Flyers Nicknames: The First of my "Request" posts

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I an rather engaging of anyone who wants to talk. Hell, I'm on AIM at the screen name Down Goes Spezza for any one who wants to chat hockey (or criminal psychology) with me.

Late 90s Flyers from Alicia_44

Anyway since the season is starting soon, I have complied a list of nicknames of the Flyers nicknames in order to help you understand who I'm talking about during the season.

• Chris Pronger: God
  
  
• Kimmo Timonen: The Timonator
  
  
• Andrej Meszaros: Big Mesz, WHAT IN THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING HOLMGREN?
  
  
• Oskars Bartulis: Barty, Lil Latvian, the Ogre
  
  
• Michael Leighton: Leights, GODDAMMIT STOP SUCKING ALREADY!
  
  
• Brian Boucher: Bouch, oh god PLEASE NO ANYTHING BUT HIM AGAIN!
  
  
• Jeff Carter: Carts, Adulterer
  
  
• Scott Hartnell: Caveman, Carrot-top, Harts, 2 minute minor for...
  
  
• Nik Zherdev: whoopps he's gone...just disappeared again
  
  
• Darroll Powe: honestly, with a last name that awesome, he doesn't need a nickname
  
  
• Dan Carcillo: Trade Bait (guaranteed to attract a Sutter or Sather)
  
  
• Blair Betts: LTIR with Right Shoulder Injury, also Rick Tocchet's favorite player (Right DTV?)
  
  
• Bill Guerin: Billy G, Crosby's Ex
  
  
• Sergei Bobrovsky: Bob, oh my (a real) goalie!
  
  
• Claude Giroux: G, the Deke-master
  
  
• Braydon Coburn: Big C, Burner, BURN HIM!

Hockey versus Nerd Memes

So the other day I nearly got myself sued by Down Goes Brown wrote a post on Hockey Versus Baseball and it was actually quiet popular. That got me thinking, what else do I like, and the answer is video games and nerdyness. So I decided to compare my love of video games, to the greatest game ever made, hockey. My results were interesting.

The Meme: You Just Lost The Game

Patrik Stefan would hold this sign when shooting at
empty nets against the Edmonton Oilers

Nerd's Definition: 

1. Everyone in the world is playing The Game. (Sometimes narrowed to: "Everybody in the world who knows about The Game is playing The Game",  or alternatively, "You are always playing The Game.") You cannot not play The Game; it does not require consent to play and you can never stop playing.
2. Whenever one thinks about The Game, one loses.
3. Losses must be announced to at least one person (either by using a statement such as "I Lost The Game" or by alternative means). 

(Source: Wikipedia)

Hockey Definition: "You just lost the game" was the phrase most heard by Marty Turco during the 2009-10 season when opponents would see what kind of defense was in front of him. (YES I AM LAYING OFF TOSKALA AND THE MAPLE LEAFS FOR A CHANGE!)

The Meme: LEEROY JENKINS!!!

Nerd's Definition: Example of World of Warcraft strategy gone horribly wrong.

Hockey Definition: What Matt Carkner yells before running up to fight Colton Orr.

The Meme: All Your Base Are Belong To Us








Nerd's Definition: A horribly translated version of Zero Wing.


Hockey Definition: Translating the broken English to normal English is how Eric Lindros's nurses are taught to understand what Eric wants since his brains are more scrambled than the eggs I had for breakfast this morning. 









The Meme: The Russian Reversal

Nerd's Definition: The evil strategy the bloody Commies use to win every single argument.


Hockey Definition: The phenomena by which Alex Semin and Ilya Kovalchuk go from being a 90+pt players during the regular season to Thornton level in the postseason.

In Soviet Russia, post-season play YOU!!!!

The Meme: The Cake is a Lie

Nerd's Definition: A reference to the game of Portal, this refers to the fact that you are promised delicious cake for beating the game, only to find out the promiser of cake is a homicidal robot that is out to kill you. Then this song plays.

Hockey Definition: Kyle Wellwood's worst nightmare.






Oh damn, didn't Bloge Salming already do this...sort of...kinda


He did:

Crap

It's on PKLC vs DGS!

Last night Twitter went ablaze when PKLC and DGS got into it. Over what you may ask, competitive fantasy hockey!

Long story short, during a late night on Twitter, challenges were issued, gloves were dropped, cyber fists were thrown, and no one came out ahead. In order to prove that DGS is superior, at least as a Fantasy Hockey League owner, DGS and PKLC have a bet going on. When PKLC loses, our friends from PKLC will write about how awesome DGS is at life, blogging, humor and being awesome. We know it's coming, PKLC is going down. (For the PKLC delusion that DGS is going down, click here)

After laughing at their attempted superiority I have now devised my evil plan to defeat the PKLC, in April, the superior DGS will laugh as PKLC punches our lights out faster than Patrick Kane on a cab driver tells the truth about DGS.

[Note from Amy: I did NOT consent to this. This 'who has a bigger c**k contest' is between Matt and PKLC. La bonne chance, les messieurs.]

Hockey versus Baseball

So my blogging idol, Down Goes Brown, has done comparisons between Soccer and Hockey, Football and Hockey and Basketball and Hockey, but I didn't see any baseball on his list. (God help me if I'm wrong.)

Well, we here at Down Goes Spezza have decided to come up with a comparison between hockey and baseball for the good of helping hockey fans everywhere understand it. The reason for this is most likely you'll be forced to watch the MLB playoffs in October instead of opening night because well, the NHL doesn't have a tv deal with a normal channel yet.



MLB: Players have been known to have great performances ruined by the horrible officiating of Jim Joyce.
NHL: Players have been known to have great performances ruined by the horrible officiating of Kerry Fraser, Stephane Auger, video goal judges in Pittsburgh, Gary Bettman and just about every other official in the game.


MLB: Players who violate rules are suspended according to strict guidelines such as 50 games for a positve PEDs test, and 10 games for using corked bats.
NHL: Players are suspended according to usage of a super secret flowchart. (At what point does Down Goes Brown decide to sue me?).

MLB: Players who do not perform well for their team can be sent down to a minor league organization known as Triple-A.
NHL: Players who do not perform well for their team can be sent down to a minor league organization known as the Calgary Flames.

MLB: Players have been known to embellish being hit by a pitch in order to get first base. (see Derek Jeter)
NHL: Players have been known to embellish being hit by high sticks or tripped in order to get a 2 minute Powerplay for their team. (see: Dan Carcillo, Max Lapierre, Sidney Crosby, Matt Bradley, Sean Avery).

MLB: Poor sportsmanship usually manifests itself in dirty slides and players throwing at each other.
NHL: Poor sportsmanship usually manifests itself in concussions after a Chris Pronger elbow to the skull.

MLB: Players with major weight issues have been known to throw perfect games.
NHL: Players with major weight issues have been known to become internet memes.


MLB: Players can sign insanely long contracts with NTCs that keep them in the same city for an entire career without fear of the contract being rejected due to the lack of a salary cap.
NHL: Players can sign insanely long contracts with NTCs that keep them in the same city for an entire career without fear of the contract being rejected due to the lack of enforcement of the salary cap. (DGB's urge to sure is rising...if he actually reads my blog).

MLB: Players can score from 2nd base, a distance of 180 feet, on a poorly hit ball by a stroke of luck known as a seeing-eye hit.
NHL: Players can score from a the defensive zone, a distance of 180 feet, on a poorly shot puck by shooting against Vesa Toskala. (If DGB hasn't decided to sue me yet, he sure will now)

MLB: Players have been known to have legal trouble due to steroid use and lying about it to the US Congress
NHL: Players have been known to have legal trouble due to dealing with shady Belorussian mobsters.

MLB: Players on bad teams such as the Florida Marlins also have to worry about horribly hot weather as well as hurricanes.
NHL: Players on bad teams such as the Edmonton Oilers still have to spend winters in chilly frozen ICY HELL Edmonton.

MLB: Players have been known to have shards of wood embedded in their chests from broken equipment
NHL: Players have been known to have their throats cut by equipment in perfect working order.

MLB: Big name players like Carl Pavano have been known to sign in New York and never play a game due to injury.
NHL: Big name players like Rick DiPietro have been known to be drafted by New York and never play a game due to injury.


MLB: Teams from Canada haven't won a championship since 1993
NHL: Same (Now, with lawsuits.)

DGS 101: Not only is it post 101, but I'm actually gonna show you who I am

Hi everybody!

DGS on guitar, his other hobby

My name is Down Goes Spezza Matt. That's right, I have the same first name as my blogging brother. If you don't know who that is, then you must be new here, welcome. My blogging brother is Don't Trade Vinny.


Also, you may be curious as to what I look like, well, I posted a pic of me on twitter about a week ago (ironically seeing a picture of me was more popular than my previous 3 posts, the conclusion I've drawn is that I'm incredibly good looking.)

So here we go, the official DGS bio


Name: Matt Bernot
Height: 5'9" (Claims 5'11")
Weight: 145lbs (Claims 170lbs)
Age: 21
DOB: October 11, 1988
Position: Defense/LW
Shoots: Right


You can follow the real me on twitter @MattBernot if you're interested, I rarely tweet on it though.

Random facts about me in no particular order

• I'm taller than the forwards on the Habs top line
  
• I'm going for a dual degree on Political Science and Psychology
  
• My career coal is work for the FBI as a Criminal Profiler in the BAU
  
• I'm the unofficial psychologist of the blogosphere
  
• My favorite players who are currently in the NHL are Simon Gagne, Kimmo Timonen, Mike Modano and Mikko Koivu
  
• My favorite players when I was younger were John LeClair, Eric Desjardins, Peter Forsberg, Joe Sakic, Adam Deadmarsh and Ron Hextall

So there you go, please don't sue me.

DGS 100th Post Spectacular

Hey guys! Guess what! DGS has a 100th post event for today, and tomorrow the 101st post.

Back in April, when I started, I had to beg my friends to view my site in order to get views. Now, I get a few hundred views every day. To all my loyal readers, thank you. If this is your first time here, welcome, please come back.

Those few hundred views a day are a result of some of my friends on the blogosphere. I've gotten mentioned in several other far more established blogs. Seriously, look below.

Down Goes Brown Friday Funnies April 2010

Stay Classy Linkshare Day September 2010

Intent To Blow Stuff We Missed this Week August 2010

If you want to complain, or compliment me, leave a comment in the box below or drop me an email at Down Goes Spezza.

I'd like to first give out a couple of thank-yous to some very important people.

Stay Classy
Don't Trade Vinny
Intent to Blow
Blades of Funny
Down Goes Brown
Bloge Salming
Discard What You Don't Need
Pat Kane's Loose Change



10 of my favorite posts that I've written:

• NHL Relocations
  
• NHL Tampering
  
• Jeff Carter and Scott Hartnell have a little chat on AIM
  
• Possible Expansion of the NHL
  
• Consolation Prizes for Teams Eliminated in the First Round of the Playoffs
  
• Dustin Byfuglien is Missing
  
• The Peter Laviolette Motivational Speech
  
• Seven Signs the Flyers will win the 2010 Stanley Cup (hey, I came damn close to being right)
  
• What Type of Player are you? (Part 2) (Thanks to Stay Classy for Part 1)
  
• Hockey Dictionary for Dummies (Thanks to DTV for Part 1)

If you're not following me on Twitter, click on my twitter feed on the right and head on over and check me out there. Thank you again for all your support, you guys rock.

DGS Vacation Report: Sept 2010 Trip to Florida

Well I spent a week in Florida that was rather relaxing and fun. I got to spend to time with my family, made a few new friends, met a guy who's fan of both DGS and Don't Trade Vinny, which in my book makes him awesome. I also had a pizza delivery guy named Dan E. (off his name-tag) who I tipped 18% on purpose, he got the joke too which was awesome.

Then there were the frustrations, like trying to find a Simon Gagne Lightning T-shirt, apparently they don't exist, come to think of it, hockey didn't seem to exist in Florida at all. I flipped through the Sept 10 edition of the Orlando Sentinel newspaper. There were MORE ads for guns in the paper than for any kind of hockey equipment (roller or ice) or NHL related stuff. I'll pause so you can read that again.

Moving on, I found some intelligent hockey fans in Florida that are not my family members. This was refreshing knowing that people follow the sport even though Florida media seems to refuse to acknowledge its existence. One of them, introduced to me by DTV via the interwebz showed me that there's hope for hockey in the southern USA.

Sometime after the season starts, when I hit a creative lull, I'll revisit that issue again, until then. I hope to write some posts about Flyers camp and all. So stay tuned. Soon, I will return to my humor oriented content, don't worry.

NHL 2010-2011 Season Preview: Everything in One Post

So, here we go, the entire NHL in one post. Eastern Conference, Western Conference, General NHL is the order I'm going in.

Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division

Pittsburgh Penguins

The Good: Max Talbot will be able to pick out every douche in the NHL and deliver a list of them to us.

The Bad: After Crosby and Malkin, the Penguins severely lack forward talent capable of scoring 120 points a season.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will be coddled by Gary Bettman's permanent man crush on Cindy Crosby

New York Islanders

The Good: Will have a guaranteed top 5 pick in the NHL draft due to playing 24 games against the Flyers, Penguins, Rangers and Devils all of which the Islanders will lose.

The Bad: Will run out of get well cards for Rick DiPietro by November.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the Democrats are able to push universal health care in the United States through in order to save on medical bills for DiPietro

New York Rangers

The Good: Will in fact win all 6 games against the Islanders due to the fact that they have Martin Biron.

The Bad: Will at some point sign Kyle Wellwood to a Redden-like contract.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope to every divine being known the man that Gaborik can avoid Dan Carcillo.

New Jersey Devils

The Good: 

Signed shot blocking specialist Anton Volchenkov to throw his body in the way of any jars of jelly that Lou decides to throw.

The Bad: Have fallen victim to the fact that apparently the CBA matters.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: 

Will fatten Brodeur up to the point where he covers the entire net even if pad free.

Philadelphia Flyers

The Good: Filled the "Craptastic Defensemen" void left by the departure of Ryan Parent with Andrej "Big Mesz" Meszaros.

The Bad: Now have to face the defending Stanley Cup champions in 4 rematches as the Hawks now play in the Eastern Conference

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have infinite hope in the idea that opposing shooters will never hit the net as they die laughing from realizing what the Flyers goaltending quality is.

Northeast Division

Montreal Canadiens

The Good: Will save money on pregame meals by being able to serve forwards from the kids menu.

The Bad: Decided to follow an idea presented by Down Goes Brown during the first around of the playoffs and are apparently going to start "Empty Net" as their goalie.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Players have worked on riot escape in practice as Montreal citizens tend to riot after every game regardless of result.

Toronto Maple Leafs

The Good: Can avoid worrying about such debates as "Who to draft in 2011?" because of their lack of draft picks.

The Bad: Have yet to find a way to remove Tomas Kaberle from the team.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will magically improve forward depth by re-signing Vesa Toskala and converting him to center.

Boston Bruins

The Good: Due the NHL's Salary Cap, the Bruins roster is set in stone with players such as Tim Thomas and Marc Savard still on the active roster and no way to move them.

The Bad: Will be forced to place Marc Savard on LTIR after he accidentally runs into Zdeno Chara's knee during practice causing Savard to suffer a concussion.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will avoid blowing 3-0 leads in the post-season by avoiding the post season altogether.

Ottawa Senators

The Good: Have 2 great backup goaltenders who are great for 10-15 games a season

The Bad: Have a player married to Carrie Underwood, picking up Tony Romo's sloppy seconds has been known to cause problems.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: When in doubt, the fire the coach.

Buffalo Sabres

The Good:Have a GM who's willing to save players like Tomas Vanek from signing with Edmonton.

The Bad: Will no longer be able to score easy goals due to the fact that Vesa Toskala is no longer a goalie in this division.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will continue to fly under the radar and ride Ryan Miller for as long

Southeast Division

Florida Panthers

The Good: Sports interest in Miami is now buzzing due to the acquisitions of LeBron James and Chris Bosh along with Wade's decision to stay.

The Bad: This has absolutely nothing to do with hockey.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Goalies for the Panthers no longer have to worry about being decapitated by Keith Ballard.

Carolina Hurricanes

The Good: Are set up with plenty of early first round picks coming from their tank job that should continue for another 3-4 years.

The Bad: After losing Michael Leighton to the Flyers and not resigning Manny Legace, the 'Canes now only have 1 goalie with Stanley Cup experience in Cam Ward.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope that other teams take pity on them and allow them to face 82 games of backup goaltenders.

Tampa Bay Lightning

The Good: New General Manager Steve Yzerman is a Jedi which will allow him to hopefully keep evil Sith Lord Darth Ellis in check. (Question Time: How many Twitter meltdowns does Ellis have during the season?)

The Bad: Will constantly be distracted by rumors of trading Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis, and Simon Gagne to the Canadiens for PK Subban and Carey Price as well as having to pay attention to what Dan Ellis says on Twitter.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will at some point, convince the Flyers to trade Jeff Carter for Paul Ranger.

Washington Capitals

The Good: Because of the tire-changing prowess of Brooks Laich, the Capitals will never be late to games due to flat tires.

The Bad: Like the US Congress, the team will be loaded with plenty of potential but will not actually get anything positive done when it matters.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the NHL teams fall victim to the idea that Mike Green is a defensemen when in fact he actually plays forward.

Atlanta Blackhawks...Thrashers

The Good: As of last check of the team's roster with players like Byfuglien, Kane and Ladd, they are the defending Stanley Cup Champions

The Bad: The team may suffer from an identity crisis as the Cup winning players will have a hard time adjusting to playing in the empty arenas of the Southeast Division.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will do everything they did last season when the team played in Chicago and hope that it works again.

Western Conference

Central Division

Detroit Red Wings

The Good: Will save money on team travel by being able to cash in AARP rewards on flights, hotels and team meals.
The Bad: Will at some point begin to act their age.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have decided that trading European MVPs to the Flyers for part time enforcing defensemen is a bad idea.

St. Louis Blues

The Good: Acquired playoff hero Jaroslav Halak from the Montreal Canadiens for next to nothing.
The Bad: Were not told that Jaroslav Halak is Slovak for Choke's in Second to Last Round.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will undoubtedly be the best team in the NHL named after a genre of music.

Nashville Predators

The Good: Acquired familiar face Ryan Parent from the Flyers.
The Bad: Didn't realize that since Ryan Parent was traded to the Flyers from Nashville, he kinda started to suck.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will hope opponents die laughing when Ryan Parent is forced to log 25 minutes a game as Shea Weber's defense partner.

Chicago Blackhawks

The Good: Are apparently the defending Stanley Cup Champions, which means that the team should be loaded with a roster of scoring forwards, competent defensemen and solid goaltending
The Bad: Apparently, Blackhawks management seemed to have forgotten about small things like the NHL salary cap.
Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will sell Atlanta Thrashers jerseys and such at home games inspiring the city of Chicago to support the Blackhawks playoff heroes.

Columbus Blue Jackets

The Good: Should the team make the playoffs, RJ Umberger will light up Jaroslav Halak per the clause in his contract that states he owns anything that ever played for the Habs in the postseason.
The Bad: Seems that Steve Mason is a clone of Steve Penney.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have acquired former Oilers Captain Ethan Moreau, who will play far above any level played before out of sheer relief that he longer plays in Edmonton.

Northwest Division

Calgary Flames

The Good: The team's new acquisitions are already familiar with both the city and team as they all played for the Flames 3 years ago.

The Bad: The team's new acquisitions are dudes who PLAYED FOR THE FLAMES THREE YEARS AGO!

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will hope that this attempt at a tank job leads to Penguin-esque success.

Vancouver Canucks

The Good: Have an amazing player in Henrik Sedin and his twin Daniel as well too.

The Bad: Have a huge lockerroom void created by the loss of Kyle Wellwood.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will bank on the success of a backup goalie NOT named Andrew Raycroft.

Colorado Avalanche

The Good: Have a solid core of young players who are now all due for their sophomore slumps at the same time.

The Bad: Will not be able to rely on Peter Forsberg returning in order to save them.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope that Peter Budaj is actually Czech for Patrick Roy.

Minnesota Wild

The Good: Have a guy named Nicklas Backstrom on their team, and if what google tells me is true, then Nicklas Backstrom is a 80 point guy which makes him the perfect pair for Mikko "Numbers Don't Matter" Koivu on the top line

The Bad: Just realized that they have the OTHER Nicklas Backstrom and that numbers do matter.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will run on the hope that no one notices their existence again.

Edmonton Oilers

The Good: #1 Overall pick Taylor Hall has yet to demand a trade out of Edmonton

The Bad: #1 Overall pick Taylor Hall is getting closer to demanding a trade out of Edmonton

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Attempting to find a way to move the team out of Edmonton.

Pacific Division

And welcome to part 2 of our season previews. Today we're going out west and looking at the Pacific Division:

Anaheim Ducks

The Good: Brought in resident NHL Expert Andy Sutton to handle difficult questions regarding elbows to the head which should help the Ducks deal with issues regarding the new blind side hits rule.

The Bad: Made the mistake of trading Chris Pronger back in 2009, preventing his elbows from being acquainted with Sutton's skull every single day.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will inject secret anti-aging cream into Teemu Selanne and convince him he's a rookie again, then hope for another 76 goals.

San Jose Sharks

The Good: Let go of playoff choker Evgeni Nabokov in favor of proven winner Antero Nittymaki.

The Bad: Just realized that Nittymaki is only ever guaranteed to beat the defending Stanley Cup champion Atlanta Thrashers.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will tell Nittymaki that every game is against the Thrashers.

Phoenix Coyotes

The Good: Found Lee Stempniak after an 18 month NHL absence.

The Bad: Seem to have forgotten to resign him.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will make the Colts and move to Winnipeg in the middle of the night some time.

Lo

s Angeles Kings

The Good: Finally developed a quality NHL starting goaltender.

The Bad: Forgot to call him from from the AHL, meaning Bernier is still riding a bus...

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will have to hope and pray that Kerry Fraser is replaced by someone who gives them nightly Gretzky-esque calls.

Dallas Stars

The Good: Will no longer be distracted by Mike Modano telling stories of playing a game that ended with him having his name engraved on a giant silver trophy.

The Bad: In keeping with Eastern Conference traditions, will lose every game against the Sharks where the goaltending matchup is Niitymaki vs Lehtonen

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Allow Adam Burish's simple mind to be amused by simple things, like sitting in the press box or going to the AHL.

General NHL Predictions

• Kerry Fraser may be retired, but the NHL has hired a new referee who is legally blind in order to prove that the disabled can have successful careers.
• Gary Bettman is still stupid. (I call this, "playing it safe")
• Stephane Auger will screw with all of us by calling a game perfectly down the middle.
• Kyle Wellwood will eat his way onto a team.
• Antti Niemi will remain unemployed until he gives up his contract demand of "not having another NHL caliber goaltender on the roster" is met.
• Rick DiPietro will end up on LTIR. (Playing it safe again am I)
• Pierre McGuire will move to Massachusetts and marry his 'Monster' Zdeno Chara
• Once Edmonton has its first cold snap in December, Taylor Hall will demand a trade out of Edmonton
• Joe Thornton will lead the Sharks with clutch play during the regular season and post-season before finally giving out during the Finals and saying "What, you think I changed at all"
• The Phoenix Coyotes will find their way back to Winnipeg

 

NHL 2010-2011 Season Preview: Atlantic Division

I saved the best for last, the Atlantic Division. How are things gonna shape up here, DGS has the answers.

Pittsburgh Penguins

The Good: Max Talbot will be able to pick out every douche in the NHL and deliver a list of them to us.

The Bad: After Crosby and Malkin, the Penguins severely lack forward talent capable of scoring 120 points a season.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Will be coddled by Gary Bettman's permanent man crush on Cindy Crosby

New York Islanders

The Good: Will have a guaranteed top 5 pick in the NHL draft due to playing 24 games against the Flyers, Penguins, Rangers and Devils all of which the Islanders will lose.

The Bad: Will run out of get well cards for Rick DiPietro by November.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope the Democrats are able to push universal health care in the United States through in order to save on medical bills for DiPietro

New York Rangers

The Good: Will in fact win all 6 games against the Islanders due to the fact that they have Martin Biron.

The Bad: Will at some point sign Kyle Wellwood to a Redden-like contract.

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Hope to every divine being known the man that Gaborik can avoid Dan Carcillo.

New Jersey Devils

The Good:

Signed shot blocking specialist Anton Volchenkov to throw his body in the way of any jars of jelly that Lou decides to throw.

The Bad: Have fallen victim to the fact that apparently the CBA matters.

Secret Strategy for the New Season:

Will fatten Brodeur up to the point where he covers the entire net even if pad free.

Philadelphia Flyers

The Good: Filled the "Craptastic Defensemen" void left by the departure of Ryan Parent with Andrej "Big Mesz" Meszaros.

The Bad: Now have to face the defending Stanley Cup champions in 4 rematches as the Hawks now play in the Eastern Conference

Secret Strategy for the New Season: Have infinite hope in the idea that opposing shooters will never hit the net as they die laughing from realizing what the Flyers goaltending quality is.