Hartnell Down and Versteeg Down: Round 1 Update

To end Round 1, Hartnell Down had a count of 48 and Versteeg Down had a count of 26.

Hartnell Down 48 by the numbers

• Shares a jersey number with linemate Danny Briere
• Height, in inches, of Nathan Gerbe
• Waist measurement of Kyle Wellwood
• Amount of years the NHL would have to control the Phoenix Coyotes before Bettman would ever consider moving them back to Winnipeg
• Times, per minute, Pierre McGuire says something about his love of Mike Richards during a TSN/NBC broadcast of a Flyers game.
• Elbows, per period, thrown by Pronger on unsuspecting opposing forwards
• Cigarettes smoked by Carey Price during an average intermission
• Shots high and wide by Jeff Carter during an average shift
• The age Teemu Selanne will be when his point total and age are the same
  

Versteeg Down 26 by numbers

• Shares a number with teammate Danny Syvret, Offensive Dynamo
• Heart attacks DGS has per game started by Sergei Bobrovsky where Bob tries to handle the puck
• Times Andrej Meszaros blasts that big slapshot wide per game on the PP
• Dirty hits, per period, of this postseason so far
• Times, per minute, Jack Edwards has accused the Habs of diving during Game 7 of Habs/Bruins
• Times, per period, someone accuses the Flyers of needing better goaltending
• Times, per game, I see the Ovechtrick commercial on Versus
• The amount of cents Patrick Kane probably needs to pay his cabbie
• The amount of shots Partick Kane drinks during an average game
• Saves Brian Boucher made during game 7 to send the Flyers to round 2...Ryan Miller then accused Brian Boucher of committing genocide
• Difference in height, measured in centimeters, between Kris Versteeg and Tyler Myers
• Times Jonathan Toews has blinked...in his lifetime

There, now you know.

Team Phobias in the Playoffs

We all know that hockey players are a superstitious bunch. They love their rituals like playoff beards, not saying that word that's apparently constantly said in Flyerdom etc... Anyway teams also have phobias for the playoffs as well. Being that DGS lives around hockey, and has the DGS-SuperSpies always watching, I've obtained a list of phobias that some players or teams have going into this post season.


The Vancouver Canucks fear:
Chelsea Dagger, Patrick Kane, Chelsea Dagger, Patrick Sharp, Chelsea Dagger, Jonathan Toews (and the fact that he's freaking creepy as hell), Chelsea Dagger, The Chicago Blackhawks, Chelsea Dagger, games in the United Center, Chelsea Dagger.

The San Jose Sharks fear:
Joe Thornton seeing a calendar

The Philadelphia Flyers fear:
Michael Leighton's god damn 5 hole being involved in a game, going on the Powerplay, having a playoff caliber goaile, Mike Richards being nice to the media after a loss, Nikolay Zherdev playing 'defense'.

The Chicago Blackhawks fear:
Patrick Kane in a bar, Jonathan Toews being exposed as a Vulcan Android, John Scott seeing ice time.

The Pittsburgh Penguins fear:
Brent Johnson thinking that his teammates play for NYI when Pens wear the blue sweaters, Matt Cooke missing a blindside hit on an opponent and taking out a teammate, being exposed as an AHL team without Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin

The Montreal Canadiens fear:
Tall people, stanchions, Zdeno Chara, nothing at all because someone's burning that city down.

The Boston Bruins fear:
Zdeno Chara's impending arrest in Montreal, Short people, leads involving the number 3

The Washington Capitals fear:
The first round of the playoffs, someone taking ice cream away from Boudreau, not being able to grab their sack.

The Detroit Red Wings fear:
Youth, Missing Nap Time, cuts to Social Security payouts.

The Anaheim Ducks fear:
Teemu Selanne remembering his age, Corey Perry deciding that he's bored with being awesome, Ryan Getzlaf growing hair.

The Phoenix Coyotes fear:
Being noticed, Losing BizNasty's twitter account again because without it- no one knows they exist.

The LA Kings fear:
Puns involving Jonathan Quick, Jarrett Stoll being switched for Jared Staal

The Tampa Bay Lighting fear:
Karma for the Matt Walker deal, Rick Tocchet and Brian Lawton returning, Dwayne Roloson forgetting to drink from the Fountain Of Youth every day, Steve Downie remembering he's Steve Downie, Steven Stamkos deciding that Joe Thornton is his playoff idol.

The Nashville Predators fear:
Carrie Underwood pulling Mike Fisher-Underwood off the team to help with her music career, Barry Trotz growing a neck, Shea Weber hitting a teammate with a slapshot, Ryan Suter becoming Ron Sutter.

Things Steve Yzerman Also Wants This Offseason

Recently Steve Yzerman said that he would ask all Lightning players to wear visors starting next season. What most people don't know is that Yzerman also had another list of demands that he made of us players. Now, because Don't Trade Vinny has been out of it recently, I took it upon myself to send the DGS-SuperSpies to find out what else was on that list. Luckily, they obtained me a copy of the list which I will now share with each of you.

• That Marty St. Louis grow to an appropriate an NHL height of 4 feet tall.
  
• That the media ignore any all relevant Lightning stories and replace them with possible trade rumors involving Vincent Lecavalier to the Montreal Canadiens
  
• Acquiring Chris Pronger and Sergei Bobrovsky from the Flyers for Mike Smith
  
• That the Montreal Canadiens trade Carey Price to the Lightning for Dan Ellis's remaining problems in Tampa.
  
• That the media actually talk about how the Tampa Bay Lightning are an NHL team and not some figment of your imagination.
  
• Tampa becomes Detroit-south by changing their uniforms to red and white and putting a winged wheel on the center crest.
  
• Someone offers a 2nd round pick for Dominic Moore
  
• A defense
  
• A goalie who's younger than his head coach

DGS Podcast Episode 4: Jen!

This week Jen joins us. We talk NHL History, Habs, Nabokov and play hockey trivia.




Her Twitter: NHLHistoryGirl

As always with the podcast, feel free to email me with any feedback.


Enjoy!

Ellis, Smith, Boucher and Bob's excuses for not showing up to last night's game

So last night the Flyers played the Bolts in a nice football game and because the Bolts went for 2, they won 8-7. Luckily after the game, the DGS-SuperSpies were able to hear all the excuses given by all 4 goaltenders for why they weren't at last night's game. Some were rather eye opening to say the least.


Sergei Bobrovsky:

• Was unprepared for the game due to the fact that he's been listening to a certain song over and over again.
• After losing 3-0 to the Habs a couple nights earlier, Bobs was letting pucks in because he was told by Jeff Reese, "as a stud rookie goalie, you basically want to be the opposite of Carey Price"
• Due to errors in translation, when told to model his game after a well known goalie wearing #35, he decided to imitate Vesa Toskala rather than someone who could actually be an effective goalie.

Dan Ellis

• Make your own "Dan Ellis Problems" joke here.
• Thought that since he loses 18% of salary to ESCROW, he only needs to stop 18% of pucks.
• Because, well, since he only makes $1.5M by his own claims, he's not as good as goalies like Michael Leighton, Sergei Bobrovsky or any other goalie who makes more than he does.

Brian Boucher

• Thought he was stopping pucks because "boo!" sounds "BOOSH!"
• Since he hadn't played in forever, he just assumed that he was going in net for another practice and because of that failed the realize that this one counted.
• Because well, seriously people, when was Brian Boucher ever good.

Mike Smith

• Was too busy trying to figure out why he was getting the fail whale on Twitter.
• All the red lights he saw before entering the game caused him to go blind from the bench.
• Hey, he won the game, didn't he?

Tuesday Morning Coffee Break: September 7

Hey what do you know, Tuesday morning coffee break two weeks in a row. Sadly, I'm writing this at 2:30am and I'm falling asleep as I type, so it's just gonna be links and no clever commentary

• To make my life real easy, here's Stay Classy's link list for this week.
  
• Dan Ellis went crazy again earlier tonight, Don't Trade Vinny knows why Ellis is crazy.
  
• The Active Stick learned a lot of things this offseason, her list was hilarious. She's a Habs fan so I hope that Habs owner Michael Leighton approves of her becoming smarter.
  
• Want to see an exciting movie: Hockey Broad has a look at a new movie coming out. Hope it is good.

Now go forth and enjoy your break. Get back to work and be productive.

NHL 2010-2011 Season Previews: Northeast Division

With the season coming up soon enough. I think it's time to get a look at what team's have been working on during training camp. Lucky for you, the DGS-SuperSpies uncovered what's going on behind the scenes at all 30 NHL team's training camps. As a responsible human being, I have decided to post the shocking findings here for you to see. Today, we start with the Northeast division.

Montreal Canadiens

The Good: Will save money on pregame meals by being able to serve forwards from the kids menu.

The Bad: Decided to follow an idea presented by Down Goes Brown during the first around of the playoffs and are apparently going to start "Empty Net" as their goalie.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Players have worked on riot escape in practice as Montreal citizens tend to riot after every game regardless of result.

Toronto Maple Leafs

The Good: Can avoid worrying about such debates as "Who to draft in 2011?" because of their lack of draft picks.

The Bad: Have yet to find a way to remove Tomas Kaberle from the team.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will magically improve forward depth by re-signing Vesa Toskala and converting him to center.

Boston Bruins

The Good: Due the NHL's Salary Cap, the Bruins roster is set in stone with players such as Tim Thomas and Marc Savard still on the active roster and no way to move them.

The Bad: Will be forced to place Marc Savard on LTIR after he accidentally runs into Zdeno Chara's knee during practice causing Savard to suffer a concussion.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will avoid blowing 3-0 leads in the post-season by avoiding the post season altogether.

Ottawa Senators

The Good: Have 2 great backup goaltenders who are great for 10-15 games a season

The Bad: Have a player married to Carrie Underwood, picking up Tony Romo's sloppy seconds has been known to cause problems.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: When in doubt, the fire the coach.

Buffalo Sabres

The Good:Have a GM who's willing to save players like Tomas Vanek from signing with Edmonton.

The Bad: Will no longer be able to score easy goals due to the fact that Vesa Toskala is no longer a goalie in this division.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will continue to fly under the radar and ride Ryan Miller for as long

Breaking News: Warrant Issued for Arrest of Steve Yzerman

So, for those of you following our good friend Don't Trade Vinny, you know that Bolts GM Steve Yzerman was recently arrested for trying to steal PK Subban from the Habs. It turns out, that Stevie's bad luck continued as after leaving Montreal, he had to fly back to Tampa. During this time, a grand jury was convened in Philadelphia.

See it turns out that Stevie's legal issues are not over. Apparently many people associated with the NHL think that Stevie committed robbery of the Philadelphia Flyers. Turns out, a source let me in on the fact that Stevie IS under investigation. Needless to say, we started digging around as well.

Thanks to a joint investigation by the DGS-SuperSpies and our friends at Don't Trade Vinny, we managed to obtain a copy of the warrant for Stevie's arrest. For you're viewing pleasure, we have it here for you to see. By the way, if you're not reading Don't Trade Vinny, you're really missing out, so start reading his site today.



(use view image to maximize the ability to see it)

The Winds of Change are Blowing: NHL Relocations for 2010-11

Like many offseasons, this summer has seen a lot of movement in the NHL, and I don't just mean trades and free agency, which have been oddly quiet. Some of it may be confusing for a casual fan who didn't follow the news as it happened. Luckily we here at DGS have compiled the following guide to help you understand what's been moved around.

• The Chicago Blackhawks moved the team to Atlanta in the weeks following their Stanley Cup win, this was done in order to hide the Stanley Cup from the Daley Political Machine who would probably try to steal it. In the words of Rod Blagojevich "I got this cup, and it's fucking silver."
• The Philadelphia Flyers and Montreal Canadiens recently started a joint business venture to do the unthinkable: bring the NHL to Tampa, Florida. This new project, tentatively called "the Tampa Bay Lightning" is made up of Habs and Flyers castoffs like Dominic Moore and Simon Gagne, they'll be coached by the Habs AHL Hamilton Bulldogs coaching staff and are slated to play in the Southeast Division of the Eastern Conference, Habs owner Mike Leighton has yet to comment on the deal. I wish them the best of luck.
• A certain GM named Sutter opened up a "Blast from the Past" Museum in Calgary by picking up former Flames like Olli Jokinen. In order to avoid being a one trick pony, Sutter also showcases a list of "Former Maple Leafs" exhibit.
  
• Vesa Toskala has been forced to relocate to Finland, but only because the Finns apparently can't kick Finnish citizens out of Finland. However, with the way things are going in Philadelphia, it's safe to assume he's gonna be their starting goalie by December. (GOD HELP US ALL!)
  
• In a case of things NOT being moved, the Edmonton Oilers still in fact, play in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
• Sami Salo recently attempted to move a muscle landing him in the ER again, however, this actually led to him being placed in a padded room to prevent him from hurting himself while performing basic day-to-day tasks. He promptly broke his jaw while attempting to chew his liquid breakfast shake.
• In order to maximize the summer vacations he has every year, Brian Burke will continue to look to relocate all his draft picks so as to avoid having to take time off from his vacations in order to draft players.
• Denis Grebeshkov relocated himself to the KHL allowing him to play in his native Russia. Honestly, after spending 2.5 years in Edmonton and then trying to play hockey in Nashville, I'd probably try to do the same thing.
• Paul Holmgren gave Andrej Meszaros another shot at playing in the NHL after he disappeared for the last 2 years. This is because Holmgren saw what bringing in a bad contract did with the Habs after they took on Scott Gomez's salary, and how the Hawks won a cup with Brian Campbell and CristoLOL Huet on their team. He still has the last laugh as we all know the Rangers are still stuck with Wade Redden.
• Mike Modano is attempting to relocate himself somewhere, anywhere, he's sure he wants to go, but sadly no one's letting him in when he knocks.
• Tomas Kaberle has yet to be relocated, but only because of the hypocrisy of Brian Burke, he demands a top-6 forward for him, which means he should have dealt Kaberle to the Flyers for Andrej Meszaros by now, as after checking the Leafs depth chart, I'm pretty sure Mesz could fit in there.
• Johan Hedberg relocated himself to the easiest NHL job on the planet, backing up Martin Brodeur of the NJ Devils, this job entails only one responsibility, making sure that Lou can't get his hands on any jars of jelly.
• The Phoenix Coyotes are actively attempting to move the entire team and every trace of it to Winnipeg. As if hockey ever existed there...
• Mike Green was allegedly relocated to the Capitals defense corps, however, after scouring hours of video, there is no known evidence of Mike Green actually playing defense.
• Max Talbot relocated himself to be the temporary hot topic of the NHL by calling Alex Ovechkin a "douche". While it is refreshing to see Sidney Crosby on the back burner for 20 seconds, it's hard to understand what the big deal over Talbot stating a well known fact is. Also, inb4 Andy Sutton asks "are you an expert?" Max Talbot better know a douche when he sees one, he plays on a team with Matt Cooke and Sidney Crosby in a league where Gary Bettman is the commissioner.
  
• Speaking of people calling people names and getting in the news for it, where the hell did Sean Avery run off to? I haven't heard of him saying anything in over 2 months.
• Antti Niemi will soon relocate to the KHL after no NHL team pays the 6,250,000 the arbitrator gives him because of Niemi's argument that he DID play better than CristoLOL Huet.
• Speaking of KHL relocations, Evgeni Nabokov relocated to the KHL because after years of watching Joe Thornton choke at the thought of running into a Chris Pronger elbow during the postseason, Nabby couldn't bear to play a whole season with Chris Pronger's elbows that close to his skull. Honestly, did Holmgren forget to tell him that Keith Ballard is NOT a Flyer?
• In another story involving non-relocation, the NHL will still be on Versus next year, meaning you probably will never have to worry about seeing its existence.
  

Stolen Posts: How the world beat DGS to ideas recently

Just a couple days ago, the blogging idol of DGS, Mr. Down Goes Brown, posted a comparison between NHL and NBA Free Agency and DGS was sad, because we had the same idea for a post in mind. DGB suggested that we pre-date the post and then accuse him of plagiarism but we decided against it. Instead, we decided to share our thoughts on the idea of tampering in NHL.

Thanks to @NonAmericanHero on Twitter for telling us that the CBA has no rules of tampering, so because of that DGS sent the DGS SuperSpies into the world to find out, what is tampering in the NHL. The results, they were odd, but enlightening to say the least.

Some NHL Examples of Tampering.

• Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs takes a trip to Sweden for a "vacation" only to end up accidentally recruiting the Sedins.
• Marian Hossa tampers with the Red Wings chances of repeating as Stanley Cup champions by signing with them after the 2008 season
• Flyers GMs since 1997 have tampered with the teams chances of winning a Stanley Cup by never signing a competent goaltender, (Remind me again why were paying Big Mesz $4 million and Nabby walked to the KHL?)
• Alexei Yashin tampered with the Islanders books by penciling his name on them until 2020
• Someone tampered with Rick DiPietro's health sending him for MRI's every year, (this just in...Rick has a minimum 5 MRIs per week clause in his contract)
• Chicago Blackhawks ownership tampered with the whole NHL by secretly moving the team to Atlanta after winning the 2010 Stanley Cup
• Kyle Wellwood tampered with the last scale he was on, making it say 181lbs as his weight.
• An unknown person or persons tampered with Ilya Kovalchuk's calendar causing him to not realize that in fact, he legally can sign an NHL contract.
• Rick Tocchet tampered with the Lightning's chances to win by hating on a guy named Vinny. (Thanks DTV)
• Someone tampers with Joe Thornton's mind every time the playoffs role around
• Keith Ballard likes to tamper with the skull of his team's goaltender
• Pierre McGuire will tamper with your belt and pants every time he interviews you.
• Every NHL player attempts to tamper with the Edmonton Oilers by demanding a trade out of Edmonton.
• Rangers GM Glen Sather tampered with Habs by convincing them to take on the Scott Gomez contract.
• Chris Pronger uses his elbows to tamper with opponent's skulls.
  

[Note: Eklund claims these ideas are all 100% DGS Originals (e4)]

The Curious Case of Ilya Kovalchuk

Editor's Note: This post is written by Amy, NOT DGS.




Ilya Kovalchuk, where will he end up. Well, the DGS SuperSpies have tried to find out, and they have some interesting ideas, as well as what this means for Flyers fans. So with the help of me, the Amazing Amy, DGS made a list of 10 possible destinations and what Flyers fans should think of them.



Team: NJ Devils
Odds: 4:1
Reasons to Go: Will be backed by a Hall of Fame caliber goalie and a great Defensive system
Reasons to Not Go: The Devils aren't exactly known for opening the bank for offensive talents
Meaning to Flyers: If he's in NJ, we're fucked.


Team: Toronto Maple Leafs
Odds: 10:1
Reasons to Go: Kovy and Kessel on the top 2 lines, it's bound to work, right?
Reasons to Not Go: Does Toronto have a D that can allow Kovy a chance to win
Meaning to Flyers: Only facing Kovy 4 times a year instead of 6 is a bonus, but I'd fear Kovy in the playoffs


Team: Boston Bruins
Odds: 500:1
Reasons to Go: Kovy/Hall/Savard top line, that's amazing
Reasons to Not Go: Will be traded to Toronto for a decade's worth of first rounders and Luke Schenn
Meaning to Flyers: Kovy in Boston=Bruins as favourites for the Cup in 2011


Team: Washington Capitals
Odds: 25:1
Reasons to Go: An all Russian top line of Ovy-Semin-Kovy sounds nice
Reasons to Not Go: Mike Green would then be the Caps top D-man causing every game to be decided by a score of 9-8
Meaning to Flyers: Really isn't one until the playoffs roll around...


Team: Edmonton Oilers
Odds: 100,000:1
Reasons to Go: I heard Edmonton feels like Russia in winter.
Reasons to Not Go: I heard Edmonton feels like Russia in winter
Meaning to Flyers: It's second best option.


Team: San Jose Sharks
Odds: 85:1
Reasons to Go: "Thornton to Kovalchuk...SHARKS SCORE" would guarantee another San Jose President's Trophy
Reasons to Not Go: Cap issues, lack of playoff success, risk of having to get a ride with Dany Heatley all come to mind
Meaning to Flyers: Again, it's nice to have Kovy out of the east...but I sure wouldn't mind having Kovy on another continent.


Team: Montreal Canadiens
Odds: 100:1
Reasons to Go: A skilled sniper would give the Habs a legit scoring threat
Reasons to Not Go: Other Habs players may be afraid of a giant 6'2" 230lb Russian
Meaning to Flyers: When Habs fans riot after wins against Toronto, the Flyers may have to give up their reputation as the "most brutish fans in hockey, or sport for that matter"


Team: Chicago Black Hawks
Odds: 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000:1
Reasons to Go: After the Hawks implode this team in order to gain cap space, they could restock with Kovy-Toews-Kane as their top line
Reasons to Not Go: Kovy would then need to work for free.
Meaning to Flyers: Hey, at least it keeps him OUT of the Eastern Conference...


Team: Philadelphia Flyers
Odds: 150,000:1
Reasons to Go: Great chance to win a cup
Reasons to Not Go: Flyers already have 8 top-6 caliber forwards
Meaning to Flyers: He becomes our weapon on offense, at the expense of having a goalie next year, seriously, Kovy=Boucher/Backlund in net


Team: Anyone in the KHL
Odds: 3:1
Reasons to Go: $14 million and a chance to be close to home why NOT take it.
Reasons to Not Go: I heard it's cold in Russia...
Meaning to Flyers: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!


Hope you guys like it.


-Amy

Other things Chris Pronger has Stolen

At the end of Games 1, 2 and 4, Chris Pronger walked off with the game pucks from the ice. He supposedly tossed 2 of them in the garbage. What many people don't realize is that Chris Pronger actually has had a habit of stealing things for a long time. In fact, we here at Down Goes Spezza scored the list of items Chris Pronger has stolen, credit the primary assist to Don't Trade Vinny for this one.

• Dustin Byfuglien: Pronger stole him from the Blackhawks bench before Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals and sent him one way to an undisclosed location. The Hawks deny anything is missing, but an analysis of the player who wears Hawks #33 in the series shows that Byfuglien is nowhere to be found.
• Marian Hossa's luck: Pronger stole this from Hossa in the summer of 2007 while on vacation with the cup, when asked why he did this, Pronger replied, "I didn't know there's a rule against that. Show me that in the rulebook."
• Kyle Wellwood's Diet Planner: Pronger was bored one day during a trip to Toronto and noticed that Wellwood had left his diet planner out, Pronger decided as a prank to swipe it, and replace it with another Diet Planner that contained meal ideas such as, "Twinkies with melted butter sauce" and "Fried Chicken and Bacon"
• Alexandre Daigle's Spotlight: During the 1993 NHL Entry Draft, Daigle was taken first, and Pronger second, Pronger was so angry that he stole the spotlight from Daigle by actually being a good NHL player.
• Joe Thornton's ability to swallow: When playing in the Western Conference, Pronger stared angrily at Jumbo Joe for minutes on end, since then Thornton has routinely choked every postseason because he remembers Pronger's words.
• Jonas Gustavsson's Heart: During a preseason game against the Maple Leafs, Pronger reached into the chest of Gustavsson and removed his heart in order to replace the one that Pronger lost when he was hit in the chest by a Boris Mironov slapshot, because of this, Gustavsson's heart has routinely exploded during the season. Lee Stempniak was supposedly the only person to see how Pronger did it, however, no witnesses can actually place Stempniak anywhere the Maple Leafs during the time of the crime. Oddly Stempniak turned up in Arizona in March 2010, but has been afraid to say what he saw.
  
• Tomas Kopecky's Helmet Padding: See Don't Trade Vinny's caption to my previous post.
• Ville Leino: Apparently Pronger was the secret behind Paul Holmgren's absolute steal of Leino from the Detroit Red Wings, Pronger called up Ken Holland and threatened to elbow every Red Wings player in the face and cross check Jimmy Howard into another dimension during the Wings April visit to Philly if Holland didn't agree to send Leino to Philly for Ole-Kristian Tollefsen.
• Happiness in Boston: Pronger convinced the Flyers to spot the Bruins a 3-0 lead in the series just to screw with Boston, but then, in a realm of douchebaggery and thievery that set a new bar even for Pronger, he then convinced the Flyers to spot the Bruins a 3-0 first period lead in game 7 only to come back and destroy the Bruins dreams by winning 4-3.
• Dean McCammond's brain: In order to protect his own brain from Chris Chelios, Pronger removed McCammond's brain and sent it to Chelios to appease him.
• Joffrey Lupul's Security of a Steady Home: Pronger as a joke likes to keep Lupul on his toes by occasionally making Lupul move back west. Luckily for Lupul, the first move was the cruelest and Pronger sent him to Edmonton.
• The hair clippers of Scott Hartnell's barber: Seriously, how else would Hartnell look like that?
• Dan Carcillo's Dignity: Pronger told him that the 'Stache looks good.
• Profits from the Construction Industry in Montreal: Pronger slowed down the need for construction in Montreal, Quebec by ending the Habs playoff run in 2010.
• Armando Galaragga's Perfect Game: Pronger grew a beard, ran to Detroit to umpire a game between the Indians and the Tigers, then decided to steal perfection away from Galaragga by calling Jason Donald safe. Now we know why Pronger doesn't have a beard.
  

A Review of the Conference Finals

Western Conference Finals:

Sharks/Hawks

DGS Said: Hawks in 6

Last Inquiry on the Series: Have the Sharks choked enough yet?

The Verdict: Hawks swept, which I guess means that our idea of a Sharks epic choke was to be fulfilled.




Eastern Conference Finals:

Flyers/Habs

DGS Said: Flyers in 6

Last Inquiry on the Series: Have the riots on Montreal stopped yet?


The Verdict: Flyers in 5...hey what do you know I got them both right in terms of results, just off in the games.



Later this week, I'll have a post previewing the Stanley Cup Finals. Humor and such to follow.



GO FLYERS!

NHL Conference Finals Previews

Since Down Goes Spezza seems to have a mind crazy enough to work in these playoffs. We, the DGS brains, have decided that we are going to sort out this mess

Up first, we have the Western Conference Finals

#2 Chicago and #1 San Jose

San Jose Sharks

Pro: Have dynamic forwards such as Thornton, Heatley, Setoguchi and Marleau who can take over a game and own it.
Con: All of whom are due for their annual postseason choke job.

Pro: Have an experienced goalie in Evgeni Nabokov who played for Team Russia in the Olympics.
Con: And when the going got tough, he choked like the rest of the Sharks

Pro: This year's NHL playoff theme is "History will be made" which is possibly a sign that the Sharks will not choke for a change.
Con: This year's NHL playoff theme is "History will be made" which is possibly a sign that the Sharks will choke in a way so epic that the Bruins won't be remembered as the biggest chokers in 2010.




Chicago Black Hawks

Pro: Have a really versatile player in Dustin Byfuglien who can turn around a game as a shut down defense-man or power forward
Con: May be unable to actually get to the games because of his role in the pizza crawl.

Pro: Have a great set of defense-man such as Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook and Brian Campbell.
Con: It's also possible that Brian Campbell's lack of a collarbone could be a problem.

Pro: Goalie Antti Niemmi has a habit of swallowing pucks and keeping them out of the net.
Con: Of course, sometimes he also loses them altogether.


-Analysis-

Real simple, Sharks choke, and Hawks in 6

#7 Flyers and #8 Canadiens

Flyers

Pro: Totally own the size advantage over them midget Habs forwards
Con: Totally might have issues getting a puck past Halak.

Pro: Will get a momentum lift by getting Jeff Carter back from injury.
Con: Per league rules, will have a goaltender go down to injury as well.

Pro: Mike Leighton is amazing
Con: Mike Leighton has never been this far in the postseason before.




Habs

Pro: Have a set of skilled forwards who can turn a game around.
Con: They're still tiny!

Pro: Halak is an amazing goalie on a Cinderella run.
Con: Look how it turned out for him in the Olympics

Pro: Have shut down Ovechkin and Crosby and Malkin, the 3 best players in the league offensively.
Con: Never had to stop an attack as balanced as the Flyers.


-Analysis-

The Flyers are far too balanced to get downed by the Habs, Flyers in 6. Montreal still riots anyway.

Round 2 Habs at Pens Game 7 Preview

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages, the Blogosphere proudly brings to you, it's Best Game 7 Prediction Formula in the WORLD! The Insane One, his lovely girlfriend, they are DOWN GOES SPEZZA! And if you are not, down with that...

ahem,

Anyway, we have another Game 7 coming up tomorrow, and we here at Down Goes Spezza have predictions and analysis as only we can deliver.

Montreal at Pittsburgh


Same formula as before, Pros and Cons for each team followed by a prediction.


Habs:

Pro: Gave one of the 2 Hot 2 Handle AO sticks to Michael Cammalleri which allowed him to light up the Penguins this post-season.
Con: Stick may have been used to start bonfires in post game 6 riots.

Pro: Maxim Lapierre puts a new meaning in the term hometown hero.
Con: Maxim Lapierre may have dove too far down to help again.

Pro: Jaroslav Halak is a solid goalie bringing his total underdog team ever closer to the promised land.
Con: Look how it turned out for him in the Olympics.




Penguins:

Con: Have a roster stacked with top 5 draft picks stockpiled from a tank job in the early 2000s
Con: May need to restock roster with more top 5 draft picks from a tank job to begin the new decade.

Pro: Sidney Crosby recently found his lost scoring touch which helped keep the Pens competitive in Game 6
Con: Sidney Crosby has a habit of punching guys down under which could lead to Hal Gill removing Crosby from the game.

Pro: Are the top seeded team remaining in the east.
Con: We saw how top seeded Washington fared in the first round.


-Analysis-

I think it's safe to say that Halak has one more miracle in him before choking out in the next series. I'll even put a score down for this one: Habs 3 Pens 2 in OT.

Quick Predictions on the non-Flyers 2nd round Playoff Series

After going 50/50 in the Game 7s, we here at Down Goes Spezza have decided to take a look at the other playoff series. So, here we go.

Western Conference:

#1 San Jose vs. #5 Detroit

Quick Pick: San Jose drops the series in 6 games after a reporter accidentally walks up to Joe Thornton and asks him “how do you feel about these playoffs?”

#2 Chicago vs. #3 Vancouver

Quick Pick: Vancouver pulls this one out in 7 after Niemi accidentally swallows another puck only to drop it into his own net.

Eastern Conference

#4 Pittsburgh vs. #8 Montreal

Quick Pick: Jaroslav Halak continues to be red hot and the Habs D continues to shut down. Stephane Auger decides that it’s time to “get” Crosby the Crybaby and therefore it’s Habs in 7. By get, we mean actually call Crosby for Diving

#7 Flyers vs. #6 Boston

Tomorrow’s post will give a detailed analysis of this series.

Game 7 Preview #2: Habs at Caps

In part two of my entries on Game 7s in the first round, we look at the Eastern Conference, Habs and Captitals.

So we have the 8^th seeded Habs looking to upset top ranked President’s Trophy winning Washington.

Like it was done for the Coyotes/Wings, Down Goes Spezza has all you need to know.

Canadiens:

Pro: Have a set of skilled dynamic forwards who know how to move the puck around the offensive zone

Con: All of whom are less than 5 feet tall

Pro: Have set of strong leaders with playoff experience including Stanley Cup Winners Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez among others

Con: Also have Hal Gill, a free agent once signed by John Ferguson Jr. of the Toronto Maple Leafs

Pro: Will play game 7 in Washington, free of rioters who might try to set the team bus on fire.

Con: Will play game 7 in Washington, free of Belarusian mobsters who may try to make the Capitals disappear

Capitals:

Pro: Have a blue line anchored by Norris Trophy nominee Mike Green who is known for offensive playmaking abilities make him a threat to score at any time

Con: Have a blue line anchored by Trophy nominee Mike Green who is known for defensive playmaking abilities that make the other team a threat to score at any time

Pro: Captain Alex Ovechkin is an incredibly talented scorer who’s known for his ability to bat the puck out of mid air

Con: Coupled with his pitching ability, Ovechkin may be jumping ship to the Washington Nationals

Pro: In a gift to the team to prepare them for the playoffs, Captain Alex Ovechkin had “too hot to handle” sticks made for every player on the team

Con: Sticks were promptly used to start bonfires in post-game riots after game 6 in Montreal leaving the team with sticks that are "slightly warm" instead

Who’s going to win?

It seems the Capitals turned their backs on the series after going up 3-1. And of course, whenever something turns it back on the Capitals, Ovechkin promptly runs it into to the boards effectively destroying it for weeks to come. On the other side, Halak’s followed the tradition of Habs goaltenders started by Carey Price of smoking. Habs take game 7, then promptly get destroyed in the next round when Halak's fire goes out.