(Editors Note: DGS actually wrote this post in April right before the Capitals got eliminated from the playoffs. Now, with the cycle starting again, we feel the need to inform the world about
Well, it seems that the NHL has a new fad, being a “fan” of the Washington Capitals. As a public service announcement to the rest of the NHL, we here at Down Goes Spezza feel compelled to let you know about the different types of Capitals “fans”, and what to do if you see one.
The College Kid: He/She doesn’t actually like hockey, they just happen to go to a school in/near Washington D.C. and therefore have a habit of turning up at Caps games.
How to spot one: Look for a crowd drunk 18-24 year olds. They’re so smashed they can barely stand. Also, they tend to travel in packs screaming about their love of Alex Ovechkin.
What to do if you see one: Smile, laugh, then ask them to name a player on the Caps third line, when they find that impossible, mock them. [They’ll be too intoxicated to actually fight you, don’t worry]*
The “I Just Got Into Hockey” Fan: These people just got into hockey; they assume the Caps have been good forever and that Alex Ovechkin can do anything.
How to Spot One: Wearing red, only red, and they have no idea the Caps had a different sweater prior to 2007. Come to think of it, they have no idea the Caps existed before 2007
What to do if you see one: Ask them about the Jagr years and then laugh hysterically when they can’t answer, give them a history lesson, watch them deny the past. Finally, feel disturbingly satisfied on the inside.
The Alex Ovechkin Groupie: Both males and females can fall into this category. It’s actually kind of creepy.
How to Spot One: They wear everything Alex Ovechkin, Jersey, with an AO t-shirt under it, have an AO hat, and AO written on their socks, jeans and underwear.
What to do if you see one: Ask them a question about the Capitals goaltending and defensive situations, be amused by their inability to understand the concept.
The Bandwagoner: The largest group of Caps fans right now. They magically appeared when the Caps won a President’s Trophy in 2009-2010.
How to Spot One: If you’re ever in their home, you’ll see the following sweaters in their closet: Joe Thornton, Mats Sundin (Canucks), and Chris Pronger (Blues).
What to do if you see one: Question them about the above mentioned sweaters. Allow their answers to make you laugh. Then ask to wear their Pronger jersey. After putting it on, elbow their skull in.
The Lifetime fan: Someone who has followed the Caps since they entered the league in 1974 and is still with the team.
How to Spot One: It’s really hard right now to find one on the streets, but look for the guy wearing a Peter Bondra or Adam Oates jersey. If you’re in the Verizon Center, it’s actually rather easy, since they have the old Caps colors on.
What to do if you see one: Tell them you feel sorry for them because of the above mentioned groups.
The Loyal Lifetime Fan: Someone who followed the Caps since they entered the league in 1974.
How to Spot One: Right now, in 2010, you won’t. They all committed suicide or ran for the hills because of the top 3 groups of fans.
What to do if you see one: Cover your brain to survive the zombie apocalypse while being thankful that neither Mark Recchi nor Chris Chelios play for the Caps.
This post is funny, because it's true.
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