Well, it seems that Lavi is at it again, just pulling lines at random and inserting them on to the ice. The thing is, these lines aren't random, in fact, the lines come from a come from a long list of rules that must be adhered to. Luckily, the DGS SuperSpies obtained this list and we're gonna share it.
1. Due to the lack of centers, Couturier, Briere, Schenn, Giroux and Talbot are not allowed to be on a line together.
2. Scott Hartnell falls for linemates, he has to removed from a line after falling to prevent the center from possibly having relations with his wife.
3. Danny Briere will take a stick foul if left with the same linemates for more than 2 consecutive shifts.
4. Paul Holmgren believes that changing Couturier's line fast enough will actually slow down time allowing him to slide Couturier even though he plays in 82 games.
5. After a shift, when Matt Read says, "and I learned that at Bemidji" State," any forward within ear shot has to go to the lockerroom to look up how to spell Bemidji.
6. Sometimes players miss shifts on account of being dazed from Chris Pronger's left elbow.
7. Jake Voracek hasn't quite learned the system of "rely on your talented young center to get you the puck"
8. Due to the smaller ice surface of North America, while sitting on the bench, Jagr actually thinks he's playing the game.
9. Peter Laviolette rotates his forwards on account of not having goalies to rotate anymore.
10. Paul Holmgren accidentally called out line changes from the GM's office...needless to say, like his math skills, his memory of lines leaves much to be desired.
Showing posts with label Jagr. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jagr. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Flyers Dark Horse Choices For Captain
Well, a lot of people seem to think the Flyers will give the "C" will go to one of three players: Kimmo Timonen, Chris Pronger, or Danny Briere.
But the fact is, there are some deserving candidates for the "C" in Philadelphia and now, we're gonna go through the Pros/Cons of 5 other players on the Flyers roster.
The Candidate-Scott Hartnell
His strengths- He's known for being a drill sergeant which is always good for having a disciplined team.
His weaknesses- Does anyone actually think Hartnell is capable of running a skating drill?
The Candidate-Matt Carle
His strengths- He's known for being a solid defenseman especially during even strength play which where most of the game is played.
His weaknesses- Allegedly disappears when Chris Pronger isn't around.
The Candidate- Blair Betts
His strengths- His calm demeanor even in tough PK situations is great for mentoring young players.
His weaknesses- He is Blair Betts. No one really knows too much about his personality and one day as Captain would be probably involve more interviews than Betts has done in his entire NHL career up to this point.
The Candidate- Max Talbot
His strengths- Totally learned how to handle tough Wells Fargo Center crowds from playing on the Penguins
His weaknesses- He is probably still a douche.
The Candidate- Jaromir Jagr
His strengths- He's totally betting on being named Captain, and Jagr's gambling has never been a problem.
His weaknesses- Something he says about being a former "Capitals superstar forward" has many people confused.
But the fact is, there are some deserving candidates for the "C" in Philadelphia and now, we're gonna go through the Pros/Cons of 5 other players on the Flyers roster.
The Candidate-Scott Hartnell
His strengths- He's known for being a drill sergeant which is always good for having a disciplined team.
His weaknesses- Does anyone actually think Hartnell is capable of running a skating drill?
The Candidate-Matt Carle
His strengths- He's known for being a solid defenseman especially during even strength play which where most of the game is played.
His weaknesses- Allegedly disappears when Chris Pronger isn't around.
The Candidate- Blair Betts
His strengths- His calm demeanor even in tough PK situations is great for mentoring young players.
His weaknesses- He is Blair Betts. No one really knows too much about his personality and one day as Captain would be probably involve more interviews than Betts has done in his entire NHL career up to this point.
The Candidate- Max Talbot
His strengths- Totally learned how to handle tough Wells Fargo Center crowds from playing on the Penguins
His weaknesses- He is probably still a douche.
The Candidate- Jaromir Jagr
His strengths- He's totally betting on being named Captain, and Jagr's gambling has never been a problem.
His weaknesses- Something he says about being a former "Capitals superstar forward" has many people confused.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Flyers Tweets (stick tap DTV)
So, Don't Trade Vinny did a piece on Lightning First Tweets
This got me thinking, what if some Flyers got twitter, what would they say...
@JagrBomb68: "Totally won the Jagr sweepstakes pool in Vegas. Made millions."
@FallingScott: "Fell flat on my back when I created this thing, but I'll keep trying"
@CaptElbows: "hey panotch...GUESS WHO #Winning"
@Kimmo44: "Drinking my secret Viking Warrior potion. SUOMI TIME!"
@BlairBetts: "OMG SOMEONE BOUGHT MY T-SHIRT!"
@Coburn5: "My nose is just a nose, I swear, it doesn't have superpowers"
@LatvianWolf: "HOWL! I'm pressbox wolf!"
@MeatTrainPHI: "I AM NOT JEFF CARTER!"
@LaviCakes: "Taking a 30 second tweet break to construct the best tweet ever"
@UnclePaulie: "First 25 attempts at this all failed, whats 140 limit? why is there math? I got told, there would be no math"
This got me thinking, what if some Flyers got twitter, what would they say...
@JagrBomb68: "Totally won the Jagr sweepstakes pool in Vegas. Made millions."
@FallingScott: "Fell flat on my back when I created this thing, but I'll keep trying"
@CaptElbows: "hey panotch...GUESS WHO #Winning"
@Kimmo44: "Drinking my secret Viking Warrior potion. SUOMI TIME!"
@BlairBetts: "OMG SOMEONE BOUGHT MY T-SHIRT!"
@Coburn5: "My nose is just a nose, I swear, it doesn't have superpowers"
@LatvianWolf: "HOWL! I'm pressbox wolf!"
@MeatTrainPHI: "I AM NOT JEFF CARTER!"
@LaviCakes: "Taking a 30 second tweet break to construct the best tweet ever"
@UnclePaulie: "First 25 attempts at this all failed, whats 140 limit? why is there math? I got told, there would be no math"
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Jaromir Jagr-Chris Pronger Transcript
Many people were shocked by the Flyers signing Jaromir Jagr last week. In fact, we all thought he would sign with the Penguins, Habs, or Red Wings, but then were surprised when in fact, Paul Holmgren inked Jagr. Later on in the day, it was revealed that Chris Pronger made a phone call to Mr. Jagr. Luckily the DGS Super Spies were able to snag a transcript of that call. Here it is, for you.
Jagr- Dobré odpoledne. Já jsem Jaromír Jagr.
Pronger- Jaromir? This is Chris Pronger. We need to chat.
Jagr- Oh, Mr. Pronger, Lord of the Elbows.
Pronger- That's me!
| He's watching you, ready to trade you as soon as you sign a long term contract with a future NMC |
Jagr- Dobré odpoledne. Já jsem Jaromír Jagr.
Pronger- Jaromir? This is Chris Pronger. We need to chat.
Jagr- Oh, Mr. Pronger, Lord of the Elbows.
Pronger- That's me!
Jagr- Why you call here?
Pronger- We need to talk.
Jagr- About?
Pronger- Who do you plan on signing with?
Jagr- The Penguins of course.
Pronger- Now why would you do that?
Pronger- We need to talk.
Jagr- Why?
Pronger- Because I don't like the Penguins
Jagr- But you're not playing for the Penguins, I am. What's the big deal?
Pronger- I don't like the Penguins.
Jagr- I don't see how this affects me, however.
Pronger- Do you remember my elbows?
Jagr- Yes.
Pronger- What do my elbows do?
Jagr- Give people concussions. Break jaws. Injure people.
Pronger- Do you see where this is going? The cold Siberian winters haven't frozen your brain now have they.
Jagr- If I sign with Pittsburgh, you're going to elbow me, aren't you?
Pronger- 6 games, 3 periods, we each should have 10-12 shifts a game against each other. So, assume 20-24 elbows per game.
Jagr- I shall sign with Philly, but there's no cap space.
Pronger- Like cap space is a problem. Holmgren can't do math. Fleece him like I did. I have a 35+ contract worth nearly 5M per season. It runs until I'm 43.
Jagr- I shall call Holmgren now. Thank you, Mr. Pronger.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
NHL vs WWE
Ok, maybe this post is a product of the fact that I (like many hockey fans) am a fan of the WWE. Maybe this post is a product of attending the 11/29 Raw in Philly last night. Maybe this post is a result of Greg Wyshynski's wrestling themed season previews. Maybe it's a combination of some or all of the above. But either way, if you've ever wondered; there are a lot of parallels between the NHL and WWE. Come to think of it, some NHL personalities would fit perfectly with a WWE counterpart. Let's have a look.
WWE: The Rock
NHL: Chris Pronger
Both have outstanding interview skills and have won many awards/titles for their exploits on the playing surface. Also, both are known for finishing off opponents with a devastating elbow.
WWE: Million Dollar Man
NHL: Dan Ellis
Both love money. Both are willing to use their money to get what they want. Neither one has ever won or will ever win a world championship.
WWE: Mr. McMahon
NHL: Gary Bettman
One is an evil commissioner hellbent on making live miserable for fan favorite Stone Colt Steve Austin for being a rebellious anti-hero. The other is just flat out evil.
WWE: Rikishi
NHL: Dustin Byfuglien
Both are really big dudes who are known for using their backsides to obscure the vision of opponents. (Yes I know Buff plays D now...)
WWE: The Miz
NHL: Sidney Crosby
Both are talented to an extent, and both are shoved down our throats mercilessly. Also, both of them have faces that make me want to punch them. Both were handed titles by the powers that be even though they may not have deserved them.
WWE: The Undertaker
NHL: Mark Recchi
Both are old legends who can still go at it. Both are highly respected and each has a mystical aura about them. Recchi for still being able to bring it, and 'Taker for just being awe inspiring.
WWE: Ric Flair
NHL: Chris Chelios
Both are old, still going, and it doesn't make sense how they're still around. I'm pretty sure they're about the same age too.
WWE: Sheamus
NHL: Sergei Bobrovsky
Rookie sensations who were tossed right into the fire soon after their debuts. Bobs had a preseason featuring 2 games against mostly developmental talent and the Toronto Maple Leafs (Editor's Note: developmental talent and Toronto Maple Leafs is redundant). Both then soon would defeat someone considered to be the best..with Bob beating the Penguins on opening night and Sheamus knocking out HHH for an inhuman amount of time.
WWE: The Godfather
NHL: Carey Price aka Smokey McFornicate
Both love women, both love smoking. Both have "hos" following them around.
WWE: Santino Marella
NHL: Paul "BizNasty" Bissonette
Neither one is really talented at their trade, but both are incredibly funny.
WWE: Wade Barrett and Nexus
NHL: Bobby Clarke and the Broad Street Bullies
These groups each debuted, and quickly led violent takeovers over the establishment. Barrett is the leader of Nexus and Clarke was Captain of the Bullies. These groups were known for just beating anyone down who stood in their way.
WWE: Kurt Angle
NHL: Jaromir Jagr
Two incredibly talented athletes, both are Olympic gold medalists and both have won the highest championships in their sport. Also, both then ditched the most well known league in their sport for another less competitive league.
This means...
WWE: TNA
NHL: KHL
WWE has TNA, a place for old, over the hill veterans and those who just can't go anymore to still get a good paycheck. The NHL has the KHL for the same reasons.
WWE: John Cena
NHL: Paul Ranger
John Cena is known for coming out and telling people, "You can't see me" and we literally can't see Paul Ranger as no one knows where the f he is these days.
WWE: Matt and Jeff Hardy
NHL: Kyle and Eric Wellwood
Two sets of brothers. The older brother has a weight issue while the younger has immense amounts of talent. The only question, will Eric Wellwood develop the same drug problem
WWE: Edge
NHL: Marion Hossa
The Ultimate Opportunists, these guys both want championships and are willing to sell themselves in order for chances to get them.
WWE: Rey Mysterio
NHL: Martin St. Louis
Both are vertically challenged dudes who led underdogs to the title wins.
WWE: Bella Twins
NHL: Sedin Twins
Twins who could pull switches and no one would ever notice. (Editor's note: DGS has an easier time telling the Bella Twins apart)
WWE: Big Show
NHL: Zdeno Chara
Each one is the largest dude in his sport.
WWE: Chris Jericho
NHL: Claude Giroux
The man of 1004 holds meets the man of 1004 dekes. Enough said.
This is the first NHL meets Wrestling posts, Kevin from In Lou We Trust and I are going to be working out another one that should go up sometime next month
WWE: The Rock
NHL: Chris Pronger
Both have outstanding interview skills and have won many awards/titles for their exploits on the playing surface. Also, both are known for finishing off opponents with a devastating elbow.
WWE: Million Dollar Man
NHL: Dan Ellis
Both love money. Both are willing to use their money to get what they want. Neither one has ever won or will ever win a world championship.
WWE: Mr. McMahon
NHL: Gary Bettman
One is an evil commissioner hellbent on making live miserable for fan favorite Stone Colt Steve Austin for being a rebellious anti-hero. The other is just flat out evil.
WWE: Rikishi
NHL: Dustin Byfuglien
Both are really big dudes who are known for using their backsides to obscure the vision of opponents. (Yes I know Buff plays D now...)
WWE: The Miz
NHL: Sidney Crosby
Both are talented to an extent, and both are shoved down our throats mercilessly. Also, both of them have faces that make me want to punch them. Both were handed titles by the powers that be even though they may not have deserved them.
WWE: The Undertaker
NHL: Mark Recchi
Both are old legends who can still go at it. Both are highly respected and each has a mystical aura about them. Recchi for still being able to bring it, and 'Taker for just being awe inspiring.
WWE: Ric Flair
NHL: Chris Chelios
Both are old, still going, and it doesn't make sense how they're still around. I'm pretty sure they're about the same age too.
WWE: Sheamus
NHL: Sergei Bobrovsky
Rookie sensations who were tossed right into the fire soon after their debuts. Bobs had a preseason featuring 2 games against mostly developmental talent and the Toronto Maple Leafs (Editor's Note: developmental talent and Toronto Maple Leafs is redundant). Both then soon would defeat someone considered to be the best..with Bob beating the Penguins on opening night and Sheamus knocking out HHH for an inhuman amount of time.
WWE: The Godfather
NHL: Carey Price aka Smokey McFornicate
Both love women, both love smoking. Both have "hos" following them around.
WWE: Santino Marella
NHL: Paul "BizNasty" Bissonette
Neither one is really talented at their trade, but both are incredibly funny.
WWE: Wade Barrett and Nexus
NHL: Bobby Clarke and the Broad Street Bullies
These groups each debuted, and quickly led violent takeovers over the establishment. Barrett is the leader of Nexus and Clarke was Captain of the Bullies. These groups were known for just beating anyone down who stood in their way.
WWE: Kurt Angle
NHL: Jaromir Jagr
Two incredibly talented athletes, both are Olympic gold medalists and both have won the highest championships in their sport. Also, both then ditched the most well known league in their sport for another less competitive league.
This means...
WWE: TNA
NHL: KHL
WWE has TNA, a place for old, over the hill veterans and those who just can't go anymore to still get a good paycheck. The NHL has the KHL for the same reasons.
WWE: John Cena
NHL: Paul Ranger
John Cena is known for coming out and telling people, "You can't see me" and we literally can't see Paul Ranger as no one knows where the f he is these days.
WWE: Matt and Jeff Hardy
NHL: Kyle and Eric Wellwood
Two sets of brothers. The older brother has a weight issue while the younger has immense amounts of talent. The only question, will Eric Wellwood develop the same drug problem
WWE: Edge
NHL: Marion Hossa
The Ultimate Opportunists, these guys both want championships and are willing to sell themselves in order for chances to get them.
WWE: Rey Mysterio
NHL: Martin St. Louis
Both are vertically challenged dudes who led underdogs to the title wins.
WWE: Bella Twins
NHL: Sedin Twins
Twins who could pull switches and no one would ever notice. (Editor's note: DGS has an easier time telling the Bella Twins apart)
WWE: Big Show
NHL: Zdeno Chara
Each one is the largest dude in his sport.
WWE: Chris Jericho
NHL: Claude Giroux
The man of 1004 holds meets the man of 1004 dekes. Enough said.
This is the first NHL meets Wrestling posts, Kevin from In Lou We Trust and I are going to be working out another one that should go up sometime next month
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The Truth About Washington Capitals Fans
(Editors Note: DGS actually wrote this post in April right before the Capitals got eliminated from the playoffs. Now, with the cycle starting again, we feel the need to inform the world about
Well, it seems that the NHL has a new fad, being a “fan” of the Washington Capitals. As a public service announcement to the rest of the NHL, we here at Down Goes Spezza feel compelled to let you know about the different types of Capitals “fans”, and what to do if you see one.
The College Kid: He/She doesn’t actually like hockey, they just happen to go to a school in/near Washington D.C. and therefore have a habit of turning up at Caps games.
How to spot one: Look for a crowd drunk 18-24 year olds. They’re so smashed they can barely stand. Also, they tend to travel in packs screaming about their love of Alex Ovechkin.
What to do if you see one: Smile, laugh, then ask them to name a player on the Caps third line, when they find that impossible, mock them. [They’ll be too intoxicated to actually fight you, don’t worry]*
The “I Just Got Into Hockey” Fan: These people just got into hockey; they assume the Caps have been good forever and that Alex Ovechkin can do anything.
How to Spot One: Wearing red, only red, and they have no idea the Caps had a different sweater prior to 2007. Come to think of it, they have no idea the Caps existed before 2007
What to do if you see one: Ask them about the Jagr years and then laugh hysterically when they can’t answer, give them a history lesson, watch them deny the past. Finally, feel disturbingly satisfied on the inside.
The Alex Ovechkin Groupie: Both males and females can fall into this category. It’s actually kind of creepy.
How to Spot One: They wear everything Alex Ovechkin, Jersey, with an AO t-shirt under it, have an AO hat, and AO written on their socks, jeans and underwear.
What to do if you see one: Ask them a question about the Capitals goaltending and defensive situations, be amused by their inability to understand the concept.
The Bandwagoner: The largest group of Caps fans right now. They magically appeared when the Caps won a President’s Trophy in 2009-2010.
How to Spot One: If you’re ever in their home, you’ll see the following sweaters in their closet: Joe Thornton, Mats Sundin (Canucks), and Chris Pronger (Blues).
What to do if you see one: Question them about the above mentioned sweaters. Allow their answers to make you laugh. Then ask to wear their Pronger jersey. After putting it on, elbow their skull in.
The Lifetime fan: Someone who has followed the Caps since they entered the league in 1974 and is still with the team.
How to Spot One: It’s really hard right now to find one on the streets, but look for the guy wearing a Peter Bondra or Adam Oates jersey. If you’re in the Verizon Center, it’s actually rather easy, since they have the old Caps colors on.
What to do if you see one: Tell them you feel sorry for them because of the above mentioned groups.
The Loyal Lifetime Fan: Someone who followed the Caps since they entered the league in 1974.
How to Spot One: Right now, in 2010, you won’t. They all committed suicide or ran for the hills because of the top 3 groups of fans.
What to do if you see one: Cover your brain to survive the zombie apocalypse while being thankful that neither Mark Recchi nor Chris Chelios play for the Caps.
Well, it seems that the NHL has a new fad, being a “fan” of the Washington Capitals. As a public service announcement to the rest of the NHL, we here at Down Goes Spezza feel compelled to let you know about the different types of Capitals “fans”, and what to do if you see one.
The College Kid: He/She doesn’t actually like hockey, they just happen to go to a school in/near Washington D.C. and therefore have a habit of turning up at Caps games.
How to spot one: Look for a crowd drunk 18-24 year olds. They’re so smashed they can barely stand. Also, they tend to travel in packs screaming about their love of Alex Ovechkin.
What to do if you see one: Smile, laugh, then ask them to name a player on the Caps third line, when they find that impossible, mock them. [They’ll be too intoxicated to actually fight you, don’t worry]*
The “I Just Got Into Hockey” Fan: These people just got into hockey; they assume the Caps have been good forever and that Alex Ovechkin can do anything.
How to Spot One: Wearing red, only red, and they have no idea the Caps had a different sweater prior to 2007. Come to think of it, they have no idea the Caps existed before 2007
What to do if you see one: Ask them about the Jagr years and then laugh hysterically when they can’t answer, give them a history lesson, watch them deny the past. Finally, feel disturbingly satisfied on the inside.
The Alex Ovechkin Groupie: Both males and females can fall into this category. It’s actually kind of creepy.
How to Spot One: They wear everything Alex Ovechkin, Jersey, with an AO t-shirt under it, have an AO hat, and AO written on their socks, jeans and underwear.
What to do if you see one: Ask them a question about the Capitals goaltending and defensive situations, be amused by their inability to understand the concept.
The Bandwagoner: The largest group of Caps fans right now. They magically appeared when the Caps won a President’s Trophy in 2009-2010.
How to Spot One: If you’re ever in their home, you’ll see the following sweaters in their closet: Joe Thornton, Mats Sundin (Canucks), and Chris Pronger (Blues).
What to do if you see one: Question them about the above mentioned sweaters. Allow their answers to make you laugh. Then ask to wear their Pronger jersey. After putting it on, elbow their skull in.
The Lifetime fan: Someone who has followed the Caps since they entered the league in 1974 and is still with the team.
How to Spot One: It’s really hard right now to find one on the streets, but look for the guy wearing a Peter Bondra or Adam Oates jersey. If you’re in the Verizon Center, it’s actually rather easy, since they have the old Caps colors on.
What to do if you see one: Tell them you feel sorry for them because of the above mentioned groups.
The Loyal Lifetime Fan: Someone who followed the Caps since they entered the league in 1974.
How to Spot One: Right now, in 2010, you won’t. They all committed suicide or ran for the hills because of the top 3 groups of fans.
What to do if you see one: Cover your brain to survive the zombie apocalypse while being thankful that neither Mark Recchi nor Chris Chelios play for the Caps.
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