The Jaromir Jagr-Chris Pronger Transcript

Many people were shocked by the Flyers signing Jaromir Jagr last week. In fact, we all thought he would sign with the Penguins, Habs, or Red Wings, but then were surprised when in fact, Paul Holmgren inked Jagr. Later on in the day, it was revealed that Chris Pronger made a phone call to Mr. Jagr. Luckily the DGS Super Spies were able to snag a transcript of that call. Here it is, for you.

He's watching you, ready to trade you
as soon as you sign a long
term contract with a future NMC

Jagr- Dobré odpoledne. Já jsem Jaromír Jagr.

Pronger- Jaromir? This is Chris Pronger. We need to chat.

Jagr- Oh, Mr. Pronger, Lord of the Elbows.

Pronger- That's me!

Jagr- Why you call here?

Pronger- We need to talk.

Jagr- About?

Pronger- Who do you plan on signing with?

Jagr- The Penguins of course.

Pronger- Now why would you do that?

Pronger- We need to talk.

Jagr- Why?

Pronger- Because I don't like the Penguins

Jagr- But you're not playing for the Penguins, I am. What's the big deal?

Pronger- I don't like the Penguins.

Jagr- I don't see how this affects me, however.

Pronger- Do you remember my elbows? 

Jagr- Yes.

Pronger- What do my elbows do?

Jagr- Give people concussions. Break jaws. Injure people.

Pronger- Do you see where this is going? The cold Siberian winters haven't frozen your brain now have they.

Jagr- If I sign with Pittsburgh, you're going to elbow me, aren't you?

Pronger- 6 games, 3 periods, we each should have 10-12 shifts a game against each other. So, assume 20-24 elbows per game. 

Jagr- I shall sign with Philly, but there's no cap space. 

Pronger- Like cap space is a problem. Holmgren can't do math. Fleece him like I did. I have a 35+ contract worth nearly 5M per season. It runs until I'm 43.

Jagr- I shall call Holmgren now. Thank you, Mr. Pronger.

25% Through the Season with 25 Reasons Why Your Team Won't Make The Playoffs

So the idea of this post is really simple. I have 25 statements prepared and if they fit your team, then there's a good chance your team is going to miss the playoffs this season.

(Accuracy of statements is only 25% or roughly, the save percentage of all goalies in the Nov 18 game between the Flyers and the Lightning)

1. Your teams biggest news splash was the fall out of revoking press creds
   
   
2. Your team's opening night goalie just hurt his arm lifting pie to his mouth
   
   
3. This team's home games are played in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
   
   
4. Garth Snow is your team's GM.
   
   
5. You paid $100M for a guy who can't take a penalty shot
   
   
6. Your goalie's already a drunk, and the rest of the team is on the way to following him.
   
   
7. Your team traded Gregory Campbell to another team.
   
   
8. Your team has a Sutter involved in the organization.
   
   
9. Your team just signed a player to a contract extension with the logic of "Numbers Don't Matter"
   
   
10. The other fans of your team will prevent your team from making the playoffs just to avoid paying the other half of their season ticket deposits.
    
    
11. You lack a first round pick in next year's draft.
    
    
12. Your goalie puts pucks into his own net.
    
    
13. Your 2nd year goalie said he wants to be just like Steve Mason.
    
    
14. Someone told your star center that the playoffs start in February rather than April causing him to do his choke in a big game routine 2 months early.
    
    
15. Down Goes Spezza picked your team to win the Atlantic Division. (We picked the NJ Devils)
    
    
16. Your season highlight involved a player on your team getting knocked out by a Simpsons character...err..Swedish meatball.
    
    
17. There's a distinct chance that a player on your team was telling Sean Avery "we suck like this" and not "you suck like this".
    
    
18. Your teams best power play point shot is in the AHL right now.
    
    
19. Your GM has obvious brain damage from hitting himself in the head with a jar of jelly.
    
    
20. Your GM decided that he wanted to make Wade Redden's contract look like a decent one.
    
    
21. Your GM offered a first round pick to the Rangers for Derek Boogaard in order to increase offensive production
    
    
22. Your GM announced that he's building a contender with the "Penguins Method" starting this year.
    
    
23. Your team is trying to lose more games in a row than the Detroit Lions.
    
    
24. Hell, that same team wants to do the opposite of the Flyers's record setting 25-0-10 run.
    
    
25. Your team's marketing strategy is all about getting fans of VISITING teams to visit.
    
    
    

Soon, the 25 reasons you're team will make the playoffs.

NHL 2010-2011 Season Preview: Atlantic Division

I saved the best for last, the Atlantic Division. How are things gonna shape up here, DGS has the answers.

Pittsburgh Penguins

The Good: Max Talbot will be able to pick out every douche in the NHL and deliver a list of them to us.

The Bad: After Crosby and Malkin, the Penguins severely lack forward talent capable of scoring 120 points a season.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will be coddled by Gary Bettman's permanent man crush on Cindy Crosby

New York Islanders

The Good: Will have a guaranteed top 5 pick in the NHL draft due to playing 24 games against the Flyers, Penguins, Rangers and Devils all of which the Islanders will lose.

The Bad: Will run out of get well cards for Rick DiPietro by November.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the Democrats are able to push universal health care in the United States through in order to save on medical bills for DiPietro

New York Rangers

The Good: Will in fact win all 6 games against the Islanders due to the fact that they have Martin Biron.

The Bad: Will at some point sign Kyle Wellwood to a Redden-like contract.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope to every divine being known the man that Gaborik can avoid Dan Carcillo.

New Jersey Devils

The Good:

Signed shot blocking specialist Anton Volchenkov to throw his body in the way of any jars of jelly that Lou decides to throw.

The Bad: Have fallen victim to the fact that apparently the CBA matters.

Secret Strategy for the New Season:

Will fatten Brodeur up to the point where he covers the entire net even if pad free.

Philadelphia Flyers

The Good: Filled the "Craptastic Defensemen" void left by the departure of Ryan Parent with Andrej "Big Mesz" Meszaros.

The Bad: Now have to face the defending Stanley Cup champions in 4 rematches as the Hawks now play in the Eastern Conference

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have infinite hope in the idea that opposing shooters will never hit the net as they die laughing from realizing what the Flyers goaltending quality is.

The Winds of Change are Blowing: NHL Relocations for 2010-11

Like many offseasons, this summer has seen a lot of movement in the NHL, and I don't just mean trades and free agency, which have been oddly quiet. Some of it may be confusing for a casual fan who didn't follow the news as it happened. Luckily we here at DGS have compiled the following guide to help you understand what's been moved around.

• The Chicago Blackhawks moved the team to Atlanta in the weeks following their Stanley Cup win, this was done in order to hide the Stanley Cup from the Daley Political Machine who would probably try to steal it. In the words of Rod Blagojevich "I got this cup, and it's fucking silver."
• The Philadelphia Flyers and Montreal Canadiens recently started a joint business venture to do the unthinkable: bring the NHL to Tampa, Florida. This new project, tentatively called "the Tampa Bay Lightning" is made up of Habs and Flyers castoffs like Dominic Moore and Simon Gagne, they'll be coached by the Habs AHL Hamilton Bulldogs coaching staff and are slated to play in the Southeast Division of the Eastern Conference, Habs owner Mike Leighton has yet to comment on the deal. I wish them the best of luck.
• A certain GM named Sutter opened up a "Blast from the Past" Museum in Calgary by picking up former Flames like Olli Jokinen. In order to avoid being a one trick pony, Sutter also showcases a list of "Former Maple Leafs" exhibit.
  
• Vesa Toskala has been forced to relocate to Finland, but only because the Finns apparently can't kick Finnish citizens out of Finland. However, with the way things are going in Philadelphia, it's safe to assume he's gonna be their starting goalie by December. (GOD HELP US ALL!)
  
• In a case of things NOT being moved, the Edmonton Oilers still in fact, play in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
• Sami Salo recently attempted to move a muscle landing him in the ER again, however, this actually led to him being placed in a padded room to prevent him from hurting himself while performing basic day-to-day tasks. He promptly broke his jaw while attempting to chew his liquid breakfast shake.
• In order to maximize the summer vacations he has every year, Brian Burke will continue to look to relocate all his draft picks so as to avoid having to take time off from his vacations in order to draft players.
• Denis Grebeshkov relocated himself to the KHL allowing him to play in his native Russia. Honestly, after spending 2.5 years in Edmonton and then trying to play hockey in Nashville, I'd probably try to do the same thing.
• Paul Holmgren gave Andrej Meszaros another shot at playing in the NHL after he disappeared for the last 2 years. This is because Holmgren saw what bringing in a bad contract did with the Habs after they took on Scott Gomez's salary, and how the Hawks won a cup with Brian Campbell and CristoLOL Huet on their team. He still has the last laugh as we all know the Rangers are still stuck with Wade Redden.
• Mike Modano is attempting to relocate himself somewhere, anywhere, he's sure he wants to go, but sadly no one's letting him in when he knocks.
• Tomas Kaberle has yet to be relocated, but only because of the hypocrisy of Brian Burke, he demands a top-6 forward for him, which means he should have dealt Kaberle to the Flyers for Andrej Meszaros by now, as after checking the Leafs depth chart, I'm pretty sure Mesz could fit in there.
• Johan Hedberg relocated himself to the easiest NHL job on the planet, backing up Martin Brodeur of the NJ Devils, this job entails only one responsibility, making sure that Lou can't get his hands on any jars of jelly.
• The Phoenix Coyotes are actively attempting to move the entire team and every trace of it to Winnipeg. As if hockey ever existed there...
• Mike Green was allegedly relocated to the Capitals defense corps, however, after scouring hours of video, there is no known evidence of Mike Green actually playing defense.
• Max Talbot relocated himself to be the temporary hot topic of the NHL by calling Alex Ovechkin a "douche". While it is refreshing to see Sidney Crosby on the back burner for 20 seconds, it's hard to understand what the big deal over Talbot stating a well known fact is. Also, inb4 Andy Sutton asks "are you an expert?" Max Talbot better know a douche when he sees one, he plays on a team with Matt Cooke and Sidney Crosby in a league where Gary Bettman is the commissioner.
  
• Speaking of people calling people names and getting in the news for it, where the hell did Sean Avery run off to? I haven't heard of him saying anything in over 2 months.
• Antti Niemi will soon relocate to the KHL after no NHL team pays the 6,250,000 the arbitrator gives him because of Niemi's argument that he DID play better than CristoLOL Huet.
• Speaking of KHL relocations, Evgeni Nabokov relocated to the KHL because after years of watching Joe Thornton choke at the thought of running into a Chris Pronger elbow during the postseason, Nabby couldn't bear to play a whole season with Chris Pronger's elbows that close to his skull. Honestly, did Holmgren forget to tell him that Keith Ballard is NOT a Flyer?
• In another story involving non-relocation, the NHL will still be on Versus next year, meaning you probably will never have to worry about seeing its existence.
  

An Open Letter, to Dan Hamhuis

So apparently Dan Hamhuis would not sign with the Flyers, he wanted to be a #2 D-man, something he would not be able to do in Philly with the likes of Pronger, Carle, Timonen ahead of him. In the interest of intellectual discourse, and following in the spirit of Down Goes Brown and Don't Trade Vinny, we here at DGS present an open letter to Dan Hamhuis.




Hey, egocentric dirtbag!

Listen up! What the hell is wrong with you? We offered you the money you wanted and a chance to win, but no, you have to be the center of freaking attention. In case you didn't notice, you were traded for Ryan Parent. Let's realize this, Ryan Parent has a shot so weak, he couldn't beat Toskala's glove. So now you just got traded to the Penguins, who basically are using you to drive down the price to keep Sergei Gonchar. They don't want you, we did. Had you signed the deal Holmgren wanted to give you, we would have put a Stanley Cup winning team together, dominated the east, and won a cup. But no, for you, it's not about winning, it's not even about money, it's about being the center of attention. Get your head in the game, until then, you don't deserve to win, you don't deserve anything.

By the way, all may be forgiven. If you don't sign in Pittsburgh and come running back to Homer on July 1 begging for his offer, then guess what, you will become a hero to this city, because, not only did you join us, but you stole something from the Penguins. And Chris Pronger will be proud, he stole pucks, you stole picks. Just, don't get yourself suspended for any kind of tampering or anything along the way.

Sincerely,

Flyers Fans

Round 2 Habs at Pens Game 7 Preview

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages, the Blogosphere proudly brings to you, it's Best Game 7 Prediction Formula in the WORLD! The Insane One, his lovely girlfriend, they are DOWN GOES SPEZZA! And if you are not, down with that...

ahem,

Anyway, we have another Game 7 coming up tomorrow, and we here at Down Goes Spezza have predictions and analysis as only we can deliver.

Montreal at Pittsburgh


Same formula as before, Pros and Cons for each team followed by a prediction.


Habs:

Pro: Gave one of the 2 Hot 2 Handle AO sticks to Michael Cammalleri which allowed him to light up the Penguins this post-season.
Con: Stick may have been used to start bonfires in post game 6 riots.

Pro: Maxim Lapierre puts a new meaning in the term hometown hero.
Con: Maxim Lapierre may have dove too far down to help again.

Pro: Jaroslav Halak is a solid goalie bringing his total underdog team ever closer to the promised land.
Con: Look how it turned out for him in the Olympics.




Penguins:

Con: Have a roster stacked with top 5 draft picks stockpiled from a tank job in the early 2000s
Con: May need to restock roster with more top 5 draft picks from a tank job to begin the new decade.

Pro: Sidney Crosby recently found his lost scoring touch which helped keep the Pens competitive in Game 6
Con: Sidney Crosby has a habit of punching guys down under which could lead to Hal Gill removing Crosby from the game.

Pro: Are the top seeded team remaining in the east.
Con: We saw how top seeded Washington fared in the first round.


-Analysis-

I think it's safe to say that Halak has one more miracle in him before choking out in the next series. I'll even put a score down for this one: Habs 3 Pens 2 in OT.

Quick Predictions on the non-Flyers 2nd round Playoff Series

After going 50/50 in the Game 7s, we here at Down Goes Spezza have decided to take a look at the other playoff series. So, here we go.

Western Conference:

#1 San Jose vs. #5 Detroit

Quick Pick: San Jose drops the series in 6 games after a reporter accidentally walks up to Joe Thornton and asks him “how do you feel about these playoffs?”

#2 Chicago vs. #3 Vancouver

Quick Pick: Vancouver pulls this one out in 7 after Niemi accidentally swallows another puck only to drop it into his own net.

Eastern Conference

#4 Pittsburgh vs. #8 Montreal

Quick Pick: Jaroslav Halak continues to be red hot and the Habs D continues to shut down. Stephane Auger decides that it’s time to “get” Crosby the Crybaby and therefore it’s Habs in 7. By get, we mean actually call Crosby for Diving

#7 Flyers vs. #6 Boston

Tomorrow’s post will give a detailed analysis of this series.