Editor's Note: Relax, kids. This is comedy. Have a laugh this time, in the words of Ilya Bryzgalov, "why you heff ta be mad?"
Braydon Coburn just signed a 4 year contract extension worth $18 million yesterday. While many people have questionable doubts, the DGS superspies were able to calculate exactly how Coby plans on spending this money.
$12 Million will go to being a hockey player. A lot of people think $3M would have been fair for Coburn and so did he, hence, he's budgeted this money as his fair salary,
$5 Million will go to nose related expenses. When you're nose is as big as Coburn's you need to budget significant funds. In fact, here's 5 things Coburn's nose does...
1. In the event of a water landing, Coburn's nose can function as a flotation device.
2. Chris Pronger's hidden a stash of pucks inside of Coburn's nose
3. Should times become desperate, Braydon Coburn's nose may function as an emergency goaltender*
4. Braydon Coburn's nose has been screening Steve Mason since 2009, leading to Mason's very long slump.
5. The gravitational pull of Coburn's nose is so massive, it causes Scott Hartnell to fall down. A lot.
*-Coburn's nose as a goaltender has the equivalent talent of 1 Vesa Toskala.
$1 Million was budgeted as Prize Money for a fight that hadn't happened yet.