A Handy Guide for the NBA fan to the NHL

So it seems the NBA is threatening to cancel regular season games soon. With that, it seems that many NBA fans will soon be making their way to NHL games unsure of what to do. Luckily, we here at Down Goes Spezza would like to put into print (well, digital E-media) a guide to going to hockey games for NBA fans.


First a list of Do's/Do Nots


Do Not- Chant "De-Fence" when the opposing team has a powerplay to motivate your team's penalty killers
Instead-When your team has a power play, yell "SHOOT!!!!!" at whomever is holding the puck.


Do Not- Expect to see players "check in" at the scorer's table before entering on a change
Instead- Expect to see the Boston Bruins botch line changes and get called for Too Many Men penalties.


Do Not- Think that a puck in the mouth that breaks a jaw is a reason for a player  to miss a game.
Instead- Expect to see that player return with a cage on.


Do Not- Expect a half hour press conference to detail one UFA signing.
Instead- Expect a half hour press conference every day telling you everything about Sidney Crosby


Do Not- Expect to hate a player like LeBron James for signing as a UFA with another team
Instead- Expect to hate Eklund for getting your hopes up that a player might sign with your team.


Do Not- Get used to seeing a team in Phoenix.
Instead- Create your own clever relocation rumor


Do Not- Buy your new favorite team's jersey and expect it to stay in date since during the shipping time, they will probably re-design it.
Instead- Just buy a throwback from the 90s.


Do Not- Expect to hear rap music at a game.
Instead- Expect to hear music that was cool in 2004.


Do Not- Assume that goaltending is illegal.
Instead- Assume that you'll see 30 goalies a game when watching a Flyers playoff game or NY Islanders season.


Do Not- Expect to see players ignore defense every night and have it treated as the norm.
Instead- Expect every single person  to blast Dany Heatley and Phil Kessel for never venturing into the defensive zone.


Do Not- Wonder why players like Dustin Byfuglien, Martin Brodeur, Kyle Wellwood and Tim Thomas have jobs despite not looking like athletes.
Instead- Wonder why players like Wade Redden, Matt Walker and Mike Komisarek have jobs.





Also, if you're going to be attending an NHL game for the first, you may want to have "forecasts" of what to expect when you get to the arena. Luckily, we've put together a list of basic expectations for every NBA City that has an NHL team.

City-Toronto
NHL team- Maple Leafs
Basic Forecast- If you live in Toronto, you already know who the Maple Leafs are.



City- New York
NHL team- Rangers
Basic Forecast- In terms of big name free agency signings that don't deliver titles, Gaborik and Brad Richards are Chris Bosh and LeBron James...and Henrik Lundqvist is Dwayne Wade.



City- Minneapolis/St Paul
NHL team- Wild
Basic Forecast- By acquiring half the Sharks, the Wild now own many players with distinct choking abilities.



City- Miami
NHL team- The Florida Panthers
Basic Forecast- The Panthers went on a spending spree like the Heat a year ago. Unlike the Heat, the Panthers didn't actually sign good players.



City- Dallas
NHL team- Stars
Basic Forecast- Bankrupt, like the NBA will soon be.



City- Los Angeles
NHL team- Kings, Ducks.
Basic Forecast- Kings: Hipsters and Wil Wheaton make up the fan base. Ducks: No matter how hard you try, no one has George Parros's beard.



City- Bay Area, California
NHL team- Sharks
Basic Forecast- Like LeBron James, Joe Thornton tends to leave important games 12 minutes early.



City-Boston
NHL team- Bruins
Basic Forecast- Like single other team in Boston, the Bruins have won a recent title.



City- Washington DC
NHL team- Capitals
Basic Forecast- This actually might be the easiest city for an NBA fan to get into, as Capitals fans and Wizards fans all have roughly the same amount of hockey knowledge



City-Philadelphia
NHL team- Flyers
Basic Forecast- Muggy with a chance of batteries.


City- Atlanta
NHL team- Thrashers
Basic Forecast- Gone, faster than this NBA season


City- Newark, New Jersey
NHL team- Devils
Basic Forecast- Beware of traps and jars of jelly.

The Jaromir Jagr-Chris Pronger Transcript

Many people were shocked by the Flyers signing Jaromir Jagr last week. In fact, we all thought he would sign with the Penguins, Habs, or Red Wings, but then were surprised when in fact, Paul Holmgren inked Jagr. Later on in the day, it was revealed that Chris Pronger made a phone call to Mr. Jagr. Luckily the DGS Super Spies were able to snag a transcript of that call. Here it is, for you.

He's watching you, ready to trade you
as soon as you sign a long
term contract with a future NMC

Jagr- Dobré odpoledne. Já jsem Jaromír Jagr.

Pronger- Jaromir? This is Chris Pronger. We need to chat.

Jagr- Oh, Mr. Pronger, Lord of the Elbows.

Pronger- That's me!

Jagr- Why you call here?

Pronger- We need to talk.

Jagr- About?

Pronger- Who do you plan on signing with?

Jagr- The Penguins of course.

Pronger- Now why would you do that?

Pronger- We need to talk.

Jagr- Why?

Pronger- Because I don't like the Penguins

Jagr- But you're not playing for the Penguins, I am. What's the big deal?

Pronger- I don't like the Penguins.

Jagr- I don't see how this affects me, however.

Pronger- Do you remember my elbows? 

Jagr- Yes.

Pronger- What do my elbows do?

Jagr- Give people concussions. Break jaws. Injure people.

Pronger- Do you see where this is going? The cold Siberian winters haven't frozen your brain now have they.

Jagr- If I sign with Pittsburgh, you're going to elbow me, aren't you?

Pronger- 6 games, 3 periods, we each should have 10-12 shifts a game against each other. So, assume 20-24 elbows per game. 

Jagr- I shall sign with Philly, but there's no cap space. 

Pronger- Like cap space is a problem. Holmgren can't do math. Fleece him like I did. I have a 35+ contract worth nearly 5M per season. It runs until I'm 43.

Jagr- I shall call Holmgren now. Thank you, Mr. Pronger.

DGS Podcast Episode 5: Kevin Sellathamby

Another Saturday, another podcast:


Today we got Kevin from In Lou We Trust.





Quick things we talk about (In no real order):

• Matt Cooke
• NHL Goonery and why Matt Cooke sucks
• The New York Rangers and why they suck
• The Devils sucking
• Flyers awesomeness
• TRADING TOMAS VOKOUN!
• Sean Avery?
• Raw Is PRONGER!
• Hockey Trivia

Things People Involved in the NHL are Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving to my loyal American DGS readers. Speaking of it being Thanksgiving, it's the time of the year to be thankful, for something like hockey and the Flyers being in first place. Because of this, we sent out some texts to some NHL players to ask them what they're thankful for. The responses we got were rather enlightening.


Kyle Wellwood: "Butter, stuffing, French fries and trans-fats."

PK Subban: "Mike Richards didn't kill me, that's the nicest thing someone's done for me since my car got burned during a riot last spring"

Sheldon Souray: "I get to play in Hershey instead of Edmonton; mission accomplished"

Sidney Crosby: "No matter how much I dive, Bettman still loves me"

Patrick Kane: "Thbt Suttere kidd who pnchrd cabbie driverz"
(I wasn't sure what he was ok so I texted him back to ask 'Dude are you ok?')
Kane's response: "Yes, jus haad somme tequila"

Dammit Kane, stay sober for like...a day..seriously

Dan Ellis: "My money"

David Booth: "Mike Richards didn't kill me, I owe him one."

Peter Chiarelli: "Making the playoffs and getting a lottery pick 2 years in a row"

Colin Campbell: (Editor's Note: Colie didn't respond, apparently he doesn't know to use a Blackberry)

Brian Burke: "No one pretends to be me on Twitter anymore."

Glen Sather: "The Rangers ownership, for keeping me employed"

Derek Boogaard: "My goal scoring abilities"

Ilya Kovachuk: "Being able to play in NHL for 9 more years even tho Bett-man think I play 15 more"

Crazy Lou: "Jelly"

Joe Thornton: "The Heimlich maneuver, saving my life every year after I seem to choke every May"

Antti Niemi: "Leighton not closing 5 hole, made me cup winning goalie"

Sean Avery: "The ability to give others my sloppy seconds"

Henrik Sedin: "Daniel Sedin"

Daniel Sedin: "Henrik Sedin"

Coach Sutter: "Having a brother as GM so i dont get fired"

Brad Richards: "Knowing that I have at most, 7 months and 6 days in Dallas"

Andrew Raycroft: "A job in the AHL for the Texas Stars that keeps me from playing in Russia"
My response: "Uh Andrew, you play for the NHL's Dallas Stars"
Andrew Raycroft: "LOL there is NO way this is an 'NHL' team, it's defence is like ECHL quality"

Brian Gionta: "No one's burned my house down even tho I'm an American who's captain of the Habs"

Scott Gomez: "the lack of a height requirement to play in the NHL"

Jason Spezza: "Not having been destroyed by Patrick Sharp since 2004"

Gary Bettman: "Being a league that's so unnoticed, no one did anything about Colin Campbell...those MLB guys always dragged in front of Congress; that sucks for them"

NHL 2010-2011 Season Preview: Atlantic Division

I saved the best for last, the Atlantic Division. How are things gonna shape up here, DGS has the answers.

Pittsburgh Penguins

The Good: Max Talbot will be able to pick out every douche in the NHL and deliver a list of them to us.

The Bad: After Crosby and Malkin, the Penguins severely lack forward talent capable of scoring 120 points a season.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will be coddled by Gary Bettman's permanent man crush on Cindy Crosby

New York Islanders

The Good: Will have a guaranteed top 5 pick in the NHL draft due to playing 24 games against the Flyers, Penguins, Rangers and Devils all of which the Islanders will lose.

The Bad: Will run out of get well cards for Rick DiPietro by November.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the Democrats are able to push universal health care in the United States through in order to save on medical bills for DiPietro

New York Rangers

The Good: Will in fact win all 6 games against the Islanders due to the fact that they have Martin Biron.

The Bad: Will at some point sign Kyle Wellwood to a Redden-like contract.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope to every divine being known the man that Gaborik can avoid Dan Carcillo.

New Jersey Devils

The Good:

Signed shot blocking specialist Anton Volchenkov to throw his body in the way of any jars of jelly that Lou decides to throw.

The Bad: Have fallen victim to the fact that apparently the CBA matters.

Secret Strategy for the New Season:

Will fatten Brodeur up to the point where he covers the entire net even if pad free.

Philadelphia Flyers

The Good: Filled the "Craptastic Defensemen" void left by the departure of Ryan Parent with Andrej "Big Mesz" Meszaros.

The Bad: Now have to face the defending Stanley Cup champions in 4 rematches as the Hawks now play in the Eastern Conference

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have infinite hope in the idea that opposing shooters will never hit the net as they die laughing from realizing what the Flyers goaltending quality is.