The Good: Max Talbot will be able to pick out every douche in the NHL and deliver a list of them to us.
The Bad: After Crosby and Malkin, the Penguins severely lack forward talent capable of scoring 120 points a season.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will be coddled by Gary Bettman's permanent man crush on Cindy Crosby
New York Islanders
The Good: Will have a guaranteed top 5 pick in the NHL draft due to playing 24 games against the Flyers, Penguins, Rangers and Devils all of which the Islanders will lose.
The Bad: Will run out of get well cards for Rick DiPietro by November.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the Democrats are able to push universal health care in the United States through in order to save on medical bills for DiPietro
New York Rangers
The Good: Will in fact win all 6 games against the Islanders due to the fact that they have Martin Biron.
The Bad: Will at some point sign Kyle Wellwood to a Redden-like contract.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope to every divine being known the man that Gaborik can avoid Dan Carcillo.
New Jersey Devils
Signed shot blocking specialist Anton Volchenkov to throw his body in the way of any jars of jelly that Lou decides to throw.
The Bad: Have fallen victim to the fact that apparently the CBA matters.
Secret Strategy for the New Season:
Will fatten Brodeur up to the point where he covers the entire net even if pad free.
The Good: Filled the "Craptastic Defensemen" void left by the departure of Ryan Parent with Andrej "Big Mesz" Meszaros.
The Bad: Now have to face the defending Stanley Cup champions in 4 rematches as the Hawks now play in the Eastern Conference
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have infinite hope in the idea that opposing shooters will never hit the net as they die laughing from realizing what the Flyers goaltending quality is.