Previewing the Second Round Matchups

Just like we did for the first round, it's time to preview the other playoff series that don't involve the Flyers. So here we go.

-Western Conference-

#5 Nashville vs #1 Vancouver

How They Got Here: Nashville shot and killed a Duck, Vancouver tossed a Monkey off their back.
What to look for: Will Shea Weber's beard destroy Roberto Luongo?
Who moves on: The Predators


#2 San Jose vs #3 Detroit

How They Got Here: San Jose committed regicide, the Red Wings put some whiteout on the Coyotes

What to look for: Will Joe Thornton realize it's May BEFORE senility sets in on the Red Wings?

Who moves on: Kyle Wellwood disposes of the octopus by making calamari and eating: Sharks move on again.

-Eastern Conference-

#1 Washington vs #5 Tampa Bay

How They Got Here: Washington defeated the Rangers, TBL eliminated the PenGOONs

What to look for: How many of DTV's ideas come true?

Who moves on: Gotta say WSH because TBL will pay for the injustice of keeping Crosby out of the NHL for 9 months?

The Flyers preview will come Saturday

Missing: The Flyers Power Play Unit

The Down Goes Spezza Super Spies have been busy recently. You know, doing stuff. In this case, they uncovered a list of things the Flyers are up to instead of scoring on the power play.

• Talking about things like complex physics and atomic level chemistry
  
  
• #Winning with Charlie Sheen
  
• Making a get well card for injured defenseman like Chris Pronger, Oskars Bartulis, and Nick Boynton
  
• Wondering why it's so hard to score on goalies since the team only gets to practice on Michael Leighton, Brian Boucher, Sergei Bobrovsky and Johan Backlund.
  
• Debating DOOP and Bro Hymn
  
• Missing Steve Whyno
  
• Answering questions from DamoPunk
  
• Trying to find a goalie
  
• Perfecting a Criss Angel like disappearing act
  
• Doing their best "Playoff Joe Thornton" impression.
  
• Not being classless by scoring when up a man.

DGS's NHL 11 Sims the Playoffs

Pretty self explanatory, I simmed the playoffs on my NHL 11 game complete with updated rosters and such. Anyway, here's the results for anyone who's curious.

-Western Conference First Round-

#8 Chicago defeats #1 Vancouver in 6 games- Obviously because even an electronic version of Roberto Luongo fears Chelsea Dagger.

#2 San Jose defeats #7 Los Angeles in 7 games- I guess, this is actually fairly accurate. I can see it happening. Also, in the game, after losing game 1 4-1 and going down 5-0 at the end of period 1 in game 2, Antti Niemi gave way to Antero Niittymaki who would win the series and hold onto the starting role.

#6 Phoenix defeats #3 Detroit in 4 games- Apparently the snakes scared the Red Wing into deciding that maybe they should retire south for the summer.

#5 Nashville defeats #4 Anaheim in 4 games- Well the only explanation here (and proved by the 7 goals he had) is that Dan Ellis was afraid to stop Shea Weber's slapshot. (Honestly, I don't blame him).

-Eastern Conference First Round-

#8 New York Rangers defeat #1 Washington in 6 games- In related news, water's still wet, Hell's still hot, Pronger's still snarky, and the Caps can't win playoff series against anyone.

#2 Philadelphia defeats #7 Buffalo in 6 games- I kept Chris Pronger out for this series, the Flyers still won as in 6 games Danny Briere had 10 points (2G-8A) and Mike Richards had 12 points (6G, 6A) and Jeff Carter had 9 goals. No, we don't know how many times Jeff Carter scored on Lisa Hartnell, the game doesn't track that.

#6 Montreal defeats #3 Boston in 4 games- Obviously because the Montreal police arrested the entire Bruins roster before the game, also, during Game 1, Tim Thomas suffered a "broken elbow" and was out 6-8 weeks forcing Tuukka Rask into net. Take that as you will. Also of note, Boston only scored 3 goals the entire season. Greg Campbell was a -6 (worst on the team) and Montreal won every game by 1 goal with Price tossing 2 SOs.

#4 Pittsburgh defeated #5 Tampa in 6 games- Even without Matt Cooke's head shots, the Lightning beat themselves because well, they failed to scout the ECHL scrubs who have been called up by Pittsburgh this season.

-Western Conference Second Round-

#2 San Jose defeats #8 Chicago in 4 games- Chicago, having completed their divine mission, rolls over to San Jose because the Sharks apparently don't choke in May in the video game realm.

#5 Nashville defeats #6 Phoenix in 6 games- another low scoring series, another series where Shea Weber scores a lot. 4 more goals in 6 games for him. Weber's now my Conn Smythe favourite at this point with 11G and 5A in 10 games.

-Eastern Conference Second Round-

#2 Philadelphia defeats #8 New York Rangers in 7 games- King Henrik records 2 Shutouts, which is 2 more than the entire Philadelphia team from October-present. Bobrovsky however never gives up more than 2 goals per game. Also, Marion Gaborik is injured with a "broken jaw" in game 1, causing him miss games 2-7...DAMMIT PRONGER!

#6 Montreal defeats #4 Pittsburgh in 4 games- Obviously the Habs are in Marc Andre Fleury's head. Or on them, or something. Also this series featured both PK Subban and Matt Cooke each racking up 60+ PIMs in this series alone. Hopefully, this happens in real life

-Conference Finals-

West: San Jose defeats Nashville in 7 games- Shea Weber loses his power, apparently Jumbo Joe is now the "cool guy" on the block. I know, hard to believe

East: Philadelphia defeats Montreal in 4 games- Montreal implodes, the team AND the city.

-Cup Finals-

The Philadelphia Flyers defeat the San Jose Sharks in 7 games with breakdowns as follows:

1. SJS 3 @ PHL 4 in 2OTs: Jeff Carter scores in OT unassisted to win it.
2. SJS 5 @ PHL 1: Joe Thornton nets a hat-trick, it's bizarro world...
3. PHL 2 @ SJS 3: Thornton nets a GWG in the third period, oddness continues.
4. PHL 0 @ SJS 1:  Joe Pavelski from Thornton-Marleau on the PP sinks the Flyers, Niity posts a 33 save shutout. Nitty Finals shutouts 1, Flyers Shutouts dating back 1 calendar year-0
5. SJS 2 @ PHL 9: Jeff Carter, Scott Hartnell and Chris Pronger each have hat tricks to pace the Flyers easily.
6. PHL 3 @ SJS 1: Joe Thornton ruins the shutout at 18:55 of Period 3, DAMMIT! But Meszaros has 3 helpers to keep the Flyers going.
7. SJS 4 @ PHL 5: The FLYERS WIN THE STANLEY CUP! Shutout Free!!

Conn Smythe Winner: Jeff Carter: 16 G 14 A in 24 games...clutch

Power Outage: Reasons the Flyers PP Has Dried Up

It's almost finals week so I'm kinda dead, but that being said, the DGS investigators found us some reasons why the Flyers Powerplay has been powered down.

• When told to mimic dynamic scorers and smooth skaters, they chose Ilya Kovalchuk and Phil Kessell
  
  
• It was eaten by Kyle Wellwood
  
  
• Forwards are too afraid to screen the goalie because of the "Avery Rule"
  
  
• Started feeling bad for embarrassing teams with so many games where they score more than 5 as a team.
  
• Misunderstood Power Play strategy for "Joe Thornton Playoff Strategy"
  
• Wanted to be just like me in NHL 11 on the PP. (No seriously, it's sad)
  
• Didn't realize that scoring while up a man is NOT an example of poor sportsmanship
  
• Sent the PP skill in search of Paul Ranger
  
• Maybe missing a certain forward who found a new home in Tampa...just sayin

Hockey versus Nerd Memes

So the other day I nearly got myself sued by Down Goes Brown wrote a post on Hockey Versus Baseball and it was actually quiet popular. That got me thinking, what else do I like, and the answer is video games and nerdyness. So I decided to compare my love of video games, to the greatest game ever made, hockey. My results were interesting.

The Meme: You Just Lost The Game

Patrik Stefan would hold this sign when shooting at
empty nets against the Edmonton Oilers

Nerd's Definition: 

1. Everyone in the world is playing The Game. (Sometimes narrowed to: "Everybody in the world who knows about The Game is playing The Game",  or alternatively, "You are always playing The Game.") You cannot not play The Game; it does not require consent to play and you can never stop playing.
2. Whenever one thinks about The Game, one loses.
3. Losses must be announced to at least one person (either by using a statement such as "I Lost The Game" or by alternative means). 

(Source: Wikipedia)

Hockey Definition: "You just lost the game" was the phrase most heard by Marty Turco during the 2009-10 season when opponents would see what kind of defense was in front of him. (YES I AM LAYING OFF TOSKALA AND THE MAPLE LEAFS FOR A CHANGE!)

The Meme: LEEROY JENKINS!!!

Nerd's Definition: Example of World of Warcraft strategy gone horribly wrong.

Hockey Definition: What Matt Carkner yells before running up to fight Colton Orr.

The Meme: All Your Base Are Belong To Us








Nerd's Definition: A horribly translated version of Zero Wing.


Hockey Definition: Translating the broken English to normal English is how Eric Lindros's nurses are taught to understand what Eric wants since his brains are more scrambled than the eggs I had for breakfast this morning. 









The Meme: The Russian Reversal

Nerd's Definition: The evil strategy the bloody Commies use to win every single argument.


Hockey Definition: The phenomena by which Alex Semin and Ilya Kovalchuk go from being a 90+pt players during the regular season to Thornton level in the postseason.

In Soviet Russia, post-season play YOU!!!!

The Meme: The Cake is a Lie

Nerd's Definition: A reference to the game of Portal, this refers to the fact that you are promised delicious cake for beating the game, only to find out the promiser of cake is a homicidal robot that is out to kill you. Then this song plays.

Hockey Definition: Kyle Wellwood's worst nightmare.






Oh damn, didn't Bloge Salming already do this...sort of...kinda


He did:

Crap

NHL 2010-2011 Season Preview: General NHL Stuff

Hey everyone. Just so you know starting tomorrow (September 2) and going every other day through September 12, I will be posting the Official DGS 2010-2011 Season Previews, we will be doing one division a day. At the end of this all, I'll post a recap that has links to all 6 posts and lists all 30 teams on one page (That will go up September 13).

In order to whet your appetite for the upcoming posts of awesomeness, I have a list of generalized NHL predictions here for you to see.

• Kerry Fraser may be retired, but the NHL has hired a new referee who is legally blind in order to prove that the disabled can have successful careers.
• Gary Bettman is still stupid. (I call this, "playing it safe")
• Stephane Auger will screw with all of us by calling a game perfectly down the middle.
• Kyle Wellwood will eat his way onto a team.
• Antti Niemi will remain unemployed until he gives up his contract demand of "not having another NHL caliber goaltender on the roster" is met.
• Rick DiPietro will end up on LTIR. (Playing it safe again am I)
• Pierre McGuire will move to Massachusetts and marry his 'Monster' Zdeno Chara
• Once Edmonton has its first cold snap in December, Taylor Hall will demand a trade out of Edmonton
• Joe Thornton will lead the Sharks with clutch play during the regular season and post-season before finally giving out during the Finals and saying "What, you think I changed at all"
• The Phoenix Coyotes will find their way back to Winnipeg

Sunday Brunch: A Discussion of Hilariously Hypothetical Things Related to the NHL, part 1

Ok, so I am trying to star another possible recurring series here, I have my Tuesday morning coffee breaks as we know, but here's another one that's a little more reader interactive, every so often, on a random Sunday, I'm gonna toss out a discussion question related to a scenario that will probably never happen in the NHL, then I'm gonna ask you, the DGS loyal readers, to come up with a witty clever answer to whatever comes out of my mind. Now there's a good chance I'll run out of ideas and this will never get past the top 3 ideas that the DGS staff already has, but hey, once the season starts, I'm fairly certain that this will pick up again.

So here we go.

It's game 7 of the finals, triple overtime, after trade deadline savior Miikka Kiprusoff goes down to injury, Vesa Toskala is forced between the pipes for the Flyers. On the Sharks end, Joe Thornton is awarded a penalty shot. What happens next?

Things Ryan Parent Could Have Been Traded For

Ok DGS back today, with a post from the Real DGS, rather than Amy, who was filling in for me while I was under the weather.

It seems that the Nashville Predators overpaid a bit for Ryan Parent. I mean, talent-wise Dan Hamhuis is far and away above what Parent is, Hamhuis could be a future top d-man on a team, Parent, if he stays healthy and plays to the top of his potential, could be a #3/#4 D-man who sees PK duty.

Parent's kinda useless, sure he's an decent PK guy, but his even strength numbers are kinda scary bad. Also, he handles the puck with the same skill, poise and dexterity as Sean Avery handles words and maturity.

Parent also is shaping up to rival Rick DiPietro for the most injury plagued career. For any NY Yankees fans out there, think about the $39,950,000 mistake called Carl Pavano.

But enough with that, should the Predators attempt to move Ryan Parent, I have a list of things that would be fair compensation.

• A bag of pucks
• Any NJ Devils backup goaltender (only thing in hockey that sees less ice time than Parent)
  
• Vesa Toskala
• Anyone half as good as Alex Daigle
• A spare water bottle
• Anyone JFJ thinks is good
• Joe Thornton Playoff Edition
• Michael Leighton, Road Stanley Cup Finals Edition
• Lee Stempniak: Maple Leafs Edition
• Andrew Raycroft
  

Where in the world is Dustin Byfuglien?

So I was reading some Puck Daddy earlier and I noticed that he said that Dustin Byfuglien is the "proud new owner of a t-shirt that reads 'Property of Chris Pronger'". Which, for anyone who's watched this series so far, has been kind of true. Pronger has completely nullified Byfuglien's effectiveness in the offensive zone. Earlier today though, I saw something more shocking, a missing person's report asking for the safe return of Byfuglien. This got me thinking, where in the world is Dustin Byfuglien. Well, Down Goes Spezza called the DGS SuperSpies together and we sat down, got some coffee, played some World of Warcraft and then came up with possibilities of where Dustin could have gone. Now, our list is possibly incomplete and therefore if you know where Byfuglien is, please inform us.






Option 1: Dustin Byfuglien caught Hossa Syndrome and is therefore completely useless in the Stanley Cup Finals

Likelihood: Moderate, time will tell if Byfuglien is the new Hossa.

Final Verdict: Possible, we need to see how Byfuglien plays in Toronto next year when, in order to free up cap space, the Hawks send Byfuglien to the Leafs for a century's worth of first round Draft Picks




Option 2: After closing out the Sharks, Byfuglien decided to do something nice and let Joe Thornton suit up for the Hawks in his place

Likelihood: Very Likely, this Byfuglien impostor has been about as useful as Jumbo Joe is during the playoffs.

Final Verdict: I have yet to see a distinct choking motion, and after having watched McNabb play for the Eagles, I know what those look like.




Option 3: Byfuglien is too busy running BP and trying to stop the Gulf Oil Spill

Likelihood: Miniscule, because quite honestly nothings working on either side here.

Final Verdict: Is Chris Pronger keeping the cap from working? If so, then we found Byfuglien



Option 4: Pierre McGuire creeped out Byfuglien causing Byfuglien to pay more attention to McGuire than the game.

Likelihood: Honestly, who hasn't McGuire creeped out.

Final Verdict: McGuire is creepy....

Other things Chris Pronger has Stolen

At the end of Games 1, 2 and 4, Chris Pronger walked off with the game pucks from the ice. He supposedly tossed 2 of them in the garbage. What many people don't realize is that Chris Pronger actually has had a habit of stealing things for a long time. In fact, we here at Down Goes Spezza scored the list of items Chris Pronger has stolen, credit the primary assist to Don't Trade Vinny for this one.

• Dustin Byfuglien: Pronger stole him from the Blackhawks bench before Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals and sent him one way to an undisclosed location. The Hawks deny anything is missing, but an analysis of the player who wears Hawks #33 in the series shows that Byfuglien is nowhere to be found.
• Marian Hossa's luck: Pronger stole this from Hossa in the summer of 2007 while on vacation with the cup, when asked why he did this, Pronger replied, "I didn't know there's a rule against that. Show me that in the rulebook."
• Kyle Wellwood's Diet Planner: Pronger was bored one day during a trip to Toronto and noticed that Wellwood had left his diet planner out, Pronger decided as a prank to swipe it, and replace it with another Diet Planner that contained meal ideas such as, "Twinkies with melted butter sauce" and "Fried Chicken and Bacon"
• Alexandre Daigle's Spotlight: During the 1993 NHL Entry Draft, Daigle was taken first, and Pronger second, Pronger was so angry that he stole the spotlight from Daigle by actually being a good NHL player.
• Joe Thornton's ability to swallow: When playing in the Western Conference, Pronger stared angrily at Jumbo Joe for minutes on end, since then Thornton has routinely choked every postseason because he remembers Pronger's words.
• Jonas Gustavsson's Heart: During a preseason game against the Maple Leafs, Pronger reached into the chest of Gustavsson and removed his heart in order to replace the one that Pronger lost when he was hit in the chest by a Boris Mironov slapshot, because of this, Gustavsson's heart has routinely exploded during the season. Lee Stempniak was supposedly the only person to see how Pronger did it, however, no witnesses can actually place Stempniak anywhere the Maple Leafs during the time of the crime. Oddly Stempniak turned up in Arizona in March 2010, but has been afraid to say what he saw.
  
• Tomas Kopecky's Helmet Padding: See Don't Trade Vinny's caption to my previous post.
• Ville Leino: Apparently Pronger was the secret behind Paul Holmgren's absolute steal of Leino from the Detroit Red Wings, Pronger called up Ken Holland and threatened to elbow every Red Wings player in the face and cross check Jimmy Howard into another dimension during the Wings April visit to Philly if Holland didn't agree to send Leino to Philly for Ole-Kristian Tollefsen.
• Happiness in Boston: Pronger convinced the Flyers to spot the Bruins a 3-0 lead in the series just to screw with Boston, but then, in a realm of douchebaggery and thievery that set a new bar even for Pronger, he then convinced the Flyers to spot the Bruins a 3-0 first period lead in game 7 only to come back and destroy the Bruins dreams by winning 4-3.
• Dean McCammond's brain: In order to protect his own brain from Chris Chelios, Pronger removed McCammond's brain and sent it to Chelios to appease him.
• Joffrey Lupul's Security of a Steady Home: Pronger as a joke likes to keep Lupul on his toes by occasionally making Lupul move back west. Luckily for Lupul, the first move was the cruelest and Pronger sent him to Edmonton.
• The hair clippers of Scott Hartnell's barber: Seriously, how else would Hartnell look like that?
• Dan Carcillo's Dignity: Pronger told him that the 'Stache looks good.
• Profits from the Construction Industry in Montreal: Pronger slowed down the need for construction in Montreal, Quebec by ending the Habs playoff run in 2010.
• Armando Galaragga's Perfect Game: Pronger grew a beard, ran to Detroit to umpire a game between the Indians and the Tigers, then decided to steal perfection away from Galaragga by calling Jason Donald safe. Now we know why Pronger doesn't have a beard.
  

NHL Conference Finals Previews

Since Down Goes Spezza seems to have a mind crazy enough to work in these playoffs. We, the DGS brains, have decided that we are going to sort out this mess

Up first, we have the Western Conference Finals

#2 Chicago and #1 San Jose

San Jose Sharks

Pro: Have dynamic forwards such as Thornton, Heatley, Setoguchi and Marleau who can take over a game and own it.
Con: All of whom are due for their annual postseason choke job.

Pro: Have an experienced goalie in Evgeni Nabokov who played for Team Russia in the Olympics.
Con: And when the going got tough, he choked like the rest of the Sharks

Pro: This year's NHL playoff theme is "History will be made" which is possibly a sign that the Sharks will not choke for a change.
Con: This year's NHL playoff theme is "History will be made" which is possibly a sign that the Sharks will choke in a way so epic that the Bruins won't be remembered as the biggest chokers in 2010.




Chicago Black Hawks

Pro: Have a really versatile player in Dustin Byfuglien who can turn around a game as a shut down defense-man or power forward
Con: May be unable to actually get to the games because of his role in the pizza crawl.

Pro: Have a great set of defense-man such as Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook and Brian Campbell.
Con: It's also possible that Brian Campbell's lack of a collarbone could be a problem.

Pro: Goalie Antti Niemmi has a habit of swallowing pucks and keeping them out of the net.
Con: Of course, sometimes he also loses them altogether.


-Analysis-

Real simple, Sharks choke, and Hawks in 6

#7 Flyers and #8 Canadiens

Flyers

Pro: Totally own the size advantage over them midget Habs forwards
Con: Totally might have issues getting a puck past Halak.

Pro: Will get a momentum lift by getting Jeff Carter back from injury.
Con: Per league rules, will have a goaltender go down to injury as well.

Pro: Mike Leighton is amazing
Con: Mike Leighton has never been this far in the postseason before.




Habs

Pro: Have a set of skilled forwards who can turn a game around.
Con: They're still tiny!

Pro: Halak is an amazing goalie on a Cinderella run.
Con: Look how it turned out for him in the Olympics

Pro: Have shut down Ovechkin and Crosby and Malkin, the 3 best players in the league offensively.
Con: Never had to stop an attack as balanced as the Flyers.


-Analysis-

The Flyers are far too balanced to get downed by the Habs, Flyers in 6. Montreal still riots anyway.

Signs Your Team Is Not Going to Make It Out of the Second Round

A lot of office pools were destroyed by the shocking upsets in the first round. Luckily, the brilliant, if not insane, minds here at Down Goes Spezza have some idea of what’s going on. Hey, we went 50/50 on the game 7 picks in the first round, and we had the Habs over the Capitals so that shows that we know our stuff, or possibly that we got entirely lucky. Anyway, here is our list of signs that your team is going to lose in the second round.

1. Your goalie is choking faster and more violently than Joe Thornton.

2. You’re pretty sure that your 3rd line is now a bunch of AHL guys

3. Your best goaltenders are injured.

4. Eklund just reported that your team will win the series

5. Maxim Lapierre just dove to draw a penalty during the post-series handshake.

6. Your captain is ready for a round 3 matchup against the media

7. The biggest victory in sports in your town involved a taser

8. Your top center took a bite out of Danny Carcillo and didn’t choke.

9. When the coach was asked if injured star players could return to help out he replied “help out with what?”

10. You are facing a team who has the defending Vezina Trophy winner glued to the bench.

Quick Predictions on the non-Flyers 2nd round Playoff Series

After going 50/50 in the Game 7s, we here at Down Goes Spezza have decided to take a look at the other playoff series. So, here we go.

Western Conference:

#1 San Jose vs. #5 Detroit

Quick Pick: San Jose drops the series in 6 games after a reporter accidentally walks up to Joe Thornton and asks him “how do you feel about these playoffs?”

#2 Chicago vs. #3 Vancouver

Quick Pick: Vancouver pulls this one out in 7 after Niemi accidentally swallows another puck only to drop it into his own net.

Eastern Conference

#4 Pittsburgh vs. #8 Montreal

Quick Pick: Jaroslav Halak continues to be red hot and the Habs D continues to shut down. Stephane Auger decides that it’s time to “get” Crosby the Crybaby and therefore it’s Habs in 7. By get, we mean actually call Crosby for Diving

#7 Flyers vs. #6 Boston

Tomorrow’s post will give a detailed analysis of this series.