Fan vs Fan

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The DGS 2011-12 Season Preview: What you need to know about all 30 Teams, Eastern Conference Edition

Atlantic Division

New Jersey Devils:
Key Strength: Ilya Kovalchuk will be a Devil for "14" more years giving the Devils stability in the "overpaid enigmatic Russian" department.
Key Weakness: Due to age requirements, their goaltenders will soon become Detroit Red Wings.
What If...: Pete DeBoer was just John MacLean 2.0?

New York Rangers:
Key Strength: Waiver rules mean that overpaid contracts can be buried in the minors away from the salary cap.
Key Weakness: The Rangers lack something known as talent.
What If...: Glen Sather was remotely competent?

New York Islanders:
Key Strength: Don't have to worry about debating tough issues as "how to stand up to goons like Trevor Gillies" as Trevor Gillies plays for their team.
Key Weakness: Team is completely distracted by the odds on "what does Rick DiPietro break this year".
What If...: The Islanders had a home that didn't smell moldy?

Pittsburgh Penguins:
Key Strength: Sidney Crosby will at some point, hold another press conference to tell us absolutely nothing of value.
Key Weakness: Matt Cooke's inevitable hearing with Brendan Shanahan.
What If...: Matt Cooke breaks Chris Simon's record on suspensions?

Philadelphia Flyers:
Key Strength: Roster battles need no longer be fought in camp thanks the Brendan Shanahan's active usage of his ShanHammer.
Key Weakness: Team is confused by the fact that the same guy is always in goal.
What If...: Jaromir Jagr's mullet didn't age a bit?

Northeast Division

Ottawa Senators:
Key Strength: In the most technical sense of the word, the Ottawa Senators are an NHL team.
Key Weakness: In the most literal sense of the word, the Ottawa Senators are an ECHL team.
What If...: the Senators go a year without changing coaches?

Montreal Canadiens:

Key Strength: PK Subban's apt initials for Penalty Kill will make for great pun based jokes from hockey comedians.
Key Weakness: Reaching the overhead bin's on team flights.
What If...: Chris Campoli turns over another puck in a game 7? Would the city of Montreal survive?

Toronto Maple Leafs:
Key Strength: Finally acquired NHL caliber centers.
Key Weakness: Still lack NHL quality depth.
What If...: Brian Burke robs the Flames again, does Calgary finally call the cops?

Boston Bruins:
Key Strength: Are in fact staring down at the rest of the NHL due to Zdeno Chara being so tall
Key Weakness: Donuts, cheeseburgers, Tim Thomas remembering he's 40.
What If...: Tuukka Rask somehow becomes worse than Andrew Raycroft and Phil Kessel is better than Tyler Seguin?

Buffalo Sabres:
Key Strength: Pegula's $$$$.
Key Weakness: No matter how much Pegula spends, you're still playing in Buffalo.
What If...: Ryan Miller actually claims the Flyers committed genocide by knocking the Sabres out of the playoffs?

Southeast Division

Winnipeg Jets:
Key Strength: An ability to win any eating contest vs NHL team
Key Weakness: Inability to be good at something called hockey, the thing these people are paid to do.
What If...: People actually realized that despite the new uniform and change of venue, these are STILL the Atlanta Thrashers?

Washington Capitals:
Key Strength: Alex Ovechkin should score more than 28 goals this season.
Key Weakness: Mike Green is still listed as a defenseman.
What If...: Brooks Laich's tire changing skills actually keep the Capitals from going flat in the playoffs?

Tampa Bay Lightning:
Key Strength: Dwayne Roloson still plays like someone half his age.
Key Weakness: Which unfortunately is still really really really really old.
What If...: Steve Yzerman runs out of Jedi Mind tricks and trades Stamkos for Walker?

Florida Panthers:
Key Strength: Made many great depth signings like Scottie Upshall and depth trades for Kris Versteeg and Brian Campbell
Key Weakness: A lack of something called "a top line"
What If...: the yarmulkes actually get delivered?

Carolina Hurricanes:
Key Strength: Signed backup goalie specialist Brian Boucher in yet another attempt of acquiring former Flyers like Brind'Amour and Michael Leighton.
Key Weakness: Teammates don't understand Jeff Skinner due to the fact he never completes his sentences.
What If...: the Hurricanes become the first southern team to actually win more than 1 Cup?

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