The 2011 Flyers Drinking Game

Ok, I've done a totally non serious drinking post before. Playing that game might cause death by the 2nd period. This one, is allegedly safer.
 (Editor's Note: no way to tell, DGS is Straight Edge)

So here we go, get some alcohol together...we recommend

Captain n Coke, Vodka n Cran, Sam Adams Bahstan Lagah, champagne and jello shooters.

Ok, this requires 3 players

Pass one beer to everyone playing, as well as one captain n coke and vodka n cran.



Rules: to "win" be the last person with a drink left.

Each person chooses one of the following players

Andrej Meszaros, Scott Hartnell, and Jeff Carter

you drink when your players does the following:

Meszaros: blasts a slap shot wide

Hartnell: Drink on Hartnell DOWN!

Jeff Carter: Drink on "Carter shoots high and wide"

All players drink on the following:

Steve Coates says: "I'm looking over (player)'s shoulder."

Brian Boucher causes a "Boosh" chant

Mike Leighton gives up a 5 hole goal....

Sergei Bobrovsky gives you a heart attack after playing the puck



Good luck, have fun.

Flyers New Year's Resolutions

Well, the Flyers are out on the Pacific Coast for a little road swing leaving DGS all alone with nothing to do except snoop around in the snow. What I found, was well, interesting. It's a list of the Flyers New Year's Resolutions. In the interest of doing a public service, I'm sharing it with the world.


Jeff Carter: To not get caught up in rumors involving sleeping with the spouses of other players.

Chris Pronger: To only steal things that are actually worth stealing. Fuck that, Pronger's too awesome to resolve to do anything.

Daniel Carcillo: Will hopefully remove Crosby's stache

Darroll Powe: To hopefully prove he's more than just a name

Danny Briere: To live up to his nickname of the "Magical Spearing Midget".

The Spear may be breaking,
but it's legacy lives on.

Claude Giroux: To practice safe deking as fan-related pregnancies are sky-rocketing.

Matt Walker: To get off LTIR. (Hip Surgery free in 2011)

Mike Richards: Break up with Pierre McGuire.

Sergei Bobrovsky: Bob.

Nikolay Zherdev: To become the first 40 goal scorer, without tallying double digit assists.

Michael Leighton: Well, it was going to be close the 5-hole, but given the state of things, he'll just settle to use the 5-hole in a live action game with the Flyers.

Brian Boucher: To learn Russian in hopes that it adds to the "List of Reasons to Keep Boosh Over Leights."

Scott Hartnell: To fall down less. (Okay, who is he kidding - to grow his hair back.)

Ville Leino: To help Homer clear cap space to sign him. (Collateral Damage may include Michael Leighton getting hurt again)

Jody Shelley: To score goals - that's what he's here for, duh!

Yes that's Jody Shelley, no, there
was no Photoshopping here.

Andreas Nodl: To crack into double digits in goals. He's grateful for whatever he gets, because Noodle Power keeps Philly running.

Blair Betts: To win more face-offs. To get noticed by someone.

Ian Laperriere: To teach the Phantoms heart - he has enough for all of them anyway.

James van Riemsdyk: To not take naps when the Eagles are completing a miraculous comeback. 

Kimmo Timonen: To construct a helmet that looks like a Viking helment because it would look cool, because Kimmo's our little Viking warrior. 

Viking Kimmo: Now you know his dirty secret.

Braydon Coburn: It seems vain, but he's looking to have a beak reduction so he can see the goal better when he shoots. 

Matt Carle: To prove he can look good without Pronger by his side. Because well, ya know Pronger's elbows are just so ugly....

Andrej Meszaros: To continue playing the way he did in Ottawa, not the way he did in Tampa. 

Oskars Bartulis: To find subtle ways to keep defensemen out of the line up so he can play. 

Sean O'Donnell: People who look like John LeClair are exempt from making resolutions. 

Peter Laviolette: To find an effective gum holder so he can yell at referees. (We personally recommend using the gum to hold Matt Walker's hips together)

The Real Chuck Norris Facts

You know, there's a lot of facts about some Chuck Norris dude floating around the internet these days. I mean, there's a whole website dedicated them. But in the interest of doing a public service I feel the need to share with you the true Chuck Norris facts.

• Chuck Norris keeps a beard to protect himself from the destructive force of a Chris Pronger elbow.
  
• Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with 10,000 women in his life, Chuck Norris calls this a slow Tuesday and Chris Pronger calls this "the 2nd intermission".
  
• Chuck Norris can impregnate a woman by pointing at her and saying "boo yah", Claude Giroux can pregnate an entire arena of women by deking and Chris Pronger can impregnate men with this face.
  
• Chuck Norris uses the roundhouse kick as a tribute to the Pronger ankle stomp.
  
• Chris Pronger elbowed the doctor who slapped him after he was born.
  
• Scott Hartnell falls down out of fear of Chuck Norris. (Hartnell DOWN!)
  
• There is no 3rd fist under Chuck Norris's beard, rather there is a black hole left by the fact that Chris Pronger elbowed him in the face.
  
• The Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris checks his closet for Chris Pronger.
  
• Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. Chris Pronger just elbows the dark out of his bedroom.
  
• There is no such thing as evolution, only species who haven't died from the elbows of Chris Pronger.
  
• Montreal riots after wins to hide the damage caused by Chris Pronger's elbows.
  
• The Capitals coughed up there 3 games to 1 lead against Montreal last season because none of the Capitals wanted to face Chris Pronger's elbows. (Editor's Note: Penguins, Devils and Bruins also rolled over against the Habs or Flyers for the same reason)
  
• Michael Leighton stopped sucking because he didn't have to face Pronger's elbows.
  
• Chris Pronger's elbows are registered as weapons of mass destruction.
  
• Chris Pronger's elbows making contact with your jaw actually impart intense feelings of pleasure onto the receiver, sadly, the ensuing orgasm causes the receiver's brain to explode rendering this person unable to feel anything ever again.
  
• Chris Pronger does NOT sleep, he merely closes his eyes and admires his elbows from within.
  
• Chris Pronger does NOT take penalties, the referee sometimes need to take Pronger off the ice to kep the heat of his elbows from melting the ice.
  
• Canada fought in World War II, the "atomic bombs" were actually Chris Pronger's left and right elbows unleashed on Japan.
  
• Chuck Norris named his legs "Law" and "Order", Chris Pronger does not name his elbows because any name would be an understatement of their awesomeness.
  
• The "phrase" break a leg came up in show biz because a broken leg was the least painful injury that someone could suffer if they forgot their line while working with Chris Pronger.
  
• Chris Pronger has no heart, only a third elbow.
  
• The laws of physics do NOT apply to Chris Pronger's elbows.
  
• Pompeii once said that Wade Redden was better than Chris Pronger...the next day Chris Pronger elbowed Mount Vesuvius.
  
• Chris Pronger didn't steal the pucks, the pucks wanted to be elbowed. 

So, feel free to add your own in the comments section.

The Newest DGS Writer HAS BEEN FOUND!

So we've found our newest writer. She's a feisty one, 


(Editor's Note: For all his lack of dates...DGS sure has many female friends)


her words remind me of Chris Pronger's elbows mixed with Daniel Carcillo's feistiness with the poking ability of a Danny Briere Spear. In short, she's awesome.

(Editor's Note- The above are 3 of the highest compliments you can get from DGS)






Head Procrastinator/Guest Blogger: PhillyGirl1437
Age: Like I'm telling you
Home: Philadelphia (in case you couldn't tell)
Favorite Current Flyer: Someone had to want Leighton...
Favorite All-Time Flyer: Eric Desjardins - it's Rico - got to love him.
Favorite Sport that isn't hockey: Baseball - Chase Utley, you are the man.
Random Fact about PhillyGirl1437: Haven't I shared enough?






Look for posts by her.

The Ballad of Scott Hartnell

The Ballad of Scott Hartnell
(Parody of “She’s Always a Woman to Me” by Billy Joel)

(Written by PhillyGirl1437) 

He could kill with his hair
He could smother with his beard
After the finals Yukon Cornelius disappeared

And he only reveals the scruff he wants you to see
He gave his hair to a child,
But he's always a Fraggle to me

He can drive you to drink
Comfort if your wife were to leave you

You can ask for a goal
But he'll often mislead you
But he'll give all he’s got, as long as you’ll see

That he skates like a drunk                   
But he’s always a Fraggle to me

Oh—he takes spills on the ice
On command if he wants
He's just that kind of guy
Oh—the brakes are always out
But he never gives in
He just multitasks from his ass

And he'll promise you more
Than the bonehead penalties
Then he'll carelessly bite you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But he'll bring out the best
That Ville and Danny can be

Blame it all on yourself
Cause he’s always a Fraggle to me

Oh—he takes spills on the ice
On command if he wants
He's just that kind of guy
Oh—the brakes are always out
But he never gives in
He just multitasks from his ass

He is frequently good
And he's suddenly bad
He can do as he pleases
He's everybody’s fool
But he can't be sent packing
He's earned his no-trade
And the most he will do
Is throw punches at you
But he’s always a Fraggle to me

Caption Contest 11

From a friend....you know what to do

In a picture, what happened to the Flyers during the game.

The 12 Days of Christmas (49 Mix)

Much thanks to @PhillyGirl1437 for emailing me this beauty of a song. It was so good that I had to share it with all of you.



On the twelfth day of Christmas, 
my true love gave to me 
Twelve rebounds flying, 
Eleven playoff decisions, 
Ten gloves a-grabbing, 
Nine years of league-bouncing, 
Eight weeks a-healing, 
Seven fists a-punching, 
Six round Hawks a-drafting
Five waiver wire trips 
Four Phantoms games
Three Shutout Habs
Two years $3.1 million
And a Pat Kane shot between my knees

Caption Contest 10

Caption Contest 10: write better than what I got and win a prize*.


(*-Prize TBD DGS Staff at a later date.)

Ville's Jealous, but why?

The Many Faces of Chris Pronger

Today it was announced that Chris Pronger is going to miss 4-6 weeks with a foot/toe injury. As many of you probably know, I was driven to a nearly irrational amount of sadness because of it. I mean, my idol, lord, and master Chris Pronger is going to be missing. If you're like me, a total follower of the almighty Pronger, then you probably need a fix of Chris Pronger in your life to be sure that you make it through these next few weeks without doing anything stupid.

(Editor's Note: Amy absolves herself from this, it's just wow, I can't think of anything clever, but I think DGS has gone nuts, for real this time.)


So, here's a look at the many faces of Chris Pronger.

(Editor's Note: I really really hope this isn't as bad as it sounds)


(Author's Note: All pics are taken from outside websites, clicking on the link takes you to the websites that own them, I did NOT take any of the Pronger pictures.)

Epic Pronger is Epic

Epic Pronger: This is Chris Pronger's normal state. It is also known as the state of Awesome. This is because Chris Pronger is more awesome than you could ever dream to be. He didn't mean for it to happen, it just kinda did. You know?

Chris Pronger was just reminded of his awesomeness

Realization: This is the face of Chris Pronger whenever someone reminds him of the fact that he is better than you. He doesn't mean to gloat, but when you're on the level of Chris Pronger, it's unreasonable to not feel superior to all the other people you need to deal with on a daily basis.

Chris Pronger is mildly content, a rare sighting. (Note: he's most likely
thinking "I can't wait to elbow Sidney Crosby")

 Mildly Content: Chris Pronger feels mildly content on occasion. In this case, it's because he elbowed Paul Holmgren into giving him a 7 year 35+ contract with a 4.921 cap hit. Chris Pronger get's a pass though, because he's not a douche or anything, he's just Chris Pronger.

Chris Pronger is sorry, he can't hear you over the sound of
how awesome he is.

Apologetic Pronger: Look, I know you reporters want to interview him, but Chris Pronger's ability to hear questions is sometimes obstructed by the fact that his own awesomeness speaks to him. He's sorry, well not really.

Confusion: Someone just said, 'Chris, you aren't god.' without saying
"just kidding"

Confusion: Chris gets confused when people try to tell that he's not awesome. This is because he doesn't understand why anyone would tell a joke to a 6'6" 230lb guy with elbows that crack skulls frequently. Quite honestly, I don't get it either.

Hey Todd, wipe that smirk off your face before my elbows permanently
remove your face from the rest of your body.

Chris Pronger sometimes has to use violence to make points. This is because sometimes people are unable to comprehend the pure awesome that is Chris Pronger. The beautiful thing about Chris Pronger's elbows is that they leave a permanent impression on your skull like a tattoo. The bad thing, most humans are so unworthy of remembering the exact moment when Chris Pronger touched them that they have memory loss of the incident.

(Editor's Note: Concussions are actually serious business, please get checked if you or someone you know shows symptoms of a concussion. DGS-Cares)

Why yes, I did take those pucks, but we're just gonna act natural.

Guilt: Chris Pronger is not capable of guilt. But he is capable of well, being smug in the face of accusations that may or may not be true. If you know an expert who saw the replay, tell us.

I choose you, to be the victim of my next elbow.

Chris Pronger is an honourable, upstanding, player. He's nice enough, as shown by the above picture, to point out who the next victim of an elbow is going to be. When he does this, players should thank Mr. Pronger for being nice enough to allow them to prepare for a concussion related vacation a long rehab process for brain damage.

Hockey time, the time for awesome.

Chris Pronger is intense, he's probably thinking about elbowing someone in the head. That's how Pronger rolls.

Dear Scott Gomez, the only reason you're not dead right now is
because killing people like you is well, a hate crime. I
am so just gonna embarrass you in the
playoffs instead, Love Pronger.

No need for words, but Scott Gomez is a very brave man for staring certain death in the face. Chris Pronger sent him the letter in the caption.

If you can see Chris Pronger, Chris Pronger can see you,
if you can't see Chris Pronger...

Then it's probably because Chris Pronger is about to set you
up for something called a "Batista Bomb"

Under Chris Pronger's sternum there is not heart, only another elbow that's ready to kill you.

I am fairly sure that I am the 'he'

Chris sadly get's dragged into the world of "he said/she said" with officials. This is because they are incompetent. Chris Pronger would NEVER break any rules. As a matter of fact, Chris Pronger writes the rules.

Why Yes, Chris Pronger is full of win

Full of Win: Chris Pronger is, you, Ben Eager, are not.

Kostitsyn: I'll send my mob friends after you.
Pronger: I elbowed them, they're all dead. They fear my elbows.

And now we know why Kostitsyn looks like he's about to shit himself in this picture.

Chris let him go, wait that's Avery. Chris, pull his head off.

Chris Pronger doing what most people in the world want him to do, remove the head of Sean Avery. Out of curiosity, I doubt that anyone thinks that this is attempted murder.

Angry Pronger, do not go near or elbows shall fly

Angry Pronger: sometimes Chris Pronger gets angry, when he does. Skate away, far away.

Calm Pronger; it's how he relaxes.

When Pronger unwinds after a hard day of throwing elbows to faces of idiots, he calms down and shows his sensitive side. How can anyone ever feel bad about the above person? How can anyone do anything but love the above face of Pronger?



And then when all is said and done:

King Pronger: Lord of the Elbow

NHL Dictionary: Verbs

Something that was recently brought to my attention was the fact that I tend to use certain NHL names as verbs. As a public service to all DGS readers I figured I would compile the list here for all to see.


To Pronger: Using elbows to improve your situation or the situation of a friend.

In a sentence: I Prongered my way through the crowd to get to the front of the line.



To Timonen: to enter a situation knowing that you will come out hurt...and doing it anyway for the greater good

In a Sentence: I Timonened my way out of the mall, carrying all the stuff my mom bought, knowing that the broken back would impress the ladies.



To Giroux: To dazzle someone with something so beautiful and perfect that they have an orgasm

In a sentence: Yeah, my deke on the penalty shot totally Girouxed the puck bunnies.



To Leighton: Screw up something easy because you can't get something closed fast enough

In a sentence: I Leightoned the presentation as work because I kept on talking.



To Sundin: Be unable to make a simple decision because you're afraid of commitment

In a sentence: When I asked my girlfriend to marry me, she decided to Sundin instead of saying Yes or No


To Kaberstay: Stick around at a place even though you aren't wanted because everyone hates you.

In a sentence: Kyle Wellwood Kaberstayed around the buffet waiting for it to be refilled even though no one else was able to eat.


To Pierre-McGuire: Not shut up and only get louder as people want you to stop talking

In a Sentence: Many people in the world hate that Down Goes Spezza, Pierre-McGuire's when talking about the amazing, divine elbows of Christopher Robert Pronger.

Now you know.

Away At a Buffet (Kyle Wellwood's Away in a Manger)

You know, we always wondered what a Wellwood Christmas was like, and thanks to Eric Wellwood for telling us what brother Kyle sings at Christmast.

Away at a buffet
It's all you can eat
Our fatty, Kyle Wellwood, has taken his plate
His mouth starts to water as he walks down the line
Our fatty, Kyle Wellwood, is ready to dine

Away at a buffet
No bib for his chins
Our fatty, Kyle Wellwood, sits down in his seat
The fork in his hand moves up to his mouth
Our fatty, Kyle Wellwood, has begun to eat

Away at a buffet
It's time for seconds
Our fatty, Kyle Wellwood, walks over again
The time slowly passes as he refills his plate
Our fatty, Kyle Wellwood's hunger can't wait

Home now from the buffet
It's time for dessert
Our fatty, Kyle Wellwood, feels his belly hurt
The cake digests slowly as he eats some more
Our fatty, Kyle Wellwood, a fat burger whore

Crosby Starts to Whine and Cry (Angels We Have Heard On High)

Yes that's right, another song parody. (Sing to Angels We Have Heard On High..which means...sing the chorus right in your mind when reading this). Long story short, we're rolling this song because of the Flyers amazing 3-2 victory over the Penguins to end their 12 game winning streak.


"Dive and Cry"

Crosby starts to whine and cry
After someone looks his way
And the ref gives a reply
A minor sends him away

Dive and Cry
Bettman looks the other way
Dive and Cry
Campbell looks the other way

Ovi slewfoots like a douche
After someone turns their back
And Bettman has no clue
Because he is such a quack

Board and spear
Bettman looks the other way
Board and spear
Campbell looks the other way

Subban is a whiny bitch
Always running his big mouth
And now digging his own ditch
Mike Richards will punch him out

Drop the gloves
PK gets what he deserves
Drop the gloves
Midgets cannot save his ass

Patrick likes to sip the wine
Then punch out the cabbie
Something tells me he's not fine
Hangovers are really crappy

Drink the booze
Kane soon will pass out again
Drink the booze
Kane is super drunk again

Win A Date With Down Goes Spezza (sort of)

So as we probably all know, it's been almost 7 months since DGS had a real date. This needs to change, so I'm writing the official DGS-Girlfriend Application. Basically it's what DGS looks for in a woman, if you feel you fit the bill, feel free to either email me or comment and we'll see what happens.




Name:
Age: (If not between 18-30, stop here, you've been DQ'd)
Favorite NHL team: (Note: Fans of the Penguins, Devils, Rangers, Bruins or Red Wings need not apply)
Favorite MLB team: (Note: Fans of the Red Sox, Mets, Braves, Dodgers, Giants, Cubs or Cardinals need not apply)
Favorite NFL team: (Note: Fans of the Patriots, Giants, Redskins, or Tom Brady need not apply)


Complete the following sentences:

Chris Pronger is...

Sidney Crosby is...

Alex Ovechkin is...

Tomas Vokouns is...

Chris Chelios is...

The Better Sedin is...



Yes/No questions.

Answer the following questions with a Yes or No

1. Can you tell the Sedins apart?

2. Do the Habs need to grow?

3. Is Glen Sather an awesome GM?

4. Does Gary Bettman suck?

5. Is Finland awesome?


Multiple Choice
1. In 2010-11 and moving forward from there, Zach Parise looks best on

A. Mike Richards wing
B. Jeff Carter's wing
C. Claude Giroux's wing
D. Danny Briere's wing


2. Sergei Bobrovsky will win

A. The Calder Trophy
B. The Vezina Trophy
C. The Conn Smythe Trophy
D. A Stanley Cup as a Flyer



3. James van Riemsdyk is

A. Expendable
B. Tradeable
C. an MVP waiting to happen
D. Useless


4. If we're on a date and Chris Pronger walks up to us, you will...

A. Tell him to take a picture with me
B. Not stare dreamily at him
C. Make him take a picture with me
D. Smack be back to reality, then take my picture with him, then smack me again.


5. Can I trust Jeff Carter around you?

A. Yes
B. No
C. Of course, we're not married yet
D. WTF?




Essay section, please write one paragraph on ONE of the following topics explaining your opinion.
Martin Brodeur is the best ever, why or why not?

Who's the greatest defenseman of the last 20 years, Chris Pronger or Nick Lidstrom?

Which N. Backstrom is better and why?

Was the Gagne trade worth it?


Mandatory Non-Hockey related question.

What do you think about Cliff Lee? (Please write 3 sentences on this)






To all those who enter, best of luck. DGS will contact you soon.

Deck the Faces! (Jody Shelley)

You know, for all the fights and majors and having a face that looks like it's been pummeled by a hammer, Jody Shelley is one jolly dude around the holidays. Like many before him, he wrote his own* Christmas carol for DGS.



(*- Jody Shelley didn't actually write this, DGS did, but we think that Shelley would approve)



Deck his face with fists of Shelley
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the replay on the tele
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Drop we now our gloves and helmets
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Now we sit for 5 minutes
Fa la la la la, la la la la

See the magic fists a blazing
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Shelley's fights are amazing
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Follow all his acts of violence
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Then you sit and cry in silence
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Watch him try to shoot on net
Fa la la la la, la la la la

It's something that we'll forget
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Shelley likes to drop his gloves
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Shelley says, "Let's fighting love"

Oh Come All Ye ToskaLOLs

Ever wondered what the NHL is singing around the holidays, yeah, we've been finding out for you. Here's another one.


Oh come all ye grinders
defensemen and enforcers
Oh come ye, oh come ye
To Toskala
Come and score on him
He of the pretend glove hand
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
He really sucks

Oh come all non-scorers
Kovalchuk and Davison
Oh come ye, oh come ye
To Toskala
Come and score on him
He'll put the puck in his own net
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
Oh come score on ToskaLOL
He really sucks

Oh toss all the waffles
With or without syrup
Oh toss them, oh toss them
At Maple Leafs
Come and laugh at them
Because they have no draft picks
Oh come give them a draft pick
Oh come give them a draft pick
Oh come give them a draft pick
Then fire Wilson

Oh trade all ye draft picks
To the Boston Bruins
Oh trade them, oh trade them
For nothing good
Raycroft for Rask
Still makes Leaf fans weep in shame
Oh fuck you JFJ
Oh fuck you JFJ
Oh fuck you JFJ
I hate you.




(Editor's Note: On a slightly more serious note: I feel the need to share this following open letter to Leafs fans because DGS-Cares)


Dear Leafs Nation,

Look, it's not going well right now. It's pretty bad. But if you put down the bottle of Jack Daniel's for a second and read this letter, there is some hope. DGS is psychologist (in training) and he's willing to offer free therapy to any Leafs fan who needs it. Just send your problems to DownGoesSpezza@gmail.com and I'll answer them publicly as part of my "DGS-Cares" campaign. I have a soft spot for you guys because, well, I hate Jason Spezza, and I hate the Habs. So this is my way of saying, Happy Holidays Leafs Nation.

-Down Goes Spezza


PS: Don't worry Flyerdom, you guys are getting your Christmas letter on Christmas Eve.

Silent Night (Flyers Christmas Version)

And they just keep on coming. This time, we talked to Claude Giroux about his favourite Christmas song. He started singing, and this is what we got.


Silent night, shootout night
I am calm, I shoot right
Come skate in on goalie's blocker side
Make my move and never shoot wide
Score on heavenly dekes
Score on heavenly dekes


Silent night, Shootout night
All is calm, my stick is light
This goalie thinks that he has a chance
Nevermind he's just wet his pants
Used my orgasmic deke
Used my orgasmic deke

Silent night, shootout night
Start to skate on ice so white
Unique dekes make goalies sad
And his team feels really bad
Lost the game, has the other team
Lost the game, has the other team

Silent night, shootout night
Cures I have for every plight
Skate on in and deke to score
Oh I know, ya'll want to see more
Blame it on grilled cheese
Blame it on grilled cheese

Salo's Balls (Another Christmas Parody)

Yes it's a third song on my NHL-Christmas list. (Editor's Note: Amy took her hand to writing most of this one)

Shooting at the net, is a man named Duncan Keith
From this shot will come, Salo's hospital fees
Balls on Salo ring
Making Sami cry
What luck it is to nearly die
On the rink tonight

O Salo's balls, Salo's balls
Salo's hurt again
O how bad it is to be
A man with Sami's luck
O Salo's balls, Salo's balls
Salo's hurt again
O how bad it is to be
A man with Sami's luck



Author's Note: I wanted to write a second verse, but Salo got hurt again.

Joy to the Bob

Like my previous post, on Chris Pronger, we're continuing the posts on the Flyers Christmas Carols, today, we're hitting up Sergei Bobrovsky for "Joy to the Bob"

Joy to the Bob, he stopped the puck
His glove received the shot
Let every team
Prepare to lose
And Richards lifts the Cup
And Richards lifts the Cup
And Richards, then Pronger will lift the Cup

Joy to the Bob, the Flyers reign
The puck bounced off his pads
Through shots and screens
The saves were made
And Crosby starts to cry
And Crosby starts to cry
And Crosby will whine and cry

No more soft goals, or five holes unclosed
The fans will never boo
Bob comes to save, the fans are safe
The goalie has been found
The goalie has been found
The goalie, Czar Sergei, has been found

12 Days Of Pronger

Have you ever wondered what carols Flyers fans sing around Christmas? DGS-SuperSpies have found what songs play at team meetings during the holiday season. As a service to Flyers fans everywhere, I've posted the lyrics that the DGS-SuperSpies have found.

(Editor's Note: We're pretty sure this first one isn't a Flyers Carol but rather...well...you'll see)

The 12 Days of Christmas (Chris Pronger mix)

On the 1st day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me,
A Stanley Cup Finals victory

On the 2nd day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me

2 heads smashing

And a Stanley Cup Finals Victory

On the 3rd day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me

3 jokes amazing

2 heads smashing

And a Stanley Cup Finals Victory

On the 4th day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me

4 gloves dropping
3 jokes amazing
2 heads smashing
And a Stanley Cup Finals Victory

On the 5th day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me

5 vicious spears 

4 gloves dropping

3 jokes amazing

2 heads smashing

And a Stanley Cup Finals Victory

On the 6th day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me

6 elbows elbowing

5 vicious spears

4 gloves dropping

3 jokes amazing

2 heads smashing

And a Stanley Cup Finals Victory

On the 7th day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me

7 pills a popping

6 elbows elbowing

5 vicious spears

4 gloves dropping

3 jokes amazing

2 heads smashing

And a Stanley Cup Finals Victory

On the 8th day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me

8 pucks a stealing

7 pills a popping

6 elbows elbowing

5 vicious spears

4 gloves dropping

3 jokes amazing

2 heads smashing

And a Stanley Cup Finals Victory

On the 9th day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me

9 legs a clipping

8 pucks a stealing

7 pills a popping

6 elbows elbowing

5 vicious spears

4 gloves dropping

3 jokes amazing

2 heads smashing

And a Stanley Cup Finals Victory

On the 10th day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me

10 sticks a slashing

9 legs a clipping

8 pucks a stealing

7 pills a popping

6 elbows elbowing

5 vicious spears

4 gloves dropping

3 jokes amazing

2 heads smashing

And a Stanley Cup Finals Victory

On the 11th day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me

11 skates stomping

10 sticks a slashing

9 legs a clipping

8 pucks a stealing

7 pills a popping

6 elbows elbowing

5 vicious spears

4 gloves dropping

3 jokes amazing

2 heads smashing

And a Stanley Cup Finals Victory

On the 12th day of Christmas Chris Pronger gave to me

12 forwards ducking

11 skates stomping

10 sticks a slashing

9 legs a clipping

8 pucks a stealing

7 pills a popping

6 elbows elbowing

5 vicious spears

4 gloves dropping

3 jokes amazing

2 heads smashing

And a Stanley Cup Finals Victory

Things Other People in the NHL want for Christmas

Yesterday we showed you what the Flyers want for Christmas, well, we also found out what the rest of the NHL wants for Christmas, here's what we found out.


Taylor Hall: To hopefully get a chance to play on an NHL team.

The New Jersey Devils: That the CBA is followed and Kovalchuk's contract is voided.

Brian Burke: Tyler Seguin and a 2011 Lottery pick

Mike Green: Someone who can teach me how to play defense...oh crap, I got Scott Hannan instead

Henrik and Daniel Sedin: A triplet who's identical to us as well

Toronto Maple Leafs Fans: Free therapy from a psychologist...and not Down Goes Spezza

Sheldon Souray: Nothing, I finally got the fuck out of Edmonton

Sidney Crosby: A real wing

Colin Campbell: The ability to use a BlackBerry

Gary Bettman: Expansion to Havana, Mexico City, San Juan, Cairo, and Death Valley...if necessary teams will be removed from Toronto, Detroit, Montreal and Chicago

Don't Trade Vinny: A date with Marty St Louis

What The Flyers Want For Christmas

Hey, it's getting close to Christmas and you know what that means. It's that time where people start making their lists of what they want. Needless to say the DGS SuperSpies were able to get a list of what some of the Flyers want for Christmas. In hopes that the gifts are received by the team, we've posted the list here for you to see.


Chris Pronger: I'm kinda hoping he's asking for me, but more realistically it's probably targets for his elbows to hit.

Peter Laviollette: A working power play unit.

Ville Leino: A new contract.

Claude Giroux: More grilled cheese sandwiches

Daniel Carcillo: That Nikolay Zherdev keeps being Nikolay Zherdev.

Sergei Bobrovsky: Getting a shutout, hopefully in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals

Brian Boucher: Employment, anywhere, just not in Russia

Eric Wellwood: To NOT become Kyle Wellwood

Nikolay Zherdev: Judging by his recent performances, I'd say he would like to learn how to pass

Mike Richards: PK Subban's head on a platter

Jeff Carter: Lisa Hartnell...wait no..sorry...Jeff wouldn't be asking for something he has...Jeff Carter wants the ability to not go high and wide

Scott Hartnell: Lisa Hartnell

Paul Holmgren: The ability to do math.

Darroll Powe: More time hanging out with guys like Max Lapierre.

Power Outage: Reasons the Flyers PP Has Dried Up

It's almost finals week so I'm kinda dead, but that being said, the DGS investigators found us some reasons why the Flyers Powerplay has been powered down.

• When told to mimic dynamic scorers and smooth skaters, they chose Ilya Kovalchuk and Phil Kessell
  
  
• It was eaten by Kyle Wellwood
  
  
• Forwards are too afraid to screen the goalie because of the "Avery Rule"
  
  
• Started feeling bad for embarrassing teams with so many games where they score more than 5 as a team.
  
• Misunderstood Power Play strategy for "Joe Thornton Playoff Strategy"
  
• Wanted to be just like me in NHL 11 on the PP. (No seriously, it's sad)
  
• Didn't realize that scoring while up a man is NOT an example of poor sportsmanship
  
• Sent the PP skill in search of Paul Ranger
  
• Maybe missing a certain forward who found a new home in Tampa...just sayin

DGS Expansion

Dear DGS Readers,

DGS is looking to expand its presence on the internet. What we need to do this is more bloggers. Right now, the DGS team is just Matt and Amy and that works out rather nice. If you're interested in writing about the Flyers email the below application to Down Goes Spezza. The only requirements are being a fan of the Flyers and having a sarcastic side that's willing to poke fun at both the Flyers.


Name:
Location: City, State (or Province) and Country will suffice
Write your own sample DGS post: Use our Sunday Brunch topics as the prompt.

Please send emails by December 12, 2010. We will decide by December 20 at the latest.

Caption Contest 9

It's been a while since we did one of these, from our friends at www.FlyersGoalScoredBy.com is this gem of a pic.

Now look, I'm the He and don't you forget it.

NHL vs WWE

Ok, maybe this post is a product of the fact that I (like many hockey fans) am a fan of the WWE. Maybe this post is a product of attending the 11/29 Raw in Philly last night. Maybe this post is a result of Greg Wyshynski's wrestling themed season previews. Maybe it's a combination of some or all of the above. But either way, if you've ever wondered; there are a lot of parallels between the NHL and WWE. Come to think of it, some NHL personalities would fit perfectly with a WWE counterpart. Let's have a look.


WWE: The Rock
NHL: Chris Pronger

Both have outstanding interview skills and have won many awards/titles for their exploits on the playing surface. Also, both are known for finishing off opponents with a devastating elbow.


WWE: Million Dollar Man
NHL: Dan Ellis

Both love money. Both are willing to use their money to get what they want. Neither one has ever won or will ever win a world championship.

WWE: Mr. McMahon
NHL: Gary Bettman

One is an evil commissioner hellbent on making live miserable for fan favorite Stone Colt Steve Austin for being a rebellious anti-hero. The other is just flat out evil.

WWE: Rikishi
NHL: Dustin Byfuglien

Both are really big dudes who are known for using their backsides to obscure the vision of opponents. (Yes I know Buff plays D now...)

WWE: The Miz
NHL: Sidney Crosby

Both are talented to an extent, and both are shoved down our throats mercilessly. Also, both of them have faces that make me want to punch them. Both were handed titles by the powers that be even though they may not have deserved them.

WWE: The Undertaker
NHL: Mark Recchi

Both are old legends who can still go at it. Both are highly respected and each has a mystical aura about them. Recchi for still being able to bring it, and 'Taker for just being awe inspiring.

WWE: Ric Flair
NHL: Chris Chelios

Both are old, still going, and it doesn't make sense how they're still around. I'm pretty sure they're about the same age too.

WWE: Sheamus
NHL: Sergei Bobrovsky

Rookie sensations who were tossed right into the fire soon after their debuts. Bobs had a preseason featuring 2 games against mostly developmental talent and the Toronto Maple Leafs (Editor's Note: developmental talent and Toronto Maple Leafs is redundant). Both then soon would defeat someone considered to be the best..with Bob beating the Penguins on opening night and Sheamus knocking out HHH for an inhuman amount of time.

WWE: The Godfather
NHL: Carey Price aka Smokey McFornicate

Both love women, both love smoking. Both have "hos" following them around.

WWE: Santino Marella
NHL: Paul "BizNasty" Bissonette

Neither one is really talented at their trade, but both are incredibly funny.


WWE: Wade Barrett and Nexus
NHL: Bobby Clarke and the Broad Street Bullies

These groups each debuted, and quickly led violent takeovers over the establishment. Barrett is the leader of Nexus and Clarke was Captain of the Bullies. These groups were known for just beating anyone down who stood in their way.

WWE: Kurt Angle
NHL: Jaromir Jagr

Two incredibly talented athletes, both are Olympic gold medalists and both have won the highest championships in their sport. Also, both then ditched the most well known league in their sport for another less competitive league.

This means...


WWE: TNA
NHL: KHL

WWE has TNA, a place for old, over the hill veterans and those who just can't go anymore to still get a good paycheck. The NHL has the KHL for the same reasons.


WWE: John Cena
NHL: Paul Ranger

John Cena is known for coming out and telling people, "You can't see me" and we literally can't see Paul Ranger as no one knows where the f he is these days.

WWE: Matt and Jeff Hardy
NHL: Kyle and Eric Wellwood

Two sets of brothers. The older brother has a weight issue while the younger has immense amounts of talent. The only question, will Eric Wellwood develop the same drug problem

WWE: Edge
NHL: Marion Hossa

The Ultimate Opportunists, these guys both want championships and are willing to sell themselves in order for chances to get them.

WWE: Rey Mysterio
NHL: Martin St. Louis

Both are vertically challenged dudes who led underdogs to the title wins.

WWE: Bella Twins
NHL: Sedin Twins

Twins who could pull switches and no one would ever notice. (Editor's note: DGS has an easier time telling the Bella Twins apart)

WWE: Big Show
NHL: Zdeno Chara

Each one is the largest dude in his sport.

WWE: Chris Jericho
NHL: Claude Giroux

The man of 1004 holds meets the man of 1004 dekes. Enough said.




This is the first NHL meets Wrestling posts, Kevin from In Lou We Trust and I are going to be working out another one that should go up sometime next month

How This All Happened: Return of the Homer

Now, just about anyone who knows anything about hockey some people (Editor's Note- including us) seem to think that Andrej Meszaros was gonna be a huge bust when he came to Philadelphia. A certain Bolts Blogger was rejoicing like he just got N64 on Christmas. This guy was a traffic pylon who never did anything right in Tampa. Now, he's in the top 10 in the NHL in +/- and anchoring the shut-down D-pair of the Flyers with Sean O'Donnell. We're all wondering how this happened.

Well, guess what, the DGS SuperSpies caught the first conversation between Big Mesz and GM Paul Holmgren after Holmgren arrived in Philly. We're sharing it with you now.

A picture of the first meeting, unlike the movie
this time the subject is turned.

[Meszaros surrenders himself to Darth Holmgren.]

Holmgren: The Pronger has been expecting you.

Meszaros: I know...GM.

Holmgren: So, you have accepted the truth?

Meszaros: I've accepted the truth that you were once Paul Holmgren, an NHL coach.

Holmgren: That job no longer has any meaning for me!

Meszaros: It is the name of your true self. You've only forgotten. I know there is good in you. The Pronger
hasn't driven it from you fully. [steps off to the side of the passageway, away from Holmgren] That was why you couldn't destroy me. That's why you won't bring me to Chris Pronger now.

Holmgren: [inspects Meszaros's hockey stick] I see you have constructed a new hockey stick. Your skills are complete. Indeed you are powerful, as the Pronger has foreseen. [bags the hockey stick again]

Meszaros: Come with me!

Holmgren: Tocchet once thought as you do. You don't know the power of the elbow! I must obey my master.

Meszaros: I will not turn. And you'll be forced to trade me.

Holmgren: If that is your destiny.

Meszaros: Search your feelings, GM. You can't do this. I feel the conflict within you! Let go of your hate!

Holmgren: It is... too late for me, son. The Pronger will show you the true nature of the Force. He is your master now.

Meszaros: [resigned] Then my laziness is truly dead.



At this point, Chris Pronger jumped out of the corridor and elbowed the suck out of Meszaros. The world went on to be a better place as the Flyers hit the 25 game mark with Meszaros and O'Donnell being the top 2 guys on the team in +/-.

Things People Involved in the NHL are Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving to my loyal American DGS readers. Speaking of it being Thanksgiving, it's the time of the year to be thankful, for something like hockey and the Flyers being in first place. Because of this, we sent out some texts to some NHL players to ask them what they're thankful for. The responses we got were rather enlightening.


Kyle Wellwood: "Butter, stuffing, French fries and trans-fats."

PK Subban: "Mike Richards didn't kill me, that's the nicest thing someone's done for me since my car got burned during a riot last spring"

Sheldon Souray: "I get to play in Hershey instead of Edmonton; mission accomplished"

Sidney Crosby: "No matter how much I dive, Bettman still loves me"

Patrick Kane: "Thbt Suttere kidd who pnchrd cabbie driverz"
(I wasn't sure what he was ok so I texted him back to ask 'Dude are you ok?')
Kane's response: "Yes, jus haad somme tequila"

Dammit Kane, stay sober for like...a day..seriously

Dan Ellis: "My money"

David Booth: "Mike Richards didn't kill me, I owe him one."

Peter Chiarelli: "Making the playoffs and getting a lottery pick 2 years in a row"

Colin Campbell: (Editor's Note: Colie didn't respond, apparently he doesn't know to use a Blackberry)

Brian Burke: "No one pretends to be me on Twitter anymore."

Glen Sather: "The Rangers ownership, for keeping me employed"

Derek Boogaard: "My goal scoring abilities"

Ilya Kovachuk: "Being able to play in NHL for 9 more years even tho Bett-man think I play 15 more"

Crazy Lou: "Jelly"

Joe Thornton: "The Heimlich maneuver, saving my life every year after I seem to choke every May"

Antti Niemi: "Leighton not closing 5 hole, made me cup winning goalie"

Sean Avery: "The ability to give others my sloppy seconds"

Henrik Sedin: "Daniel Sedin"

Daniel Sedin: "Henrik Sedin"

Coach Sutter: "Having a brother as GM so i dont get fired"

Brad Richards: "Knowing that I have at most, 7 months and 6 days in Dallas"

Andrew Raycroft: "A job in the AHL for the Texas Stars that keeps me from playing in Russia"
My response: "Uh Andrew, you play for the NHL's Dallas Stars"
Andrew Raycroft: "LOL there is NO way this is an 'NHL' team, it's defence is like ECHL quality"

Brian Gionta: "No one's burned my house down even tho I'm an American who's captain of the Habs"

Scott Gomez: "the lack of a height requirement to play in the NHL"

Jason Spezza: "Not having been destroyed by Patrick Sharp since 2004"

Gary Bettman: "Being a league that's so unnoticed, no one did anything about Colin Campbell...those MLB guys always dragged in front of Congress; that sucks for them"

Things The Flyers Are Thankful for this Thanksgiving

Have you ever wondered what the Flyers are thankful for this year? Guess what, the DGS superspies were able to find out.

Sergei Bobrovsky: "No English"

James van Riemsdyk: "That Nik Zherdev takes up Lavi's doghouse so no one notices that I suck"

Scott Hartnell: "My awesome wife Lisa"

Chris Pronger: "My Elbows"

Jeff Carter: "Lisa Hartnell"

Brian Boucher: "The fact that fans still say my name even I suck"

Jody Shelley: "Paul Holmgren's way of thinking, he gave me one hell of a contract"

Andrej Meszaros: "I was thankful for getting out of Tampa, til I realized Rick Tocchet came to Philly too"

Claude Giroux: "The ability to score on the ice with my stick, ;-)"

Peter Laviollette: "Timeouts"

Paul Holmgren: "Glen Sather's continued employment- it makes me look good"

Michael Leighton: "Getting to spend time in upstate NY"

25% Through the Season with 25 Reasons Why Your Team Could Win It All

So, since we're a quarter of the way through the season, it's probably a good idea to let you know the 25 reasons why your team could make the playoffs. Like last time, I'm pretty sure we're only gonna be about 25% accurate, but oh well.

1. You have a player who scores with the stick in his pants instead of the stick in his hands.
   
2. Your team plays in the Central Division.
   
3. You have Swedish twins on your top line.
   
4. Last season, your team had both a lottery pick and a playoff appearance.
   
5. Your team acquired Gregory Campbell
   
6. The opposing GMs in your division are named: Sather, Snow and Crazy Lou.
   
7. Your GM is a Jedi.
   
8. Your starting lineup is so scary, goalies have literally fainted from the amount of talent on your top line.
   
9. Daniel Alfredsson has guaranteed your team will fall short of the playoffs.
   
10. The Florida Panthers have invited fans of your team to their home games.
    
11. You have a gold medal winning goalie from 2010 in net.
    
12. You are an NHL team that doesn't play home games in Alberta, Canada.
    
13. Gary Bettman has a man crush on your team's captain.
    
14. Your top line has a player whose BAC is higher than his jersey number.
    
15. Your team employs a goalie who stopped the 2 best offenses in the playoffs last year.
    
16. Your team's goalie is the new rookie goalie sensation. (warning: may not work next year.)
    
17. Your goalie will take your team to the playoffs because the alternative is paying for golfing lessons and he hates paying for anything.
    
18. Your team is so stacked at forward, they can afford to trade a #2 overall draft pick from a few seasons ago for 'future considerations' and actually gain depth.
    
19. Well, hey, Joe Thornton can't suck every year now, can he?
    
20. Your team has $19M player who can't take a penalty shot instead of a $100M player unable to take a penalty shot.
    
21. You're team wasn't mentioned on yesterday's list.
    
22. There are no Sutter's making decisions in your organization.
    
23. Your team failed to land Ilya Kovalchuk.
    
24. Your old former Vezina winning goalie got so fat, he now takes up the whole net to the point that nothing gets by him.
    
25. You don't play in Canada.

25% Through the Season with 25 Reasons Why Your Team Won't Make The Playoffs

So the idea of this post is really simple. I have 25 statements prepared and if they fit your team, then there's a good chance your team is going to miss the playoffs this season.

(Accuracy of statements is only 25% or roughly, the save percentage of all goalies in the Nov 18 game between the Flyers and the Lightning)

1. Your teams biggest news splash was the fall out of revoking press creds
   
   
2. Your team's opening night goalie just hurt his arm lifting pie to his mouth
   
   
3. This team's home games are played in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
   
   
4. Garth Snow is your team's GM.
   
   
5. You paid $100M for a guy who can't take a penalty shot
   
   
6. Your goalie's already a drunk, and the rest of the team is on the way to following him.
   
   
7. Your team traded Gregory Campbell to another team.
   
   
8. Your team has a Sutter involved in the organization.
   
   
9. Your team just signed a player to a contract extension with the logic of "Numbers Don't Matter"
   
   
10. The other fans of your team will prevent your team from making the playoffs just to avoid paying the other half of their season ticket deposits.
    
    
11. You lack a first round pick in next year's draft.
    
    
12. Your goalie puts pucks into his own net.
    
    
13. Your 2nd year goalie said he wants to be just like Steve Mason.
    
    
14. Someone told your star center that the playoffs start in February rather than April causing him to do his choke in a big game routine 2 months early.
    
    
15. Down Goes Spezza picked your team to win the Atlantic Division. (We picked the NJ Devils)
    
    
16. Your season highlight involved a player on your team getting knocked out by a Simpsons character...err..Swedish meatball.
    
    
17. There's a distinct chance that a player on your team was telling Sean Avery "we suck like this" and not "you suck like this".
    
    
18. Your teams best power play point shot is in the AHL right now.
    
    
19. Your GM has obvious brain damage from hitting himself in the head with a jar of jelly.
    
    
20. Your GM decided that he wanted to make Wade Redden's contract look like a decent one.
    
    
21. Your GM offered a first round pick to the Rangers for Derek Boogaard in order to increase offensive production
    
    
22. Your GM announced that he's building a contender with the "Penguins Method" starting this year.
    
    
23. Your team is trying to lose more games in a row than the Detroit Lions.
    
    
24. Hell, that same team wants to do the opposite of the Flyers's record setting 25-0-10 run.
    
    
25. Your team's marketing strategy is all about getting fans of VISITING teams to visit.
    
    
    

Soon, the 25 reasons you're team will make the playoffs.