never got an effective warmup in because Rick Tocchet thinks I'm the team bookie"

Danny Briere: "I kept looking to pass the puck to Hartnell, but I could never find him on the ice."



And there you have it

NHL 2010-2011 Season Preview: Central Division

Today we pick up with part 5 of our series on NHL Training Camp previews. It's the Central Division, meaning that the Atlantic will be last. So here we go.

Detroit Red Wings

The Good: Will save money on team travel by being able to cash in AARP rewards on flights, hotels and team meals.
The Bad: Will at some point begin to act their age.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have decided that trading European MVPs to the Flyers for part time enforcing defensemen is a bad idea.

St. Louis Blues

The Good: Acquired playoff hero Jaroslav Halak from the Montreal Canadiens for next to nothing.
The Bad: Were not told that Jaroslav Halak is Slovak for Choke's in Second to Last Round.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will undoubtedly be the best team in the NHL named after a genre of music.

Nashville Predators

The Good: Acquired familiar face Ryan Parent from the Flyers.
The Bad: Didn't realize that since Ryan Parent was traded to the Flyers from Nashville, he kinda started to suck.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will hope opponents die laughing when Ryan Parent is forced to log 25 minutes a game as Shea Weber's defense partner.

Chicago Blackhawks

The Good: Are apparently the defending Stanley Cup Champions, which means that the team should be loaded with a roster of scoring forwards, competent defensemen and solid goaltending
The Bad: Apparently, Blackhawks management seemed to have forgotten about small things like the NHL salary cap.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will sell Atlanta Thrashers jerseys and such at home games inspiring the city of Chicago to support the Blackhawks playoff heroes.

Columbus Blue Jackets

The Good: Should the team make the playoffs, RJ Umberger will light up Jaroslav Halak per the clause in his contract that states he owns anything that ever played for the Habs in the postseason.
The Bad: Seems that Steve Mason is a clone of Steve Penney.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have acquired former Oilers Captain Ethan Moreau, who will play far above any level played before out of sheer relief that he longer plays in Edmonton.