The DGS Hockey Scouting Report

Most of you know that I used to play hockey. But there are some reasons as to why I don't play anymore, try to figure out my game through this scouting report.

The Down Goes Spezza Scouting Report

Height: 5'10

Weight: 155lbs

Position: Left Wing

Hands: This player is known for his ability to find the open guy like Ville Leino, but his shooting ability is akin to Andreas "No Goal" Nodl.

Skating: Scott Hartnell stays vertical more than DGS does.

Checking: Solid defensively and a great PK guy, kinda like Darrol Powe.

Discipline: His stick is all over the place, there's usually more stick fouls than Danny Briere on a bad night with this guy.

Health: His joints explode like Rick DiPietro. His bone's explode like Marion Gaborik. His brain explodes like Eric Lindros.

There, now you know something about me. 

NHL 2010-2011 Season Preview: Atlantic Division

I saved the best for last, the Atlantic Division. How are things gonna shape up here, DGS has the answers.

Pittsburgh Penguins

The Good: Max Talbot will be able to pick out every douche in the NHL and deliver a list of them to us.

The Bad: After Crosby and Malkin, the Penguins severely lack forward talent capable of scoring 120 points a season.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will be coddled by Gary Bettman's permanent man crush on Cindy Crosby

New York Islanders

The Good: Will have a guaranteed top 5 pick in the NHL draft due to playing 24 games against the Flyers, Penguins, Rangers and Devils all of which the Islanders will lose.

The Bad: Will run out of get well cards for Rick DiPietro by November.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the Democrats are able to push universal health care in the United States through in order to save on medical bills for DiPietro

New York Rangers

The Good: Will in fact win all 6 games against the Islanders due to the fact that they have Martin Biron.

The Bad: Will at some point sign Kyle Wellwood to a Redden-like contract.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope to every divine being known the man that Gaborik can avoid Dan Carcillo.

New Jersey Devils

The Good:

Signed shot blocking specialist Anton Volchenkov to throw his body in the way of any jars of jelly that Lou decides to throw.

The Bad: Have fallen victim to the fact that apparently the CBA matters.

Secret Strategy for the New Season:

Will fatten Brodeur up to the point where he covers the entire net even if pad free.

Philadelphia Flyers

The Good: Filled the "Craptastic Defensemen" void left by the departure of Ryan Parent with Andrej "Big Mesz" Meszaros.

The Bad: Now have to face the defending Stanley Cup champions in 4 rematches as the Hawks now play in the Eastern Conference

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have infinite hope in the idea that opposing shooters will never hit the net as they die laughing from realizing what the Flyers goaltending quality is.

Sunday Brunch: A Discussion of Hilariously Hypothetical Things Related to the NHL, part 2

Just like last week, we here at DGS would like to invite you to brunch with us. Last week we got a couple of nice chuckles, and now we're looking to do some more of that.

This one is real simple. Once again, loyal DGS-ers give me your thoughts on a 'what would happen if' scenario'

1. What would happen if...Rick DiPietro, Sami Salo and Marion Gaborik walk into a bar together, where the bartenders are Keith Ballard and Chris Pronger?