NHL Stars Tips To Beating The Heat

Yesterday, it was 103 degrees in my hometown. That's effin hot. Luckily I stayed cool because of a great AC and these tips for staying cool that were submitted to me by the amazing DGS Super Spies. Sadly, unlike the Miami Heat, this head wave doesn't disappear after 3. Luckily, here's how some NHL-ers are beating the heat.



Jonathan Toews: Walked outside wearing a winter coat, gloves, ski cap, and boots, stared at the air around him until it froze to an icy -62 Fahrenheit.

Ilya Bryzgalov: Gave the following quote, "Why you heff to be mad? Just use $51M to buy big air conditioner."

Dan Ellis: Commented that, "it takes more talent to survive in 100+ degree heat than it does to be a brain surgeon"

The Atlanta Thrashers: Packed up and moved to Winnipeg, and were never seen again.

Taylor Hall: Called Tyler Seguin and said, "that Cup doesn't keep you cool like Edmonton does."

Dany Heatley: Demanded a trade to Edmonton, Calgary or a demotion to ECHL Alaska.

Glen Sather: Signed the thermometer to a 12 year 78M contract because, "there's no way mercury gets cold in NYC winters."...he doesn't realize that a "No Movement Clause" doesn't mean the mercury will stay hot...L-O-L Rangers...L-O-L

Matt Cooke: Elbowed himself in the head, so he could sleep through the heat.

Paul Holmgren: Didn't get out of the heat because he didn't realize that 103 is higher than 75. He started suffering from heatstroke, the first symptom, he said, "Today, I will use math while making decisions."

Rick DiPietro: Ended up on LTIR after a bead of sweat fell off his head and onto his leg causing his ACL to tear.

Sean Couturier: Thanked his lucky stars that the 50-contract limit keeps him in the QMJHL.

NHL Baby Toys

I was talking to one of the 3 intelligent Caps fans on the planet, DCcheapSeats. She told me a story of how she took her niece to a Caps practice today and got her to say "hockey!" (and like most Caps fans, her niece pointed, said hockey and had absolutely no clue as to what she was talking about.)

Luckily, she'll be properly educated by the following list of NHL Baby Toys.




The Product- Baby's First Cooke
Why Your Child Needs It- Baby's first Cooke is a safe concussion inducing product that will teach your newborn how to properly throw elbows to the head behind the net and get away with it.
But Be Warned- No one will ever want to play with baby out of fear the Baby's First Cooke will try to kill it.


The Product- Tickle Me Pronger
Why Your Child Needs It- Tickle Me Pronger is a great way for your child to have fun. Depending how you tickle it Pronger will deliver different snarky retorts.
But Be Warned- It also has a tendency to elbow your child in the head, and recent models break easily and due to the "35+ Warranty" even if it breaks, you still are obligated to pay for it for the next 5 years if you give it back. However there is a loophole in the buyer's agreement, keeping it at home with the intent to fix it, will allow you to collect a reimbursement check equal to what you paid for it in order to guarantee you can buy another toy.




The Product- Uncle Paulie's Calculator
Why Your Child Needs It- Want your baby to learn math? Uncle Paulie's Calculator is a great tool for teaching your child basic mathematics.
But Be Warned- It's success rate is kind of terrible as Uncle Paulie was told "there would be no math"



The Product- The Hartnell Scooter
Why Your Child Needs It- The Hartnell Scooter is the perfect is the perfect little scooter for your young child to zip around the neighbor in.
But Be Warned- This scooter isn't very stable and tends to make your child fall over, a lot.


The Product- The Phila-Battery
Why Your Child Needs It- This battery is specially designed to be aerodynamic but light enough for your baby to throw. It will teach your child the lovely art of battery throwing in the Philly tradition.
But Be Warned-We're not saying you're a bad parent, but next time you tell your child something he/she doesn't like, we're not responsible for any blunt force trauma to your body if they turn it on you. We're also not responsible for damaged property or injuries incurred from damaged property when using this product



The Product- Luongo's First Goalie Pads for baby
Why Your Child Needs It- If you want your child to be a goalie, Luongo's First Goalie pads are designed specfiically for babies.
But Be Warned- Presents a huge choking hazard.


The Product- Easy Bake Emery
Why Your Child Needs It-Easy Bake Emery is the perfect way for your cranky child to relax, we're not quite sure what's in it, but it sure calms people down and makes them hungry.
But Be Warned- It's illegal in the USA.

The Product- Well-done Wellwood Oven

Why Your Child Needs It- Does your child seem to enjoy cooking? If so, the Well-Done Wellwood Oven is the perfect toy to teach your child how to cook. Why, just using the basic ingredients (sold separately) you can create snacks in under 20 minutes. 

But Be Warned- It's the leading cause of childhood obesity in the world due to the fact that it's not an oven, but a deep fryer.

The Product- Gillis Mystery Detective

Why Your Child Needs It-There's a conspiracy against the Canucks, help Mike Gillis solve it by playing this   video game and beating up such villains as Captain Serious and his evil sidekick girlfriend, Chelsea Dagger.

But Be Warned- The Murdersaurus is still an unbeatable enemy as for some reason, your party of HAMhuis, Bieksa and Raffi-Runner just refuse to fight it.

The Product- Hide and Seek with Chris Neil

Why Your Child Needs It-What child doesn't want to play hide and seek?

But Be Warned- It's impossible to find Chris Neil unless you're alone and defenseless. Seriously, I had Colton Orr with me the other day and Chris Neil was just impossible to find....

The Product- The Caps-Wagon

Why Your Child Needs It-This little red wagon is perfect for pulling your baby around the neighborhood. 

But Be Warned- It's made in Russia and breaks every April.

Reasons Steven Stamkos Hasn't Signed Yet

"It's been a while Mr. Stamkos. Please sign soon." Hockey Fans Everywhere.

Anyway, the Stamkos saga is still ongoing. But luckily the DGS Super Spies know why Stamkos hasn't signed.

1. Is holding out hope Glen Sather or Paul Holmgren will overpay him on an offer sheet.
2. Is trying to trade Vinny.
3. Wants to find a dramatic chipmunk
4. Cannot sign a contract until someone finds Paul Ranger
5. Told Gary Bettman he won't sign a contract until Tampa hosts Edmonton on NBC on a Sunday.
6. Wants to play in the NHL, and doesn't get that southern teams are actually NHL teams.
7. Thought the Bolts moved to Winnipeg instead of the thrashers
8. Went across the state of Florida to save the shuttle program by one-timing astronauts into space.
9. Thought the NHL lockout started a year early so he didn't think he needed a contract
10. Stamkos can't get through the 1-3-1 to get to the contract to sign it
11. Stamkos is too tall, he can't see the contract right in front of him being held by Marty St Louis
12. Stamkos wants to get away from Crazy Rolie the Goalie who keeps telling him about "that time the Edmonton Oilers went to the Stanley Cup Finals"
13. Can't decide whether he should fear Matt Cooke, Chris Pronger, Raffi Torres or Steve Downie most and therefore doesn't know who to join.
14. Is trying to figure out where to play in order to get Mattias Ohlund and Victor Hedman to pass him the puck. (Thanks DTV)

There you have it.

Weddings and Fun

Yesterday DGS attended a cousin's wedding, needless to say, Family Goes Spezza started asking me about when I was getting married and it got me thinking, what's it like to compare hockey and a wedding.


Wedding: A bunch of people attend an event where 2 people come together, say, "I do" and hopefully live happily ever after.
Hockey: A bunch of people attend an event where 2 people come together, say, "I do" and then proceed to punch each other repeatedly in the face before sitting apart for 5 minutes.

Wedding: Some marriages are just made in heaven and you know there's perfect chemistry between the couple.
Hockey: Some lines are just made via amazing trades and the draft and you know there's perfect twin magic between the Sedins.

Wedding: When something goes wrong, there's a detailed court system in place to sort it out.
Hockey: When something goes wrong, there's a Wheel of Justice and a Flowchart.

Wedding: Feigning illness or injury in order to either gain sympathy or avoid doing something for your spouse is a common technique that is only used after years of marriage.
Hockey: Feigning illness or injury to gain sympathy from referees is a constant event for players on the Vancouver Canucks.

Wedding: Meddling Mothers-In-Law tend to break apart marriages through possible conspiracies.
Hockey: Before June 2011, The NHL conspired against the 29 teams that did NOT employ one Greg Campbell.

Wedding: Brides with a checkered history still wear white to hide their past indiscretions.
Hockey: Sean Avery isn't afraid to let people know who has picked up sloppy seconds.

Wedding: Evil, impossible to satisfy brides who are always taking heads off are known as Bride-zilla
Hockey: Matt Cooke.

Wedding: Some people choose to "elope" or get married quietly without much fanfare with the only proof of marriage being a marriage certificate
Hockey: The Phoenix Coyotes played the Columbus Blue Jackets 4 times this season, allegedly.

Wedding: A good best man will deliver a toast that doesn't involve the phrases, "down in Tijuana" "while we were on spring break" or other unsavory stories, but if it happens, the groom just has to suck it up and deal with it and hope his marriage doesn't end before it begins.
Hockey: Taunting is now punishable because it hurts feelings. This is because last year, Chris Pronger was day-to-day with hurt feelings.

It Could Be Worse Folks...It Could Be a Lot Worse

The emails and tweets and Facebook messages I've been getting from Flyers fans you'd think Mr. Camping was right and the world had ended. Things could be worse folks, in fact, it could be like this....


The Flyers could have a history that involves 0 playoff wins and impending relocation to Winnipeg; apologies to the Atlanta Thrashers.

The Flyers could be named after a Disney movie; apologies to the Anaheim Ducks

The Flyers could be playing home games in Columbus, OH; apologies to the Blue Jackets and their one fan.

The Flyers could have imploded completely about half way through the season and missed the playoffs entirely, apologies to the Colorado Avalanche.

The Flyers could have acquired a goalie and at the cost of the defensive depth needed to fully utilize that goalie's skills. This is why the Hurricanes missed the playoffs

The Flyers could be run by Sutters, apologies to the Calgary Flames.

The Flyers could be known as the team that tries to use stanchions to decapitate players AND has a doctor on the ice at all times named Recchi; forget it, I'm not apologizing the Boston...

The Flyers could be stuck in Buffalo, apologies to the Buffalo Sabres that aren't named Miller, Gaustad, Myers or Kaleta and a wish that Steve Whyno gets transferred to Buffalo.

The Flyers could have the most annoying goal song ever and a backup goalie with a gambling problem, apologies to the Blackhawks. (If anyone can do better, I'll edit this one)

The Flyers could have massive ownership problems and be stuck in Texas, apologies to the Dallas Stars.

The Flyers could be forced to put a slimy, spineless, dirtball on the ice every game; thank GOD Detroit won't let Todd Bertuzzi go.

The Flyers could be the Edmonton Oilers.

The Flyers could be losing the one bright spot of their franchise and be left with nothing, apologies to the Florida Panthers, welcome to Tomas Vokoun, may I measure you for pads and a #29 Flyers sweater.

The Flyers could move west, and break their legs, and still be coached by Terry Murray and John Stevens, apologies to the LA Kings, please don't let Hextall beat me up.

The Flyers could have given a 7+ cap hit out to a player crippling their cap situation, apologies to Mikko Koivu and the Wild.

The Flyers could have riots after every single playoff game, pardon moi, Montreal.

The Flyers could have goaltending and D, but no scoring punch at all, ever, oh yeah, and they wouldn't know the meaning of the phrase "Conference Finals" apologies to Nashville.

The Flyers could be ducking jelly and have been coached by John MacLean for half a season, LOL DEVILS LOL!

Glen Sather could be taking over for Paul Holmgren tomorrow, Oh Rangers, please don't ever change.

Rick DiPietro could be a Flyer, with that 15yr contract. LOLanders.

The Ottawa Senators are a joke in and of themselves thanks to Jason Spezza's neutral zone drop passes to the other team and Chris Phillips being a total traffic pylon and Cory Clouston's odd coaching moves and Brian Murray's signings of players like Sergei Gonchar and Alex Kovalev and the fact that well, apologies to the 5 Senators fans on the planet who have to deal with that crap.

The Flyers could be the Phoenix Coyotes, where no one ever cares about them and everyone wants them in Hamilton, Ontario; apologies to Jim Balsillie for NOT being able to make this happen.

The Flyers could employ Matt Cooke and he might you know, take off a teammates head during practice, PenGOONs

The Flyers could choke every single postseason ever despite always finishing first in the conference, apologies to the San Jose Sharks.

The Flyers could lose a ton of money on silly ideas like giving season ticket holders their money back if the team misses the playoffs, apologies to the St. Louis Blues.

The Flyers could employ a midget and a bunch of hypocrites regarding spin-o-ramas, apologies to Simon Gagne, Dwayne Roloson and Sean Bergenheim only.

The Flyers could be owned by Harold Ballard and have John Ferguson Jr. as GM at the same time, apologies to the Toronto Maple Leafs, the only team with a Cup drought longer than the Flyers. 1967 happened BEFORE 1975.

The Flyers could be more concerned with getting spots on the 2012 Olympic diving teams rather than winning games all while being paranoid the world is out to get them, sound familiar Vancouver Canucks?

The Flyers could have faux-hawks and ride mopeds and do other douchey things like that; apologies to Washington Capitals fans who actually understand hockey, I know 3 of you.






See, it's not so bad...is it?

Other Things NHL Players Have Forgotten

So, earlier this weekend Flyers Captain Michael Richards tweeted about forgetting to pay his cable bill

Oh Richie, were you also expecting a phone call
informing you that the 2nd round of the playoffs
had started as well?

Well, honestly Mr. Richards isn't the only person in the NHL to forget something, as a matter of fact, many NHL players and personalities have been known to forget things, and here at DGS, we have the list.



Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten how to do basic math and has given the Flyers cap problems for at least the next 5 years.

Dan Ellis: Has claimed that he "forgot" to pay his ESCROW.

Nick Lidstrom: Is so old that he has in fact, forgotten to retire.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten the rules of the CBA pertaining to 35+ contracts and gave Pronger 7 years and a cap hit of 4.921.

The Toronto Maple Leafs: Have forgotten what the playoffs are.

Joe Thornton: Has apparently forgotten that he is playing in the playoffs right now.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten, like his predecessor, what "goaltending" is.

Kyle Wellwood: Forgets to stick to his diet.

Evgeni Nabokov: Forgot that the Islanders do NOT yet have a new arena and ended up lost on Long Island because he absolutely thought that there was no way an NHL team would ever play in the Nassau Coliseum.

Michael Leighton: Has forgotten how to close his 5-hole.

Paul Holmgren: Forgot that Michael Leighton doesn't know how to close his 5 hole and therefore gave him a 1.55 cap hit.

Chris Pronger: Would like to forget this year from hell.

Scott Hartnell and Kris Versteeg: Have both forgotten how to skate which led to the fun of Hartnell Down and Versteeg Down counts.

Jonathan Toews: Has forgotten how to blink, show emotion, and display normal.

The Boston Bruins: Have forgotten that it's perfectly OK to score when you're up a man.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten what a draft pick is due to the fact that the Flyers haven't had one in forever.

Roberto Luongo, and many of the Vancouver Canucks: Have forgotten the difference between a diving pool and an ice rink.

Matt Cooke: Will most likely soon forget the lesson he learned from his 17 game suspension for a headshot and will end up elbowing Gregory Campbell in the head early next season.

Gary Bettman: Has obviously forgotten that he doesn't work for the NBA anymore.

Patrick Kane: Has forgotten what it's like to be sober

The Flyers Entire Defensive Corps: Randomly forgets how to play defense leaving Brian Boucher alone against Zdeno Chara slap shots.

Daniel Carcillo: Forgot that some things, like questions involving sexual turn ons, are probably better left to realm of a "DM" on Twitter.

Ilya Bryzgalov: Forgot that the playoffs actually count.

Hartnell Down or Versteeg Down- The Final Numbers

Hartnell Down ended at 330, over 90 games, meaning he fell 3.3 times a game, or 1.1 times a period.




Other things involving 3.3 in the NHL:

-The average amount of goals per period allowed through the 5-hole of Michael Leighton

-Number (in millions of US Dollars) Glen Sather will overpay for a player.

-Amount of times Pierre McGuire says "leadership" per sentence when talking about MIKE "OMG LEADERSHIP!!1111!1!11!" Richards

-Amount of times, per shift, Jeff Carter shoots high and wide

-Amount of dives Robert Luongo takes per period

-Amount of headshots Matt Cooke gave me while I wrote this post

-Amount of goalie changes Peter Laviolette makes per post season game.

-Amount of healthy players the Flyers had left for game 4 against Boston.

-Amount of time, in seconds, Nikolay Zherdev gave a crap about defense during the entire regular season

-Amount of time, in seconds, Nikolay Zherdev was lazy during the post-season






Versteeg Down (18 for round 2; 26 for round 1 for a playoff total of 44)

44 by numbers:

-The number worn by Kimmo Timonen; the Finnish God of Defense

-The amount of time, in minutes, that Chris Pronger was fully healthy during playoffs

-The amount of shots, needed to score 45 goals, on the Flyers goaltending this year

-Amount of time, in years, before Paul Holmgren decides that goaltending is important

-Amount of headshots occurring per period in every NHL playoff game...if you trust people's reactions via Twitter

-Amount of time, in hours, Sean Avery can go without saying something stupid

-Amount of time, in seconds, it will take Glen Sather to overpay for a free agent on July 1

-Amount of new rumors, per day, linking big name UFA's Brad Richards and Christian Ehrhoff to the Toronto Maple Leafs

-Amount of rumors, per hour, claiming Tampa Bay is going to trade their captain, Vincent Lecavalier.

-Measure, in inches, of Tim Thomas's waist

-Amount of PIMs Chris Pronger had in 2010-11.

-Amount of elbows to head Chris Pronger throws per game

The Flyers Dictionary Translated

Many people were annoyed by the Chris Pronger injury situation. The Flyers kept announcing him as day-to-day (possibly with hurt feelings) and people didn't really understand why Chris Pronger missed so much time. Now, see the Paul Holmgren and the Flyers speak their own version of the English language. Luckily, the DGS-SuperSpies found the code to deciphering it. For your benefit as a Flyers fan, we're including some key terms here with their "Normal English" meanings


When the Flyers Organization Says: A player is day to day with a wrist injury
They Actually Intend to Say: OH DEAR GOD! His arm..blown away...it's gonna be amputated

When the Flyers Organization Says: We like that he (Zherdev) tried to give some effort.
They Actually Intend to Say: Nikolay Zherdev is still a useless piece of crap.

When the Flyers Organization Says: Our goaltending is good enough to win.
They Actually Intend to Say: Our goaltending is good enough to win, provided we don't screw up anywhere else because the goalies aren't bailing us out of anything.

When the Flyers Organization Says: Andreas Nodl is day to day with an upper body injury.
They Actually Intend to Say: He's missing half his face, he looks like some sort of Batman villain right now.

When the Flyers Organization Says: We haven't named a starting goalie.

They Actually Intend to Say: We don't have a starting goalie.

When the Flyers Organization Says: You just never know. You just need to keep your options open and keep a dialogue going with other teams, and you never know what can come up.
They Actually Intend to Say: DAMMIT! If a real true #1 goalie hit waivers, we are SO claiming him.

When the Flyers Organization Says: Typically you need your specialty teams to be effective in order to move on.
They Actually Intend to Say: But then team's like the Boston Bruins got out of the first round.

When the Flyers Organization Says: We're testing for a possible concussion.

They Actually Intend to Say: Matt Cooke decapitated our player, what else is new?

When the Flyers Organization Says: The injury update is pending further tests.

They Actually Intend to Say: Look he's dead, OK, stop asking. Funeral arrangements will come out tomorrow.

When the Flyers Organization Says: He's day to day.

They Actually Intend to Say: He's touch and go on life support in the ICU. No one's allowed to visit

When the Flyers Organization Says: We're always looking to improve the team.

They Actually Intend to Say: We're gonna add scorers and defense, but never a goalie.

When the Flyers Organization Says: We're looking forward to the draft.

They Actually Intend to Say: It's a great day for golf because we have no picks.

When the Flyers Organization Says: Michael Leighton is available to us.

They Actually Intend to Say: He's lost his god damn mind and he's in the facility, but in a padded room.

The 10 Pronger Commandments

As many of you know, I subscribe to the Religion of Christopher Robert Pronger, or for short, Pronger Orthodox. Needless to say, I feel compelled to share the 10 Commandments of Pronger for his imminent return and therefore, the impending doom of the Buffalo Slugs Sabres.

1. Chris is the Lord of the Elbows, you shall not have other elbows besides Chris.
2. Thou shalt only answer media with vain comments.
3. Remember to keep holy thy Pronger shift. (And make sure holey goalies, like Leighton are hidden)
4. Honor thy Pronger, and his Elbows
5. Thou shalt not kill with thy elbows, we're not Matt Cooke here
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless of course you're doing it to get a trade out of Edmonton
7. Thou shalt steal the puck. During, or after the game is acceptable.
8. Thou shalt not bear false elbows against thy neighbor, sometimes though, Crosschecks work too.
9. Thou shalt not covet thy opposing center, rather elbow him instead.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy opposing goalie, rather fight him instead.

Now you know

Analzying the Numbers: Hartnell Down

So as we all know, Scott Hartnell falls, a lot. And as we know, I count this with Seth, it's the Twitter hashtag #HartnellDown.

Anyway, the final was number was 241. So, now we're gonna look at the number 241 and compare it to the NHL

• 241>215, the most points in a season, set by Wayne Gretzky
  
• 241<255, the weight, in pounds, of professional goon Bruins Defenseman Zdeno Chara
  
• 241>222, Scott Hartnell's career regular season assist total
  
• 241>125 Gary Bettman's IQ....cubed
  
• 241<307 The amount of PIMs that Zenon Konopka had this year, 241 would good for second place, as Classless F**k**g Douchebag err...rather...Jody Shelley's punching bag Chris Neil
  
• 241<367 The amount of shots on net taken by Alex Ovechkin to lead the league, 241 would be good for #30, between John Taveres and Radim Vrbata
  
• 241<500,000,000 the amount of times Jeff Carter has shot high and wide
  
• 241>17, the amount of games Matt Cooke could be suspended for this year if the PenGoons last 7 games against Tampa.
• 241<245 The amount of games Paul Maurice overstayed his welcome in Toronto.
  
• 241<~578,000 The amount of people in Vancouver who fell over crying when the Wild beat the Stars.
  
• 241>0, the amount of people who think Roberto Luongo didn't crap himself when the Wild beat the Stars
  

Thanks for reading, tomorrow, we look at Hartnell Down as an average and what it means.

2.94 Hartnell Downs per game is comparable to the following things

• Amount of women Jeff Carter or Mike Richards sleeps with during a post game party
  
  
  
• Amount of orgasms per second caused by a Claude Giroux deke
  
  
  
• Amount of times Pierre McGuire thinks about Mike Richards per second of a Flyers broadcast
  
  
• Amount of Elbows Chris Pronger throws per shift
  
  
• Amount of heart attacks Peter Laviolette has per game because of Bobrovsky's puck handling.

DGS Podcast Episode 5: Kevin Sellathamby

Another Saturday, another podcast:


Today we got Kevin from In Lou We Trust.





Quick things we talk about (In no real order):

• Matt Cooke
• NHL Goonery and why Matt Cooke sucks
• The New York Rangers and why they suck
• The Devils sucking
• Flyers awesomeness
• TRADING TOMAS VOKOUN!
• Sean Avery?
• Raw Is PRONGER!
• Hockey Trivia

Matt Cooke's Secrets To Avoiding Suspension

Matt Cooke finally had the bomb dropped on him today getting a 4 game suspension. For a guy with so many dirty hits in his career; he sure escaped justice for a long time. It just so happens that he's run out of excuses to dodge a suspension. that being said; the DGS-SuperSpies obtained a list of Matt Cooke's excuses.


Ways Matt Cooke has avoided suspension:

• But Colie, Marc's a "little fake artist" he faked the video; I didn't touch him I swear.
  
• As I taught Andy Sutton; "you're not an expert"
  
• Unlike Daniel Carcillo; I have never played for the Flyers.
  
• Hey MEDIA PEOPLES! LOOK IT'S SIDNEY CROSBY AND HE IS DOING INTERVIEWS!!
  
• The Chewbacca Defense
  
• Look, none of my issues are sexual in nature, I'm not Avery or Wisniewski
  
• Paul Ranger is missing; can you find him?
  
• Evander Kane took my head off; no one did a damn thing
  
• But I'm the cookie monster! and I give the cookies to Kyle Wellwood