I did this last year and I'm doing it again this year, previewing the Western Conference playoff series to make sure you know how to be with your NHL playoff bracket.
#1 Vancouver vs #8 Chicago
What you need to know about Vancouver: Roberto Luongo fears the United Center
What you need to know about Chicago: Patrick Kane's still drunk from June 2010
Who's gonna win?- Chelsea Dagger stabs the Canucks again, Chicago wins in 6
#2 San Jose vs #7 Los Angeles
What you need to know about San Jose: Joe Thornton hasn't been that it's playoff time yet.
What you need to know about Los Angeles: Terry Murray and John Stevens are running their bench
Who's gonna win? Gotta be San Jose, Thornton won't see a calendar...and do you REALLY think a team with John Stevens on their bench has a playoff run in them?
#3 Detroit vs #6 Winnipeg Hamilton Quebec City Phoenix
What you need to know about Detroit: Detroit's roster remembers playing in the NHL before the NHL was in Winnipeg...come to think of it, I'm pretty sure the Red Wings remember the last time the Ottawa Senators won a Stanley Cup
What you need to know about Phoenix: Biz-Nasty plays for them, which means this series will have the most interesting tweets.
Who's gonna win? Since there's obviously no such thing as hockey in Phoenix...Detroit wins
#4 Anaheim vs #5 Nashville
What you need to know about Anaheim: They have 5 star players, Getzlaf, Perry, Ryan, Selanne and Visnovsky...but they're goalie is Dan Ellis and his backup is the #DanEllisProblems
What you need to know about Nashville: They're goalie is kinda huge...and not like Tim Thomas or Marty Brodeur. Also, they have a defenseman with a giant slapshot...wait...huge goalie...D-man with a 104+MPH slapshot...are you SURE we're not talking about the Bruins? Apparently, yes, I can confirm, Nashville has a hockey team...and Mike Fisher-Underwood plays for them. Ok, then...wow...learn something everyday.
Who's Gonna win? Nashville, because Dan Ellis will refuse to stop Shea Weber's slapshot.
We all know that hockey players are a superstitious bunch. They love their rituals like playoff beards, not saying that word that's apparently constantly said in Flyerdom etc... Anyway teams also have phobias for the playoffs as well. Being that DGS lives around hockey, and has the DGS-SuperSpies always watching, I've obtained a list of phobias that some players or teams have going into this post season.
The Vancouver Canucks fear:
Chelsea Dagger, Patrick Kane, Chelsea Dagger, Patrick Sharp, Chelsea Dagger, Jonathan Toews (and the fact that he's freaking creepy as hell), Chelsea Dagger, The Chicago Blackhawks, Chelsea Dagger, games in the United Center, Chelsea Dagger.
The San Jose Sharks fear:
Joe Thornton seeing a calendar
The Philadelphia Flyers fear:
Michael Leighton's god damn 5 hole being involved in a game, going on the Powerplay, having a playoff caliber goaile, Mike Richards being nice to the media after a loss, Nikolay Zherdev playing 'defense'.
The Chicago Blackhawks fear:
Patrick Kane in a bar, Jonathan Toews being exposed as a Vulcan Android, John Scott seeing ice time.
The Pittsburgh Penguins fear:
Brent Johnson thinking that his teammates play for NYI when Pens wear the blue sweaters, Matt Cooke missing a blindside hit on an opponent and taking out a teammate, being exposed as an AHL team without Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin
The Montreal Canadiens fear: Tall people, stanchions, Zdeno Chara, nothing at all because someone's burning that city down.
The Boston Bruins fear:
Zdeno Chara's impending arrest in Montreal, Short people, leads involving the number 3
The Washington Capitals fear:
The first round of the playoffs, someone taking ice cream away from Boudreau, not being able to grab their sack.
The Detroit Red Wings fear:
Youth, Missing Nap Time, cuts to Social Security payouts.
The Anaheim Ducks fear:
Teemu Selanne remembering his age, Corey Perry deciding that he's bored with being awesome, Ryan Getzlaf growing hair.
The Phoenix Coyotes fear:
Being noticed, Losing BizNasty's twitter account again because without it- no one knows they exist.
The LA Kings fear:
Puns involving Jonathan Quick, Jarrett Stoll being switched for Jared Staal
The Tampa Bay Lighting fear:
Karma for the Matt Walker deal, Rick Tocchet and Brian Lawton returning, Dwayne Roloson forgetting to drink from the Fountain Of Youth every day, Steve Downie remembering he's Steve Downie, Steven Stamkos deciding that Joe Thornton is his playoff idol.
The Nashville Predators fear:
Carrie Underwood pulling Mike Fisher-Underwood off the team to help with her music career, Barry Trotz growing a neck, Shea Weber hitting a teammate with a slapshot, Ryan Suter becoming Ron Sutter.
I saved the best for last, the Atlantic Division. How are things gonna shape up here, DGS has the answers.
Pittsburgh Penguins
The Good: Max Talbot will be able to pick out every douche in the NHL and deliver a list of them to us.
The Bad: After Crosby and Malkin, the Penguinsseverely lack forward talent capable of scoring 120 points a season.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will be coddled by Gary Bettman's permanent man crush on Cindy Crosby
New York Islanders
The Good: Will have a guaranteed top 5 pick in the NHL draft due to playing 24 games against the Flyers, Penguins, Rangers and Devils all of which the Islanders will lose.
The Bad: Will run out of get well cards for Rick DiPietro by November.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the Democrats are able to push universal health care in the United States through in order to save on medical bills for DiPietro
New York Rangers
The Good: Will in fact win all 6 games against the Islanders due to the fact that they have Martin Biron.
The Bad: Will at some point sign Kyle Wellwood to a Redden-like contract.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope to every divine being known the man that Gaborik can avoid Dan Carcillo.
New Jersey Devils
The Good:
Signed shot blocking specialist Anton Volchenkov to throw his body in the way of any jars of jelly that Lou decides to throw.
The Bad: Have fallen victim to the fact that apparently the CBA matters.
Secret Strategy for the New Season:
Will fatten Brodeur up to the point where he covers the entire net even if pad free.
Philadelphia Flyers
The Good: Filled the "Craptastic Defensemen" void left by the departure of Ryan Parent with Andrej "Big Mesz" Meszaros.
The Bad: Now have to face the defending Stanley Cup champions in 4 rematches as the Hawks now play in the Eastern Conference
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have infinite hope in the idea that opposing shooters will never hit the net as they die laughing from realizing what the Flyers goaltending quality is.
Today we pick up with part 5 of our series on NHL Training Camp previews. It's the Central Division, meaning that the Atlantic will be last. So here we go.
Detroit Red Wings
The Good: Will save money on team travel by being able to cash in AARP rewards on flights, hotels and team meals. The Bad: Will at some point begin to act their age. Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have decided that trading European MVPs to the Flyers for part time enforcing defensemen is a bad idea.
St. Louis Blues
The Good: Acquired playoff hero Jaroslav Halak from the Montreal Canadiens for next to nothing. The Bad: Were not told that Jaroslav Halak is Slovak for Choke's in Second to Last Round. Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will undoubtedly be the best team in the NHL named after a genre of music.
Nashville Predators
The Good: Acquired familiar face Ryan Parent from the Flyers. The Bad: Didn't realize that since Ryan Parent was traded to the Flyers from Nashville, he kinda started to suck. Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will hope opponents die laughing when Ryan Parent is forced to log 25 minutes a game as Shea Weber's defense partner.
Chicago Blackhawks
The Good: Are apparently the defending Stanley Cup Champions, which means that the team should be loaded with a roster of scoring forwards, competent defensemen and solid goaltending The Bad: Apparently, Blackhawks management seemed to have forgotten about small things like the NHL salary cap. Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will sell Atlanta Thrashers jerseys and such at home games inspiring the city of Chicago to support the Blackhawks playoff heroes.
Columbus Blue Jackets
The Good: Should the team make the playoffs, RJ Umberger will light up Jaroslav Halak per the clause in his contract that states he owns anything that ever played for the Habs in the postseason. The Bad: Seems that Steve Mason is a clone of Steve Penney.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have acquired former Oilers Captain Ethan Moreau, who will play far above any level played before out of sheer relief that he longer plays in Edmonton.
Part 4 of the series is here. Today were looking at the southeast division. By the way, Max Talbot called and told me that I need to call Alex Ovechkin a douche. I don't know if I actually will, but hey, you never know.
Florida Panthers
The Good: Sports interest in Miami is now buzzing due to the acquisitions of LeBron James and Chris Bosh along with Wade's decision to stay.
The Bad: This has absolutely nothing to do with hockey.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Goalies for the Panthers no longer have to worry about being decapitated by Keith Ballard.
Carolina Hurricanes
The Good: Are set up with plenty of early first round picks coming from their tank job that should continue for another 3-4 years.
The Bad: After losing Michael Leighton to the Flyers and not resigning Manny Legace, the 'Canes now only have 1 goalie with Stanley Cup experience in Cam Ward.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope that other teams take pity on them and allow them to face 82 games of backup goaltenders.
Tampa Bay Lightning
The Good: New General Manager Steve Yzerman is a Jedi which will allow him to hopefully keep evil Sith Lord Darth Ellis in check. (Question Time: How many Twitter meltdowns does Ellis have during the season?)
The Bad: Will constantly be distracted by rumors of trading Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis, and Simon Gagne to the Canadiens for PK Subban and Carey Price as well as having to pay attention to what Dan Ellis says on Twitter.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will at some point, convince the Flyers to trade Jeff Carter for Paul Ranger.
Washington Capitals
The Good: Because of the tire-changing prowess of Brooks Laich, the Capitals will never be late to games due to flat tires.
The Bad: Like the US Congress, the team will be loaded with plenty of potential but will not actually get anything positive done when it matters.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the NHL teams fall victim to the idea that Mike Green is a defensemen when in fact he actually plays forward.
Atlanta Blackhawks...Thrashers
The Good: As of last check of the team's roster with players like Byfuglien, Kane and Ladd, they are the defending Stanley Cup Champions
The Bad: The team may suffer from an identity crisis as the Cup winning players will have a hard time adjusting to playing in the empty arenas of the Southeast Division.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will do everything they did last season when the team played in Chicago and hope that it works again.
Like many offseasons, this summer has seen a lot of movement in the NHL, and I don't just mean trades and free agency, which have been oddly quiet. Some of it may be confusing for a casual fan who didn't follow the news as it happened. Luckily we here at DGS have compiled the following guide to help you understand what's been moved around.
The Chicago Blackhawks moved the team to Atlanta in the weeks following their Stanley Cup win, this was done in order to hide the Stanley Cup from the Daley Political Machine who would probably try to steal it. In the words of Rod Blagojevich "I got this cup, and it's fucking silver."
The Philadelphia Flyers and Montreal Canadiens recently started a joint business venture to do the unthinkable: bring the NHL to Tampa, Florida. This new project, tentatively called "the Tampa Bay Lightning" is made up of Habs and Flyers castoffs like Dominic Moore and Simon Gagne, they'll be coached by the Habs AHL Hamilton Bulldogs coaching staff and are slated to play in the Southeast Division of the Eastern Conference, Habs owner Mike Leighton has yet to comment on the deal. I wish them the best of luck.
A certain GM named Sutter opened up a "Blast from the Past" Museum in Calgary by picking up former Flames like Olli Jokinen. In order to avoid being a one trick pony, Sutter also showcases a list of "Former Maple Leafs" exhibit.
Vesa Toskala has been forced to relocate to Finland, but only because the Finns apparently can't kick Finnish citizens out of Finland. However, with the way things are going in Philadelphia, it's safe to assume he's gonna be their starting goalie by December. (GOD HELP US ALL!)
In a case of things NOT being moved, the Edmonton Oilers still in fact, play in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
Sami Salo recently attempted to move a muscle landing him in the ER again, however, this actually led to him being placed in a padded room to prevent him from hurting himself while performing basic day-to-day tasks. He promptly broke his jaw while attempting to chew his liquid breakfast shake.
In order to maximize the summer vacations he has every year, Brian Burke will continue to look to relocate all his draft picks so as to avoid having to take time off from his vacations in order to draft players.
Denis Grebeshkov relocated himself to the KHL allowing him to play in his native Russia. Honestly, after spending 2.5 years in Edmonton and then trying to play hockey in Nashville, I'd probably try to do the same thing.
Paul Holmgren gave Andrej Meszaros another shot at playing in the NHL after he disappeared for the last 2 years. This is because Holmgren saw what bringing in a bad contract did with the Habs after they took on Scott Gomez's salary, and how the Hawks won a cup with Brian Campbell and CristoLOL Huet on their team. He still has the last laugh as we all know the Rangers are still stuck with Wade Redden.
Mike Modano is attempting to relocate himself somewhere, anywhere, he's sure he wants to go, but sadly no one's letting him in when he knocks.
Tomas Kaberle has yet to be relocated, but only because of the hypocrisy of Brian Burke, he demands a top-6 forward for him, which means he should have dealt Kaberle to the Flyers for Andrej Meszaros by now, as after checking the Leafs depth chart, I'm pretty sure Mesz could fit in there.
Johan Hedberg relocated himself to the easiest NHL job on the planet, backing up Martin Brodeur of the NJ Devils, this job entails only one responsibility, making sure that Lou can't get his hands on any jars of jelly.
The Phoenix Coyotes are actively attempting to move the entire team and every trace of it to Winnipeg. As if hockey ever existed there...
Mike Green was allegedly relocated to the Capitals defense corps, however, after scouring hours of video, there is no known evidence of Mike Green actually playing defense.
Max Talbot relocated himself to be the temporary hot topic of the NHL by calling Alex Ovechkin a "douche". While it is refreshing to see Sidney Crosby on the back burner for 20 seconds, it's hard to understand what the big deal over Talbot stating a well known fact is. Also, inb4 Andy Sutton asks "are you an expert?" Max Talbot better know a douche when he sees one, he plays on a team with Matt Cooke and Sidney Crosby in a league where Gary Bettman is the commissioner.
Speaking of people calling people names and getting in the news for it, where the hell did Sean Avery run off to? I haven't heard of him saying anything in over 2 months.
Antti Niemi will soon relocate to the KHL after no NHL team pays the 6,250,000 the arbitrator gives him because of Niemi's argument that he DID play better than CristoLOL Huet.
Speaking of KHL relocations, Evgeni Nabokov relocated to the KHL because after years of watching Joe Thornton choke at the thought of running into a Chris Pronger elbow during the postseason, Nabby couldn't bear to play a whole season with Chris Pronger's elbows that close to his skull. Honestly, did Holmgren forget to tell him that Keith Ballard is NOT a Flyer?
In another story involving non-relocation, the NHL will still be on Versus next year, meaning you probably will never have to worry about seeing its existence.
Just a couple days ago, the blogging idol of DGS, Mr. Down Goes Brown, posted a comparison between NHL and NBA Free Agency and DGS was sad, because we had the same idea for a post in mind. DGB suggested that we pre-date the post and then accuse him of plagiarism but we decided against it. Instead, we decided to share our thoughts on the idea of tampering in NHL.
Thanks to @NonAmericanHero on Twitter for telling us that the CBA has no rules of tampering, so because of that DGS sent the DGS SuperSpies into the world to find out, what is tampering in the NHL. The results, they were odd, but enlightening to say the least.
Some NHL Examples of Tampering.
Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs takes a trip to Sweden for a "vacation" only to end up accidentally recruiting the Sedins.
Marian Hossa tampers with the Red Wings chances of repeating as Stanley Cup champions by signing with them after the 2008 season
Flyers GMs since 1997 have tampered with the teams chances of winning a Stanley Cup by never signing a competent goaltender, (Remind me again why were paying Big Mesz $4 million and Nabby walked to the KHL?)
Alexei Yashin tampered with the Islanders books by penciling his name on them until 2020
Someone tampered with Rick DiPietro's health sending him for MRI's every year, (this just in...Rick has a minimum 5 MRIs per week clause in his contract)
Chicago Blackhawks ownership tampered with the whole NHL by secretly moving the team to Atlanta after winning the 2010 Stanley Cup
Kyle Wellwood tampered with the last scale he was on, making it say 181lbs as his weight.
An unknown person or persons tampered with Ilya Kovalchuk's calendar causing him to not realize that in fact, he legally can sign an NHL contract.
Rick Tocchet tampered with the Lightning's chances to win by hating on a guy named Vinny. (Thanks DTV)
Someone tampers with Joe Thornton's mind every time the playoffs role around
Keith Ballard likes to tamper with the skull of his team's goaltender
Pierre McGuire will tamper with your belt and pants every time he interviews you.
Every NHL player attempts to tamper with the Edmonton Oilers by demanding a trade out of Edmonton.
Rangers GM Glen Sather tampered with Habs by convincing them to take on the Scott Gomez contract.
Chris Pronger uses his elbows to tamper with opponent's skulls.
[Note: Eklund claims these ideas are all 100% DGS Originals (e4)]
12:10AM: DGS should be asleep, but he wants to start with the major transactions that were announced
RFA Signings: Mike Leighton takes 2 years 1.55 cap hit to stay in Philly and compete for the starting job. No real surprise here, more on Leighton later today, when I can combine it with any other splashes the Flyers make.
Retirements: Rod Brind'Amour: a class act, a great guy, and for me, a Hall of Famer
Trades: Toronto and Chicago:
Toronto gets: Kris Versteeg and Bill Sweatt Chicago gets: Viktor Stalberg, Philippe Paradis and Christopher DiDomenico
Conclusion: Are the 'Hawks under the cap yet? Is Toronto truculent enough yet? Is Burkie happy yet? (I can answer the last one: Not until Kaberle goes). Leaf's and Hawks fans who read this blog, tell me what you think of the deal...I'll add in some of the comments to this post.
12:22am Ok then, all I want is Boucher to be traded for a #6/7 D-man, though he can be AHL'd, the Flyers to keep Coburn, Powe, Carcillo and Asham and please please please find a wing to swing Hamhuis. (DGS predicts the new Flyers D-man will be Toni Lydman, solid puck mover, has NHL experience, fits with the Flyers love of going Finnish)
12:27am DGS wishes that won't come true tonight
1. Getting laid #DGSDateWatch restarts...
2. Anton Volchenkov, Evgeni Nabokov and Ilya Kovalchuk all sign contracts that put the Flyers even with the cap.
3. Flyers lose Scott Hartnell and somehow gain Dustin Byfuglien
4. Pierre McGuire becomes normal
12:30am DGS begins to think about getting drunk after realizing what his life is like...Amy talks him out of it via G-chat...by the way, chat with DGS tomorrow from 2:30-4:30pm on Google Chat, DGS's email is DownGoesSpezza@gmail.com, Amy will make sure to tweet updates as well as she gets a hold of them.
9:16AM DGS sees report linking Dan Ellis to the Flyers, for the record, goalies linked to the Flyers this offseason:
Nabby, Turco, Biron, Price, Ellis, Halak, Niitty, Chris Mason, Steve Mason (seriously, I got an email about it- Amy), Thomas, Hedberg, Theodore, Budaj....
Long story short, Flyers have more goalie options that Harry Potter had Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers...
As for Eclipse: Spoiler Alert: Silver Arrows hit the werewolves, Buffy stakes the vampires, The End
9:22AM DGS realizes we forgot the following goalies on this list of goalies linked to the Flyers: Quick, Bernier, Lalime, Roloson, Weekes, Legace, Caron, Toskala (Yes, seriously, though don't worry, he'd be shot here)....if anyone knows of any other rumors, add them...or make some up too...cleverest scenario wins a prize* from DGS
*- DGS promises to name this person in a post and give them free advertising to any blog/website provided the content is rated PG13 or lower.
1:13PM Flyers trade for Meszaros...what a Meszy move...dammit Homer, pull something big out.
2:18PM Still a goaltending mess. Coburn's back for 2yrs/3.55 cap hit and now Jody Shelley and Sean O'Donnell are in as well. This probably spells the end of Riley Cote in Philly. In unrelated news, Holmgren is trying to sell the truculent Cote to the Leafs
Alex Auld to the Habs, guess that means Dan Ellis hit the open market. Or as multiple twitter accounts have said, Habs get Vesa Toskala lite.
Sergei Gonchar to the Sens...I guess Gonchar is gonna go the Kaberle route...and hate winning
Zybnek Michalek to the Pens...Phoenix to Pissburgh...(typo intentional) Z, I had hope for you, but now you're gonna be Crosby's bitch...and that's just bad.
Alex Tanguay back to Calgary....I love Sutter....and Sather...these guys make JFJ begin to look intelligent (Amy reminded me of the Rask/Raycroft deal, I take this back)
All Time Worst GMs Ever: Sutter, Sather, John Ferguson Jr.
Marty St. Louis contract extension announced, anonymous sources tell me Marty had a hard time signing the contract because he could not see the table where the contract was located.
For those who don't know, I'm open on my facebook page and I'm taking email at the address on the right. I'll post some of the more interesting emails and their answers here as well as answering all of the email personally*.
(*-DGS staff will answer emails, Amy included, there are 5 of us)
2:53PM First Email Answer:
DGS,
Leighton, Boucher, Backlund are already in the mix, but none of these scream long term number 1 goalie. What hopes do the Flyers have?
Jeff
Jeff,
Thanks for being the first to check in. Long term options pretty much involve trades. JvR to LA for Bernier or Quick is a possibility. If the Flyers want to dump salary, I could see Hartnell AND JvR for Bernier or Quick and an LA forward or draft picks. Give it time though, with Turco and Nabby still in play, things can happen.
-DGS
DGS,
Martin Biron to the Rangers, what do you think?
Bill C.
Bill,
Soft goals, inconsistency and flamboyant personality...it screams SATHER GUY!
-DGS
Amy,
Are you cute? Can I have your number?
Steve F.
Steve,
No way in hell, I'm not interested.
-Amy
Down Goes Spezza,
Are you going to miss Riley Cote? It sure looks like he's the odd man out right now.
Kevin L.
Kevin,
I'll miss Cote for his off ice charity work more than being a fight only guy. The guy who I really think I am going to miss at the end of this is Arron Asham, great guy all around and a solid depth player. Who ever picks up Asham is gonna get an underrated player. As for Cote, he might get tossed in as a spare part in a trade, but most likely will be making to trek to the AHL Phantoms for 2010-2011
-Amy
3:03pm Just realized the Shelley deal is a 3 year deal. I realize Shelley burned us for 2 goals in the last 2 games of the season, but for the love of divine entities, THIS GUY IS A MORE EXPENSIVE RILEY COTE!!! WTF WERE WE THINKING?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! Send him to the AHL NOW please and thanks....
3:08pm Rick Tocchet coached Meszaros last season in Tampa.
“He had the willingness to play hurt, I have to give him credit,” said Tocchet. “I give him a lot of credit. A lot of guys wouldn’t have done that. But there is another level in him and he’s got to find that with the Flyers.”
I just threw up a little...I'm beginning to plot my demise...still taking Emails and Facebook questions though!
3:11PM Toni Lydman to the Ducks, I wanted that Finn, like the Flyers I tend to enjoy Finns
Little known fact about DGS: Amy and Matt both love Finnish metal band Nightwish
3:30PM
Random Coworker of Amy's asked her:
Does Shelley spell the end of Lappy or Carcillo?
Amy: I think it makes the possible loss of Carcillo manageable, but expect to see Cote waived.
Matt: No, it means Cote's on the AHL train, which makes no sense because Cote comes at about half the cap hit.
Luc: Nope, just means Cote's gone.
Jon: Cote's headed to Glens Falls to play for the Phantoms, unless he gets traded
3:47PM
Amy just reminded the rest of the staff that we all hated the Leino trade, Carcillo trade, keeping Carter over Umberger and Asham signing when they all happened. The boys just realized they had no counters to these moves of moves we loved, but then regretted. Results have happened, and while the boys don't like it, they love having a woman as the voice of reason. (Matt, Jon, Luc all disagree)
4:21pm Volchenkov to the Devils. This could be bad...
or not
4:25pm Hamhuis to the Canucks, hometown player signs...that's ok, btw, thx for the 3rd rounder Penguins
4:32PM Matt's getting more depressed by the minute....Flyers July 1 = Twitter Fail Whale
4:44PM Just saw the Blackhawks moved to the Eastern Conference and now play in Atlanta...FML AGAIN!
5:35PM Dinner time with the DGS crew...will check back in around 7pm...Later world!
Editor's Note: This post is written by Amy, NOT DGS.
Ilya Kovalchuk, where will he end up. Well, the DGS SuperSpies have tried to find out, and they have some interesting ideas, as well as what this means for Flyers fans. So with the help of me, the Amazing Amy, DGS made a list of 10 possible destinations and what Flyers fans should think of them.
Team: NJ Devils Odds: 4:1 Reasons to Go: Will be backed by a Hall of Fame caliber goalie and a great Defensive system Reasons to Not Go: The Devils aren't exactly known for opening the bank for offensive talents Meaning to Flyers: If he's in NJ, we're fucked.
Team: Toronto Maple Leafs Odds: 10:1 Reasons to Go: Kovy and Kessel on the top 2 lines, it's bound to work, right? Reasons to Not Go: Does Toronto have a D that can allow Kovy a chance to win Meaning to Flyers: Only facing Kovy 4 times a year instead of 6 is a bonus, but I'd fear Kovy in the playoffs
Team: Boston Bruins Odds: 500:1 Reasons to Go: Kovy/Hall/Savard top line, that's amazing Reasons to Not Go: Will be traded to Toronto for a decade's worth of first rounders and Luke Schenn Meaning to Flyers: Kovy in Boston=Bruins as favourites for the Cup in 2011
Team: Washington Capitals Odds: 25:1 Reasons to Go: An all Russian top line of Ovy-Semin-Kovy sounds nice Reasons to Not Go: Mike Green would then be the Caps top D-man causing every game to be decided by a score of 9-8 Meaning to Flyers: Really isn't one until the playoffs roll around...
Team: Edmonton Oilers Odds: 100,000:1 Reasons to Go: I heard Edmonton feels like Russia in winter. Reasons to Not Go: I heard Edmonton feels like Russia in winter Meaning to Flyers: It's second best option.
Team: San Jose Sharks Odds: 85:1 Reasons to Go: "Thornton to Kovalchuk...SHARKS SCORE" would guarantee another San Jose President's Trophy Reasons to Not Go: Cap issues, lack of playoff success, risk of having to get a ride with Dany Heatley all come to mind Meaning to Flyers: Again, it's nice to have Kovy out of the east...but I sure wouldn't mind having Kovy on another continent.
Team: Montreal Canadiens Odds: 100:1 Reasons to Go: A skilled sniper would give the Habs a legit scoring threat Reasons to Not Go: Other Habs players may be afraid of a giant 6'2" 230lb Russian Meaning to Flyers: When Habs fans riot after wins against Toronto, the Flyers may have to give up their reputation as the "most brutish fans in hockey, or sport for that matter"
Team: Chicago Black Hawks Odds: 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000:1 Reasons to Go: After the Hawks implode this team in order to gain cap space, they could restock with Kovy-Toews-Kane as their top line Reasons to Not Go: Kovy would then need to work for free. Meaning to Flyers: Hey, at least it keeps him OUT of the Eastern Conference...
Team: Philadelphia Flyers Odds: 150,000:1 Reasons to Go: Great chance to win a cup Reasons to Not Go: Flyers already have 8 top-6 caliber forwards Meaning to Flyers: He becomes our weapon on offense, at the expense of having a goalie next year, seriously, Kovy=Boucher/Backlund in net
Team: Anyone in the KHL Odds: 3:1 Reasons to Go: $14 million and a chance to be close to home why NOT take it. Reasons to Not Go: I heard it's cold in Russia... Meaning to Flyers: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!
-Goalies- Leighton 49 starting Boucher 33 on the bench
-Scratches-
LW Riley Cote 32: Coach's Decision D Ryan Parent 77: Coach's Decision D Danny Syvret 26: Coach's Decision LW Dan Carcillo 13: Coach's Decision RW David Laliberte 9: Coach's Decision G Johan Backlund 30: Coach's Decision G Ray Emery 29: Hip Injury
Blackhawks Lines
Probably will be juggled beyond belief, so I won't even try their forwards
The item: A Philadelphia Flyers playoff-caliber goaltender Missing since: 1996 Case details: Oddly enough, the team's front office seems completely unaware that anything is missing. Investigation status: If we can't solve it now, there's always next year. And the next. And the next..
Paul Holmgren scoured the Waiver Wire and found Michael Leighton, problem solved
8:40PM Hartnell's hair takes a tripping penalty, cavemen everywhere sue.
8:45PM I will end this live blog because of how the Flyers play when I do this sort of thing...at least later...
8:49PM Pierre still hasn't said monster...
8:51PM The Flyers do this when I live blog...peace out til the intermissions
At the end of Games 1, 2 and 4, Chris Pronger walked off with the game pucks from the ice. He supposedly tossed 2 of them in the garbage. What many people don't realize is that Chris Pronger actually has had a habit of stealing things for a long time. In fact, we here at Down Goes Spezza scored the list of items Chris Pronger has stolen, credit the primary assist to Don't Trade Vinny for this one.
Dustin Byfuglien: Pronger stole him from the Blackhawks bench before Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals and sent him one way to an undisclosed location. The Hawks deny anything is missing, but an analysis of the player who wears Hawks #33 in the series shows that Byfuglien is nowhere to be found.
Marian Hossa's luck: Pronger stole this from Hossa in the summer of 2007 while on vacation with the cup, when asked why he did this, Pronger replied, "I didn't know there's a rule against that. Show me that in the rulebook."
Kyle Wellwood's Diet Planner: Pronger was bored one day during a trip to Toronto and noticed that Wellwood had left his diet planner out, Pronger decided as a prank to swipe it, and replace it with another Diet Planner that contained meal ideas such as, "Twinkies with melted butter sauce" and "Fried Chicken and Bacon"
Alexandre Daigle's Spotlight: During the 1993 NHL Entry Draft, Daigle was taken first, and Pronger second, Pronger was so angry that he stole the spotlight from Daigle by actually being a good NHL player.
Joe Thornton's ability to swallow: When playing in the Western Conference, Pronger stared angrily at Jumbo Joe for minutes on end, since then Thornton has routinely choked every postseason because he remembers Pronger's words.
Jonas Gustavsson's Heart: During a preseason game against the Maple Leafs, Pronger reached into the chest of Gustavsson and removed his heart in order to replace the one that Pronger lost when he was hit in the chest by a Boris Mironov slapshot, because of this, Gustavsson's heart has routinely exploded during the season. Lee Stempniak was supposedly the only person to see how Pronger did it, however, no witnesses can actually place Stempniak anywhere the Maple Leafs during the time of the crime. Oddly Stempniak turned up in Arizona in March 2010, but has been afraid to say what he saw.
Ville Leino: Apparently Pronger was the secret behind Paul Holmgren's absolute steal of Leino from the Detroit Red Wings, Pronger called up Ken Holland and threatened to elbow every Red Wings player in the face and cross check Jimmy Howard into another dimension during the Wings April visit to Philly if Holland didn't agree to send Leino to Philly for Ole-Kristian Tollefsen.
Happiness in Boston: Pronger convinced the Flyers to spot the Bruins a 3-0 lead in the series just to screw with Boston, but then, in a realm of douchebaggery and thievery that set a new bar even for Pronger, he then convinced the Flyers to spot the Bruins a 3-0 first period lead in game 7 only to come back and destroy the Bruins dreams by winning 4-3.
Dean McCammond's brain: In order to protect his own brain from Chris Chelios, Pronger removed McCammond's brain and sent it to Chelios to appease him.
Joffrey Lupul's Security of a Steady Home: Pronger as a joke likes to keep Lupul on his toes by occasionally making Lupul move back west. Luckily for Lupul, the first move was the cruelest and Pronger sent him to Edmonton.
The hair clippers of Scott Hartnell's barber: Seriously, how else would Hartnell look like that?
Dan Carcillo's Dignity: Pronger told him that the 'Stache looks good.
Profits from the Construction Industry in Montreal: Pronger slowed down the need for construction in Montreal, Quebec by ending the Habs playoff run in 2010.
Armando Galaragga's Perfect Game: Pronger grew a beard, ran to Detroit to umpire a game between the Indians and the Tigers, then decided to steal perfection away from Galaragga by calling Jason Donald safe. Now we know why Pronger doesn't have a beard.
As we have seen, the Flyers dropped 2 out in the Windy City to fall into a 2-0 situation. However, in order to come back, the Flyers have devised a slightly devious strategy for coming back. Just like the Boston series, the Flyers have a few tricks up their sleeves, and we here at DGS know just what they are. So, loyal readers, here is your list of Flyers strategies for Game 3.
Dan Carcillo will now only hit members of the Blackhawks.
Flyers goaltenders finally were told that Patrick Sharp and Ben Eager no longer play on their team, also Mike Leighton finally was informed that he doesn't play for the Blackhawks anymore.
Will confuse Chicago scorers by having every goalie that dressed this season suited up and on the ice during pregame warmups.
Chris Pronger will confuse the Hawks by bringing the extra pucks onto the ice.
When getting his ride to the game, local Cab Drivers have been instructed to not give correct change to Patrick Kane
The team will remind Marian Hossa that he is in fact, still Marian Hossa
Super secret agents kidnapped opposing Finnish goaltender Antti Niemi and replaced him with another famous Finnish goaltender, Vesa Toskala. (DGS Note: This also happened during the Game 7 Timeout in Boston).
Since we have hockey in June, the Flyers, stealing a Habs idea, will put sand in the tunnel from the Hawks bench to the locker room to remind them that it's almost beach front vacation time.
Ruined Duncan Keith's morale by saying "hey, I'm real happy for you and all, and Imma let you finish but I just want you to know that Lappy came back from the best injury ever, best injury ever"
With the Finals approaching, and my Flyers still alive in the hunt for a chance to hoist delicious cake, I mean the Stanley Cup. In a slight change of pace, we will only discuss the pros and cons of each team separately rather than in point/counterpoint format. Why am I changing the rules, because the NHL will probably change rules as well to screw the Flyers this series. Fuck you, Bettman.
Flyers
Pro: Have 2 goalies each with 6 wins this postseason and have the best GAA and Save % out there.
Pro: Did not sign Marion Hossa this offseason
Pro: Made the best trade of the year sending Ole Kristian Tollefsen to the Red Wings for Ville Leino. Read that again, a part time, injury prone 8th D-man for a near point per playoff game dynamic dangling top 6 left winger,
Since Down Goes Spezza seems to have a mind crazy enough to work in these playoffs. We, the DGS brains, have decided that we are going to sort out this mess
Up first, we have the Western Conference Finals
#2 Chicago and #1 San Jose
San Jose Sharks
Pro: Have dynamic forwards such as Thornton, Heatley, Setoguchi and Marleau who can take over a game and own it. Con: All of whom are due for their annual postseason choke job.
Pro: Have an experienced goalie in Evgeni Nabokov who played for Team Russia in the Olympics. Con: And when the going got tough, he choked like the rest of the Sharks Pro: This year's NHL playoff theme is "History will be made" which is possibly a sign that the Sharks will not choke for a change. Con: This year's NHL playoff theme is "History will be made" which is possibly a sign that the Sharks will choke in a way so epic that the Bruins won't be remembered as the biggest chokers in 2010.
Chicago Black Hawks
Pro: Have a really versatile player in Dustin Byfuglien who can turn around a game as a shut down defense-man or power forward Con: May be unable to actually get to the games because of his role in the pizza crawl. Pro: Have a great set of defense-man such as Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook and Brian Campbell. Con: It's also possible that Brian Campbell's lack of a collarbone could be a problem. Pro: Goalie Antti Niemmi has a habit of swallowing pucks and keeping them out of the net. Con: Of course, sometimes he also loses them altogether.
-Analysis-
Real simple, Sharks choke, and Hawks in 6
#7 Flyers and #8 Canadiens
Flyers
Pro: Totally own the size advantage over them midget Habs forwards Con: Totally might have issues getting a puck past Halak. Pro: Will get a momentum lift by getting Jeff Carter back from injury. Con: Per league rules, will have a goaltender go down to injury as well. Pro: Mike Leighton is amazing Con: Mike Leighton has never been this far in the postseason before.
Habs
Pro: Have a set of skilled forwards who can turn a game around. Con: They're still tiny! Pro: Halak is an amazing goalie on a Cinderella run. Con: Look how it turned out for him in the Olympics Pro: Have shut down Ovechkin and Crosby and Malkin, the 3 best players in the league offensively. Con: Never had to stop an attack as balanced as the Flyers.
-Analysis-
The Flyers are far too balanced to get downed by the Habs, Flyers in 6. Montreal still riots anyway.
We here at Down Goes Spezza are happy to provide you with an analysis of the upcoming second round playoff series between the Philadelphia Flyers and Boston Bruins.
Season Series:
Flyers: 2-1-1
Bruins: 2-1-1
What the FUCK?!?! That’s right; both teams “won” the season series
Gary Bettman, what the fuck happened? Fix this now please and thanks, ok?
Five Signs the Flyers will win this Series:
5. With Gagne, Carter, Lappy, Leighton, and Emery all out, the Flyers have a well rested roster of youthful kids.
4. Brian Boucher is on the same stuff that made Ray Emery good in 2007
3. Brian Boucher decided not to choke in the postseason
2. The Flyers employ a dynamic defensive system of shot blocking and positioning, but when all else fails, Chris Pronger maims opposing players
Five Signs the Bruins are going to lose this series
5. Marc Savard has decided he likes the vacation time
4. Zdeno Chara faints from lack of oxygen that high up
3. Hmm, maybe the fact that the Flyers “won” the season series
2.Correction the Flyers “won” the series in games played in hockey arenas
1. Tuukka Rask just got informed that he is a rookie
The Official Down Goes Spezza Game by Game Predictions:
Game 1 in Boston
Flyers 3 Boston 1
Game 2 in Boston
Flyers 2 Boston 3
Game 3 in Philly
Flyers 1 Boston 0
Game 4 in Philly
Flyers 3 Boston 1
Game 5 in Boston
Flyers 0 Boston 2
Game 6 in Philly
Flyers 3 Boston 2
That’s right, I got the Flyers in 6.
It’s also important to note Gagne should be back for game 5 or 6 and hopefully Mike Leighton will be back as well, because, you know the Flyers goaltending's been more crippled than someone who turns their back on Ovechkin. Seriously, even Stephane Auger can't 'get' this many people. Yes, I'm burying that joke into the ice, like someone racing Marian Hossa on a possible icing call.
PS: Neither team can possibly pull off a Capital choke job in this series.
After going 50/50 in the Game 7s, we here at Down Goes Spezza have decided to take a look at the other playoff series. So, here we go.
Western Conference:
#1 San Jose vs. #5 Detroit
Quick Pick: San Jose drops the series in 6 games after a reporter accidentally walks up to Joe Thornton and asks him “how do you feel about these playoffs?”
#2 Chicago vs. #3 Vancouver
Quick Pick: Vancouver pulls this one out in 7 after Niemi accidentally swallows another puck only to drop it into his own net.
Eastern Conference
#4 Pittsburgh vs. #8 Montreal
Quick Pick: Jaroslav Halak continues to be red hot and the Habs D continues to shut down. Stephane Auger decides that it’s time to “get” Crosby the Crybaby and therefore it’s Habs in 7. By get, we mean actually call Crosby for Diving
#7 Flyers vs. #6 Boston
Tomorrow’s post will give a detailed analysis of this series.
