Fan vs Fan

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A Handy Guide for the NBA fan to the NHL

So it seems the NBA is threatening to cancel regular season games soon. With that, it seems that many NBA fans will soon be making their way to NHL games unsure of what to do. Luckily, we here at Down Goes Spezza would like to put into print (well, digital E-media) a guide to going to hockey games for NBA fans.

First a list of Do's/Do Nots

Do Not- Chant "De-Fence" when the opposing team has a powerplay to motivate your team's penalty killers
Instead-When your team has a power play, yell "SHOOT!!!!!" at whomever is holding the puck.

Do Not- Expect to see players "check in" at the scorer's table before entering on a change
Instead- Expect to see the Boston Bruins botch line changes and get called for Too Many Men penalties.

Do Not- Think that a puck in the mouth that breaks a jaw is a reason for a player  to miss a game.
Instead- Expect to see that player return with a cage on.

Do Not- Expect a half hour press conference to detail one UFA signing.
Instead- Expect a half hour press conference every day telling you everything about Sidney Crosby

Do Not- Expect to hate a player like LeBron James for signing as a UFA with another team
Instead- Expect to hate Eklund for getting your hopes up that a player might sign with your team.

Do Not- Get used to seeing a team in Phoenix.
Instead- Create your own clever relocation rumor

Do Not- Buy your new favorite team's jersey and expect it to stay in date since during the shipping time, they will probably re-design it.
Instead- Just buy a throwback from the 90s.

Do Not- Expect to hear rap music at a game.
Instead- Expect to hear music that was cool in 2004.

Do Not- Assume that goaltending is illegal.
Instead- Assume that you'll see 30 goalies a game when watching a Flyers playoff game or NY Islanders season.

Do Not- Expect to see players ignore defense every night and have it treated as the norm.
Instead- Expect every single person  to blast Dany Heatley and Phil Kessel for never venturing into the defensive zone.

Do Not- Wonder why players like Dustin Byfuglien, Martin Brodeur, Kyle Wellwood and Tim Thomas have jobs despite not looking like athletes.
Instead- Wonder why players like Wade Redden, Matt Walker and Mike Komisarek have jobs.

Also, if you're going to be attending an NHL game for the first, you may want to have "forecasts" of what to expect when you get to the arena. Luckily, we've put together a list of basic expectations for every NBA City that has an NHL team.

NHL team- Maple Leafs
Basic Forecast- If you live in Toronto, you already know who the Maple Leafs are.

City- New York
NHL team- Rangers
Basic Forecast- In terms of big name free agency signings that don't deliver titles, Gaborik and Brad Richards are Chris Bosh and LeBron James...and Henrik Lundqvist is Dwayne Wade.

City- Minneapolis/St Paul
NHL team- Wild
Basic Forecast- By acquiring half the Sharks, the Wild now own many players with distinct choking abilities.

City- Miami
NHL team- The Florida Panthers
Basic Forecast- The Panthers went on a spending spree like the Heat a year ago. Unlike the Heat, the Panthers didn't actually sign good players.

City- Dallas
NHL team- Stars
Basic Forecast- Bankrupt, like the NBA will soon be.

City- Los Angeles
NHL team- Kings, Ducks.
Basic Forecast- Kings: Hipsters and Wil Wheaton make up the fan base. Ducks: No matter how hard you try, no one has George Parros's beard.

City- Bay Area, California
NHL team- Sharks
Basic Forecast- Like LeBron James, Joe Thornton tends to leave important games 12 minutes early.

NHL team- Bruins
Basic Forecast- Like single other team in Boston, the Bruins have won a recent title.

City- Washington DC
NHL team- Capitals
Basic Forecast- This actually might be the easiest city for an NBA fan to get into, as Capitals fans and Wizards fans all have roughly the same amount of hockey knowledge

NHL team- Flyers
Basic Forecast- Muggy with a chance of batteries.

City- Atlanta
NHL team- Thrashers
Basic Forecast- Gone, faster than this NBA season

City- Newark, New Jersey
NHL team- Devils
Basic Forecast- Beware of traps and jars of jelly.

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