Fan vs Fan

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Many Faces of Chris Pronger

Today it was announced that Chris Pronger is going to miss 4-6 weeks with a foot/toe injury. As many of you probably know, I was driven to a nearly irrational amount of sadness because of it. I mean, my idol, lord, and master Chris Pronger is going to be missing. If you're like me, a total follower of the almighty Pronger, then you probably need a fix of Chris Pronger in your life to be sure that you make it through these next few weeks without doing anything stupid.

(Editor's Note: Amy absolves herself from this, it's just wow, I can't think of anything clever, but I think DGS has gone nuts, for real this time.)

So, here's a look at the many faces of Chris Pronger.

(Editor's Note: I really really hope this isn't as bad as it sounds)

(Author's Note: All pics are taken from outside websites, clicking on the link takes you to the websites that own them, I did NOT take any of the Pronger pictures.)

Epic Pronger is Epic

Epic Pronger: This is Chris Pronger's normal state. It is also known as the state of Awesome. This is because Chris Pronger is more awesome than you could ever dream to be. He didn't mean for it to happen, it just kinda did. You know?

Chris Pronger was just reminded of his awesomeness

Realization: This is the face of Chris Pronger whenever someone reminds him of the fact that he is better than you. He doesn't mean to gloat, but when you're on the level of Chris Pronger, it's unreasonable to not feel superior to all the other people you need to deal with on a daily basis.

Chris Pronger is mildly content, a rare sighting. (Note: he's most likely
thinking "I can't wait to elbow Sidney Crosby")

 Mildly Content: Chris Pronger feels mildly content on occasion. In this case, it's because he elbowed Paul Holmgren into giving him a 7 year 35+ contract with a 4.921 cap hit. Chris Pronger get's a pass though, because he's not a douche or anything, he's just Chris Pronger.

Chris Pronger is sorry, he can't hear you over the sound of
how awesome he is.

Apologetic Pronger: Look, I know you reporters want to interview him, but Chris Pronger's ability to hear questions is sometimes obstructed by the fact that his own awesomeness speaks to him. He's sorry, well not really.

Confusion: Someone just said, 'Chris, you aren't god.' without saying
"just kidding"

Confusion: Chris gets confused when people try to tell that he's not awesome. This is because he doesn't understand why anyone would tell a joke to a 6'6" 230lb guy with elbows that crack skulls frequently. Quite honestly, I don't get it either.

Hey Todd, wipe that smirk off your face before my elbows permanently
remove your face from the rest of your body.
Chris Pronger sometimes has to use violence to make points. This is because sometimes people are unable to comprehend the pure awesome that is Chris Pronger. The beautiful thing about Chris Pronger's elbows is that they leave a permanent impression on your skull like a tattoo. The bad thing, most humans are so unworthy of remembering the exact moment when Chris Pronger touched them that they have memory loss of the incident.

(Editor's Note: Concussions are actually serious business, please get checked if you or someone you know shows symptoms of a concussion. DGS-Cares)

Why yes, I did take those pucks, but we're just gonna act natural.
Guilt: Chris Pronger is not capable of guilt. But he is capable of well, being smug in the face of accusations that may or may not be true. If you know an expert who saw the replay, tell us.

I choose you, to be the victim of my next elbow.

Chris Pronger is an honourable, upstanding, player. He's nice enough, as shown by the above picture, to point out who the next victim of an elbow is going to be. When he does this, players should thank Mr. Pronger for being nice enough to allow them to prepare for a concussion related vacation a long rehab process for brain damage.

Hockey time, the time for awesome.
Chris Pronger is intense, he's probably thinking about elbowing someone in the head. That's how Pronger rolls.

Dear Scott Gomez, the only reason you're not dead right now is
because killing people like you is well, a hate crime. I
am so just gonna embarrass you in the
playoffs instead, Love Pronger.
No need for words, but Scott Gomez is a very brave man for staring certain death in the face. Chris Pronger sent him the letter in the caption.

If you can see Chris Pronger, Chris Pronger can see you,
if you can't see Chris Pronger...

Then it's probably because Chris Pronger is about to set you
up for something called a "Batista Bomb"
Under Chris Pronger's sternum there is not heart, only another elbow that's ready to kill you.

I am fairly sure that I am the 'he'
Chris sadly get's dragged into the world of "he said/she said" with officials. This is because they are incompetent. Chris Pronger would NEVER break any rules. As a matter of fact, Chris Pronger writes the rules.

Why Yes, Chris Pronger is full of win
Full of Win: Chris Pronger is, you, Ben Eager, are not.

Kostitsyn: I'll send my mob friends after you.
Pronger: I elbowed them, they're all dead. They fear my elbows.
And now we know why Kostitsyn looks like he's about to shit himself in this picture.

Chris let him go, wait that's Avery. Chris, pull his head off.
Chris Pronger doing what most people in the world want him to do, remove the head of Sean Avery. Out of curiosity, I doubt that anyone thinks that this is attempted murder.

Angry Pronger, do not go near or elbows shall fly
Angry Pronger: sometimes Chris Pronger gets angry, when he does. Skate away, far away.

Calm Pronger; it's how he relaxes.
When Pronger unwinds after a hard day of throwing elbows to faces of idiots, he calms down and shows his sensitive side. How can anyone ever feel bad about the above person? How can anyone do anything but love the above face of Pronger?

And then when all is said and done:

King Pronger: Lord of the Elbow

1 comment:

  1. And my favourite Pronger- Replacement Pronger.