Translating Bryzgalov

Why you heff to be mad? It's only game....

Oh Ilya, you think you speak a language that no one understands...but I do, see, I'm Russian, just like you.


So with that, I'm gonna share with the world, the ability to understand Bryzgalov using quotes from his interview found here at BSH.


Quote: "I am excited to join a great organization with a rich history. That was my first reaction and I expect a lot from our work together."
Meaning: "I am excited to join a rich organization with a great history of overpaying players. My first reacion was $$$$$$$$ and I expect a big bank account, small island and possibly my own rocketship from our work together."

Quote: "First of all, when I came to Philadelphia, I met Mr. [Ed] Snider, Paul Holmgren and other people in the organization. We talked to each other and they told me the philosophy of the team. I like the philosophy of the team - winning, and everything in Philadelphia. I like this philosophy and it's my philosophy too.... This is a good spot for me because I like the idea and philosophy of the team."

Meaning: MONEY, they're giving me MONEY! MONEY MONEY OH MY GOD I HAVE MORE MONEY THAN DAN ELLIS!

Quote: "Not yet, not yet. He is a great guy. He's a good person and a big physical defenseman who can score, who can move the puck. He has everything that a number one defenseman needs. He's got size, he's got skill, he has character." (He's referring to Christopher Robert Pronger)

Meaning: OH GOD! Pronger's elbows scare me!

Quote: "Under NHL rules you can be traded any day and management made decisions to make some adjustments and we just have to accept it and play it."

Meaning: I know that I'm gone after 4 or 5 years. But I'm gonna be rich!

Things Steve Yzerman Also Wants This Offseason

Recently Steve Yzerman said that he would ask all Lightning players to wear visors starting next season. What most people don't know is that Yzerman also had another list of demands that he made of us players. Now, because Don't Trade Vinny has been out of it recently, I took it upon myself to send the DGS-SuperSpies to find out what else was on that list. Luckily, they obtained me a copy of the list which I will now share with each of you.

• That Marty St. Louis grow to an appropriate an NHL height of 4 feet tall.
  
• That the media ignore any all relevant Lightning stories and replace them with possible trade rumors involving Vincent Lecavalier to the Montreal Canadiens
  
• Acquiring Chris Pronger and Sergei Bobrovsky from the Flyers for Mike Smith
  
• That the Montreal Canadiens trade Carey Price to the Lightning for Dan Ellis's remaining problems in Tampa.
  
• That the media actually talk about how the Tampa Bay Lightning are an NHL team and not some figment of your imagination.
  
• Tampa becomes Detroit-south by changing their uniforms to red and white and putting a winged wheel on the center crest.
  
• Someone offers a 2nd round pick for Dominic Moore
  
• A defense
  
• A goalie who's younger than his head coach

Tales from a Philadelphia Press Box: Do Over Anyone?

My Darling Glove -

Well - we cleared waivers. That's right, I'm back in orange and black - okay, I was always in orange and black, I've just ditched the purple. I'm officially back on the Flyers' roster. Granted, I'm a third goalie again - just here for depth, but it still feels good. I'm joining the team in Buffalo tomorrow. I heard it snowed there today - it will be like I never left Glens Falls.

Right away, Lavy deemed Bob the starter for Friday (a whole two days in advance, really?) - and then said Bob and Boosh were the guys for the playoffs. Yeah, I get it. Don't want to deal with me. Tough luck, I'm here anyway. Maybe something will go my way, maybe it won't - but for now, I'm going to enjoy living in a city again. The Phantoms season was pretty much over anyway.

Of course, if they wanted to see if they could get a shutout in their last two games, they might be better served putting me in between the pipes...just saying. And of course, against the Islanders, I'd like to see DiPietro try to fight me - come on down buddy, I'll break the other side of your face. No problem.

Anyway, I'm just happy to be here. I mean nothing could taint this moment for me, it's just so wonderful to be in the NHL aga- oh crap, I have to start paying escrow again. #DanEllisProblems.

Hugs and a Slightly Lighter Wallet,

Leights

NHL vs WWE

Ok, maybe this post is a product of the fact that I (like many hockey fans) am a fan of the WWE. Maybe this post is a product of attending the 11/29 Raw in Philly last night. Maybe this post is a result of Greg Wyshynski's wrestling themed season previews. Maybe it's a combination of some or all of the above. But either way, if you've ever wondered; there are a lot of parallels between the NHL and WWE. Come to think of it, some NHL personalities would fit perfectly with a WWE counterpart. Let's have a look.


WWE: The Rock
NHL: Chris Pronger

Both have outstanding interview skills and have won many awards/titles for their exploits on the playing surface. Also, both are known for finishing off opponents with a devastating elbow.


WWE: Million Dollar Man
NHL: Dan Ellis

Both love money. Both are willing to use their money to get what they want. Neither one has ever won or will ever win a world championship.

WWE: Mr. McMahon
NHL: Gary Bettman

One is an evil commissioner hellbent on making live miserable for fan favorite Stone Colt Steve Austin for being a rebellious anti-hero. The other is just flat out evil.

WWE: Rikishi
NHL: Dustin Byfuglien

Both are really big dudes who are known for using their backsides to obscure the vision of opponents. (Yes I know Buff plays D now...)

WWE: The Miz
NHL: Sidney Crosby

Both are talented to an extent, and both are shoved down our throats mercilessly. Also, both of them have faces that make me want to punch them. Both were handed titles by the powers that be even though they may not have deserved them.

WWE: The Undertaker
NHL: Mark Recchi

Both are old legends who can still go at it. Both are highly respected and each has a mystical aura about them. Recchi for still being able to bring it, and 'Taker for just being awe inspiring.

WWE: Ric Flair
NHL: Chris Chelios

Both are old, still going, and it doesn't make sense how they're still around. I'm pretty sure they're about the same age too.

WWE: Sheamus
NHL: Sergei Bobrovsky

Rookie sensations who were tossed right into the fire soon after their debuts. Bobs had a preseason featuring 2 games against mostly developmental talent and the Toronto Maple Leafs (Editor's Note: developmental talent and Toronto Maple Leafs is redundant). Both then soon would defeat someone considered to be the best..with Bob beating the Penguins on opening night and Sheamus knocking out HHH for an inhuman amount of time.

WWE: The Godfather
NHL: Carey Price aka Smokey McFornicate

Both love women, both love smoking. Both have "hos" following them around.

WWE: Santino Marella
NHL: Paul "BizNasty" Bissonette

Neither one is really talented at their trade, but both are incredibly funny.


WWE: Wade Barrett and Nexus
NHL: Bobby Clarke and the Broad Street Bullies

These groups each debuted, and quickly led violent takeovers over the establishment. Barrett is the leader of Nexus and Clarke was Captain of the Bullies. These groups were known for just beating anyone down who stood in their way.

WWE: Kurt Angle
NHL: Jaromir Jagr

Two incredibly talented athletes, both are Olympic gold medalists and both have won the highest championships in their sport. Also, both then ditched the most well known league in their sport for another less competitive league.

This means...


WWE: TNA
NHL: KHL

WWE has TNA, a place for old, over the hill veterans and those who just can't go anymore to still get a good paycheck. The NHL has the KHL for the same reasons.


WWE: John Cena
NHL: Paul Ranger

John Cena is known for coming out and telling people, "You can't see me" and we literally can't see Paul Ranger as no one knows where the f he is these days.

WWE: Matt and Jeff Hardy
NHL: Kyle and Eric Wellwood

Two sets of brothers. The older brother has a weight issue while the younger has immense amounts of talent. The only question, will Eric Wellwood develop the same drug problem

WWE: Edge
NHL: Marion Hossa

The Ultimate Opportunists, these guys both want championships and are willing to sell themselves in order for chances to get them.

WWE: Rey Mysterio
NHL: Martin St. Louis

Both are vertically challenged dudes who led underdogs to the title wins.

WWE: Bella Twins
NHL: Sedin Twins

Twins who could pull switches and no one would ever notice. (Editor's note: DGS has an easier time telling the Bella Twins apart)

WWE: Big Show
NHL: Zdeno Chara

Each one is the largest dude in his sport.

WWE: Chris Jericho
NHL: Claude Giroux

The man of 1004 holds meets the man of 1004 dekes. Enough said.




This is the first NHL meets Wrestling posts, Kevin from In Lou We Trust and I are going to be working out another one that should go up sometime next month

Ellis, Smith, Boucher and Bob's excuses for not showing up to last night's game

So last night the Flyers played the Bolts in a nice football game and because the Bolts went for 2, they won 8-7. Luckily after the game, the DGS-SuperSpies were able to hear all the excuses given by all 4 goaltenders for why they weren't at last night's game. Some were rather eye opening to say the least.


Sergei Bobrovsky:

• Was unprepared for the game due to the fact that he's been listening to a certain song over and over again.
• After losing 3-0 to the Habs a couple nights earlier, Bobs was letting pucks in because he was told by Jeff Reese, "as a stud rookie goalie, you basically want to be the opposite of Carey Price"
• Due to errors in translation, when told to model his game after a well known goalie wearing #35, he decided to imitate Vesa Toskala rather than someone who could actually be an effective goalie.

Dan Ellis

• Make your own "Dan Ellis Problems" joke here.
• Thought that since he loses 18% of salary to ESCROW, he only needs to stop 18% of pucks.
• Because, well, since he only makes $1.5M by his own claims, he's not as good as goalies like Michael Leighton, Sergei Bobrovsky or any other goalie who makes more than he does.

Brian Boucher

• Thought he was stopping pucks because "boo!" sounds "BOOSH!"
• Since he hadn't played in forever, he just assumed that he was going in net for another practice and because of that failed the realize that this one counted.
• Because well, seriously people, when was Brian Boucher ever good.

Mike Smith

• Was too busy trying to figure out why he was getting the fail whale on Twitter.
• All the red lights he saw before entering the game caused him to go blind from the bench.
• Hey, he won the game, didn't he?

iPods of the NHL

Sometimes we here at DGS just run into things by accident. And these accidents cause us to send out the DGS SuperSpies on special investigations to find out the truth. In todays case, a DGS writer was chatting with a friend about music and we got curious, what do different NHL players listen to while on the road and all. Well guess what, we sent the DGS superspies all around the NHL and they grabbed a few iPods of NHL players and got a look at some of their "Top Played" songs. Needless to say, the results were shocking.

• Weird Al was a hit among quite a few current and former NHL players. Martin Brodeur, Tim Thomas and Kyle Wellwood all had "I'm Fat" as their top played tune.
• A Mr. Sutter, GM of the Flames, had Thin Lizzy's "The Boys Are Back In Town" as his most listened to song. I wonder if this explains his recent moves.
• Rick DiPietro's top played tune was "Broken" by Seether w. Amy Lee (A close second was Dry Cell's "Body Crumbles"
• Foreigner's "Double Vision" was the top played song on Simon Gagne's iPod, it beat out U2's "Vertigo" by one play.
• Speaking of Lightning players, we found Paul Ranger's iPod, the top 5 songs on it where:
  1. The Moody Blues's I Know You're Out There Somewhere"
  2. U2 "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"
  3. Evanescence's "Missing"
  4. Our Lady Peace's "Somewhere Out There"
  5. Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here"
• Jeff Carter's iPod only had one song on it. "Scotty Doesn't Know" By Lustra
• Sami Salo's top played song came from Italian metal band Lacuna Coil "Fragile" he also had the entire soundtrack to the Nutcracker ballet as well.
• Brian Burke has a list of songs that are required listening for every new Maple Leafs player
  1. Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode
  2. Empty Spaces by Pink Floyd
  3. This Is Not The End by The Bravery
• Mike van Ryn's favorite song is apparently "Through Glass"
• Patrick Kane's top tune is by the Killers and it's called "Leave the Bourbon on the Shelf"
• Alex Burrows is a bit "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath
• And last but not least, "Money" by Pink Floyd is Dan Ellis's top played song.
  

If this gets really popular, expect a part 2 where I do this again with different players.

Ilya Kovalchuk comes clean about why he got scratched.

So tonight, the world was shocked when Ilya Kovalchuk was scratched by the Devils for last night's game. Luckily the DGS-SuperSpies were able to get a hold of Ilya after the game and ask him what was going on. With that, we have Ilya's reasons for why he got scratched, straight from his mouth.

(Editor's note: We were gonna run another psych profile today, but DGS had to go hurt his knee during a pickup hockey game)

• Needed time to be schooled in the idea of playing defensively on the ice
• Has a little known "reverse Escrow clause" in his contract, he gets paid 100% of his contract but will miss 18% of games over the 15 years.
• Needed to visit his shrink to talk about the depression of spending 15 years in NJ.
• Just realized that he agreed to spend 15 years in NJ
• Threw a hissy fit because Martin Brodeur ate his pregame meal
• Told the coaching staff he wanted a "nap time" clause during games in the manner of Ondrej Pavelec
• Had to fulfill his role as a Russian Spy.
• Wanted to fly back to Russia to have his family from famine caused by Kyle Wellwood playing in the KHL.
• Didn't see the need to dress as Buffalo lacks enforcers. (Stick tap to Kevin S. of In Lou We Trust)

The Last 4 Unbeaten Teams and Their Dirty Little Secrets

So we have 4 unbeaten teams in the NHL, all of them are rather surprising, and this got me thinking, why is that these teams have stayed unbeaten for so long. Needless to say, I sent the DGS-SuperSpies to find out, and what they learned was rather enlightening.

• Team: -Dallas Stars-
  Reasons for Winning: Players no longer feel any pressure to perform because Mike Modano is no longer around to tell the stars stories of picking up a giant trophy in June after winning a 16 team tournament. Because of this lack of pressure, the Stars have concentrated on having fun on the ice and have accidentally won a few games.
  Reasons to Lose: Because Andrew Raycroft will be forced to play a game at some point this season.
  
• Team: -Nashville Predators-
  Reasons for Winning: Opposing forwards tend to be scared of the giant goaltenders in net for the Predators. On the other end of the ice, no one tries to block shots off the stick of Shea Weber out of fear that they will become the next Sami Salo.
  Reasons to Lose: They are the Nashville Predators.
  
• Team: -Toronto Maple Leafs-
  Reasons for Winning: Because the Leafs no longer employ Vesa Toskala. Also, the Leafs finally caught onto the idea that maybe pissing off Brian Burke is a bad idea.
  Reasons to Lose: If Colton Orr can lose a fight, then the Leafs can lose a game.
  
• Team: -Tampa Bay Lightning-
  Reasons for Winning: Employ a team of winners known as the 2008 Philadelphia Flyers.
  Reasons to Lose: In a second lapse of judgement, Steve Yzerman will trade Dan Ellis's problems to the Montreal Canadiens for Carey Price's cigarettes. This will cause Ellis to take up smoking before games leading to him to run out of money as well as talent. (PS: Dan Ellis's Problems will cause Habs fans to riot.)

Here's to another run at the Stanley Cup

Dear Flyers Fans and People Who Read This Blog Because They Find It Entertaining, Stupid, Funny, or You're so out of your mind that you just ended up here,


It is time for the Flyers to take a run at the Stanley Cup. They are my favorite team to win it all. (Well yes). Every team has a clean slate right now, even the Edmonton Oilers. Every player has a clean slate as well, even Wade Redden, Kyle Wellwood, Keith Ballard!

Every GM on the other hand is on his team's hot seat, (Read: Paul Holmgren) because of the stupid, self destructive, unpopular moves.

So be prepared to sit back, relax, give up 18% of your pay to ESCROW (sorry Dan Ellis) and HERE WE GO.

HOCKEY IS BACK TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Down Goes Spezza

DGS Vacation Report: Sept 2010 Trip to Florida

Well I spent a week in Florida that was rather relaxing and fun. I got to spend to time with my family, made a few new friends, met a guy who's fan of both DGS and Don't Trade Vinny, which in my book makes him awesome. I also had a pizza delivery guy named Dan E. (off his name-tag) who I tipped 18% on purpose, he got the joke too which was awesome.

Then there were the frustrations, like trying to find a Simon Gagne Lightning T-shirt, apparently they don't exist, come to think of it, hockey didn't seem to exist in Florida at all. I flipped through the Sept 10 edition of the Orlando Sentinel newspaper. There were MORE ads for guns in the paper than for any kind of hockey equipment (roller or ice) or NHL related stuff. I'll pause so you can read that again.

Moving on, I found some intelligent hockey fans in Florida that are not my family members. This was refreshing knowing that people follow the sport even though Florida media seems to refuse to acknowledge its existence. One of them, introduced to me by DTV via the interwebz showed me that there's hope for hockey in the southern USA.

Sometime after the season starts, when I hit a creative lull, I'll revisit that issue again, until then. I hope to write some posts about Flyers camp and all. So stay tuned. Soon, I will return to my humor oriented content, don't worry.

Tuesday Morning Coffee Break: September 7

Hey what do you know, Tuesday morning coffee break two weeks in a row. Sadly, I'm writing this at 2:30am and I'm falling asleep as I type, so it's just gonna be links and no clever commentary

• To make my life real easy, here's Stay Classy's link list for this week.
  
• Dan Ellis went crazy again earlier tonight, Don't Trade Vinny knows why Ellis is crazy.
  
• The Active Stick learned a lot of things this offseason, her list was hilarious. She's a Habs fan so I hope that Habs owner Michael Leighton approves of her becoming smarter.
  
• Want to see an exciting movie: Hockey Broad has a look at a new movie coming out. Hope it is good.

Now go forth and enjoy your break. Get back to work and be productive.