The DGS Wall of Shame Team

So, in a going away present for NHL 11, before NHL 12 came out, I put together quite possibly the worst possible roster in the history of current NHL players. I based this roster not off ratings, but over actual performance during the 2010-11 season. To be eligible to be on this team, the player had to play in the 2009-10 season or 2010-11 season at the NHL level (either in preseason or regular season). Since the Edmonton Oilers were the worst team (record wise) in the NHL last season, they had the honor of icing this team.

Also, players that made this team had to be overall horrible. Obviously icing a set of goons and defensive defenseman would never score any goals, so that was out. On top of that, young players who were waiver exempt were let off the hook as well, so if a player was sent down without clearing waivers, they weren't eligible. Players on ELC's weren't added either, again, young players get the benefit of the doubt that they might become something, some day.

Goalies:
Steve Mason 1
Vesa Toskala 35


Explanation: Who's been a bigger letdown than Mason? A Calder Cup before completely falling apart lands him as the starting goalie Also, see how Toskala's NHL career ended. Michael Leighton would have made the list save a miracle playoff run and the fact that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Defenseman:

Pair 1- Wade Redden 6 and Matt Walker 8
Pair 2- Brett Lebda 22 and Cam Barker 45
Pair 3- Nick Boynton 44 and Jeff Finger 4
7th D- Bryan McCabe 28

They're all traffic pylons. All of them. Except McCabe, he's a turnover machine.

Forwards:

Line 1: Nikolay Zherdev 93-Scott Gomez 91-Hugh Jessiman 47
Line 2: Alex Kovalev 27-Brian Rolston 12-Scottie Upshall 7
Line 3: Matt Cooke 24 (A)-Chris Drury 23 (C)-Jason Blake 33
Line 4: Chris Neil 25-Jamie Langenbrunner 15 (A)-Trevor Gillies 14
13th FWD:  Rob Schremp 13

So I think I need to explain somethings here. Gomez and Drury were 7+ cap hits that have done nothing with their careers except be completely mediocre. Sure Brian Campbell is the same way on D, but at least as a puck mover, he has some value. These forwards all have major holes in their game and quite literally cripple the team's they play for. Brian Campbell actually is needed to get to the Panthers to the salary floor so he serves a purpose that his team quite literally cannot. Rob Schremp, Scottie Upshall and Hugh Jessiman are all massive failures of first round picks. Gillies is an exception to my minor league rule due to having had more PIMS 169 than TOI 119:36. This isn't an enforcer, this is an out of control maniac. Kovalev, Rolston, and Blake are all players who haven't lived up to their potential on the ice. Langenbrunner was a player who fell apart everywhere he played during last season.


So I turned off the cap, and iced this team. The following record happened.

Edmonton Oilers: 21-57-4

Leading Scorer: Nikolay Zherdev 41G 33A 77P
Leading Goals: Nikolay Zherdev
Leading Assists: Scott Gomez 13G 52A 65P

Defenseman:
Leading Goals: Wade Redden 7G 31A
Leading Assists: Brett Lebda 6G 32A
Leading Points: Lebda and Redden

Leading PIMs: Chris Neil and Matt Walker each had 241
Trevor Gillies only had 202

+/-: Brett Lebda and Alex Kovalev each had a team worst -29, Team best was Upshall +2

Goalies: (Season was simmed, starts were alternated with Mason starting game 1 via winning of a coin flip)

Steve Mason: 41 Starts 43 games:  17-23-1, .861 SV% 3.63 GAA.
Vesa Toskala: 41 Starts 43 games: 3-34-3, .765 SV%, 4.53 GAA.

Goodbye NHL 11, this is your swan song.

25% Through the Season with 25 Reasons Why Your Team Won't Make The Playoffs

So the idea of this post is really simple. I have 25 statements prepared and if they fit your team, then there's a good chance your team is going to miss the playoffs this season.

(Accuracy of statements is only 25% or roughly, the save percentage of all goalies in the Nov 18 game between the Flyers and the Lightning)

1. Your teams biggest news splash was the fall out of revoking press creds
   
   
2. Your team's opening night goalie just hurt his arm lifting pie to his mouth
   
   
3. This team's home games are played in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
   
   
4. Garth Snow is your team's GM.
   
   
5. You paid $100M for a guy who can't take a penalty shot
   
   
6. Your goalie's already a drunk, and the rest of the team is on the way to following him.
   
   
7. Your team traded Gregory Campbell to another team.
   
   
8. Your team has a Sutter involved in the organization.
   
   
9. Your team just signed a player to a contract extension with the logic of "Numbers Don't Matter"
   
   
10. The other fans of your team will prevent your team from making the playoffs just to avoid paying the other half of their season ticket deposits.
    
    
11. You lack a first round pick in next year's draft.
    
    
12. Your goalie puts pucks into his own net.
    
    
13. Your 2nd year goalie said he wants to be just like Steve Mason.
    
    
14. Someone told your star center that the playoffs start in February rather than April causing him to do his choke in a big game routine 2 months early.
    
    
15. Down Goes Spezza picked your team to win the Atlantic Division. (We picked the NJ Devils)
    
    
16. Your season highlight involved a player on your team getting knocked out by a Simpsons character...err..Swedish meatball.
    
    
17. There's a distinct chance that a player on your team was telling Sean Avery "we suck like this" and not "you suck like this".
    
    
18. Your teams best power play point shot is in the AHL right now.
    
    
19. Your GM has obvious brain damage from hitting himself in the head with a jar of jelly.
    
    
20. Your GM decided that he wanted to make Wade Redden's contract look like a decent one.
    
    
21. Your GM offered a first round pick to the Rangers for Derek Boogaard in order to increase offensive production
    
    
22. Your GM announced that he's building a contender with the "Penguins Method" starting this year.
    
    
23. Your team is trying to lose more games in a row than the Detroit Lions.
    
    
24. Hell, that same team wants to do the opposite of the Flyers's record setting 25-0-10 run.
    
    
25. Your team's marketing strategy is all about getting fans of VISITING teams to visit.
    
    
    

Soon, the 25 reasons you're team will make the playoffs.

Here's to another run at the Stanley Cup

Dear Flyers Fans and People Who Read This Blog Because They Find It Entertaining, Stupid, Funny, or You're so out of your mind that you just ended up here,


It is time for the Flyers to take a run at the Stanley Cup. They are my favorite team to win it all. (Well yes). Every team has a clean slate right now, even the Edmonton Oilers. Every player has a clean slate as well, even Wade Redden, Kyle Wellwood, Keith Ballard!

Every GM on the other hand is on his team's hot seat, (Read: Paul Holmgren) because of the stupid, self destructive, unpopular moves.

So be prepared to sit back, relax, give up 18% of your pay to ESCROW (sorry Dan Ellis) and HERE WE GO.

HOCKEY IS BACK TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Down Goes Spezza

Hockey versus Baseball

So my blogging idol, Down Goes Brown, has done comparisons between Soccer and Hockey, Football and Hockey and Basketball and Hockey, but I didn't see any baseball on his list. (God help me if I'm wrong.)

Well, we here at Down Goes Spezza have decided to come up with a comparison between hockey and baseball for the good of helping hockey fans everywhere understand it. The reason for this is most likely you'll be forced to watch the MLB playoffs in October instead of opening night because well, the NHL doesn't have a tv deal with a normal channel yet.



MLB: Players have been known to have great performances ruined by the horrible officiating of Jim Joyce.
NHL: Players have been known to have great performances ruined by the horrible officiating of Kerry Fraser, Stephane Auger, video goal judges in Pittsburgh, Gary Bettman and just about every other official in the game.


MLB: Players who violate rules are suspended according to strict guidelines such as 50 games for a positve PEDs test, and 10 games for using corked bats.
NHL: Players are suspended according to usage of a super secret flowchart. (At what point does Down Goes Brown decide to sue me?).

MLB: Players who do not perform well for their team can be sent down to a minor league organization known as Triple-A.
NHL: Players who do not perform well for their team can be sent down to a minor league organization known as the Calgary Flames.

MLB: Players have been known to embellish being hit by a pitch in order to get first base. (see Derek Jeter)
NHL: Players have been known to embellish being hit by high sticks or tripped in order to get a 2 minute Powerplay for their team. (see: Dan Carcillo, Max Lapierre, Sidney Crosby, Matt Bradley, Sean Avery).

MLB: Poor sportsmanship usually manifests itself in dirty slides and players throwing at each other.
NHL: Poor sportsmanship usually manifests itself in concussions after a Chris Pronger elbow to the skull.

MLB: Players with major weight issues have been known to throw perfect games.
NHL: Players with major weight issues have been known to become internet memes.


MLB: Players can sign insanely long contracts with NTCs that keep them in the same city for an entire career without fear of the contract being rejected due to the lack of a salary cap.
NHL: Players can sign insanely long contracts with NTCs that keep them in the same city for an entire career without fear of the contract being rejected due to the lack of enforcement of the salary cap. (DGB's urge to sure is rising...if he actually reads my blog).

MLB: Players can score from 2nd base, a distance of 180 feet, on a poorly hit ball by a stroke of luck known as a seeing-eye hit.
NHL: Players can score from a the defensive zone, a distance of 180 feet, on a poorly shot puck by shooting against Vesa Toskala. (If DGB hasn't decided to sue me yet, he sure will now)

MLB: Players have been known to have legal trouble due to steroid use and lying about it to the US Congress
NHL: Players have been known to have legal trouble due to dealing with shady Belorussian mobsters.

MLB: Players on bad teams such as the Florida Marlins also have to worry about horribly hot weather as well as hurricanes.
NHL: Players on bad teams such as the Edmonton Oilers still have to spend winters in chilly frozen ICY HELL Edmonton.

MLB: Players have been known to have shards of wood embedded in their chests from broken equipment
NHL: Players have been known to have their throats cut by equipment in perfect working order.

MLB: Big name players like Carl Pavano have been known to sign in New York and never play a game due to injury.
NHL: Big name players like Rick DiPietro have been known to be drafted by New York and never play a game due to injury.


MLB: Teams from Canada haven't won a championship since 1993
NHL: Same (Now, with lawsuits.)

NHL 2010-2011 Season Previews: Northwest Division

Now we're just chugging along here with out secret training camp previews. Up today, the Northwest division.

Calgary Flames

The Good: The team's new acquisitions are already familiar with both the city and team as they all played for the Flames 3 years ago.

The Bad: The team's new acquisitions are dudes who PLAYED FOR THE FLAMES THREE YEARS AGO!

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will hope that this attempt at a tank job leads to Penguin-esque success.

Vancouver Canucks

The Good: Have an amazing player in Henrik Sedin and his twin Daniel as well too.

The Bad: Have a huge lockerroom void created by the loss of Kyle Wellwood.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will bank on the success of a backup goalie NOT named Andrew Raycroft.

Colorado Avalanche

The Good: Have a solid core of young players who are now all due for their sophomore slumps at the same time.

The Bad: Will not be able to rely on Peter Forsberg returning in order to save them.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope that Peter Budaj is actually Czech for Patrick Roy.

Minnesota Wild

The Good: Have a guy named Nicklas Backstrom on their team, and if what google tells me is true, then Nicklas Backstrom is a 80 point guy which makes him the perfect pair for Mikko "Numbers Don't Matter" Koivu on the top line

The Bad: Just realized that they have the OTHER Nicklas Backstrom and that numbers do matter.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will run on the hope that no one notices their existence again.

Edmonton Oilers

The Good: #1 Overall pick Taylor Hall has yet to demand a trade out of Edmonton

The Bad: #1 Overall pick Taylor Hall is getting closer to demanding a trade out of Edmonton

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Attempting to find a way to move the team out of Edmonton.

Scott Hartnell Agrees to Waive his NTC, the Secret Reasons Why

So it just came out that Scott Hartnell agreed to waive his NTC last year in order to be traded to the Edmonton Oilers for Sheldon Souray. Now, it's mind boggling as to way anyone in their right mind would ever waive an NTC to be traded IN TO Edmonton, so the DGSSuperSpies were put ont the case. Needless to say, their findings were eye opening.

• Dan Carcillo told Hartnell, "Hey, Edmonton's not so bad, when I played in Phoenix, I had to visit Edmonton twice every year." *after Hartnell was out of earshot* "And I made sure to get suspended before every visit."
• Blair Betts, who's from Edmonton said, "As a Ranger, I got to spend summer's in Edmonton and the weather was like 65 degrees every day and sunny, it was nice" *After Hartnell left the room* "Thank god I got to play in the Eastern conference"
• Chris Pronger elbowed Hartnell in the head and said "Edmonton's awesome" before laughing uncontrollably.
• Jeff Carter said, "Trust me dude, it'll be great for your career, showing your tough enough to play in Edmonton. Just don't bring Lisa, she's gonna hate the fact that I'm not...uhh...weather is bad in Edmonton. *Jeff then left to meet Lisa Hartnell and inform her of the great news*
• Danny Briere tried to talk to Hartnell about this, but no one noticed the Hab-sized center as he's too short.

And of course, the dialog between Paul Holmgren and Scott Hartnell.

Paul Holmgren: Hey Scott, glad you could see me.

Scott Hartnell: Urgh me happy to see you to.

Paul: Well, we have a possible trade upcoming, and I need you to waive your NTC

Scott: Where do me go?

Paul: Well, uhh, the Western Conference, though sadly, you're being traded to a team that has no hope in the playoffs.

Scott: Sound not fun. Do me get trade to Shark?

Paul: Not the Sharks.

Scott: Loss Angels Kings, they has fun name Koptar.

Paul: Not the Kings, they wouldn't give us Jon Quick in return

Scott: Calgary Flam? They from close to mine cave.

Paul: Uhh, close actually. We want to trade you to Edmonton.

Scott: Ed-mon-ton?

Paul: Yes, we will be receiving Sheldon Souray in return for you.

Scott: Why do me need to trade to Edmonton?

Paul: Yes, the Edmonton Oilers, but don't worry. They promised that they will never play another game in Edmonton

Scott: Sound like good. Hartnell get angry when playing in Oiler.

Stolen Posts: How the world beat DGS to ideas recently

Just a couple days ago, the blogging idol of DGS, Mr. Down Goes Brown, posted a comparison between NHL and NBA Free Agency and DGS was sad, because we had the same idea for a post in mind. DGB suggested that we pre-date the post and then accuse him of plagiarism but we decided against it. Instead, we decided to share our thoughts on the idea of tampering in NHL.

Thanks to @NonAmericanHero on Twitter for telling us that the CBA has no rules of tampering, so because of that DGS sent the DGS SuperSpies into the world to find out, what is tampering in the NHL. The results, they were odd, but enlightening to say the least.

Some NHL Examples of Tampering.

• Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs takes a trip to Sweden for a "vacation" only to end up accidentally recruiting the Sedins.
• Marian Hossa tampers with the Red Wings chances of repeating as Stanley Cup champions by signing with them after the 2008 season
• Flyers GMs since 1997 have tampered with the teams chances of winning a Stanley Cup by never signing a competent goaltender, (Remind me again why were paying Big Mesz $4 million and Nabby walked to the KHL?)
• Alexei Yashin tampered with the Islanders books by penciling his name on them until 2020
• Someone tampered with Rick DiPietro's health sending him for MRI's every year, (this just in...Rick has a minimum 5 MRIs per week clause in his contract)
• Chicago Blackhawks ownership tampered with the whole NHL by secretly moving the team to Atlanta after winning the 2010 Stanley Cup
• Kyle Wellwood tampered with the last scale he was on, making it say 181lbs as his weight.
• An unknown person or persons tampered with Ilya Kovalchuk's calendar causing him to not realize that in fact, he legally can sign an NHL contract.
• Rick Tocchet tampered with the Lightning's chances to win by hating on a guy named Vinny. (Thanks DTV)
• Someone tampers with Joe Thornton's mind every time the playoffs role around
• Keith Ballard likes to tamper with the skull of his team's goaltender
• Pierre McGuire will tamper with your belt and pants every time he interviews you.
• Every NHL player attempts to tamper with the Edmonton Oilers by demanding a trade out of Edmonton.
• Rangers GM Glen Sather tampered with Habs by convincing them to take on the Scott Gomez contract.
• Chris Pronger uses his elbows to tamper with opponent's skulls.
  

[Note: Eklund claims these ideas are all 100% DGS Originals (e4)]

The Curious Case of Ilya Kovalchuk

Editor's Note: This post is written by Amy, NOT DGS.




Ilya Kovalchuk, where will he end up. Well, the DGS SuperSpies have tried to find out, and they have some interesting ideas, as well as what this means for Flyers fans. So with the help of me, the Amazing Amy, DGS made a list of 10 possible destinations and what Flyers fans should think of them.



Team: NJ Devils
Odds: 4:1
Reasons to Go: Will be backed by a Hall of Fame caliber goalie and a great Defensive system
Reasons to Not Go: The Devils aren't exactly known for opening the bank for offensive talents
Meaning to Flyers: If he's in NJ, we're fucked.


Team: Toronto Maple Leafs
Odds: 10:1
Reasons to Go: Kovy and Kessel on the top 2 lines, it's bound to work, right?
Reasons to Not Go: Does Toronto have a D that can allow Kovy a chance to win
Meaning to Flyers: Only facing Kovy 4 times a year instead of 6 is a bonus, but I'd fear Kovy in the playoffs


Team: Boston Bruins
Odds: 500:1
Reasons to Go: Kovy/Hall/Savard top line, that's amazing
Reasons to Not Go: Will be traded to Toronto for a decade's worth of first rounders and Luke Schenn
Meaning to Flyers: Kovy in Boston=Bruins as favourites for the Cup in 2011


Team: Washington Capitals
Odds: 25:1
Reasons to Go: An all Russian top line of Ovy-Semin-Kovy sounds nice
Reasons to Not Go: Mike Green would then be the Caps top D-man causing every game to be decided by a score of 9-8
Meaning to Flyers: Really isn't one until the playoffs roll around...


Team: Edmonton Oilers
Odds: 100,000:1
Reasons to Go: I heard Edmonton feels like Russia in winter.
Reasons to Not Go: I heard Edmonton feels like Russia in winter
Meaning to Flyers: It's second best option.


Team: San Jose Sharks
Odds: 85:1
Reasons to Go: "Thornton to Kovalchuk...SHARKS SCORE" would guarantee another San Jose President's Trophy
Reasons to Not Go: Cap issues, lack of playoff success, risk of having to get a ride with Dany Heatley all come to mind
Meaning to Flyers: Again, it's nice to have Kovy out of the east...but I sure wouldn't mind having Kovy on another continent.


Team: Montreal Canadiens
Odds: 100:1
Reasons to Go: A skilled sniper would give the Habs a legit scoring threat
Reasons to Not Go: Other Habs players may be afraid of a giant 6'2" 230lb Russian
Meaning to Flyers: When Habs fans riot after wins against Toronto, the Flyers may have to give up their reputation as the "most brutish fans in hockey, or sport for that matter"


Team: Chicago Black Hawks
Odds: 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000:1
Reasons to Go: After the Hawks implode this team in order to gain cap space, they could restock with Kovy-Toews-Kane as their top line
Reasons to Not Go: Kovy would then need to work for free.
Meaning to Flyers: Hey, at least it keeps him OUT of the Eastern Conference...


Team: Philadelphia Flyers
Odds: 150,000:1
Reasons to Go: Great chance to win a cup
Reasons to Not Go: Flyers already have 8 top-6 caliber forwards
Meaning to Flyers: He becomes our weapon on offense, at the expense of having a goalie next year, seriously, Kovy=Boucher/Backlund in net


Team: Anyone in the KHL
Odds: 3:1
Reasons to Go: $14 million and a chance to be close to home why NOT take it.
Reasons to Not Go: I heard it's cold in Russia...
Meaning to Flyers: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!


Hope you guys like it.


-Amy