Daria Meets the NHL

As many of you know, I've recently become obsessed with the show Daria. It got me thinking, what if NHL players/personalities were actually Daria characters.



Daria Morgendorfer: the protagonist of the show, she's quick-witted, intelligent and loves to troll.

Here is Daria trolling her own sister...



Remind you of someone....Daria Morgendorfer is Chris Pronger.



Brittany: The clueless dumb blonde cheerleader stereotype. She has no redeeming social value or intelligence or talent....


Remind you of someone....Brittany is any goon...


Trent Lane: Jane's underachieving, lazy, older brother. He plays in a band called Mystik Spyral. He doesn't have a real job,


Sadly you can't embed the video: http://youtu.be/COBuDtR8Fis 
It's Trent accepting an alternate plan, of sitting around doing nothing because Jane and Daria won't trust him to actually do anything complicated despite Trent being the only "adult" in the situation...

As my girlfriend is a CaroLOLna Hurricanes fan, I know that Trent is.....TOMAS KABERLE!




Jane Lane: Jane is Daria's best friend. She also attempts to BE Daria a few times despite not being as smart. They're an inseparable pair.




Since Daria is Chris Pronger and Jane is trying to be her, Jane Lane is.... Matt Carle, Ryan Suter, Shea Weber, Andrej Meszaros, Andreas Lilja, Luke Schenn....oh dear god the Flyers defense is totally screwed.



Mr. DeMartino:  The angry, misanthropic, self loathing history teacher.

Sorry: again, lack of embedding... http://youtu.be/4Md0bGSrzlw

Angry, snarky when asked questions by those who are SUPPOSED to ask questions...oh my god it's John Tortorella.


Tiffany: Member of the fashion club, complete idiot.





Let's see, dumb quotes, dumb explanations that make no sense... Tiffany is every NHL referee ever.



Quinn Morgendorfer: Daria's sister. Fashion club member. User of boys.

Quinn is, quite simply, a puck bunny.




Jake Morgendorfer: Daria's dad. He has big dreams, but never quite reaches potential.


Here's Jake not moving the Pentagon...

Jake has big dreams, but never really materializes...just like the Lockout to Lockout Toronto Maple Leafs.


Helen Morgendorfer: Daria's mom. She's business driven but totally clueless as to her own family...




Wait a second, somewhat nuts, moody and withdrawn but dedicated to her craft...it's Mike Richards



Kevin Thompson: Brittany's boyfriend and the stereotypical football player.

He's an oil-typhoon...or as Gary Bettman prays, the next owner of the Coyotes.



Well, stop standing on my neck, the post is over. ALRIGHT! *turns on Pigskin Channel*

The Laviolette Line Lottery

Well, it seems that Lavi is at it again, just pulling lines at random and inserting them on to the ice. The thing is, these lines aren't random, in fact, the lines come from a come from a long list of rules that must be adhered to. Luckily, the DGS SuperSpies obtained this list and we're gonna share it.


1. Due to the lack of centers, Couturier, Briere, Schenn, Giroux and Talbot are not allowed to be on a line together.

2. Scott Hartnell falls for linemates, he has to removed from a line after falling to prevent the center from possibly having relations with his wife.

3. Danny Briere will take a stick foul if left with the same linemates for more than 2 consecutive shifts.

4. Paul Holmgren believes that changing Couturier's line fast enough will actually slow down time allowing him to slide Couturier even though he plays in 82 games.

5. After a shift, when Matt Read says, "and I learned that at Bemidji" State," any forward within ear shot has to go to the lockerroom to look up how to spell Bemidji.

6. Sometimes players miss shifts on account of being dazed from Chris Pronger's left elbow.

7. Jake Voracek hasn't quite learned the system of "rely on your talented young center to get you the puck"

8. Due to the smaller ice surface of North America, while sitting on the bench, Jagr actually thinks he's playing the game.

9. Peter Laviolette rotates his forwards on account of not having goalies to rotate anymore.

10. Paul Holmgren accidentally called out line changes from the GM's office...needless to say, like his math skills, his memory of lines leaves much to be desired.

Not So Different, Flyers and Leafs

As many of you who follow me on twitter know, I have a huge soft spot for the Toronto Maple Leafs. It's confusing to some since the teams have such a huge rivalry on the ice, but honestly, it's not really hard to explain. The Flyers and Leafs are in fact, very similar. Let's have a look, shall we.

Both teams have a history of great goal tenders: Parent/Hextall in Philly, Belfour/CuJo/Potvin in Toronto. This was contrasted by terrible goaltending post lockout with some hot streak exceptions (Leighton/Boucher/Esche in Philly, Toskala/Raycroft in Toronto.)

Both teams have an insane drought since their last Cup win, 1975, 1967.

Both teams have demanding fans that throw things when displeased (waffles? batteries?)

Both teams hate the Habs and Bruins.

Both teams finally (hopefully) found their goaltender (Bryzgalov and Reimer)

Both teams are currently captained by big body D-men who are known for hard hits and big slapshots (Pronger and Phaneuf)

Both teams have to deal with a division rival who's won cups more recently than them (Boston/MTL for Toronto, Pittsburgh and NJ for Philly)

Both teams get to destroy a weak but once "great" team (NYI for PHL and OTT for TOR)

Both teams have an overpaid goon who occasionally scores. (Colton Orr and Jody  Shelley)

Fans of both teams both hated a sniper for missing the net (Jeff Carter and Phil Kessel)

Both teams have very old school GMs who want physical teams (Homer and Burkie)

Both teams have NMC's driving them crazy (Muskoka 5 anyone?, what Pronger, Timonen and Briere will be in 2-3 years)

Both teams have exciting young defenseman (Gunnarson, Franson, Aulie in TOR, Carle, Gustafsson, Coburn in PHL)

Schenn and Kessel. Kessel and Schenn. Enough said.

Players with heart problems (Gustavsson in Toronto, Hartnell in Philadelphia)

GM's with close friends as coaches (John Stevens in PHL who got fired, Ron Wilson in TOR who almost got fired)

Each team picked up a hot goalie at the right time who gave their team a ton of hope moving forward (Michael Leighton in Dec 2009, James Reimer in Jan 2011)

Both teams traded multiple first round picks for an instant impact player (Pronger to PHL, Kessel to TOR)

Both teams employed a holey goalie (Leighton's 5-hole, Toskala's glove hand)



So, this is why, I always will be friends with fans of the Leafs. I know how they feel, because, Flyerdom, they are us.

Flyers Dark Horse Choices For Captain

Well, a lot of people seem to think the Flyers will give the "C" will go to one of three players: Kimmo Timonen, Chris Pronger, or Danny Briere.

But the fact is, there are some deserving candidates for the "C" in Philadelphia and now, we're gonna go through the Pros/Cons of 5 other players on the Flyers roster.


The Candidate-Scott Hartnell
His strengths- He's known for being a drill sergeant which is always good for having a disciplined team.

His weaknesses- Does anyone actually think Hartnell is capable of running a skating drill?



The Candidate-Matt Carle
His strengths- He's known for being a solid defenseman especially during even strength play which where most of the game is played.
His weaknesses- Allegedly disappears when Chris Pronger isn't around.


The Candidate- Blair Betts
His strengths- His calm demeanor even in tough PK situations is great for mentoring young players.
His weaknesses- He is Blair Betts. No one really knows too much about his personality and one day as Captain would be probably involve more interviews than Betts has done in his entire NHL career up to this point.


The Candidate- Max Talbot
His strengths- Totally learned how to handle tough Wells Fargo Center crowds from playing on the Penguins
His weaknesses- He is probably still a douche.


The Candidate- Jaromir Jagr
His strengths- He's totally betting on being named Captain, and Jagr's gambling has never been a problem.
His weaknesses- Something he says about being a former "Capitals superstar forward" has many people confused.

DGS Was Wrong. My public apology.

I was wrong. Paul Holmgren actually made a completely genius move that I have been criticizing since it happened. Not only that, but there are many others who agree with me, possibly due to my fervent usage of this criticism. Well, I'm here to make amends and apologize. The following is my public apology to Paul Holmgren.

Dear Mr. Paul Holmgren,

Can I call you Uncle Paulie again? I'm sorry for thinking you didn't know what you were doing with Pronger. But today, I was on CapGeek and I found somethings and I realized you have 1 of 3 ideas in mind to keep Pronger from being a cap nightmare. You ARE planning to do these 1 of these 3 things right? If you're not, do them anyway.

DGS



Pronger Solution 1:

Keep Chris Pronger on perma-LTIR like Mike Rathje was. This one is fairly simple, it's been done before.

Pronger Solution 2:

Trade Chris Pronger after the 2013-14 Season. Because in 14-15 Pronger's salary drops to 4M, followed by 2 years of 525K.

While the cap hit would be 4.921, a "salary floor" team may be in need of some extra cash like Florida was this year. A team could in fact "pay" Pronger the 5.5M for 3 years to have a defenseman who could play the #7 D-man role and tutor some younger D-man. Imagine if Nashville loses Shea Weber to UFA and Ryan Suter. Pronger could be traded to NSH for a 5th round pick he could tutor some young D-men who are on ELC's in order to keep them (or another team in the same situation) above the Salary Floor. Pronger could play 30-35 games a season as a PP specialist but really be more an extra coach in practice. His performance wouldn't be the important part (he just needs to do what he did in his few playoff appearances, be a PP specialist and log some third pair EV minutes in limited game duty)

Or, if the team just wants a cap hit, they could trade for Pronger and buy him out like NSH did to Brett Lebda this year. In a 35+ Buyout, the cap hit stays the same BUT instead, the team would payout 2/3 the salary. So, on July 1, 2014 Pronger is dealt and bought out, thereby counting for 4.921 to the salary floor while the team would only owe him about 3.5M during the buyout time frame.

There is a possible issue with this scenario though. If Pronger is bought out by his new team just for the sake of counting against the cap, the new team could face Cap Circumvention charges like the Kovalchuk contract. Because of this, the first scenario is more likely.

So, I'm sorry Paul Holmgren. This move might not be a bad one.

Pronger

I play World of Warcraft. Today, I made my newest character, Pronger.

Flyers Tweets (stick tap DTV)

So, Don't Trade Vinny did a piece on Lightning First Tweets

This got me thinking, what if some Flyers got twitter, what would they say...



@JagrBomb68: "Totally won the Jagr sweepstakes pool in Vegas. Made millions."

@FallingScott: "Fell flat on my back when I created this thing, but I'll keep trying"

@CaptElbows: "hey panotch...GUESS WHO #Winning"

@Kimmo44: "Drinking my secret Viking Warrior potion. SUOMI TIME!"

@BlairBetts: "OMG SOMEONE BOUGHT MY T-SHIRT!"

@Coburn5: "My nose is just a nose, I swear, it doesn't have superpowers"

@LatvianWolf: "HOWL! I'm pressbox wolf!"

@MeatTrainPHI: "I AM NOT JEFF CARTER!"

@LaviCakes: "Taking a 30 second tweet break to construct the best tweet ever"

@UnclePaulie: "First 25 attempts at this all failed, whats 140 limit? why is there math? I got told, there would be no math"

NHL Baby Toys

I was talking to one of the 3 intelligent Caps fans on the planet, DCcheapSeats. She told me a story of how she took her niece to a Caps practice today and got her to say "hockey!" (and like most Caps fans, her niece pointed, said hockey and had absolutely no clue as to what she was talking about.)

Luckily, she'll be properly educated by the following list of NHL Baby Toys.




The Product- Baby's First Cooke
Why Your Child Needs It- Baby's first Cooke is a safe concussion inducing product that will teach your newborn how to properly throw elbows to the head behind the net and get away with it.
But Be Warned- No one will ever want to play with baby out of fear the Baby's First Cooke will try to kill it.


The Product- Tickle Me Pronger
Why Your Child Needs It- Tickle Me Pronger is a great way for your child to have fun. Depending how you tickle it Pronger will deliver different snarky retorts.
But Be Warned- It also has a tendency to elbow your child in the head, and recent models break easily and due to the "35+ Warranty" even if it breaks, you still are obligated to pay for it for the next 5 years if you give it back. However there is a loophole in the buyer's agreement, keeping it at home with the intent to fix it, will allow you to collect a reimbursement check equal to what you paid for it in order to guarantee you can buy another toy.




The Product- Uncle Paulie's Calculator
Why Your Child Needs It- Want your baby to learn math? Uncle Paulie's Calculator is a great tool for teaching your child basic mathematics.
But Be Warned- It's success rate is kind of terrible as Uncle Paulie was told "there would be no math"



The Product- The Hartnell Scooter
Why Your Child Needs It- The Hartnell Scooter is the perfect is the perfect little scooter for your young child to zip around the neighbor in.
But Be Warned- This scooter isn't very stable and tends to make your child fall over, a lot.


The Product- The Phila-Battery
Why Your Child Needs It- This battery is specially designed to be aerodynamic but light enough for your baby to throw. It will teach your child the lovely art of battery throwing in the Philly tradition.
But Be Warned-We're not saying you're a bad parent, but next time you tell your child something he/she doesn't like, we're not responsible for any blunt force trauma to your body if they turn it on you. We're also not responsible for damaged property or injuries incurred from damaged property when using this product



The Product- Luongo's First Goalie Pads for baby
Why Your Child Needs It- If you want your child to be a goalie, Luongo's First Goalie pads are designed specfiically for babies.
But Be Warned- Presents a huge choking hazard.


The Product- Easy Bake Emery
Why Your Child Needs It-Easy Bake Emery is the perfect way for your cranky child to relax, we're not quite sure what's in it, but it sure calms people down and makes them hungry.
But Be Warned- It's illegal in the USA.

The Product- Well-done Wellwood Oven

Why Your Child Needs It- Does your child seem to enjoy cooking? If so, the Well-Done Wellwood Oven is the perfect toy to teach your child how to cook. Why, just using the basic ingredients (sold separately) you can create snacks in under 20 minutes. 

But Be Warned- It's the leading cause of childhood obesity in the world due to the fact that it's not an oven, but a deep fryer.

The Product- Gillis Mystery Detective

Why Your Child Needs It-There's a conspiracy against the Canucks, help Mike Gillis solve it by playing this   video game and beating up such villains as Captain Serious and his evil sidekick girlfriend, Chelsea Dagger.

But Be Warned- The Murdersaurus is still an unbeatable enemy as for some reason, your party of HAMhuis, Bieksa and Raffi-Runner just refuse to fight it.

The Product- Hide and Seek with Chris Neil

Why Your Child Needs It-What child doesn't want to play hide and seek?

But Be Warned- It's impossible to find Chris Neil unless you're alone and defenseless. Seriously, I had Colton Orr with me the other day and Chris Neil was just impossible to find....

The Product- The Caps-Wagon

Why Your Child Needs It-This little red wagon is perfect for pulling your baby around the neighborhood. 

But Be Warned- It's made in Russia and breaks every April.

Reasons Steven Stamkos Hasn't Signed Yet

"It's been a while Mr. Stamkos. Please sign soon." Hockey Fans Everywhere.

Anyway, the Stamkos saga is still ongoing. But luckily the DGS Super Spies know why Stamkos hasn't signed.

1. Is holding out hope Glen Sather or Paul Holmgren will overpay him on an offer sheet.
2. Is trying to trade Vinny.
3. Wants to find a dramatic chipmunk
4. Cannot sign a contract until someone finds Paul Ranger
5. Told Gary Bettman he won't sign a contract until Tampa hosts Edmonton on NBC on a Sunday.
6. Wants to play in the NHL, and doesn't get that southern teams are actually NHL teams.
7. Thought the Bolts moved to Winnipeg instead of the thrashers
8. Went across the state of Florida to save the shuttle program by one-timing astronauts into space.
9. Thought the NHL lockout started a year early so he didn't think he needed a contract
10. Stamkos can't get through the 1-3-1 to get to the contract to sign it
11. Stamkos is too tall, he can't see the contract right in front of him being held by Marty St Louis
12. Stamkos wants to get away from Crazy Rolie the Goalie who keeps telling him about "that time the Edmonton Oilers went to the Stanley Cup Finals"
13. Can't decide whether he should fear Matt Cooke, Chris Pronger, Raffi Torres or Steve Downie most and therefore doesn't know who to join.
14. Is trying to figure out where to play in order to get Mattias Ohlund and Victor Hedman to pass him the puck. (Thanks DTV)

There you have it.

Translating Bryzgalov

Why you heff to be mad? It's only game....

Oh Ilya, you think you speak a language that no one understands...but I do, see, I'm Russian, just like you.


So with that, I'm gonna share with the world, the ability to understand Bryzgalov using quotes from his interview found here at BSH.


Quote: "I am excited to join a great organization with a rich history. That was my first reaction and I expect a lot from our work together."
Meaning: "I am excited to join a rich organization with a great history of overpaying players. My first reacion was $$$$$$$$ and I expect a big bank account, small island and possibly my own rocketship from our work together."

Quote: "First of all, when I came to Philadelphia, I met Mr. [Ed] Snider, Paul Holmgren and other people in the organization. We talked to each other and they told me the philosophy of the team. I like the philosophy of the team - winning, and everything in Philadelphia. I like this philosophy and it's my philosophy too.... This is a good spot for me because I like the idea and philosophy of the team."

Meaning: MONEY, they're giving me MONEY! MONEY MONEY OH MY GOD I HAVE MORE MONEY THAN DAN ELLIS!

Quote: "Not yet, not yet. He is a great guy. He's a good person and a big physical defenseman who can score, who can move the puck. He has everything that a number one defenseman needs. He's got size, he's got skill, he has character." (He's referring to Christopher Robert Pronger)

Meaning: OH GOD! Pronger's elbows scare me!

Quote: "Under NHL rules you can be traded any day and management made decisions to make some adjustments and we just have to accept it and play it."

Meaning: I know that I'm gone after 4 or 5 years. But I'm gonna be rich!

Welcome ItsAFez66

Hey, DGS just signed ItsAFez66 to a front loaded long term contract with a full NMC for the entire duration. This means more DGS awesomeness. Here's her bio-

Guest Blogger Person: ItsAFez66 (whose real name may or may not start with one of the following letters: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ)

Age: 21 (Oh hi there, ability to legally buy alcohol.)

Home: NJ (AKA South Jersey, the better part of NJ)

Favorite Current Flyer: BOB! (I have a goldfishie named after him!) And Pronger.

Favorite All-Time Flyer: Lappy Lappy Lappy HEY! (Ian Laperriere = Badassery on skates)

Favorite Sport that isn't hockey: Figure Skating, and Gymnastics too.

Random Fact: Evgeni Malkin is ugly. 

The Jaromir Jagr-Chris Pronger Transcript

Many people were shocked by the Flyers signing Jaromir Jagr last week. In fact, we all thought he would sign with the Penguins, Habs, or Red Wings, but then were surprised when in fact, Paul Holmgren inked Jagr. Later on in the day, it was revealed that Chris Pronger made a phone call to Mr. Jagr. Luckily the DGS Super Spies were able to snag a transcript of that call. Here it is, for you.

He's watching you, ready to trade you
as soon as you sign a long
term contract with a future NMC

Jagr- Dobré odpoledne. Já jsem Jaromír Jagr.

Pronger- Jaromir? This is Chris Pronger. We need to chat.

Jagr- Oh, Mr. Pronger, Lord of the Elbows.

Pronger- That's me!

Jagr- Why you call here?

Pronger- We need to talk.

Jagr- About?

Pronger- Who do you plan on signing with?

Jagr- The Penguins of course.

Pronger- Now why would you do that?

Pronger- We need to talk.

Jagr- Why?

Pronger- Because I don't like the Penguins

Jagr- But you're not playing for the Penguins, I am. What's the big deal?

Pronger- I don't like the Penguins.

Jagr- I don't see how this affects me, however.

Pronger- Do you remember my elbows? 

Jagr- Yes.

Pronger- What do my elbows do?

Jagr- Give people concussions. Break jaws. Injure people.

Pronger- Do you see where this is going? The cold Siberian winters haven't frozen your brain now have they.

Jagr- If I sign with Pittsburgh, you're going to elbow me, aren't you?

Pronger- 6 games, 3 periods, we each should have 10-12 shifts a game against each other. So, assume 20-24 elbows per game. 

Jagr- I shall sign with Philly, but there's no cap space. 

Pronger- Like cap space is a problem. Holmgren can't do math. Fleece him like I did. I have a 35+ contract worth nearly 5M per season. It runs until I'm 43.

Jagr- I shall call Holmgren now. Thank you, Mr. Pronger.

Weddings and Fun

Yesterday DGS attended a cousin's wedding, needless to say, Family Goes Spezza started asking me about when I was getting married and it got me thinking, what's it like to compare hockey and a wedding.


Wedding: A bunch of people attend an event where 2 people come together, say, "I do" and hopefully live happily ever after.
Hockey: A bunch of people attend an event where 2 people come together, say, "I do" and then proceed to punch each other repeatedly in the face before sitting apart for 5 minutes.

Wedding: Some marriages are just made in heaven and you know there's perfect chemistry between the couple.
Hockey: Some lines are just made via amazing trades and the draft and you know there's perfect twin magic between the Sedins.

Wedding: When something goes wrong, there's a detailed court system in place to sort it out.
Hockey: When something goes wrong, there's a Wheel of Justice and a Flowchart.

Wedding: Feigning illness or injury in order to either gain sympathy or avoid doing something for your spouse is a common technique that is only used after years of marriage.
Hockey: Feigning illness or injury to gain sympathy from referees is a constant event for players on the Vancouver Canucks.

Wedding: Meddling Mothers-In-Law tend to break apart marriages through possible conspiracies.
Hockey: Before June 2011, The NHL conspired against the 29 teams that did NOT employ one Greg Campbell.

Wedding: Brides with a checkered history still wear white to hide their past indiscretions.
Hockey: Sean Avery isn't afraid to let people know who has picked up sloppy seconds.

Wedding: Evil, impossible to satisfy brides who are always taking heads off are known as Bride-zilla
Hockey: Matt Cooke.

Wedding: Some people choose to "elope" or get married quietly without much fanfare with the only proof of marriage being a marriage certificate
Hockey: The Phoenix Coyotes played the Columbus Blue Jackets 4 times this season, allegedly.

Wedding: A good best man will deliver a toast that doesn't involve the phrases, "down in Tijuana" "while we were on spring break" or other unsavory stories, but if it happens, the groom just has to suck it up and deal with it and hope his marriage doesn't end before it begins.
Hockey: Taunting is now punishable because it hurts feelings. This is because last year, Chris Pronger was day-to-day with hurt feelings.

Other Things NHL Players Have Forgotten

So, earlier this weekend Flyers Captain Michael Richards tweeted about forgetting to pay his cable bill

Oh Richie, were you also expecting a phone call
informing you that the 2nd round of the playoffs
had started as well?

Well, honestly Mr. Richards isn't the only person in the NHL to forget something, as a matter of fact, many NHL players and personalities have been known to forget things, and here at DGS, we have the list.



Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten how to do basic math and has given the Flyers cap problems for at least the next 5 years.

Dan Ellis: Has claimed that he "forgot" to pay his ESCROW.

Nick Lidstrom: Is so old that he has in fact, forgotten to retire.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten the rules of the CBA pertaining to 35+ contracts and gave Pronger 7 years and a cap hit of 4.921.

The Toronto Maple Leafs: Have forgotten what the playoffs are.

Joe Thornton: Has apparently forgotten that he is playing in the playoffs right now.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten, like his predecessor, what "goaltending" is.

Kyle Wellwood: Forgets to stick to his diet.

Evgeni Nabokov: Forgot that the Islanders do NOT yet have a new arena and ended up lost on Long Island because he absolutely thought that there was no way an NHL team would ever play in the Nassau Coliseum.

Michael Leighton: Has forgotten how to close his 5-hole.

Paul Holmgren: Forgot that Michael Leighton doesn't know how to close his 5 hole and therefore gave him a 1.55 cap hit.

Chris Pronger: Would like to forget this year from hell.

Scott Hartnell and Kris Versteeg: Have both forgotten how to skate which led to the fun of Hartnell Down and Versteeg Down counts.

Jonathan Toews: Has forgotten how to blink, show emotion, and display normal.

The Boston Bruins: Have forgotten that it's perfectly OK to score when you're up a man.

Paul Holmgren: Has forgotten what a draft pick is due to the fact that the Flyers haven't had one in forever.

Roberto Luongo, and many of the Vancouver Canucks: Have forgotten the difference between a diving pool and an ice rink.

Matt Cooke: Will most likely soon forget the lesson he learned from his 17 game suspension for a headshot and will end up elbowing Gregory Campbell in the head early next season.

Gary Bettman: Has obviously forgotten that he doesn't work for the NBA anymore.

Patrick Kane: Has forgotten what it's like to be sober

The Flyers Entire Defensive Corps: Randomly forgets how to play defense leaving Brian Boucher alone against Zdeno Chara slap shots.

Daniel Carcillo: Forgot that some things, like questions involving sexual turn ons, are probably better left to realm of a "DM" on Twitter.

Ilya Bryzgalov: Forgot that the playoffs actually count.

Other NHL Sex Related Scandals

So earlier today Daniel Carcillo tweeted the following:

@OG_CarBomb13: "@BizNasty2point0 weigh in on this. When a girl leans back while fingers r in her and says "my dad would b so proud of me"..turn on or no??"

Needless to say he followed up with an apology and then a tweet about going

@OG_CarBomb13: "Goin' commando in N.Y. Feeling so free!"

Now, Daniel Carcillo isn't the first NHL player to have a problem with sexist comments as a matter of fact the NHL is littered with tons of sex issues, here's some of the lowlights.

• December 2008: Sean Avery makes a comment about sloppy seconds. Later in 2010, after a long steady diet of lithium and anti-psychotics, he vows to stand by any gay NHL player who wants to come out of the closet
  
  
• September 2005: Soon after the NHL lockout ends, fans all across the NHL begin questioning the sexuality of one Sidney Crosby.
  
  
• October 2010: James Wisniewski tells Sean Avery to "blow me" marking Wis as being the first NHL player to tell Avery something everyone has wanted to do for years.
  
  
• May 2011: A woman takes a picture of a sleeping Patrick Kane and his boarding pass, come to think of it, why hasn't this happened more often? Also, in a more important question, how did Pat Kane think he was getting to the airport since I'm pretty sure no cabbie would drive him anymore?
  
  
• January 2010: Patrick Kane is photographed shirtless in the back of a limo. The obvious question here is 'does Pat Kane treat limo drivers like he does cabbies?' The second question, "When was Patrick Kane last sober?"
  
  
• June 2008: During the month of June 2008, Brian Rolston discovered a sex-tape of Devils GM Lou Lamoriello, because quite honestly, this is the only explanation for a contract that terrible.
  
  
• July 1996: Todd Bertuzzi gets married, marking the first time a human being has ever married an slimy invertebrate.
  
  
• December 2009: Jeff Carter texts teammate Scott Hartnell that he's going out shopping with wife Lisa for some new outfits so he can look good while picking up women, talk about a text that totally got interpreted wrong.
  
  
• Sometime in say 2004 to present: DGS was accused of kissing girls; and he liked it...something involving the taste of her cherry chapstick
  
  
• Sometime in 2003: Martin Brodeur engages in an affair with his wife's brother's wife. All in all, this makes Chris Pronger look far less slimy.
  
• Since 2001: Pregnancies in Detroit have been increasing exponentially due to the fact that Pavel Datsyuk can impregnate women with dekes.
  
• May 2009: BizNasty graduated with his degree in "Panty Soup." Enough said.
  
• Since 2002: Pierre McGuire has creeped out NHL-ers everywhere by calling games. 

(Editor's Note: RIP Derek Boogaard, you will be missed. 28 is too young for anyone to go.)

Hartnell Down or Versteeg Down- The Final Numbers

Hartnell Down ended at 330, over 90 games, meaning he fell 3.3 times a game, or 1.1 times a period.




Other things involving 3.3 in the NHL:

-The average amount of goals per period allowed through the 5-hole of Michael Leighton

-Number (in millions of US Dollars) Glen Sather will overpay for a player.

-Amount of times Pierre McGuire says "leadership" per sentence when talking about MIKE "OMG LEADERSHIP!!1111!1!11!" Richards

-Amount of times, per shift, Jeff Carter shoots high and wide

-Amount of dives Robert Luongo takes per period

-Amount of headshots Matt Cooke gave me while I wrote this post

-Amount of goalie changes Peter Laviolette makes per post season game.

-Amount of healthy players the Flyers had left for game 4 against Boston.

-Amount of time, in seconds, Nikolay Zherdev gave a crap about defense during the entire regular season

-Amount of time, in seconds, Nikolay Zherdev was lazy during the post-season






Versteeg Down (18 for round 2; 26 for round 1 for a playoff total of 44)

44 by numbers:

-The number worn by Kimmo Timonen; the Finnish God of Defense

-The amount of time, in minutes, that Chris Pronger was fully healthy during playoffs

-The amount of shots, needed to score 45 goals, on the Flyers goaltending this year

-Amount of time, in years, before Paul Holmgren decides that goaltending is important

-Amount of headshots occurring per period in every NHL playoff game...if you trust people's reactions via Twitter

-Amount of time, in hours, Sean Avery can go without saying something stupid

-Amount of time, in seconds, it will take Glen Sather to overpay for a free agent on July 1

-Amount of new rumors, per day, linking big name UFA's Brad Richards and Christian Ehrhoff to the Toronto Maple Leafs

-Amount of rumors, per hour, claiming Tampa Bay is going to trade their captain, Vincent Lecavalier.

-Measure, in inches, of Tim Thomas's waist

-Amount of PIMs Chris Pronger had in 2010-11.

-Amount of elbows to head Chris Pronger throws per game

The Flyers 2011-12 Roster...what will change from now (Goalie+D edition)

Goalies:
Brian Boucher: 2012 contract UFA- gone, bye-bye, see ya…no need for Boosh now.

Johan Backlund: 2012 contract 800K, 1way- he should clear waivers again and be the AHL starter, if not, the claiming team is on the hook for his WHOLE salary

Michael Leighton: 2012 contract 1.55M, 1way- Michael Leighton waiver-saver is now Michael Leighton which is English for Roman Cechmanek. He’s gonna be in the AHL unless the Flyers are lucky enough to sucker someone into trading for him.

Sergei Bobrovsky: 2012 contract 1.75M cap hit, 2-way, waiver exempt- Bob’s the 1-A goalie next year…expect him to start 30-35 games if the Flyers get a solid vet to pair him with or 50-55 if the Bob-Leighton show is in effect

Defenseman:

Kimmo Timonen: 2012 contract 6.33M cap hit 1 way- If Kimmo retires, his cap hit goes away. If he stays, he’s probably going to have some offseason surgery to clean up any of the nagging problems. Hope he’s ready to go come September.

Braydon Coburn: 2012 contract 3.2M cap hit 1way- He’s going to back. One of the 2 most solid Flyers D-men this year, and he’s got a reasonable cap hit. This means he’s good to stay. Also, see below.

Matt Carle: 2012 contract 3.437M cap hit 1way- Here’s the guy who I think gets moved. His amazing regular season will be overshadowed by his playoff implosion. The regular season will be the selling point in trade negotiations. The buyer, in my opinion will be Vancouver. The Canucks need to replace the UFA Christian Ehrhoff who’s going to get a massive pay day on July 1. Matt Carle is a similar player, less talented, but also comes at half the cost. Carle to Vancouver for picks or Carle+2012 picks for Cory Schneider is possible.

Andrej Meszaros: 2012 contract 4.0M cap hit 1 way- The Flyers best D-man this season. Played solidly in the playoffs. Next year though, he is not going to be coddled at the number 5 slot. He’s gotta play big minutes because at 36/37, Pronger and Timonen are slowing down.

Chris Pronger: 2012 contract 4.921M cap hit 1 way, 35+- Pronger is on the books no matter what. He may however, spend time on LTIR for the first half of the season. He apparently has the same back problem Leighton had last year. So once again, this team needs to win without Pronger.

Sean O’Donnell: 2012 contract UFA- he’s 39 and was a pylon. Number 6 D-men can be replaced. If SOD wants to come back at say, 750K, it’s a good deal. If not, Gustafsson, Walker or another UFA can fill this role.

Oskars Bartulis: 2012 contract 600k cap hit 1 way: He’s back, the 7th D-man again

Matt Walker: 2012 contract 1.7M cap hit 1 way: He’s the SOD next season. If he stays healthy. If not, waive him and use the cap space to grab another player.


The forwards will come up Sunday. Feel free to ask questions.

The Pronger Prayer

Thy Holy Leader:
Christopher Robert Pronger

As we all know, I find myself frequently attending the Cult Religion of the Most Snarky Holy Lord of Elbows, Christopher Robert Pronger. Well, in what I hope because a series, Lord Pronger has taught us how to properly pray.

(Editor's Note: OK, seriously now, we're not trying to offend anyone who is religious. It's a joke, this is a comedy blog. If you haven't figured this out yet, you're probably a Mets (well shit, can't use that joke now...) Washington Nationals fan. Or someone who thinks Mike Milbury is intelligent, in which case, there's no hope for you anyway.)

Our Pronger

Our Pronger, who throws the Elbows

Hollowed be their brains

The Elbows come

The slapshots zoom

On the PP as on even Strength

Give us today, our daily snark

And forgive us for stealing pucks

As they forgive you for stealing pucks against them

And lead us not to the golf course

But deliver us to Stanley Cups

Amen

The Flyers Dictionary Translated

Many people were annoyed by the Chris Pronger injury situation. The Flyers kept announcing him as day-to-day (possibly with hurt feelings) and people didn't really understand why Chris Pronger missed so much time. Now, see the Paul Holmgren and the Flyers speak their own version of the English language. Luckily, the DGS-SuperSpies found the code to deciphering it. For your benefit as a Flyers fan, we're including some key terms here with their "Normal English" meanings


When the Flyers Organization Says: A player is day to day with a wrist injury
They Actually Intend to Say: OH DEAR GOD! His arm..blown away...it's gonna be amputated

When the Flyers Organization Says: We like that he (Zherdev) tried to give some effort.
They Actually Intend to Say: Nikolay Zherdev is still a useless piece of crap.

When the Flyers Organization Says: Our goaltending is good enough to win.
They Actually Intend to Say: Our goaltending is good enough to win, provided we don't screw up anywhere else because the goalies aren't bailing us out of anything.

When the Flyers Organization Says: Andreas Nodl is day to day with an upper body injury.
They Actually Intend to Say: He's missing half his face, he looks like some sort of Batman villain right now.

When the Flyers Organization Says: We haven't named a starting goalie.

They Actually Intend to Say: We don't have a starting goalie.

When the Flyers Organization Says: You just never know. You just need to keep your options open and keep a dialogue going with other teams, and you never know what can come up.
They Actually Intend to Say: DAMMIT! If a real true #1 goalie hit waivers, we are SO claiming him.

When the Flyers Organization Says: Typically you need your specialty teams to be effective in order to move on.
They Actually Intend to Say: But then team's like the Boston Bruins got out of the first round.

When the Flyers Organization Says: We're testing for a possible concussion.

They Actually Intend to Say: Matt Cooke decapitated our player, what else is new?

When the Flyers Organization Says: The injury update is pending further tests.

They Actually Intend to Say: Look he's dead, OK, stop asking. Funeral arrangements will come out tomorrow.

When the Flyers Organization Says: He's day to day.

They Actually Intend to Say: He's touch and go on life support in the ICU. No one's allowed to visit

When the Flyers Organization Says: We're always looking to improve the team.

They Actually Intend to Say: We're gonna add scorers and defense, but never a goalie.

When the Flyers Organization Says: We're looking forward to the draft.

They Actually Intend to Say: It's a great day for golf because we have no picks.

When the Flyers Organization Says: Michael Leighton is available to us.

They Actually Intend to Say: He's lost his god damn mind and he's in the facility, but in a padded room.

Missing: The Flyers Power Play Unit

The Down Goes Spezza Super Spies have been busy recently. You know, doing stuff. In this case, they uncovered a list of things the Flyers are up to instead of scoring on the power play.

• Talking about things like complex physics and atomic level chemistry
  
  
• #Winning with Charlie Sheen
  
• Making a get well card for injured defenseman like Chris Pronger, Oskars Bartulis, and Nick Boynton
  
• Wondering why it's so hard to score on goalies since the team only gets to practice on Michael Leighton, Brian Boucher, Sergei Bobrovsky and Johan Backlund.
  
• Debating DOOP and Bro Hymn
  
• Missing Steve Whyno
  
• Answering questions from DamoPunk
  
• Trying to find a goalie
  
• Perfecting a Criss Angel like disappearing act
  
• Doing their best "Playoff Joe Thornton" impression.
  
• Not being classless by scoring when up a man.