Reasons Drew Doughty is Holding out

So, another day has come and gone and Drew Doughty has yet to sign a contract. Luckily, the DGS SuperSpies have actually been able to plant a bug inside the LA Kings GM's office to listen in on their negotiations with one Mr. Drew Doughty and Mr. Dean Lombardi. (Seriously, getting stuff from Philly to LA is super easy, even if one package got stuck in Tampa for a year.)

Anyway, after listening to the tapes of the negotiations, we've been able to get lists of Drew Doughty's demands with regards to his new contract.

1. Using Wade Redden's salary as a comparable, Drew would like to be paid in proportion to how much better than Wade Redden he is.
2. Doughty seems to be complaining that head coach Terry Murray, who was hired after he was drafted, keeps labeling him a "Marc Crawford" guy.
3. Drew Doughty wants a guarantee that the LA Kings actually sign a prominent UFA forward sometime.
4. Mr. Doughty is waiting for an offer sheet to force a move, too bad they never get used.
5. Using Charlie Sheen and Two and a Half Men for inspiration with regard to contract negotiations has him holding out and getting ready to party.
6. Drew Doughty has vowed to not sign a contract  until after Phoenix gets a permanent home.
7. Doughty just wants to see what kind of whacked out rumors Eklund comes up with.
8. He's using a tactic he calls the "2010 Evgeni Nabokov"
9. There seem to be some voice mails from Paul Holmgren asking why Doughty thinks his RFA rights are owned by Philly. Holmgren keeps saying he signed him to an offer sheet but the league won't authorize it because 51>50. Holmgren says that he "doesn't quite get that math thing"
   
10. Drew Doughty will only sign a contract when he gets his face on an ice cream bar.
11. Actually attempted to sign an offer sheet from Glen Sather, only to find out that "gazillion trinagallion" doesn't actually exist.
12. Has decided that he really wants to play for the Thrashers, but hasn't heard anything regarding their offer sheet.

NHL Stars Tips To Beating The Heat

Yesterday, it was 103 degrees in my hometown. That's effin hot. Luckily I stayed cool because of a great AC and these tips for staying cool that were submitted to me by the amazing DGS Super Spies. Sadly, unlike the Miami Heat, this head wave doesn't disappear after 3. Luckily, here's how some NHL-ers are beating the heat.



Jonathan Toews: Walked outside wearing a winter coat, gloves, ski cap, and boots, stared at the air around him until it froze to an icy -62 Fahrenheit.

Ilya Bryzgalov: Gave the following quote, "Why you heff to be mad? Just use $51M to buy big air conditioner."

Dan Ellis: Commented that, "it takes more talent to survive in 100+ degree heat than it does to be a brain surgeon"

The Atlanta Thrashers: Packed up and moved to Winnipeg, and were never seen again.

Taylor Hall: Called Tyler Seguin and said, "that Cup doesn't keep you cool like Edmonton does."

Dany Heatley: Demanded a trade to Edmonton, Calgary or a demotion to ECHL Alaska.

Glen Sather: Signed the thermometer to a 12 year 78M contract because, "there's no way mercury gets cold in NYC winters."...he doesn't realize that a "No Movement Clause" doesn't mean the mercury will stay hot...L-O-L Rangers...L-O-L

Matt Cooke: Elbowed himself in the head, so he could sleep through the heat.

Paul Holmgren: Didn't get out of the heat because he didn't realize that 103 is higher than 75. He started suffering from heatstroke, the first symptom, he said, "Today, I will use math while making decisions."

Rick DiPietro: Ended up on LTIR after a bead of sweat fell off his head and onto his leg causing his ACL to tear.

Sean Couturier: Thanked his lucky stars that the 50-contract limit keeps him in the QMJHL.

DGS Guide to NHL Free Agency

Another beginning to Free Agency is upon us, with that, there's a lot of information out there but luckily, and it seems that somethings happen out of nowhere. But in fact, that's not true, there's actually a strict code that GMs mostly adhere to. Here it is.

The 10 Commandments of NHL Free Agency:

1. I am the GM of the Rangers, no one will overpay like me.

2. Thou shalt not circumvent the Salary Cap in vain

3. Remember to keep holy July 1.

4. Honor thy Owner and thy Sponsors (like Paul Holmgren)

5. Thou shalt not trade recently signed long term contracts. (Sorry Homer)

6. Thou shalt not commit tampering. (But seriously, how else are complex long term deals announced exactly at 12 noon?)

7. Thou shalt try to steal bargain players at bigger bargains.

8. Thou shalt not bear false offer sheets to RFA's for the intent of screwing over another team's cap situation.

9. Thou shalt not covet thy rival's goalie

10. Thou shalt not covet thy rival's cap-space

Hartnell Down or Versteeg Down- The Final Numbers

Hartnell Down ended at 330, over 90 games, meaning he fell 3.3 times a game, or 1.1 times a period.




Other things involving 3.3 in the NHL:

-The average amount of goals per period allowed through the 5-hole of Michael Leighton

-Number (in millions of US Dollars) Glen Sather will overpay for a player.

-Amount of times Pierre McGuire says "leadership" per sentence when talking about MIKE "OMG LEADERSHIP!!1111!1!11!" Richards

-Amount of times, per shift, Jeff Carter shoots high and wide

-Amount of dives Robert Luongo takes per period

-Amount of headshots Matt Cooke gave me while I wrote this post

-Amount of goalie changes Peter Laviolette makes per post season game.

-Amount of healthy players the Flyers had left for game 4 against Boston.

-Amount of time, in seconds, Nikolay Zherdev gave a crap about defense during the entire regular season

-Amount of time, in seconds, Nikolay Zherdev was lazy during the post-season






Versteeg Down (18 for round 2; 26 for round 1 for a playoff total of 44)

44 by numbers:

-The number worn by Kimmo Timonen; the Finnish God of Defense

-The amount of time, in minutes, that Chris Pronger was fully healthy during playoffs

-The amount of shots, needed to score 45 goals, on the Flyers goaltending this year

-Amount of time, in years, before Paul Holmgren decides that goaltending is important

-Amount of headshots occurring per period in every NHL playoff game...if you trust people's reactions via Twitter

-Amount of time, in hours, Sean Avery can go without saying something stupid

-Amount of time, in seconds, it will take Glen Sather to overpay for a free agent on July 1

-Amount of new rumors, per day, linking big name UFA's Brad Richards and Christian Ehrhoff to the Toronto Maple Leafs

-Amount of rumors, per hour, claiming Tampa Bay is going to trade their captain, Vincent Lecavalier.

-Measure, in inches, of Tim Thomas's waist

-Amount of PIMs Chris Pronger had in 2010-11.

-Amount of elbows to head Chris Pronger throws per game

Sunday Brunch: A Discussion of Hilariously Hypothetical Things Related to the NHL, part 3

Good morning DGS-ers!

I hope this Sunday is treating you well, I'm honestly probably still in bed, and due to the great Auto-post feature, don't actually have to get up to post this. But that is neither here nor there. Today, we have yet another DGS-discussion and we hope that you the fans can get behind.


Today, we're taking a look into a possible future, one where the NHL is actually run by competent people, and the idiots have been fired.


Anyway, we're sitting somewhere, probably New Orleans, and Gary Bettman, Glen Sather, Paul Holmgren, John Ferguson Jr, Brian Lawton and Darryl Sutter have just decided to start a business together.

We here at DGS want to know, what do you think happens!

Stolen Posts: How the world beat DGS to ideas recently

Just a couple days ago, the blogging idol of DGS, Mr. Down Goes Brown, posted a comparison between NHL and NBA Free Agency and DGS was sad, because we had the same idea for a post in mind. DGB suggested that we pre-date the post and then accuse him of plagiarism but we decided against it. Instead, we decided to share our thoughts on the idea of tampering in NHL.

Thanks to @NonAmericanHero on Twitter for telling us that the CBA has no rules of tampering, so because of that DGS sent the DGS SuperSpies into the world to find out, what is tampering in the NHL. The results, they were odd, but enlightening to say the least.

Some NHL Examples of Tampering.

• Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs takes a trip to Sweden for a "vacation" only to end up accidentally recruiting the Sedins.
• Marian Hossa tampers with the Red Wings chances of repeating as Stanley Cup champions by signing with them after the 2008 season
• Flyers GMs since 1997 have tampered with the teams chances of winning a Stanley Cup by never signing a competent goaltender, (Remind me again why were paying Big Mesz $4 million and Nabby walked to the KHL?)
• Alexei Yashin tampered with the Islanders books by penciling his name on them until 2020
• Someone tampered with Rick DiPietro's health sending him for MRI's every year, (this just in...Rick has a minimum 5 MRIs per week clause in his contract)
• Chicago Blackhawks ownership tampered with the whole NHL by secretly moving the team to Atlanta after winning the 2010 Stanley Cup
• Kyle Wellwood tampered with the last scale he was on, making it say 181lbs as his weight.
• An unknown person or persons tampered with Ilya Kovalchuk's calendar causing him to not realize that in fact, he legally can sign an NHL contract.
• Rick Tocchet tampered with the Lightning's chances to win by hating on a guy named Vinny. (Thanks DTV)
• Someone tampers with Joe Thornton's mind every time the playoffs role around
• Keith Ballard likes to tamper with the skull of his team's goaltender
• Pierre McGuire will tamper with your belt and pants every time he interviews you.
• Every NHL player attempts to tamper with the Edmonton Oilers by demanding a trade out of Edmonton.
• Rangers GM Glen Sather tampered with Habs by convincing them to take on the Scott Gomez contract.
• Chris Pronger uses his elbows to tamper with opponent's skulls.
  

[Note: Eklund claims these ideas are all 100% DGS Originals (e4)]