The Western Conference Quarter Finals

I did this last year and I'm doing it again this year, previewing the Western Conference playoff series to make sure you know how to be with your NHL playoff bracket.


#1 Vancouver vs #8 Chicago

What you need to know about Vancouver: Roberto Luongo fears the United Center

What you need to know about Chicago: Patrick Kane's still drunk from June 2010

Who's gonna win?- Chelsea Dagger stabs the Canucks again, Chicago wins in 6







#2 San Jose vs #7 Los Angeles

What you need to know about San Jose: Joe Thornton hasn't been that it's playoff time yet.

What you need to know about Los Angeles: Terry Murray and John Stevens are running their bench

Who's gonna win? Gotta be San Jose, Thornton won't see a calendar...and do you REALLY think a team with John Stevens on their bench has a playoff run in them?





#3 Detroit vs #6 Winnipeg Hamilton Quebec City Phoenix

What you need to know about Detroit: Detroit's roster remembers playing in the NHL before the NHL was in Winnipeg...come to think of it, I'm pretty sure the Red Wings remember the last time the Ottawa Senators won a Stanley Cup

What you need to know about Phoenix: Biz-Nasty plays for them, which means this series will have the most interesting tweets.

Who's gonna win? Since there's obviously no such thing as hockey in Phoenix...Detroit wins


#4 Anaheim vs #5 Nashville

What you need to know about Anaheim: They have 5 star players, Getzlaf, Perry, Ryan, Selanne and Visnovsky...but they're goalie is Dan Ellis and his backup is the #DanEllisProblems

What you need to know about Nashville: They're goalie is kinda huge...and not like Tim Thomas or Marty Brodeur. Also, they have a defenseman with a giant slapshot...wait...huge goalie...D-man with a 104+MPH slapshot...are you SURE we're not talking about the Bruins? Apparently, yes,  I can confirm, Nashville has a hockey team...and Mike Fisher-Underwood plays for them. Ok, then...wow...learn something everyday.


Who's Gonna win? Nashville, because Dan Ellis will refuse to stop Shea Weber's slapshot.

Team Phobias in the Playoffs

We all know that hockey players are a superstitious bunch. They love their rituals like playoff beards, not saying that word that's apparently constantly said in Flyerdom etc... Anyway teams also have phobias for the playoffs as well. Being that DGS lives around hockey, and has the DGS-SuperSpies always watching, I've obtained a list of phobias that some players or teams have going into this post season.


The Vancouver Canucks fear:
Chelsea Dagger, Patrick Kane, Chelsea Dagger, Patrick Sharp, Chelsea Dagger, Jonathan Toews (and the fact that he's freaking creepy as hell), Chelsea Dagger, The Chicago Blackhawks, Chelsea Dagger, games in the United Center, Chelsea Dagger.

The San Jose Sharks fear:
Joe Thornton seeing a calendar

The Philadelphia Flyers fear:
Michael Leighton's god damn 5 hole being involved in a game, going on the Powerplay, having a playoff caliber goaile, Mike Richards being nice to the media after a loss, Nikolay Zherdev playing 'defense'.

The Chicago Blackhawks fear:
Patrick Kane in a bar, Jonathan Toews being exposed as a Vulcan Android, John Scott seeing ice time.

The Pittsburgh Penguins fear:
Brent Johnson thinking that his teammates play for NYI when Pens wear the blue sweaters, Matt Cooke missing a blindside hit on an opponent and taking out a teammate, being exposed as an AHL team without Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin

The Montreal Canadiens fear:
Tall people, stanchions, Zdeno Chara, nothing at all because someone's burning that city down.

The Boston Bruins fear:
Zdeno Chara's impending arrest in Montreal, Short people, leads involving the number 3

The Washington Capitals fear:
The first round of the playoffs, someone taking ice cream away from Boudreau, not being able to grab their sack.

The Detroit Red Wings fear:
Youth, Missing Nap Time, cuts to Social Security payouts.

The Anaheim Ducks fear:
Teemu Selanne remembering his age, Corey Perry deciding that he's bored with being awesome, Ryan Getzlaf growing hair.

The Phoenix Coyotes fear:
Being noticed, Losing BizNasty's twitter account again because without it- no one knows they exist.

The LA Kings fear:
Puns involving Jonathan Quick, Jarrett Stoll being switched for Jared Staal

The Tampa Bay Lighting fear:
Karma for the Matt Walker deal, Rick Tocchet and Brian Lawton returning, Dwayne Roloson forgetting to drink from the Fountain Of Youth every day, Steve Downie remembering he's Steve Downie, Steven Stamkos deciding that Joe Thornton is his playoff idol.

The Nashville Predators fear:
Carrie Underwood pulling Mike Fisher-Underwood off the team to help with her music career, Barry Trotz growing a neck, Shea Weber hitting a teammate with a slapshot, Ryan Suter becoming Ron Sutter.

NHL 2010-2011 Season Previews: Pacific Division Edition

And welcome to part 2 of our season previews. Today we're going out west and looking at the Pacific Division:

Anaheim Ducks

The Good: Brought in resident NHL Expert Andy Sutton to handle difficult questions regarding elbows to the head which should help the Ducks deal with issues regarding the new blind side hits rule.

The Bad: Made the mistake of trading Chris Pronger back in 2009, preventing his elbows from being acquainted with Sutton's skull every single day.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will inject secret anti-aging cream into Teemu Selanne and convince him he's a rookie again, then hope for another 76 goals.

San Jose Sharks

The Good: Let go of playoff choker Evgeni Nabokov in favor of proven winner Antero Nittymaki.

The Bad: Just realized that Nittymaki is only ever guaranteed to beat the defending Stanley Cup champion Atlanta Thrashers.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will tell Nittymaki that every game is against the Thrashers.

Phoenix Coyotes

The Good: Found Lee Stempniak after an 18 month NHL absence.

The Bad: Seem to have forgotten to resign him.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will make the Colts and move to Winnipeg in the middle of the night some time.

Lo

s Angeles Kings

The Good: Finally developed a quality NHL starting goaltender.

The Bad: Forgot to call him from from the AHL, meaning Bernier is still riding a bus...

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will have to hope and pray that Kerry Fraser is replaced by someone who gives them nightly Gretzky-esque calls.

Dallas Stars

The Good: Will no longer be distracted by Mike Modano telling stories of playing a game that ended with him having his name engraved on a giant silver trophy.

The Bad: In keeping with Eastern Conference traditions, will lose every game against the Sharks where the goaltending matchup is Niitymaki vs Lehtonen

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Allow Adam Burish's simple mind to be amused by simple things, like sitting in the press box or going to the AHL.