Daria Meets the NHL

As many of you know, I've recently become obsessed with the show Daria. It got me thinking, what if NHL players/personalities were actually Daria characters.



Daria Morgendorfer: the protagonist of the show, she's quick-witted, intelligent and loves to troll.

Here is Daria trolling her own sister...



Remind you of someone....Daria Morgendorfer is Chris Pronger.



Brittany: The clueless dumb blonde cheerleader stereotype. She has no redeeming social value or intelligence or talent....


Remind you of someone....Brittany is any goon...


Trent Lane: Jane's underachieving, lazy, older brother. He plays in a band called Mystik Spyral. He doesn't have a real job,


Sadly you can't embed the video: http://youtu.be/COBuDtR8Fis 
It's Trent accepting an alternate plan, of sitting around doing nothing because Jane and Daria won't trust him to actually do anything complicated despite Trent being the only "adult" in the situation...

As my girlfriend is a CaroLOLna Hurricanes fan, I know that Trent is.....TOMAS KABERLE!




Jane Lane: Jane is Daria's best friend. She also attempts to BE Daria a few times despite not being as smart. They're an inseparable pair.




Since Daria is Chris Pronger and Jane is trying to be her, Jane Lane is.... Matt Carle, Ryan Suter, Shea Weber, Andrej Meszaros, Andreas Lilja, Luke Schenn....oh dear god the Flyers defense is totally screwed.



Mr. DeMartino:  The angry, misanthropic, self loathing history teacher.

Sorry: again, lack of embedding... http://youtu.be/4Md0bGSrzlw

Angry, snarky when asked questions by those who are SUPPOSED to ask questions...oh my god it's John Tortorella.


Tiffany: Member of the fashion club, complete idiot.





Let's see, dumb quotes, dumb explanations that make no sense... Tiffany is every NHL referee ever.



Quinn Morgendorfer: Daria's sister. Fashion club member. User of boys.

Quinn is, quite simply, a puck bunny.




Jake Morgendorfer: Daria's dad. He has big dreams, but never quite reaches potential.


Here's Jake not moving the Pentagon...

Jake has big dreams, but never really materializes...just like the Lockout to Lockout Toronto Maple Leafs.


Helen Morgendorfer: Daria's mom. She's business driven but totally clueless as to her own family...




Wait a second, somewhat nuts, moody and withdrawn but dedicated to her craft...it's Mike Richards



Kevin Thompson: Brittany's boyfriend and the stereotypical football player.

He's an oil-typhoon...or as Gary Bettman prays, the next owner of the Coyotes.



Well, stop standing on my neck, the post is over. ALRIGHT! *turns on Pigskin Channel*

The Flyers 2011-12 Roster...what will change from now (Goalie+D edition)

Goalies:
Brian Boucher: 2012 contract UFA- gone, bye-bye, see ya…no need for Boosh now.

Johan Backlund: 2012 contract 800K, 1way- he should clear waivers again and be the AHL starter, if not, the claiming team is on the hook for his WHOLE salary

Michael Leighton: 2012 contract 1.55M, 1way- Michael Leighton waiver-saver is now Michael Leighton which is English for Roman Cechmanek. He’s gonna be in the AHL unless the Flyers are lucky enough to sucker someone into trading for him.

Sergei Bobrovsky: 2012 contract 1.75M cap hit, 2-way, waiver exempt- Bob’s the 1-A goalie next year…expect him to start 30-35 games if the Flyers get a solid vet to pair him with or 50-55 if the Bob-Leighton show is in effect

Defenseman:

Kimmo Timonen: 2012 contract 6.33M cap hit 1 way- If Kimmo retires, his cap hit goes away. If he stays, he’s probably going to have some offseason surgery to clean up any of the nagging problems. Hope he’s ready to go come September.

Braydon Coburn: 2012 contract 3.2M cap hit 1way- He’s going to back. One of the 2 most solid Flyers D-men this year, and he’s got a reasonable cap hit. This means he’s good to stay. Also, see below.

Matt Carle: 2012 contract 3.437M cap hit 1way- Here’s the guy who I think gets moved. His amazing regular season will be overshadowed by his playoff implosion. The regular season will be the selling point in trade negotiations. The buyer, in my opinion will be Vancouver. The Canucks need to replace the UFA Christian Ehrhoff who’s going to get a massive pay day on July 1. Matt Carle is a similar player, less talented, but also comes at half the cost. Carle to Vancouver for picks or Carle+2012 picks for Cory Schneider is possible.

Andrej Meszaros: 2012 contract 4.0M cap hit 1 way- The Flyers best D-man this season. Played solidly in the playoffs. Next year though, he is not going to be coddled at the number 5 slot. He’s gotta play big minutes because at 36/37, Pronger and Timonen are slowing down.

Chris Pronger: 2012 contract 4.921M cap hit 1 way, 35+- Pronger is on the books no matter what. He may however, spend time on LTIR for the first half of the season. He apparently has the same back problem Leighton had last year. So once again, this team needs to win without Pronger.

Sean O’Donnell: 2012 contract UFA- he’s 39 and was a pylon. Number 6 D-men can be replaced. If SOD wants to come back at say, 750K, it’s a good deal. If not, Gustafsson, Walker or another UFA can fill this role.

Oskars Bartulis: 2012 contract 600k cap hit 1 way: He’s back, the 7th D-man again

Matt Walker: 2012 contract 1.7M cap hit 1 way: He’s the SOD next season. If he stays healthy. If not, waive him and use the cap space to grab another player.


The forwards will come up Sunday. Feel free to ask questions.

Hartnell Down and Versteeg Down: Round 1 Update

To end Round 1, Hartnell Down had a count of 48 and Versteeg Down had a count of 26.

Hartnell Down 48 by the numbers

• Shares a jersey number with linemate Danny Briere
• Height, in inches, of Nathan Gerbe
• Waist measurement of Kyle Wellwood
• Amount of years the NHL would have to control the Phoenix Coyotes before Bettman would ever consider moving them back to Winnipeg
• Times, per minute, Pierre McGuire says something about his love of Mike Richards during a TSN/NBC broadcast of a Flyers game.
• Elbows, per period, thrown by Pronger on unsuspecting opposing forwards
• Cigarettes smoked by Carey Price during an average intermission
• Shots high and wide by Jeff Carter during an average shift
• The age Teemu Selanne will be when his point total and age are the same
  

Versteeg Down 26 by numbers

• Shares a number with teammate Danny Syvret, Offensive Dynamo
• Heart attacks DGS has per game started by Sergei Bobrovsky where Bob tries to handle the puck
• Times Andrej Meszaros blasts that big slapshot wide per game on the PP
• Dirty hits, per period, of this postseason so far
• Times, per minute, Jack Edwards has accused the Habs of diving during Game 7 of Habs/Bruins
• Times, per period, someone accuses the Flyers of needing better goaltending
• Times, per game, I see the Ovechtrick commercial on Versus
• The amount of cents Patrick Kane probably needs to pay his cabbie
• The amount of shots Partick Kane drinks during an average game
• Saves Brian Boucher made during game 7 to send the Flyers to round 2...Ryan Miller then accused Brian Boucher of committing genocide
• Difference in height, measured in centimeters, between Kris Versteeg and Tyler Myers
• Times Jonathan Toews has blinked...in his lifetime

There, now you know.

DGS's NHL 11 Sims the Playoffs

Pretty self explanatory, I simmed the playoffs on my NHL 11 game complete with updated rosters and such. Anyway, here's the results for anyone who's curious.

-Western Conference First Round-

#8 Chicago defeats #1 Vancouver in 6 games- Obviously because even an electronic version of Roberto Luongo fears Chelsea Dagger.

#2 San Jose defeats #7 Los Angeles in 7 games- I guess, this is actually fairly accurate. I can see it happening. Also, in the game, after losing game 1 4-1 and going down 5-0 at the end of period 1 in game 2, Antti Niemi gave way to Antero Niittymaki who would win the series and hold onto the starting role.

#6 Phoenix defeats #3 Detroit in 4 games- Apparently the snakes scared the Red Wing into deciding that maybe they should retire south for the summer.

#5 Nashville defeats #4 Anaheim in 4 games- Well the only explanation here (and proved by the 7 goals he had) is that Dan Ellis was afraid to stop Shea Weber's slapshot. (Honestly, I don't blame him).

-Eastern Conference First Round-

#8 New York Rangers defeat #1 Washington in 6 games- In related news, water's still wet, Hell's still hot, Pronger's still snarky, and the Caps can't win playoff series against anyone.

#2 Philadelphia defeats #7 Buffalo in 6 games- I kept Chris Pronger out for this series, the Flyers still won as in 6 games Danny Briere had 10 points (2G-8A) and Mike Richards had 12 points (6G, 6A) and Jeff Carter had 9 goals. No, we don't know how many times Jeff Carter scored on Lisa Hartnell, the game doesn't track that.

#6 Montreal defeats #3 Boston in 4 games- Obviously because the Montreal police arrested the entire Bruins roster before the game, also, during Game 1, Tim Thomas suffered a "broken elbow" and was out 6-8 weeks forcing Tuukka Rask into net. Take that as you will. Also of note, Boston only scored 3 goals the entire season. Greg Campbell was a -6 (worst on the team) and Montreal won every game by 1 goal with Price tossing 2 SOs.

#4 Pittsburgh defeated #5 Tampa in 6 games- Even without Matt Cooke's head shots, the Lightning beat themselves because well, they failed to scout the ECHL scrubs who have been called up by Pittsburgh this season.

-Western Conference Second Round-

#2 San Jose defeats #8 Chicago in 4 games- Chicago, having completed their divine mission, rolls over to San Jose because the Sharks apparently don't choke in May in the video game realm.

#5 Nashville defeats #6 Phoenix in 6 games- another low scoring series, another series where Shea Weber scores a lot. 4 more goals in 6 games for him. Weber's now my Conn Smythe favourite at this point with 11G and 5A in 10 games.

-Eastern Conference Second Round-

#2 Philadelphia defeats #8 New York Rangers in 7 games- King Henrik records 2 Shutouts, which is 2 more than the entire Philadelphia team from October-present. Bobrovsky however never gives up more than 2 goals per game. Also, Marion Gaborik is injured with a "broken jaw" in game 1, causing him miss games 2-7...DAMMIT PRONGER!

#6 Montreal defeats #4 Pittsburgh in 4 games- Obviously the Habs are in Marc Andre Fleury's head. Or on them, or something. Also this series featured both PK Subban and Matt Cooke each racking up 60+ PIMs in this series alone. Hopefully, this happens in real life

-Conference Finals-

West: San Jose defeats Nashville in 7 games- Shea Weber loses his power, apparently Jumbo Joe is now the "cool guy" on the block. I know, hard to believe

East: Philadelphia defeats Montreal in 4 games- Montreal implodes, the team AND the city.

-Cup Finals-

The Philadelphia Flyers defeat the San Jose Sharks in 7 games with breakdowns as follows:

1. SJS 3 @ PHL 4 in 2OTs: Jeff Carter scores in OT unassisted to win it.
2. SJS 5 @ PHL 1: Joe Thornton nets a hat-trick, it's bizarro world...
3. PHL 2 @ SJS 3: Thornton nets a GWG in the third period, oddness continues.
4. PHL 0 @ SJS 1:  Joe Pavelski from Thornton-Marleau on the PP sinks the Flyers, Niity posts a 33 save shutout. Nitty Finals shutouts 1, Flyers Shutouts dating back 1 calendar year-0
5. SJS 2 @ PHL 9: Jeff Carter, Scott Hartnell and Chris Pronger each have hat tricks to pace the Flyers easily.
6. PHL 3 @ SJS 1: Joe Thornton ruins the shutout at 18:55 of Period 3, DAMMIT! But Meszaros has 3 helpers to keep the Flyers going.
7. SJS 4 @ PHL 5: The FLYERS WIN THE STANLEY CUP! Shutout Free!!

Conn Smythe Winner: Jeff Carter: 16 G 14 A in 24 games...clutch

The Curious Case of the Flyers Leadership Problem (Another Editorial)

(Editor's Note: Matt originally wrote this piece for another site that he writes for, it was so popular there and sparked a lot of positive discussion that we thought it best to double post it here for the DGS regulars. If you want to read the article at its original location click here)


A lot of people have recently began to loudly and vocally question whether or not Mike Richards should be wearing the "C" in Philadelphia. These people are mostly angry Flyers fans who seem to think that Richards is the sole holder of the blame of the Flyers struggles over the last 20 games. But is Mike Richards really the problem? I say not exactly.

First off, let's look at what wearing the "C" on your sweater actually means from a league perspective. The "C" is used to define who the captain of the team is. This means that the player with the "C" has the responsibility of delegating with the referees over disputed calls, communicating messages from the coach to the referees or scorers bench or timekeeper or penalty box staff. This is it, there's no provision that the "C" has to be 'pleasant' to the media. There's no provision that the "C" has to be excessively vocal or score 80 points a season. There's NO provision that a "C" has to like the city's baseball team. Richards handles his assigned duties well, and he's respected in the lockerroom by his teammates, coaches and GM.

So, what is the problem then? Well, I personally began to think, what if there are too many cooks in the Flyers kitchen. Now, I already mentioned Richards, but let's look at some of the other people in and around the Flyers.

Peter Laviolette is a very hands on, outspoken, active coach who doesn't mix words and tends to keep secrets from the media, and probably his players too, even though I cannot prove that.

Chris Pronger is a vocal, loud leader who isn't afraid to call teammates out while wearing the "A" for alternate captain.

Kimmo Timonen has recently taking to calling for hustle and urgency from his teammates in his straight to the point style.

Sean O'Donnell is a 39 year old veteran who's won a cup, when Pronger is being sarcastic to the media, SOD is usually the guy giving detailed answers to the media because of Richards media shortcomings and Pronger's massive use of sarcasm and snark.

Danny Briere is a former Captain of the Buffalo Sabres. His scoring touch and willingness to handle the French speaking media has been helpful to the team as he's the most experienced Francophone on the team. Also, his skill in the playoffs, even being called Mr Playoffs makes people look to him as a person who should be emulated during crunch time.

Jody Shelley's another player who, like OD, has a respected veteran voice in the lockerroom. This voice is why Lavi refused to scratch him during the middle of the season.

During the preseason, the following players wore "A"s: Braydon Coburn, Claude Giroux, Blair Betts, Darroll Powe and Scott Hartnell.

That's 10 players with leadership experience when there's 20 players on the ice. That's 50% of the team. Each person has their own unique style and while they seem to work together, and for sure intend to work together, are they somehow actually causing detriment to the team. Are they actually corrupting young and new players like Bartulis, Meszaros, Versteeg, Zherdev, Carcillo and the rest of that other half of the team.

To me the phrase "Too many cooks in the kitchen ruins the soup" comes to mind here. All of these guys together, no matter how hard they try, are not going to be 100% unified on every issue. Not only that, but the more "leaders" and "alpha personalities" in one room, the more likely that small issues will actually be big issues if the natural egos of leaders start rubbing together. There's something to be said about having a small corps of leaders, and maybe the Flyers recent struggles have lasted so long because the team's leadership had too many different ideas on how to stop it. It's a slippery slope, and quite honestly, none of us are in that lockerroom all the time to really know what's going on, but this playoff run will truly test this group. If they can get it together, this team has the talent to go far, if not, maybe, the solution is trading these "leaders" for solid players with more passive personalities so the committed long term leaders like Richards and Carter who will wear the orange and black for another decade, can really lead this team.

Maybe that's the answer, or maybe I'm just crazy.

Caption Contest 14

Yeah, I came across this....do your thing, kids. Do your thing kids since Mesz got his nose bashed in.

Write something clever...

Emptying the Mailbag: Real DGS emails...

If you follow me on twitter, facebook, or read the site, you know that I love to talk. You also know that I pride myself on being able to answer anything tossed my way related to hockey. Well, sometimes it gets to be too much, whether it's the trolls, the idiots on the Flyers facebook page or spambots, I've been totally cursed had the pleasure of dealing with some people who make me question the idea of "user friendly computers." Chances are, if you're reading this, you are NOT someone who sent me one of these emails. But if someone is reading this to you, well, you really shouldn't play with the computer unsupervised.


(Editor's Note: I won't reveal the names or email addresses of the senders for privacy reasons.)


10. "In http://downgoesspezza.com/2010/08/dgs-special-investigation-series-how.html, I tried to make the same trades on my PS3, they didn't work, you lied to me."

Because, yeah, it's my fault that your season simulation in be a GM mode didn't yield the same player growth that mine did...

9. "If you think Bobrovsky and Boucher are good enough for the playoffs, you're an idiot, this team needs Leighton, why won't you tell Lavi to call him up?"

Because Re-entry waivers...

8. "Jeff Carter only scores on Lisa Hartnell, you were right to finally tell us that. He totally sucks and should be traded"

This is a satire blog, that transcript was clearly marked as fictional, also, Jeff Carter has a higher shooting percentage than Alex Ovechkin.

7. "Wait, why no discussion of the Phillies?"

Yes, the guy who sent this was serious, I actually laughed him off thinking it was a joke...


6. "What do mean Ilya Kovalchuk's a true enforcer? He's only got 4-5 fights ever."

This Post: http://downgoesspezza.com/2010/10/ilya-kovalchuk-comes-clean-about-why-he.html

You REALLY think I'm being serious now don't you...


5. "I'm sick of Rangers fans like you thinking they know hockey..."

Oh for the love of...READ MY BIO

4. "Jeff Carter sucks, why do you keep defending him."

Well for one, shooting percentage doesn't lie...he's shooting BETTER than Ovechkin this year...

3. "The Flyers should trade Brian Boucher and get a real goalie" I pointed out the salary cap..."that doesn't matter, if they wanted it, they could do it" Ok, who would give up a real goalie for Brian Boucher "well, if Boucher was packaged with Zherdev and draft picks, then the Flyers could have Vokoun"...yeah because the fact that the Flyers couldn't GIVE Zherdev away on waivers means someone would trade for him without some sort of catastrophic incident...plus the picks don't exist due to the Meszaros and Versteeg trades

2. "Stop talking about this team like you know it, you're a god damn bangwagoner who's gonna jump ship ths second this team falls out of first place"

Yeah...right


1. "Crosby SUCKS!!!!!!!"

No, he doesn't...I hate him, but that doesn't take away the fact that he's one of the best players in the game today...

The 2011 Flyers Drinking Game

Ok, I've done a totally non serious drinking post before. Playing that game might cause death by the 2nd period. This one, is allegedly safer.
 (Editor's Note: no way to tell, DGS is Straight Edge)

So here we go, get some alcohol together...we recommend

Captain n Coke, Vodka n Cran, Sam Adams Bahstan Lagah, champagne and jello shooters.

Ok, this requires 3 players

Pass one beer to everyone playing, as well as one captain n coke and vodka n cran.



Rules: to "win" be the last person with a drink left.

Each person chooses one of the following players

Andrej Meszaros, Scott Hartnell, and Jeff Carter

you drink when your players does the following:

Meszaros: blasts a slap shot wide

Hartnell: Drink on Hartnell DOWN!

Jeff Carter: Drink on "Carter shoots high and wide"

All players drink on the following:

Steve Coates says: "I'm looking over (player)'s shoulder."

Brian Boucher causes a "Boosh" chant

Mike Leighton gives up a 5 hole goal....

Sergei Bobrovsky gives you a heart attack after playing the puck



Good luck, have fun.

Flyers New Year's Resolutions

Well, the Flyers are out on the Pacific Coast for a little road swing leaving DGS all alone with nothing to do except snoop around in the snow. What I found, was well, interesting. It's a list of the Flyers New Year's Resolutions. In the interest of doing a public service, I'm sharing it with the world.


Jeff Carter: To not get caught up in rumors involving sleeping with the spouses of other players.

Chris Pronger: To only steal things that are actually worth stealing. Fuck that, Pronger's too awesome to resolve to do anything.

Daniel Carcillo: Will hopefully remove Crosby's stache

Darroll Powe: To hopefully prove he's more than just a name

Danny Briere: To live up to his nickname of the "Magical Spearing Midget".

The Spear may be breaking,
but it's legacy lives on.

Claude Giroux: To practice safe deking as fan-related pregnancies are sky-rocketing.

Matt Walker: To get off LTIR. (Hip Surgery free in 2011)

Mike Richards: Break up with Pierre McGuire.

Sergei Bobrovsky: Bob.

Nikolay Zherdev: To become the first 40 goal scorer, without tallying double digit assists.

Michael Leighton: Well, it was going to be close the 5-hole, but given the state of things, he'll just settle to use the 5-hole in a live action game with the Flyers.

Brian Boucher: To learn Russian in hopes that it adds to the "List of Reasons to Keep Boosh Over Leights."

Scott Hartnell: To fall down less. (Okay, who is he kidding - to grow his hair back.)

Ville Leino: To help Homer clear cap space to sign him. (Collateral Damage may include Michael Leighton getting hurt again)

Jody Shelley: To score goals - that's what he's here for, duh!

Yes that's Jody Shelley, no, there
was no Photoshopping here.

Andreas Nodl: To crack into double digits in goals. He's grateful for whatever he gets, because Noodle Power keeps Philly running.

Blair Betts: To win more face-offs. To get noticed by someone.

Ian Laperriere: To teach the Phantoms heart - he has enough for all of them anyway.

James van Riemsdyk: To not take naps when the Eagles are completing a miraculous comeback. 

Kimmo Timonen: To construct a helmet that looks like a Viking helment because it would look cool, because Kimmo's our little Viking warrior. 

Viking Kimmo: Now you know his dirty secret.

Braydon Coburn: It seems vain, but he's looking to have a beak reduction so he can see the goal better when he shoots. 

Matt Carle: To prove he can look good without Pronger by his side. Because well, ya know Pronger's elbows are just so ugly....

Andrej Meszaros: To continue playing the way he did in Ottawa, not the way he did in Tampa. 

Oskars Bartulis: To find subtle ways to keep defensemen out of the line up so he can play. 

Sean O'Donnell: People who look like John LeClair are exempt from making resolutions. 

Peter Laviolette: To find an effective gum holder so he can yell at referees. (We personally recommend using the gum to hold Matt Walker's hips together)

How This All Happened: Return of the Homer

Now, just about anyone who knows anything about hockey some people (Editor's Note- including us) seem to think that Andrej Meszaros was gonna be a huge bust when he came to Philadelphia. A certain Bolts Blogger was rejoicing like he just got N64 on Christmas. This guy was a traffic pylon who never did anything right in Tampa. Now, he's in the top 10 in the NHL in +/- and anchoring the shut-down D-pair of the Flyers with Sean O'Donnell. We're all wondering how this happened.

Well, guess what, the DGS SuperSpies caught the first conversation between Big Mesz and GM Paul Holmgren after Holmgren arrived in Philly. We're sharing it with you now.

A picture of the first meeting, unlike the movie
this time the subject is turned.

[Meszaros surrenders himself to Darth Holmgren.]

Holmgren: The Pronger has been expecting you.

Meszaros: I know...GM.

Holmgren: So, you have accepted the truth?

Meszaros: I've accepted the truth that you were once Paul Holmgren, an NHL coach.

Holmgren: That job no longer has any meaning for me!

Meszaros: It is the name of your true self. You've only forgotten. I know there is good in you. The Pronger
hasn't driven it from you fully. [steps off to the side of the passageway, away from Holmgren] That was why you couldn't destroy me. That's why you won't bring me to Chris Pronger now.

Holmgren: [inspects Meszaros's hockey stick] I see you have constructed a new hockey stick. Your skills are complete. Indeed you are powerful, as the Pronger has foreseen. [bags the hockey stick again]

Meszaros: Come with me!

Holmgren: Tocchet once thought as you do. You don't know the power of the elbow! I must obey my master.

Meszaros: I will not turn. And you'll be forced to trade me.

Holmgren: If that is your destiny.

Meszaros: Search your feelings, GM. You can't do this. I feel the conflict within you! Let go of your hate!

Holmgren: It is... too late for me, son. The Pronger will show you the true nature of the Force. He is your master now.

Meszaros: [resigned] Then my laziness is truly dead.



At this point, Chris Pronger jumped out of the corridor and elbowed the suck out of Meszaros. The world went on to be a better place as the Flyers hit the 25 game mark with Meszaros and O'Donnell being the top 2 guys on the team in +/-.

Things The Flyers Are Thankful for this Thanksgiving

Have you ever wondered what the Flyers are thankful for this year? Guess what, the DGS superspies were able to find out.

Sergei Bobrovsky: "No English"

James van Riemsdyk: "That Nik Zherdev takes up Lavi's doghouse so no one notices that I suck"

Scott Hartnell: "My awesome wife Lisa"

Chris Pronger: "My Elbows"

Jeff Carter: "Lisa Hartnell"

Brian Boucher: "The fact that fans still say my name even I suck"

Jody Shelley: "Paul Holmgren's way of thinking, he gave me one hell of a contract"

Andrej Meszaros: "I was thankful for getting out of Tampa, til I realized Rick Tocchet came to Philly too"

Claude Giroux: "The ability to score on the ice with my stick, ;-)"

Peter Laviollette: "Timeouts"

Paul Holmgren: "Glen Sather's continued employment- it makes me look good"

Michael Leighton: "Getting to spend time in upstate NY"

Drink Up! The Official Flyers 2010-2011 Drinking Game

In keeping up with my friends at Hoosier Hockey who wrote a post on an NHL drinking game, we here at Down Goes Spezza have come up with our own, Philadelphia Flyers drinking game.

(Warning: We don't drink at DGS, feel free to poke fun at what we come up with because of that.)

So here we go.

What you need:

Jack Daniels Whiskey
your favourite Vodka (Jason: my resident alcohol expert big stick tap for his help with the recipes, recomments Ultimat, I have also heard good things about Stoly and Absolut)
Cranberry Juice, Sprite and Coke and Orange Juice
Captain Morgan
heavy cream
Bottle Kahlua
Enough bottles of Sam Adams Boston Lager so that everyone playing has 1.
Champagne

How to "win": Last person standing wins.


When the game starts:

If Boucher is in net: pass out the bottles of Sam Adams in honor of the New Englander, Boucher. Make toast and take a sip.
If Bobrovsky is in net: Make a White Russian for everyone in the room, take a sip.
If Leighton is in net: Mix the sprite and cranberry juice and chug it. We start drinking alcohol "Leight"er.

If it's a Flyers home game: continue sipping your Sam Adams with every "BOOSH!" chant in the Wells Fargo Center.

With the other goalies:

Drink your White Russian every time Bobs gives up a deflection goal
Make a sea breeze and drink that everytime Leighton forgets to close his 5-hole. (Note: First person to yell "close your legs Leighton!" does not need to drink)

(Amy's Note: If Matt keeps the bad puns up, I will revoke his posting privilege.)

Now:

Every time Daniel Carcillo takes a stupid penalty: Pass shots of Jack around.

If Jeff Carter scores: Pop the champagne and toast to Carter scoring on something other than Lisa Hartnell

When Jeff Carter misses wide: Use vodka and orange juice to make one screw driver. First person to make the comment of "But Carter scores on Mrs. Hartnell" chooses who has to chug said screw driver.

When Jody Shelley fights someone: Make a round of mimosas for the whole crew. Everyone has to drink it because NONE of you are as tough as Jody Shelley.

When Chris Pronger elbows someone:
If he's called for it, shots of vodka for everyone in honor of what the victim of said elbow will be doing to forget the pain.
If he's uncalled for it: Attempt to steal your neighbors starting goaltender drink without being caught, if you pull this off, your neighbor has to finish said drink after you inform of it. If you fail, you must finish all of your drinks for it.


If Nik Zherdev takes a shift where he gives crap: Have your favorite non-alcoholic drink of choice
When Nik Zherdev stops giving a shit: Pick up random alcoholic drink: have some to forget about why Zherdev sucks.

When Andrej Meszaros makes a bad pass, or is caught out of position, or turns the puck over: Face palm, grab 2 shots of vodka, drink up. Hope that when you wake up forget how terrible he is. (Note: If someone jokes that Ryan Parent is better, the first person to make said joke does not need to drink. Also, if someone wishes for Ryan Parent back, they are officially cut off from drinking and should be taken to the nearest hospital.)


Last person standing wins.


(EDITORS NOTE: WARNING! PARTAKE IN THIS AT YOUR OWN RISK! IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 21 IT IS ILLEGAL IN THE UNITED STATES TO PLAY THIS GAME. ALSO, DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE. FINALLY, DGS IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING YOU DO WITH REGARDS TO PLAYING THIS GAME.)

Flyers Excuses For Tonight's Pitiful Effort

So the Flyers gave a pitiful effort tonight in a 2-1 loss to the Blue Jackets. Luckily, the DGS SuperSpies managed to get into the Flyers lockerroom and we heard all the excuses on why the Flyers sucked tonight.


Scott Hartnell: "I felt like I overskated the puck because of the lack of hair to slow me down."

Nik Zherdev: Was convinced that Mathieu Garon was a Russian mob boss even though Garon is 100% French Canadian. (Per his interpreter, a guy who might actually be in the Russian mob)

Sergei Bobrovsky: "Mr. Boss-Lavi put me on bench"

Jeff Carter: "The bleach in my hair sunk into my brain."

Chris Pronger: "I vowed to have one game where I didn't elbow someone's skull in, this was that game."

Claude Giroux: "Wait, there's an NHL team in Columbus, I thought the world was joking. Oh merde."

Andrej Meszaros: "Rick Tocchet thinks I'm awesome."

Michael Leighton: "I literally broke my back carrying this team to the Cup Finals last year, cut me some slack...seriously I'm LTIR right now"

Matt Carle: "I saw the Dallas Stars were playing well, so I decided to imitate their defensemen, sadly I imitated them from last year." (Jason better love this one)

(Warning: Bad Pun Alert)
Blair Betts: "Never got an effective warmup in because Rick Tocchet thinks I'm the team bookie"

Danny Briere: "I kept looking to pass the puck to Hartnell, but I could never find him on the ice."



And there you have it

Flyers Nicknames: The First of my "Request" posts

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I an rather engaging of anyone who wants to talk. Hell, I'm on AIM at the screen name Down Goes Spezza for any one who wants to chat hockey (or criminal psychology) with me.

Late 90s Flyers from Alicia_44

Anyway since the season is starting soon, I have complied a list of nicknames of the Flyers nicknames in order to help you understand who I'm talking about during the season.

• Chris Pronger: God
  
  
• Kimmo Timonen: The Timonator
  
  
• Andrej Meszaros: Big Mesz, WHAT IN THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING HOLMGREN?
  
  
• Oskars Bartulis: Barty, Lil Latvian, the Ogre
  
  
• Michael Leighton: Leights, GODDAMMIT STOP SUCKING ALREADY!
  
  
• Brian Boucher: Bouch, oh god PLEASE NO ANYTHING BUT HIM AGAIN!
  
  
• Jeff Carter: Carts, Adulterer
  
  
• Scott Hartnell: Caveman, Carrot-top, Harts, 2 minute minor for...
  
  
• Nik Zherdev: whoopps he's gone...just disappeared again
  
  
• Darroll Powe: honestly, with a last name that awesome, he doesn't need a nickname
  
  
• Dan Carcillo: Trade Bait (guaranteed to attract a Sutter or Sather)
  
  
• Blair Betts: LTIR with Right Shoulder Injury, also Rick Tocchet's favorite player (Right DTV?)
  
  
• Bill Guerin: Billy G, Crosby's Ex
  
  
• Sergei Bobrovsky: Bob, oh my (a real) goalie!
  
  
• Claude Giroux: G, the Deke-master
  
  
• Braydon Coburn: Big C, Burner, BURN HIM!

NHL 2010-2011 Season Preview: Atlantic Division

I saved the best for last, the Atlantic Division. How are things gonna shape up here, DGS has the answers.

Pittsburgh Penguins

The Good: Max Talbot will be able to pick out every douche in the NHL and deliver a list of them to us.

The Bad: After Crosby and Malkin, the Penguins severely lack forward talent capable of scoring 120 points a season.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will be coddled by Gary Bettman's permanent man crush on Cindy Crosby

New York Islanders

The Good: Will have a guaranteed top 5 pick in the NHL draft due to playing 24 games against the Flyers, Penguins, Rangers and Devils all of which the Islanders will lose.

The Bad: Will run out of get well cards for Rick DiPietro by November.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the Democrats are able to push universal health care in the United States through in order to save on medical bills for DiPietro

New York Rangers

The Good: Will in fact win all 6 games against the Islanders due to the fact that they have Martin Biron.

The Bad: Will at some point sign Kyle Wellwood to a Redden-like contract.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope to every divine being known the man that Gaborik can avoid Dan Carcillo.

New Jersey Devils

The Good:

Signed shot blocking specialist Anton Volchenkov to throw his body in the way of any jars of jelly that Lou decides to throw.

The Bad: Have fallen victim to the fact that apparently the CBA matters.

Secret Strategy for the New Season:

Will fatten Brodeur up to the point where he covers the entire net even if pad free.

Philadelphia Flyers

The Good: Filled the "Craptastic Defensemen" void left by the departure of Ryan Parent with Andrej "Big Mesz" Meszaros.

The Bad: Now have to face the defending Stanley Cup champions in 4 rematches as the Hawks now play in the Eastern Conference

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have infinite hope in the idea that opposing shooters will never hit the net as they die laughing from realizing what the Flyers goaltending quality is.

This Left Feels Right: Wings that is

Today, we start looking at the Flyers wings. Like my pieces on goaltending, defense, and centers, we're gonna talk about the wings.


Dan Carcillo: Should be an effective player during the 4 minutes of time he gets to show his talents when not in the penalty box or serving a suspension. Should be traded at the deadline with the worst defensemen we have to the Maple Leafs for Luke Schenn, ala Downie/Eminger for Matt Carle.

Riley Cote: Unlike Brett Favre, I expect Riley to stay retired.

Claude Giroux: The little guy is gonna step up his game, finally bringing his playmaking skills to the regular season as well as the playoffs. If not, well, then he won't get a pick RFA payday at the end of the year.

Scott Hartnell: Hopefully will speed up due to the lack of resistance of the hair that he finally cut.

Ian Laperriere: Should find a clever way to break his face during the season even though he will be wearing a shield.

Ville Leino: If he's the 2nd coming of Gagne, then I will stop hating the Gagne trade, and replace it with great disdain.

Darroll Powe: Will hopefully be the new Arron Asham type player, in that he can score 10-12 goals, and hopefully be effective as a role player. Will kill penalties with a Betts-like effectiveness, no jokes here.

Jody Shelley: AHL Bus please, but will probably be a more expensive Cote. Hopefully he scores at the same pace with the Flyers, that he scored against the Flyers last year...then I won't totally hate him.*

Nik Zherdev: Back to Russia! Give me Simon!

James van Riemsdyk: Trade bait please? I'd deal him and Meszaros for Kaberle, too bad JFJ is no longer the Leafs GM.




*- Offer null and void if the guy gives me awesome fights.

Moving Forward Part 1: The Center of attention

Well, in order to complete my series on the Flyers for next year, I'm gonna look at the forwards. In order to not drive myself crazy, we're gonna do this by position. Up first the centers.

Mike Richards

1 high/1 low

High: Scored a career high in goals in 09-10

Low: Scored exactly 0 3 on 5 short handed goals thereby not extending the one NHL record he has.

Prediction for 10-11: Richards will be....RELENTLESS

Jeff Carter

1 high/1low

High: Kept up a great scoring pace that put the entire NHL to shame.

Low: Forgot how to score while ON the ice.

Prediction for 10-11: Carter will have a scoring touch, whether it's in the bedroom or on the ice is still to be determined.

Danny Briere:

High: Proved he's got a bit of toughness by actually dropping the gloves with Marc Vlasic of the Sharks during a game. Oh yeah, he was kinda successful during the playoffs too.

Low: His cap his is WHAT?!?!?!?!

Prediction for 10-11: Will become the new Simon Gagne, and not in the way we want him too. Luckily, this will all be forgiven when we find a way to trade him with Big Mesz to the Flames for Iggy and Kipper.

Blair Betts:

High: Who didn't love his penalty killing?

Low: His shoulders.

Prediction for 10-11: Will be the best PK guy in the NHL, with shoulders that make Randy Orton's look healthy.

High:

Reasonable Expectations: Andrej Meszaros and the rest of the Defense

Well, it is time once again for everyone to climb aboard the D-Train.

Just as we looked at the Flyers goaltending situation a few weeks ago, DGS is now taking a look at the defense corps. This time, we include best case scenario stat predictions for our Defensemen.

As in the Flyers defense, and this is a somewhat serious post as to what we can expect from our Flyers defensemen this year.

Once again, I have to make this perfectly clear: There is a huge DGS thank you to Don't Trade Vinny for his help with a lot of what you're seeing this week. I honestly could not have come up with all this without him.


Defensemen

3 Oskars Bartulis
6' 2" 184
Jan 21, 1987
Ogre, LVA


09-10 regular season stats

PHL: 53GP 1G 8A 9P 28PIMs

Review in a word: Ordinary
In a sentence: Bartulis didn't wow anyone, but for the most part, he also avoided major mess ups as well.

Forecast: he's gonna spell the 6 regulars and be the first guy inserted due to injury.

10-11 Numbers: 20GP 0g 5A 5P 10PIMs but plays solid D when we need him to


25 Matt Carle
6' 0" 205
Sep 25, 1984
Anchorage, AK, USA

09-10 regular season stats
80GP 6G 29A 35P 16PIMs

Review in a word: Suprising
In a sentence: Carle lived up this 3.437 cap hit and proved that he can be a future #2 NHL d-man.

Forecast: Can he repeat with improvements, Pronger and Timonen are both turning 36 this year, which means Carle and Coburn need to step it up and take on bigger minutes.

10-11 Numbers: 80GP 10g 35A 45P 20PIMs




5 Braydon Coburn
6' 5" 220
Feb 27, 1985
Shaunavon, SK, CAN

09-10 regular season stats
81GP 5G 14A 19P 54PIMs

Review in a word: Dissappointing
In a sentence: Coburn was horribly inconsistent during the regular season and honestly got way more than he should have on his contract.

Forecast: Like Matt Carle, Braydon Coburn needs to step up if the Flyers have a shot at repeating as Eastern Conference Champions.

10-11 Numbers: 80GP 7g 18A 25P 70PIMs

41 Andrej Meszaros
6' 2" 223
Oct 13, 1985
Povazska Bystrica, SVK


09-10 regular season stats (w/ TBL)
81GP 6G 11A 17P 50PIMs

Review in a word: Disaster
In a sentence: He can only go up, right?

Forecast: $4 million for #5 D-man, I swear, he better be good at something before Holmgren convinces Sutter to take Mesz for a first rounder

10-11 Numbers: 80GP 5g 15A 20P 50PIMs


6 Sean O'Donnell
6' 2" 237
Oct 13, 1971
Ottawa, ON, CAN

09-10 regular season stats (W/ LAK)
78GP 3G 12A 15P 70PIMs

Review in a word: Dependable
In a sentence: Solid proven winner with great leadership skills, enough said.

Forecast: Just needs to hold down the fort like he did in 2007 when the Ducks won the cup, I am not asking for much, just to be better than Ryan Parent.

10-11 Numbers: 70GP 2g 8A 10P 80PIMs


20 Chris Pronger
6' 6" 220
Oct 10, 1974
Dryden, ON, CAN


09-10 regular season stats
82GP 10G 45A 55P 79PIMs

Review in a word: Divine
In a sentence: Chris Pronger is awesome, divine and amazing.

Forecast: He turns 36, can he still keep it going.

10-11 Numbers: 80GP 7g 33A 40P 90PIMs




44 Kimmo Timonen
5' 10" 194
Mar 18, 1975
Kuopio, FIN

09-10 regular season stats
82GP 6G 33A 39P 50PIMs

Review in a word: Dependable
In a sentence: I love Kimmo, I do, but, at the same time, I'm reminded that Kimmo carries a 6.33 cap hit, then I don't love him so much anymore.

Forecast: He's old, and on the downside, this could be scary, or amazing.

10-11 Numbers: 80GP 5g 25A 30P 40PIMs






8 Matt Walker
6' 4" 215
Apr 7, 1980
Beaverlodge, AB, CAN

09-10 regular season stats (w/ TBL)
66GP 2G 3A 5P 90PIMs

Review in a word: Suck
In a sentence: It's Jimmy Vandermeer version 2.

Forecast: Should spend most of his time in the AHL.

10-11 Numbers: 30GP 0g 0A 0P 70PIMs







Other thoughts:

Meszaros's career numbers are like Coburn's so, I'm hoping that if the 2 of them get their stuff together then, good things will happen, if not, well, then I'm hoping we can pass them off to Calgary for something good.

Holmgren does have a habit of trading horrible defensemen for good things:

Case 1: Zhitnik for Coburn
Case 2: Downie/Eminger for Carle
Case 3: Tollefsen for Leino

The Winds of Change are Blowing: NHL Relocations for 2010-11

Like many offseasons, this summer has seen a lot of movement in the NHL, and I don't just mean trades and free agency, which have been oddly quiet. Some of it may be confusing for a casual fan who didn't follow the news as it happened. Luckily we here at DGS have compiled the following guide to help you understand what's been moved around.

• The Chicago Blackhawks moved the team to Atlanta in the weeks following their Stanley Cup win, this was done in order to hide the Stanley Cup from the Daley Political Machine who would probably try to steal it. In the words of Rod Blagojevich "I got this cup, and it's fucking silver."
• The Philadelphia Flyers and Montreal Canadiens recently started a joint business venture to do the unthinkable: bring the NHL to Tampa, Florida. This new project, tentatively called "the Tampa Bay Lightning" is made up of Habs and Flyers castoffs like Dominic Moore and Simon Gagne, they'll be coached by the Habs AHL Hamilton Bulldogs coaching staff and are slated to play in the Southeast Division of the Eastern Conference, Habs owner Mike Leighton has yet to comment on the deal. I wish them the best of luck.
• A certain GM named Sutter opened up a "Blast from the Past" Museum in Calgary by picking up former Flames like Olli Jokinen. In order to avoid being a one trick pony, Sutter also showcases a list of "Former Maple Leafs" exhibit.
  
• Vesa Toskala has been forced to relocate to Finland, but only because the Finns apparently can't kick Finnish citizens out of Finland. However, with the way things are going in Philadelphia, it's safe to assume he's gonna be their starting goalie by December. (GOD HELP US ALL!)
  
• In a case of things NOT being moved, the Edmonton Oilers still in fact, play in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
• Sami Salo recently attempted to move a muscle landing him in the ER again, however, this actually led to him being placed in a padded room to prevent him from hurting himself while performing basic day-to-day tasks. He promptly broke his jaw while attempting to chew his liquid breakfast shake.
• In order to maximize the summer vacations he has every year, Brian Burke will continue to look to relocate all his draft picks so as to avoid having to take time off from his vacations in order to draft players.
• Denis Grebeshkov relocated himself to the KHL allowing him to play in his native Russia. Honestly, after spending 2.5 years in Edmonton and then trying to play hockey in Nashville, I'd probably try to do the same thing.
• Paul Holmgren gave Andrej Meszaros another shot at playing in the NHL after he disappeared for the last 2 years. This is because Holmgren saw what bringing in a bad contract did with the Habs after they took on Scott Gomez's salary, and how the Hawks won a cup with Brian Campbell and CristoLOL Huet on their team. He still has the last laugh as we all know the Rangers are still stuck with Wade Redden.
• Mike Modano is attempting to relocate himself somewhere, anywhere, he's sure he wants to go, but sadly no one's letting him in when he knocks.
• Tomas Kaberle has yet to be relocated, but only because of the hypocrisy of Brian Burke, he demands a top-6 forward for him, which means he should have dealt Kaberle to the Flyers for Andrej Meszaros by now, as after checking the Leafs depth chart, I'm pretty sure Mesz could fit in there.
• Johan Hedberg relocated himself to the easiest NHL job on the planet, backing up Martin Brodeur of the NJ Devils, this job entails only one responsibility, making sure that Lou can't get his hands on any jars of jelly.
• The Phoenix Coyotes are actively attempting to move the entire team and every trace of it to Winnipeg. As if hockey ever existed there...
• Mike Green was allegedly relocated to the Capitals defense corps, however, after scouring hours of video, there is no known evidence of Mike Green actually playing defense.
• Max Talbot relocated himself to be the temporary hot topic of the NHL by calling Alex Ovechkin a "douche". While it is refreshing to see Sidney Crosby on the back burner for 20 seconds, it's hard to understand what the big deal over Talbot stating a well known fact is. Also, inb4 Andy Sutton asks "are you an expert?" Max Talbot better know a douche when he sees one, he plays on a team with Matt Cooke and Sidney Crosby in a league where Gary Bettman is the commissioner.
  
• Speaking of people calling people names and getting in the news for it, where the hell did Sean Avery run off to? I haven't heard of him saying anything in over 2 months.
• Antti Niemi will soon relocate to the KHL after no NHL team pays the 6,250,000 the arbitrator gives him because of Niemi's argument that he DID play better than CristoLOL Huet.
• Speaking of KHL relocations, Evgeni Nabokov relocated to the KHL because after years of watching Joe Thornton choke at the thought of running into a Chris Pronger elbow during the postseason, Nabby couldn't bear to play a whole season with Chris Pronger's elbows that close to his skull. Honestly, did Holmgren forget to tell him that Keith Ballard is NOT a Flyer?
• In another story involving non-relocation, the NHL will still be on Versus next year, meaning you probably will never have to worry about seeing its existence.
  

Seeing the Brightside, A DGS look at the Gagne trade

I've waited to post this, mainly because I wanted to avoid an unoriginal and pathetic rant about how much I miss Simon. Quite honestly, for that, my Twitter feed to the right should have supplied plenty of that. (Ain't I right DTV?)

With that, I recently posted an analysis on Blades of Funny of some of Holmgren's trades, here's what I came up...reposted here for my loyal DGS-ers



Let’s take a quick look on some of Paul Holmgren’s odd moves

Case 1: Trading Alex Zhitnik to ATL for Braydon Coburn

Well, this was basically a steal for the Flyers

Case 2: Trading Peter Forsberg to Nashville for Upshall, Parent and 2 draft picks
Then trading the picks back to NSH for Scott Hartnell and Kimmo Timonen

ok, so Parent’s back in NSH, Upshall got kicked to Phoenix for Carcillo, Kimmo and Harts are gonna end up killing our cap barring some more moves, but these guys did produce in Philly (except Parent in the Finals)

Case 3: Upshall to PHX for Dan Carcillo

I dislike Carcillo, no denials, but the fact is, Upshall wasn’t gonna see top line time as an RW with Joffrey Lupul and Mike Knuble ahead of him. Well, what if he stayed for 09-10 you say, and I say fine, where would Briere, Carter, Giroux, Lappy be moved to in order to find a slot for Upshall. I love Upshall, yes, but he wasn’t gonna fit in and so getting something for him was a good deal.




Case 4: Parent to NSH for a 7th rounder and Rights to Dam Hamhuis,
NSH 7th Rounder to SJS for Rights to Nabby
Rights to Dan Hamhuis to Pittsburgh for a 3rd Rounder

Wait, Ryan Parent, Ryan F-ing Parent for a third rounder from the Penguins, uhh, steal…duh

Case 5: Ole Tollefsen and 2nd rounder for Ville Leino

Tollefsen’s in the SEL, and Leino lit up everyone he saw in the playoffs, epic win enough said.





So, Holmgren has a knack for getting stuff done…trading Gagne and 2nd round pick for a 4th, Meszaros and Walker might just work out…if not, then my final example…

Case 6: Steve Eminger and Steve Downie to Tampa for Matt Carle…yes Homer has a way of moving Bad D-men out for good ones…



my pick for the 2010 edition

Andrej Meszaros and Dan Carcillo somewhere for a D-man who doesn't suck...guess that excludes Wade Redden, Tomas Kaberle, and Mike Green*

*-(Editor's Note: Why Mike Green made a list of DEFENSEMEN is beyond me)




I wish Gagne the best of luck but if he comes up gimpy in a game with the groin, or takes a Matt Cooke elbow…I won’t be surprised