Fan vs Fan

Saturday, July 16, 2011

NHL Baby Toys

I was talking to one of the 3 intelligent Caps fans on the planet, DCcheapSeats. She told me a story of how she took her niece to a Caps practice today and got her to say "hockey!" (and like most Caps fans, her niece pointed, said hockey and had absolutely no clue as to what she was talking about.)

Luckily, she'll be properly educated by the following list of NHL Baby Toys.

The Product- Baby's First Cooke
Why Your Child Needs It- Baby's first Cooke is a safe concussion inducing product that will teach your newborn how to properly throw elbows to the head behind the net and get away with it.
But Be Warned- No one will ever want to play with baby out of fear the Baby's First Cooke will try to kill it.

The Product- Tickle Me Pronger
Why Your Child Needs It- Tickle Me Pronger is a great way for your child to have fun. Depending how you tickle it Pronger will deliver different snarky retorts.
But Be Warned- It also has a tendency to elbow your child in the head, and recent models break easily and due to the "35+ Warranty" even if it breaks, you still are obligated to pay for it for the next 5 years if you give it back. However there is a loophole in the buyer's agreement, keeping it at home with the intent to fix it, will allow you to collect a reimbursement check equal to what you paid for it in order to guarantee you can buy another toy.

The Product- Uncle Paulie's Calculator
Why Your Child Needs It- Want your baby to learn math? Uncle Paulie's Calculator is a great tool for teaching your child basic mathematics.
But Be Warned- It's success rate is kind of terrible as Uncle Paulie was told "there would be no math"

The Product- The Hartnell Scooter
Why Your Child Needs It- The Hartnell Scooter is the perfect is the perfect little scooter for your young child to zip around the neighbor in.
But Be Warned- This scooter isn't very stable and tends to make your child fall over, a lot.

The Product- The Phila-Battery
Why Your Child Needs It- This battery is specially designed to be aerodynamic but light enough for your baby to throw. It will teach your child the lovely art of battery throwing in the Philly tradition.
But Be Warned-We're not saying you're a bad parent, but next time you tell your child something he/she doesn't like, we're not responsible for any blunt force trauma to your body if they turn it on you. We're also not responsible for damaged property or injuries incurred from damaged property when using this product

The Product- Luongo's First Goalie Pads for baby
Why Your Child Needs It- If you want your child to be a goalie, Luongo's First Goalie pads are designed specfiically for babies.
But Be Warned- Presents a huge choking hazard.

The Product- Easy Bake Emery
Why Your Child Needs It-Easy Bake Emery is the perfect way for your cranky child to relax, we're not quite sure what's in it, but it sure calms people down and makes them hungry.
But Be Warned- It's illegal in the USA.

The Product- Well-done Wellwood Oven
Why Your Child Needs It- Does your child seem to enjoy cooking? If so, the Well-Done Wellwood Oven is the perfect toy to teach your child how to cook. Why, just using the basic ingredients (sold separately) you can create snacks in under 20 minutes. 
But Be Warned- It's the leading cause of childhood obesity in the world due to the fact that it's not an oven, but a deep fryer.

The Product- Gillis Mystery Detective
Why Your Child Needs It-There's a conspiracy against the Canucks, help Mike Gillis solve it by playing this   video game and beating up such villains as Captain Serious and his evil sidekick girlfriend, Chelsea Dagger.
But Be Warned- The Murdersaurus is still an unbeatable enemy as for some reason, your party of HAMhuis, Bieksa and Raffi-Runner just refuse to fight it.

The Product- Hide and Seek with Chris Neil
Why Your Child Needs It-What child doesn't want to play hide and seek?
But Be Warned- It's impossible to find Chris Neil unless you're alone and defenseless. Seriously, I had Colton Orr with me the other day and Chris Neil was just impossible to find....

The Product- The Caps-Wagon
Why Your Child Needs It-This little red wagon is perfect for pulling your baby around the neighborhood. 
But Be Warned- It's made in Russia and breaks every April.


  1. CHRIS NEIL IS AWESOME. Maybe if Colton Orr didnt have his head in you know where he'd actually challenge Neil instead of going with the guy he's "used to" beating. Leafs are a joke.

    The rest of the article is great though *clap clap*

  2. hahaha, oh your warnings are priceless.

  3. I'm glad you posted that list. Whenever I buy such toys I always consider the warranty. I know that these products are of good quality, but still it's a good thing if they have warranty.

    toy stores