Maybe I'm the Solution

Just a few short weeks one damn off-season eternity ago, I wrote a piece about how maybe I'm the problem. (July 8, 2011: Maybe I'm the Problem). As it turns out, every story has an opposing side, and so I feel that now, in the dog days of August, this other side should be told.


2007-08: Because DGS goes off to college and starts living in Philly, he decides he needs a change in his life, the change, growing and keeping a goatee for the entire season, this goatee becomes a playoff beard when the regular season ends. However, cracking under of pressure of a now ex-girlfriend, DGS shaves the playoff beard right before the Pittsburgh series, the Flyers are soon eliminated.


2008-09: DGS once again keeps different variations of facial hair during the entire regular season, but in March of 2009, DGS starts a new job and decides to make a good impression on his new employer by going clean shaven for this job. The Flyers are quickly dispatched by the Pittsburgh Penguins.

2009-10: DGS is clean shaven for the start of the season. The Flyers totally suck more than anything. On December 31, as a joke, DGS decides to to let some facial hair start growing. When DGS doesn't shave, the Flyers kick ass. DGS lets a full chinstrap grow from Jan 1 which eventually turns into a playoff beard. DGS never shaves the playoff beard willingly but on the morning of Game 6, while frying bacon for his breakfast, DGS singes part of his beard and it falls out leaving an empty patch of playoff beard (not to be confused with DGS empty patches on his playoff beard caused by inability to grow facial hair.) Game 6 OT the puck trickles through Leighton's 5-hole.

2010-11: DGS goes into the season with a goatee as always, other than November where DGS does "Movember" and has a Carcillo-like Porn-stache instead. The Flyers are easily one of the best teams in the league. Right around the ASG, DGS drops the facial hair in favor or long sideburns and a Danny-Briere clone look and the Flyers collapse faster than the 2010 Boston Bruins. During the playoffs, the playoff beard returns but with a problem, right before Game 1 of the Boston series, DGS plays a pickup game of hockey with some friends. During the game, DGS loses some hair in his helmet. (if you check the playoff beard update pics, I started wearing a hat to hide it.) After DGS lost this chunk of hair, the Flyers never won another game.


Luckily, this year, I plan on keeping a Ville Leino beard until the playoffs, then going all out with (what I hope ends up as) a Hartnell-esque amount of hair.

PS: If it doesn't work, Blame Steve Whyno!

Here's to a successful season! GO FLYERS!

Somethings Don't Fit In Hockey, or anywhere for that matter

We've all done stupid things we regret. Every single one of us. We're just human after all, none of us are perfect. But that doesn't absolve us from our mistakes.

Now, in a perfect world, when we make a mistake, we're able to say we're sorry and move on. I've made my fair share of mistakes, 95% of which come from me talking without thinking. (Irony, I wrote that last sentence three times to make sure I got the message I wanted to send across in the right way.) Anyway, Bill Watters comments the other day reminded me of a hockey story of my own.

Just a few short years ago, I was playing in a summer roller hockey league. It was a fairly competitive league, at least, as competitive as an 8 team league made of mostly early to mid 20 somethings can be. Anyway, during a post whistle scrum (there always seemed to be one, especially in front of the net) I'm shoving with with an opposing player, he calls he a pussy and respond by telling him to shut up, and "quit being a whiny homo." Now, anyone who knows me, know's I'm about 5'9 140lbs, I'm not big at all, the guy I insulted was easily 6'1 175. Anyway, one of our players grabs me by the shoulder and pulls me about 15 feet away from the crowd in front of the net. While we're the only 2 behind the net, he whispers, so only I can hear it, that our goalie, who was by far our best player, was in fact gay and he, one of our players on our team, was the goalie's boyfriend. I was crushed. I felt so stupid for saying what I did. Anyway, the next stoppage of play, I apologized to the goalie, and to the other player both of whom took it in stride. As the goalie put it, "Matt, I know you, I know your politics, and I know that Amy (who is also a cowriter to this blog) is gay too. You made a silly mistake, don't worry about it, but don't do it again." I learned my lesson that day, I still talk trash, but now, I make sure to be insanely clever about it.

Being polite and a civilized human being doesn't have to be boring, it get just stretches the creative juices a little further, or hell, go by other cliche'd stereotypes. For instance, if you want to call an opposing player "soft" or a "not-tough" do what I've started doing, use original lines like "air puts up more resistance than you." Seriously, it works just as well and you don't have to worry about getting yourself in trouble. That last line, actually worked too well, the player I used it on, told me after the game that he didn't get it at first and because of that, it was a slight distraction to him that he claimed caused him to make a bad pass and turn the puck over. If you want to insult a goalie, call him/her "worse than Toskala" or "you were 'Leighton' getting to that one." Bad puns work wonders.

Short form, people are people, regardless of skin color, ethnic background, sexual orientation, gender identification, age, biological gender, hair color, eye color, foot size, etc...we're all human beings. Science proves that. We're all people, and all people should be treated equally.

Maybe I'm The Problem. If you believe in luck, then I am the Problem

Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I really caused all of this. I was going through my closet today (well yesterday), and I started going through my Flyers stuff. So guys, I give you everything Flyers that I collected during the 4 years that the RBK-Edge uniforms were used. See if you guys can notice a pattern....

2007-2008:

Received Simon Gagne poster for my birthday: Gagne's brain explodes.

Bought Joffrey Lupul t-shirt: 2 days later, Derian Hatcher breaks Lupul's neck.

Won Antero Niitymaki t-shirt: found out Niity needed hip surgery that offseason.

Proclaim Derian Hatcher as my favorite Flyers player that season: Hatcher breaks his leg and never plays another game again.

Call Jon Kalinski my favorte Flyers forward: compartment syndrome

Tell my roommate: "That Thoresen kid is my favorite Norwegian player..." less than 30 seconds later, Thoresen's balls explode.



2008-2009

Bought black long sleeved Danny Briere t-shirt: Briere plagued by injuries all season

Received Mike Knuble t-shirt for my birthday: Mike Knuble signs with the Caps in the offseason.

Wears #9 when playing in a rec roller hockey weekend tournament for Upshall: less than a week later, Upshall for Carcillo




2009-2010

Received Ray Emery poster for my birthday: Ray Emery's hip and abdomen exploded.

Bought Chris Pronger t-shirt: Pronger's knee explodes during the playoffs, then the 2010-11 disaster

Received a Ryan Parent t-shirt: Parent kills Leighton and Boosh.

Finally develop the confidence to say, "Leighton is really proving himself to be a legit NHL goalie" (~15 minutes later, PatDrunk Kane goes 5-hole)

Put Jeff Carter celebrating a goal as my computer wall paper: Jeff Carter breaks both his feet.



2010-11

Said "Don't worry, a full season of Leighton will be good for him and the Flyers" Leighton breaks repeatedly.

My Chris Pronger man crush becomes more public: Chris Pronger turns into Sami Salo and Rick DiPietro, at the same time.

My mom buys a Matt Walker t-shirt instead of Matt Carle: Matt Walker spends the year needing a walker

I met Jody Shelley and he signs my hat in January: Jody Shelley breaks his face with a puck

I met Andreas Nodl and he signs my hat in January. Andreas Nodl misses the playoffs with an injury.



Also, the playoffs, they get their own section.


2008 playoff run:

1st round: Washington- 1 year removed from the Disaster of 2006-07, I figured the Caps would dispatch the Flyers quickly, result-Flyers in 7

2nd round: Montreal- Hot rookie goalie, veteran short forwards, and I think, ok, the luck's run out so it's Habs in 6. Result-Flyers in a 5 game sweep. Kovalev batted the game 1 goal in with a high stick.

3rd round: Pittsburgh- I'm finally on board, the Flyers have a legit top pairing in Kimmo/Coburn. Great depth guys in Smith and they will contain Crosby. The Flyers will win in 6. Well, Coburn breaks his face. Timonen breaks a foot. Smith separates both shoulders. Result: Flyers lose.


2009:

1st round: Pittsburgh- Revenge is sweet, this year is our year. Result: No, it wasn't.


2010:

1st round: NJD: I start this blog with the sole intent of making fun of the Flyers for another first exit. Boucher beats Brodeur avenging what happened a decade earlier. Result: NJD rolls over.

2nd round: BOS: during my prediction post, I make a hilarious typo where I say the Flyers win in 7, but actually give Boston the win in 6 when I do my game to game log. Result: The Miracle on Broad St.

3rd round: MTL: I go in brimming with confidence, but I think that MTL is due for revenge. I write my preview post espousing the optimistic side of things, but privately, I'm thinking MTL has it this time around. And if the Flyers win, Leighton won't be the reason. Result: Leighton pitches 3 SOs

4th Round: CHI: I predict Flyers in 6. Result: Hawks in 6.


2011

1st round: Buffalo- I think the Flyers will snap up and lose the series without Pronger or win it with Pronger. Result: The Flyers win without Pronger being a major direct factor.

2nd Round: Boston- I call Flyers to win and Tim Thomas to fall back to earth and crap the bed 4 straight times. Result: Flyers lose, Boston wins the cup

Oh Come All Ye ToskaLOLs

Ever wondered what the NHL is singing around the holidays, yeah, we've been finding out for you. Here's another one.


Oh come all ye grinders
defensemen and enforcers
Oh come ye, oh come ye
To Toskala
Come and score on him
He of the pretend glove hand
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
He really sucks

Oh come all non-scorers
Kovalchuk and Davison
Oh come ye, oh come ye
To Toskala
Come and score on him
He'll put the puck in his own net
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
He really sucks

Oh toss all the waffles
With or without syrup
Oh toss them, oh toss them
At Maple Leafs
Come and laugh at them
Because they have no draft picks
Oh come give them a draft pick
Oh come give them a draft pick
Oh come give them a draft pick
Then fire Wilson

Oh trade all ye draft picks
To the Boston Bruins
Oh trade them, oh trade them
For nothing good
Raycroft for Rask
Still makes Leaf fans weep in shame
Oh fuck you JFJ
Oh fuck you JFJ
Oh fuck you JFJ
I hate you.




(Editor's Note: On a slightly more serious note: I feel the need to share this following open letter to Leafs fans because DGS-Cares)


Dear Leafs Nation,

Look, it's not going well right now. It's pretty bad. But if you put down the bottle of Jack Daniel's for a second and read this letter, there is some hope. DGS is psychologist (in training) and he's willing to offer free therapy to any Leafs fan who needs it. Just send your problems to DownGoesSpezza@gmail.com and I'll answer them publicly as part of my "DGS-Cares" campaign. I have a soft spot for you guys because, well, I hate Jason Spezza, and I hate the Habs. So this is my way of saying, Happy Holidays Leafs Nation.

-Down Goes Spezza


PS: Don't worry Flyerdom, you guys are getting your Christmas letter on Christmas Eve.